She wrangles out of my grip.
"How could you do this? How could you?" She shoves at my chest, pushing me away.
"Marlena, I didn't know, I didn't realize. Please, let me explain."
"Explain what?" She's holding her head, and I can't imagine the toll it's taking on her. The hurt, the betrayal in her eyes is killing me.
"I should've seen it happening. I should've known, but I was so preoccupied with everything going on at home, I just didn't expect it."
"So you think that makes it okay?"
I shake my head. I don't think there's anything that will make this okay, but as long as we have each other, that's all that matters. "We'll find a way to get through this together."
"This was the last thing I needed today."
"I know." I hang my head. What more can I say other than I'm sorry? I had no choice. Knowing Marlena doesn't get it kills me. I just need her to listen, to hear me out, but she doesn't want to, and I don't know how much fight I have left in me.
"I just want to know one thing," she says, her voice low, scratchy, like she'd been crying for some time. "We worked so hard to find our way back to each other. Was Jacqueline worth it?"
I'm confused. What does she mean? "Of course not."
"Then why did you do it?"
I run my hand through my hair, wondering what the fuck she told my wife. "Did she call here? What did she say?"
She shakes her head as a stream of fresh tears flow from her eyes.
"Marlena, I didn't realize she wanted more than a professional relationship." This does nothing to squelch the anguish on her face. "I had no idea what lengths she'd go to."
There's nothing I can do but tell my wife the truth and hope that she'll find it in her heart to forgive me.
*
When Jacqueline ordered me to go to Boston a few weeks ago, I didn't know she changed my job description and that she'd use it against me. I didn't want to go to dinner with her tonight, and once I saw her with her hair down, literally, instead of in the tight bun she usually wears, and her shirt buttons open low enough to get a good sense that her breasts were popping out of her bra, I knew it was more than just two co-workers going for dinner. After she ordered the champagne for us both, my nerves really started getting to me.
She waited until after the waiter brought the drinks to begin.
"I like the proposal you've been working on. I'm glad to see with all the time off, it hasn't affected the quality of your work."
"I told you it wouldn't."
"That's good. It's important. Especially with the recent changes." She leans forward, her eyes twinkling.
"Changes?"
"I wanted to wait until we could celebrate properly before I broke the news to you."
I run my palms over my pant legs, hoping to hide the nervous moisture building in them. I don't know where she's going with this, but celebrating with her is definitely not on my list of things to do. She's studying me, keeping her bright eyes fixed on me. I feel like I'm some sort of lab experiment and wish she'd just spit out whatever it is she wants to say.
"Congratulations, Troy. You've been promoted to regional account service manager."
I exhale with a smile, relaxing for the first time. "That's fantastic. Thank you. What a surprise."
Her hand covers mine, and I fight the urge to pull it off the table.
"You deserve it."
"So what's my new job description? What does it entail?"
"Pretty much everything you already do, only now you'll be traveling across the region to meet with our clients and make sure they're happy. See what they like and what we can do better in the future. Wine them. Dine them. Take them out to dinner and ball games."
I need to back up. "Travel? How often?"
"It depends on how you want to work it, if you choose to be on the road a couple of weeks straight a month or a couple of days a week. You'll see what makes sense for you. And best of all, I'll be there right alongside you. At least in the beginning while you're still in training." It's that look. That sly, sultry look that's pricking at my skin. "And then, when we're away from here, we can really celebrate."
My mind races to my wife and daughter. I don't want to be away from them, and in light of what is going on, I don't think I should be away overnight at all.
"I'm sorry, Jacqueline. I can't travel."
She lets out a loud breath and looks off to the side, annoyed. "And why is that?"
I clear my throat. "I told you I have some personal things going on at home right now, and I'm not in a position to travel."
"Look, I get that you're having problems with your wife." Again, her hand covers mine. This time, I do pull away. "Trust me, some time away will do you both some good. The saying absence makes the heart grow fonder has been around for a long, long time. There's something to it. And you'll see, once you've gone some time without the fighting and arguing, the lust makes a reappearance."
"We're not having problems," I answer defensively.
Jacqueline smiles. "Fine. Then there is no reason you can't travel."
"I just can't, okay?"
"No, Troy. It's not okay. I'm offering you a real opportunity here, and you're turning me down without even giving it any consideration."
This is escalating, and I'm not sure why it's such a big deal.
"I'm flattered that you're making this offer--"
"Do you understand exactly what I'm offering you? Or are you too loyal and wholesome to pick up on the perks that come along with the position?"
Now I get it. I really get it. "Jacqueline, you are a beautiful, sexy woman." She leans back and takes a long sip of her champagne. "But I am fully committed to my wife."
"You mean foolishly committed."
I hold my hands up in surrender. "Fine. That's how you see it. Either way, I'm sorry, I'll just stay in my current role. While I appreciate it, I can't take the promotion."
"Are you absolutely certain you don't want the position?"
I hesitate for just a beat. I worked so hard for this, I sacrificed my relationship with Marlena, and I almost lost her because of it. Can I just turn my back on the promotion? I have to. I can’t even consider taking it. I nod my head. "Yes."
"Well then, let's go back to the office now so I can watch you pack up your personal belongings."
"What?" My stomach sinks like an anchor dropping to the ocean floor. I fight to hold back the panic sneaking in from the dark corners of my brain.
"Your current position, I'm sorry, the position you were in has been eliminated."
"What?" I raise my voice. "You can't do that!"
"Sorry, Troy, I already have. Weeks ago when I put in for your promotion. This was a formality. It's just a shame that you turned me down."
And by her smirk, I know she means on a personal level.
"Jacqueline, please," I plead. "I have a situation at home--"
"And I tried to give you an escape, an outlet to not only release some of the pressures of your home life, but to live a little and maybe even rekindle what died."
I understand what's going on. She's talking about her own home life, not mine. But there is nothing I can say to convince her of that. If I even try, she can easily turn it around and make it sound like I'm insulting her. Instead I grovel and hope to hell it works. I lie, with an attempt to string her along, hoping it buys me time to look for another job.
"Give me some time. Maybe in a month or two I can reconsider. Right now, my wife is sick. I need to be there, to be home at night--"
"Now you can be there at night, and in the morning. You can be there all day to wait on her hand and foot."
I'm shaking. I can't believe she's being such a bitch.
"This is sexual harassment."
Jacqueline laughs haughtily, like I just said something funny or ridiculous. "I don't know where you would get that idea from. Did I proposition you for sexual favors?"
"No."
"Did I touch you in a way or send
any sort of derogatory message that suggested I wanted to have sex with you?"
"No. But you said--"
"I said what? That I'd be traveling with you initially to train you? And you thought that meant I wanted to have sex with you?" She says it like the idea disgusts her. "If anyone should be claiming sexual harassment here, it's me."
I don't bother saying another word. It's a battle not worth fighting. It's one I already lost.
*
"You lost your job?" Marlena's eyes are wide and fearful.
"I'm so sorry I let you down. I didn't know how to tell you, so I've been driving around for the last couple of hours trying to figure things out. She said HR will contact me tomorrow to go over my package. I think because of the promotion, they have to give me something."
Marlena looks at the ground. It's as if she can't look at me. Could I feel more like a piece of shit? I make an attempt at reassuring her when really, I'm the one that needs reassurance. I need to know she doesn't hate me for jeopardizing our family. "I know this couldn't come at a worse time, but we'll find a way to get through it."
I pull her close, but she uses her arms as an obstacle between us.
"Marlena?"
"I can't. You smell like her."
I waste no time in unbuttoning my shirt and taking it off. I roll it into a ball and toss it on the floor. "It must be my clothes. I swear, I wasn't that close to her."
Once again I pull my wife into my arms. This time she lets me. I feel her body loosen up and relax in my arms.
"Maybe you should call her back and tell her you reconsidered."
"No. Absolutely not." I pull back to look in my wife's eyes. Although she isn't crying, they're glassy again. "No one comes between us, and I'm not leaving you when you need me the most."
A whimper leaves her lips. It's sad and strangled and not at all like the sexy, longing whimpers that I try to quiet at night with my mouth. This one is painful to hear.
I crook my finger under her chin and tilt her head up. "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"
"Dr. Varik called today with the results of the lumbar puncture."
Fuck. I don't know if I want to hear this. I don't know if I can handle it.
"And?"
"It's MS. I have multiple sclerosis."
Sharp pain surges through my chest. Darkness creeps in from the corner of my eyes. The world is fading to black around me.
Chapter 18
Marlena
I help Troy over to the kitchen counter while I retrieve a chair for him to sit in. I ignore the throbbing in my head because at this moment, I have to. I need to be strong because my husband needs me. He's been rock solid since he found out something is wrong with me, and I'm the reason we're in this mess to begin with. I have to make myself useful somehow.
"Are you alright?" I ask once he's seated.
Troy reaches his hand out and strokes my face. He shakes his head and pulls me down so I'm on his lap.
"I'm not alright. How about you?"
"I'm not alright either." Somehow, some way, we find humor in the situation, each of us laughing at the confession that neither of us is okay. Neither of us knows where to go from here. Troy's lips brush against mine, and he leans forward so that our foreheads are touching.
"I'm scared." I admit. "I'm terrified of what the future holds."
Yeah, that pretty much sums up the fear, the feeling that I'm running out of time. The problem is, I can't even articulate how or what I think is going to come to an end. My life? Walking? Being able to take care of myself?”
"Does it help any knowing I'll be right beside you, holding your hand? For better or worse?"
"It does. It's just the worse part. That's what scares me the most. I don't know how bad things will get, and I don't want to be a burden to you. It would kill me for you to think of me as another chore that needs taking care of."
"I promise, I'll never look at you as a burden. Right now I feel like I'm the one burdening our family in ways you can't imagine."
"Maybe this is karma's way of putting us on equal footing. Right now we both feel weak and like we're not pulling our own weight."
He smirks. "So we're forced to pull each other out of the pile of shit we fell in?"
"Because together, we're strong enough to handle anything. Besides, falling in shit should be the same as stepping in it." He looks confused at my comment. "It's supposed to be good luck."
"You seem a lot less upset now than you were when I walked through the door."
"Because you're here, and I'm in your arms. Before you came home, I imagined all sorts of horrible scenarios." I pause and look down, almost ashamed to tell him what was really bothering me. "I was most afraid that you were out having an affair with Jacqueline because you were attracted to the fact that she's strong and healthy and beautiful. Thinking that you were cheating with her, that she could offer you things that I can't, that was what really ate away at me."
"There is nothing she or anyone else can offer me that you can't. You're the same girl I met at the coffee shop in college. The same woman that’s stolen my heart and held it each day since. You're the same woman that gave birth to Mia. The same incredible mother that takes care of her every day, teaching her everything she needs to know. You’re the same woman that turns me on night after night, making me want to hide away from the world and have sex all the damn time. The same woman that cooks and cleans and takes care of all of us."
I shrug. "It's the cooking and cleaning that I haven't done so much of lately. That's the part I need the most help with right now."
"So we get a cleaning girl and we eat out more often."
"Maybe we should wait until you find another job to start those things."
"Maybe. For now, I guess I'll have to grill more. And instead of dressing up like a French maid, I can walk around topless in a pair of tight black pants and a bow tie." He smiles at me, and I smile back.
Tonight should be one of the worst nights of my life. I just received a dreaded diagnosis and my husband is currently unemployed. But it's not. Tonight reaffirms what I already know. We are stronger together than either of us is alone. Alone, we both wanted to crumple up and fade away. Together, we stand strong and laugh in the face of the unknown.
It's at this moment that I know whatever the future holds, it's going to be okay, because I have my soul mate. Since the day we met Troy’s been by my side. He’s made my heart race and my body tingle. We didn’t lose what we had, we just got blindsided by real life.
He immersed himself in work, and I took it personally and pulled away, but I’m done with that. Along with fighting MS for my life, I’m going to fight whoever and whatever I have to, to keep my husband by my side.
He'll continue to say things that piss me off on occasion, but it’s okay. I almost want him to, because I can’t wait to experience the magic of his apologies. They keep getting better and better. And I’m not worried about the Jacquelines of the world coming between us. I’m proud that I’m married to a hottie. A hottie that wants me every minute of the day.
“Since you don’t have anywhere to be tomorrow morning, what do you say we go to the bedroom and take advantage of our time together?”
Troy shakes his head. “Sorry, babe. I’m not really in the mood.”
“That stinks. I ordered some toys online, and I thought maybe we could try them out,” I say, biting my lip.
“Toys?” The idea brings a smile to his lips. “For us?”
“Uh huh.”
“God, I love you,” he says, getting up and letting me lead the way.
I'll still make mistakes and drive him crazy, but in the end, if we can hold on and fight through the darkness together, we'll be better for it. I plan to hold on tight with both hands and never let go. As long as we have each other, everything else will fall into place.
Eventually.
Epilogue
Three months later
"Wow!"
"Really? Are
you sure you like it?"
Like it? Is she kidding? It's my first look at Marlena since she disappeared two hours ago to get ready. My hard on is living proof that I don't just like it. I fucking love it. I take a quick peek at the clock to see if we have enough time for a quickie. Nah, we'll have to find somewhere to sneak off to after the ceremony.
"Really," I say, reaching for her hand and placing it over the bulge in my pants. "You look radiant. Absolutely amazing."
She claps her hands in front of her face like a young, giddy girl. That warm, gooey feeling spreads through my chest. The feeling that clued me into the fact that she was the "the one" when we met. The feeling I get so often again when I look at my wife.
She's going all out for my mother's wedding. The short, tight cocktail dress, the make-up and hair, but the best part of how she looks is the smile on her face and the focus in her eyes. It's the first time since Noah and Lexi's wedding that she's dressed up like this. And this time, there isn't a doubt in my mind that while she takes pride in looking good for herself, she's looking good for what it does to me as well.
I'm such an idiot to have thought she had any lingering romantic interest in Cooper. I'm embarrassed to even remember the things I said to her when I felt her slipping away. Instead of grasping her tight with both hands and pulling her back to me, I almost pushed her away for good.
Thank God Cooper helped open my eyes.
Of course, it was difficult to see anything through the pile of shit being dumped on us at the time. But it's all good. Losing my job when I did turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It kept me at home so I could chauffeur Marlena to the hospital for her IV treatment and take care of Mia, who started having major anxiety attacks when we'd leave her with someone. It just happened too often in such a short time span.
Not only that, but instead of just getting a glimpse of how this disease affected my wife, I got a front row seat. It helped me understand what she goes through on a daily basis, which gives me a better understanding of how to really help her.
Being home also allowed me to learn from the nurse, right along with Marlena, how to administer the injection she needs to take every other day. After seeing Marlena freak out when the needle shot into her thigh on her first attempt to give it to herself, I jumped right into action before she could pull it all the way out. Together we've found a routine that works. She prepares the solution: I inject it.
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