by Skye Winters
"They may want it, but have you seen another female alpha nearby? And you know leaving the boundary would leave us open to an attack. It would weaken us."
"Oh, so I guess you going to Devlin last night and telling him your female is sick was a better idea?"
I felt the sting of his hand on my face before I realized he'd turned on his heels.
His eyes widened, but his voice didn't betray him. "How dare you question my judgment. I've cared for and looked after this pack for nearly three decades. Don't you think I'd know what I'm doing by now? Christ, Anna. You're twenty-eight. Stop fighting who you are and accept this life. Our life. There's no leaving it. You will be alpha."
He stood between myself and the doorway.
I didn't move. "The law needs to change."
My father fisted his hands at his sides. "The laws we uphold have been in place for centuries. They’re there for a good reason."
"But we aren’t married to them."
"They’ve kept us safe, Anna. It’s why we have rules, and the laws won’t change just so you can have this... this..." he waved his hand, "affair."
My wolf bristled, but I held her back. "You think I want to change our laws because of how I feel—because of my bond?"
"You’re being childish. It isn’t a bond, and you know it." His eyes darkened.
"My heart knows it is. The law can’t rule my heart." I drew the amulet out from under my shirt as it glowed uncontrollably.
"So, you would put the entirety of this pack in danger for your heart?"
"If you had to make the choice again, would you do it for Mom? If being with her didn’t follow pack law."
"But it did, and I never would've bonded with a wolf who couldn't help in strengthening our pack."
"You can't know that."
"It doesn't matter. The law stands."
"The law is barbaric." I gestured out the window of his study. "Here we are fighting other packs for territory and claim over the boundary when we have humans right outside waiting for the veil to fall. They’re our enemy. Fighting over pack territory is outdated. This should be a safe haven for all of us, not a hideaway constantly up for grabs to whoever wins or sends the other alpha with his tail tucked between his legs."
"But we have the boundary to keep us safe from humans. They’re not our concern."
"Yet. They aren’t a concern yet. But the more they breed, the closer they’ll get. What should happen if they start building on the land right outside the boundary? What if their world overlaps ours? Wouldn’t it be better to fight as one pack than to fight alone against the humans and the other wolves? Fighting other packs will distract us. It will leave us open—"
"Listen to what you're saying. You claim to be against a bond with Devlin's pack—your words, not mine—and now you're insisting we what? Bond with them to keep the humans at bay? Do you even hear yourself?"
"Not Devlin's pack, Dad. You know as well as I do his being alpha had nothing to do with heritage or family. He hijacked what was once an allying pack's outpost, then he went as far as to take in every mutt he could find. He isn't an alpha. Not a real one. Not where the law is concerned."
"That's enough. This law isn’t just for our pack. You may be able to convince others, but you won’t convince myself or any of the other alphas who are loyal to our old standards."
"Those standards will be the first thing I change for our pack if you force me into this position."
"I'm not forcing you. You were born into it. If the full moon doesn't want to be full, do you think it would be allowed to change?"
"The moon is an object, a driving force. It isn't the same thing."
"Maybe not to you, but as the moon changes, we do the same. Our laws are what keep us alive."
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. "You mean the law that will only keep some of us in the boundary? The laws aren't a shield that can't be broken. They're a life sentence if we lose our pack to Devlin James."
"As I said before, your bond will help..." He reached for me, but I drew away.
"Haven't you been listening? I can't do what you're asking me to. I can't even fake it. He'll know the difference. I've already promised—"
"Do not finish that sentence. If you cannot follow the laws I have in place now, perhaps our ancient magic will set you right."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Every pack must have a balance. Part wolf, part human. Never more of one than the other. This is why wolves are given shifts—times when they can be in their feral forms. This is why we take on our human forms at all. It keeps us calm. Coherent. Sharp." He gazed behind me as he spoke. "You're forbidden to shift from now until you come around to our laws. You will be unable to take on the form of a wolf, and just so we're clear, that mutt you claim to love will remain as such until you give up this childish crush."
"How dare you," I growled. "How dare you call her a mutt. She has every right to be—"
"You’re pushing me to do this, Anna. It's the only way I can keep you safe. That's all I've ever wanted to do."
"You can't—"
"I just did." His eyes darkened as he tore the necklace from around my neck, breaking the chain in the process. "You can leave now. Come back to me when you want to talk."
He dropped my pendant into his pocket. It wasn't his gift to give, and it certainly wasn't his to keep, but fighting him now would've done more harm than good. So, gritting my teeth, I turned on my heels and stormed out of his study. Even as I walked through the halls, the walls felt closer than before. They were closing in on me. I couldn't get outside fast enough.
My heart ached to see Rowan, but if I didn't shift and let my wolf run now, she'd tear Rowan apart the first opportunity she got.
Voices murmured around me as I pushed past other wolves in our pack, but I didn't see them. My skin was on fire. My vision blurred. I threw open the screen door and flattened my palm against a nearby wall as I struggled for breath.
Doubled over, I stood there, waiting for the world to right itself. For the woods to stop spinning. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Something pricked at the back of my mind as my wolf clawed at my stomach, fighting to get out.
I couldn't have held her back even if I'd wanted to, so why wasn't I shifting?
Come on. Come on.
I curled my hands and winced when my nails dug at the wall. I had my strength. The same strength we wolves had in either form. It was the same power that allowed us to survive each time we changed. Every time we shifted forms, breaking and elongating our bones, that same strength was what kept us from bleeding out or writhing in pain.
I took in a shallow breath, followed by another, but no amount of breathing helped. My chest was tight, and each time I breathed, it constricted.
I didn't sense either of my brothers until they were right on top of me.
"Anna?" It was Markus, but the hand on my shoulder belonged to Caine. He was younger and the softer of the two. "What did Dad say?"
"He's never called you in there before," Caine finished.
I shook my head. I couldn't tell them the truth, not because I didn't want to but because, right then, it was physically impossible to do anything besides taking my next breath.
Caine wrapped an arm around my waist, pried my hand from the wall and then gently sat me down on the steps outside. "You look like crap."
I laughed. Sort of. "Thanks."
"Looks like she's gonna hurl," Markus added as he crouched in front of me. "Anna, can you at least look at me?"
I forced myself to meet his gaze, but the world started to tilt so I stared at my feet instead. "You going to lecture me, too?" My voice was thick. My words short.
"Why would I lecture you?" Markus took my hands in his the same way Rowan had done and gave them a squeeze. "You're acting funny, even for you."
"Dude, you do remember how Dad knocked the wind out of us after one of his rants? Give the girl a break." Caine sat beside me and set his elbows on
his knees. "I didn't come out of my room for days. And, Markus, you didn't talk for close to a week." He laughed, but I didn't join him. "Whatever you did, Anna, it can't be that bad. This is a first offense. Markus and I..." Caine whistled. "We've had many."
"Yeah, but she's Daddy's little girl," Markus teased, batting his eyes when I looked at him.
I managed to uncurl my body enough to punch him in the arm before drawing back into myself. I hugged my knees to my chest and hoped neither of my brothers would notice how bad I was shaking. I couldn't tell if I was literally shaking or if it was all in my head.
Dad's never sentenced you to a single form, I wanted to say, but then I'd have to explain why. I wasn't ready for that. If this was how my father reacted, I could only imagine the hazing I'd get from my brothers, even if I was the oldest.
I'm not the wisest. My Dad made that clear the second he forbid me to shift. I groaned and closed my eyes, barely registering Caine's hand on my back.
It can't work like this. Wolves shift out of balance all the time. It's how we've adapted to our surroundings. Any sign of danger and pretty much the entire pack acts as one. As wolves. Not frail, mortal humans.
It's all in your head, Anna. If it were, shifting shouldn't have been that hard. I could feel the fur bristling, the electricity coursing through me. Ice coiled at the base of my spine, slowly moving upward, same as it always did before a shift. But the change never came.
My senses were slightly heightened. I could hear Markus' heartbeat and smell what his wolf may have hunted last night. I could hear the tiniest bit of movement in the trees and hone in on its location. My wolf was still there. It hadn't left me. And yet, I couldn't shift.
"Maybe you would feel better if you let your wolf run a bit," Caine said. "When's the last time you went for a run, hmm? Here." He stood away from me and held out his hand. "I'll go with you."
"We both will." Markus was already removing his shirt and shoes.
Tears burned at the backs of my eyes. I hadn't joined them for a run in ages. Caine was right. A run was just what I needed to clear my head, and that was something I could do as a human or a wolf.
You know they're going to shift. It'll be odd if you don't do the same. Odd, but also understandable. Caine wasn't lying when he spoke about how he and Markus reacted to their first lecture from my father. And at the time, neither one felt comfortable enough—strong enough—to be a wolf.
They'll understand.
Glancing back at the house, I stood on shaking knees. Each time I turned my head, the world threatened to tilt on its axis. I still stretched my arms, ready to run.
Shirtless, my brothers waited for me to give them the signal. To let them know I was ready. They wouldn't shift or bolt until they were sure I was okay. No doubt they could sense my anxiety. If they hadn't, their wolves most likely had.
Looking at them now, they reminded me so much of our father. Well built. Intense eyes. The only differences were while my hair was as dark as the night sky, theirs were more of a ruddy brown. Caine's curls always crowded his face. It's a wonder he can see half the time. Markus was better groomed, but only by a little.
My father had had a fit when Markus refused to cut his hair, but at least now it was long enough to pull back in a hair tie, one of which he'd stolen from me.
"Stop staring," Markus said, working on his belt. "It's weird."
I nodded, feeling particularly numb as I hugged my arms around myself. "Sorry. I just... I think I'll go inside." I turned to go, but Markus stopped me.
"It'll help. I promise." He smiled when I leaned into him. "You're the one who's supposed to hold things together, remember?"
You mean how I'm turning my back on our laws and giving Rowan my heart? I shook my head. That was Dad talking. Not me. I'd never turn my back on anyone, including myself.
"What if I can't?" I asked in a low voice.
"Can't what?" Cained asked as he stood behind Markus.
I swallowed around the dry lump in my throat. Can't bond. Can't love. Can't shift. "What if I can't keep it together?"
Markus placed both hands on my shoulders. "Then I guess it falls to me." He drew me into his arms and stroked my hair. "It'll be fine, Anna. You'll see. Once Dad's cooled off, things will go back to normal."
I wanted to believe him. More than anything, I wanted to believe this was fallout from my father's grief. But if I did, if I gave in to hope, him denying me to shift once the embers cooled would crush me even more. And I couldn't face that pain again. I couldn't leave myself open to such a fatal blow.
I took a breath and, nodding to my brothers, slowly made my way off the steps. Wolf or not, a run always helped. And with my brothers at either side of me, maybe I could take in their strength until I found my own.
Assured I could stand, Markus and Caine stripped off the rest of their clothes and, very elegantly, took on their feral forms. I always loved seeing them shift. They didn't struggle the way I had always done. The way they shed their human skin was almost like a wolf shaking rainwater from its coat. Fluid. Beautiful. It was something I'd envied my entire life.
Maybe if you didn't deny it so much. No. It shouldn't have mattered. My brothers shifted whenever they could. I was different. I had to be different. I watched after the other wolves along with my mother, and wolves couldn't do that unless they were in their human form.
After a while, I got used to ignoring my wolf until it tore right through me. But I always missed the shift. I obsessed over it. When to shift. Where. How long. Who to shift with.
But for my father to tell me, for him to demand I not shift until he allowed? To leave it out of my control? It made me want to shift that much more.
Caine barked at me.
"Okay, okay. I'm coming." If I can't shift, at least I can feel the Earth beneath my feet. I quickly removed my shoes and socks, placed them on the stoop so they wouldn't get lost and finally turned for my brothers. "After you."
Caine and Markus took off, bolting down the trail, weaving back and forth so I had enough time to catch up. The cool air felt good on my face. Breathing became a little easier once we ran under the tree line. Curtains of light filtered through the canopy as moist soil slapped against my feet.
I was running. I may not have been a wolf, but I was running with my brothers. Their paws beat against the ground as my heart pounded in my chest. I envied them, their keen sense of smell and acute hearing.
Most of the time, I found the two distracting, but now that my wolf was locked away, it made their absence hard to ignore. I'd never been in my human form without all my senses intact. Granted, I could still smell, hear and see, but nowhere close to how my brothers experienced the same.
Caine weaved in front of me, playfully brushing my open palm with his furred coat. I smiled, and when I held both hands out to my sides, my brothers accepted the invitation of running beside me.
I knew I was holding them back. Their pace was severely compromised because I was too slow. But they didn't complain, whimper or whine. They ran with me.
Markus nudged my palm with his nose as he looked ahead. Even without speech, I could see it was up to me to decide which path we took. Like an alpha.
Nothing like an alpha.
I veered off to our left and headed even deeper into the brush toward the back of our territory. Branches clawed at my face, leaving stinging trails of blood in their wake which I easily ignored. Caine glanced at me, likely smelling the blood, but whatever he wanted to say was forgotten once I scaled the next hill.
Keep going until you can't take another breath.
If I spent all my resources, I wouldn't be compelled to change, and right now, that's exactly what I needed.
Chapter Five
I lost hours in the woods as I retraced our steps, recounting everything that had happened since last night. Halfway home, my brothers shifted into their human forms and kept behind me. I had no doubt they smelled my wolf all over the boundary, but it wasn't their business. It wasn't
my father's either, but because he was pack alpha, he had every right to know.
When we reached the back porch, my legs were on fire and my feet had gone numb. Every inch of my body was sluggish, frail and weak.
I'd stopped listening to my heartbeat hours ago, but it was still there, thrumming in my chest. I was alive, but without my father's permission to shift, I may as well have been dead.
"I'm going to get some sleep," I mumbled mostly to myself as I opened the door to go inside.
"You okay?" Markus placed a hand on the door. "You haven't said much and..." I knew what he was going to say and was glad when he didn't.
Caine, on the other hand, could never leave things be. "Your wolf—"
"Caine, don't. Just... let it go. Just this once. Okay?" The bitterness in my voice surprised me.
Caine never spoke another word, and as soon as Markus let go of the door, I walked as quickly as my wobbling legs would allow until I reached my room.
Far down the hall from my brothers, I closed myself away from the rest of the pack, slipping inside my room before pressing my back to the door. I closed my eyes and breathed. Inhale. Exhale. Simple. Instinctual, and yet, every breath was heavy. Suffocating.
He can't keep me like this.
One day.
My father would punish me for one day and then think of some other way to get his point across. He had to, because if not, I was pretty sure I'd be the first to break.
My stomach dipped, and I didn't have to open my eyes to know I wasn't alone. Claws clicked against floorboards, and when Rowan's wolf set her nose in my palm, I just about lost it.
My knees gave, and I sunk to the floor, fighting back tears that had already started to moisten my cheeks.
Rowan licked my face and sat before me as I drove my hands through her fur, hugging my arms around her.
"I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. If I'd only done as he asked—"
Rowan's deep rumble forced me to open my eyes, to meet her gaze as she drew away from me and padded over to the bed. She jumped onto the comforter and looked in my direction. I knew her body language well enough to see she wanted me to join her. And with branches still tangled in my hair, I climbed into bed and breathed a little easier when she mantled over me.