by S. E. Harmon
“We’re going paddleboating,” he said determinedly. “I’m not leaving here without it.”
“Fine by me,” I said lazily. “At this point I don’t care if we ever leave at all.”
He cocked his head to the side as he considered that. “These are pretty nice digs. Better than my place.”
“That it is.”
“We have enough space to get another dog.”
“We could get another dog,” I agreed. “A real one this time, and not one I’m pretty sure is stuffed.”
He looked at me suspiciously. “A golden retriever?”
“Whatever you want,” I assured him. We were so getting a black Lab.
He stuck his feet into his hiking boots, a pair of battered low-rise Timberlands. “I’ll consider it,” he said. “Until then, up and at ’em, Blue.” He smacked my naked ass and headed for the door. “I want to see you outside by eighteen hundred hours.”
“Okay.” I closed my eyes and yawned. “Seeing how that’s six o’clock and exactly four hours away, that works for me.”
“Damn.”
I opened one eye and peered at him as he scratched his head. Despite his complete disregard for real military time, he was adorable. “Aren’t you a physics professor?”
“Shut it.” He pointed a finger at me. “I want to see you outside in… whatever the hell thirty minutes is.”
“Yes, sir.”
He paused at the door. “I like it when you say ‘yes, sir.’”
“Do you?” I buried my smile in the comforter as I pretended not to notice him looking at my ass. Then I spread my legs a little so he could get a better view. It was kind of ironic that, not so long ago, I’d been apprehensive about him having me like that. Oh, what a difference a year made. This version of Blue liked to fuck and be fucked with equal fervor.
Kelly didn’t move from the doorway. Giving up the ghost on subtle, I got up on my knees. “Maybe I could be convinced to say ‘yes, sir’ again.”
“Blue,” he said, his voice a little hoarse.
Long story short?
I said it again. And again and again and again….
WE FINALLY made it paddleboating, but the sun was already going down. Kelly made me do most of the pedaling as he lay back with his arms behind his head like a captain of his ship. By the time we finally pedaled back in, it was dusk. We discussed dinner plans as we got the boat situated by the dock. Kelly seemed to be leaning toward tacos, but I was feeling like pasta primavera.
“Do you know how to make pasta primavera?” he asked, one hand on his hip.
I hid a grin. “No. I did all the work pedaling, so I figured your lazy behind would do the cooking.”
His mouth fell open. “Are you implying I didn’t carry my own weight?”
“Sure you did. If you weigh two pounds.”
His laugh rang out, clear and sure. “You’re an ass.”
“And yer a lazy crew, but ye will do.”
“You know you’ll miss being out here with me,” he teased.
I wanted to deny it, but there was no point denying the obvious. I would paddle his boat around Lake Michigan as long as he was sitting next to me. I reached over and rearranged his ball cap on his head so I could get to his face. I leaned in and kissed his sun-warmed mouth and lingered a little longer than necessary for a quick kiss.
“Yes, I will,” I responded when I pulled back.
I saw a glint in the distance and squinted for a better look. It took me a moment to realize what was happening, and then I understood how your whole world could fracture in the span of one second.
The glint I’d seen was a shiny silver phone, and some guy was holding it in our direction. I stared at Kelly blankly and then back at the guy. I didn’t even need to see my own face to know it was chalk white. Some guy filmed me kissing Kelly. Kissing Kelly.
I set him away from me almost on automatic and started for the hill.
“Blue!” Kelly shouted. He grabbed my arm as I darted past. “Don’t—”
“Don’t what?” I whirled on him. I tugged my arm out of his grasp, and he stepped back a few steps at the expression on my face.
“Don’t make it worse,” he finally said.
“He has a picture or video of me kissing you,” I said. “How could that get any worse?”
My brain caught up with my mouth a little late, and I wanted to smack myself. Two flags of pink appeared on his cheeks as he swallowed, and I shoved my hand through my hair. “Fuck, that came out wrong.”
“I think it came out perfectly,” he said coolly. “I’m going back up to the house to start dinner.”
“Kel—”
“Go do what you have to do, but don’t hurt him. I don’t have enough cash to post your bail.”
God above, this vacation was such a fucking disaster. One step forward and two Grand-Canyon-sized leaps backward. I watched him head back down the trail toward the house, and I was torn. I wanted to go after him and smooth things over, get back to where we’d been before I opened my big stupid mouth, but I needed to get that phone first.
I sprinted for the guy, who jumped to attention. He took off running, and the chase was on, but it didn’t last long. Only one of us made a living by evading linebackers, and it wasn’t him. I caught up and passed him slightly, just far enough to grab the phone out of his grubby little hand. He came to a stop, breathing so hard he started to cough. Then he started to wheeze.
“Are you asthmatic?” I asked.
“No… just… little bit winded.”
Little bit winded? He sounded like he was about to conk out at my feet. I looked at him doubtfully. “Put your head between your knees and breathe,” I instructed. “Breathe normally. Slow, deep breaths. It’s going to hurt at first, but you’ll feel better.”
He did what I said and tried to get his breath back as I watched. When he could speak again, he stood up straight and pointed at his phone. “What the hell, man?”
“I could ask you the same thing. This is private property.”
“Hey, you don’t want to get caught making out with your boyfriend, maybe you should take that shit inside.”
I stepped toward him before I even knew what I was doing. Where was a bobcat when you needed one? I wanted to toss his ass right off the trail and send him rolling in the brush. Only Kelly’s words, “Don’t make it worse,” kept me from, well, making it worse.
I swiped my thumb across the screen, and I was almost surprised when it opened, no code required. I deleted the photo quickly and then checked to make sure there weren’t any others. Then I did a major-league windup and pitched his phone in the water.
His face went a mottled red. “The fuck you do that for? Dude! I just upgraded.”
“I’ll pay for your stupid phone.” I dug in my pocket and pulled out my wallet. Luckily for me, I always carried cash for emergencies. I pulled out six bills and stuck them in his hand. He counted them out and made a displeased noise.
I sighed and counted out another four bills and slapped them in his palm. “That’s at least three times what your stupid phone is worth.”
“I still lost my pictures and contacts.”
“They can transfer them at the store,” I growled.
“I’ll have it uploaded by tonight,” he said snottily. “I already sent the video to a friend of mine.”
“Did you?” For the first time in my life, I understood the phrase “my blood went cold.” I could literally feel it crawling through my veins.
“I said so, didn’t I?”
I stared at him, trying to see if he was telling the truth. I didn’t think he’d had enough time—I’d been on him like a lioness on a zebra in one of those wildlife shows. I knew a bluff when I smelled one. “No, you didn’t.”
“We’ll see, won’t we?”
He pushed by me on the trail, and as I watched him go, and I suddenly understood why people being blackmailed made so many stupid decisions. I felt like my whole life was walking away with him, and that man—that sh
ort, portly guy in the plaid golfer shorts—had the power to ruin everything I’d ever worked for.
I forced myself to unclench my fists, looked up at the sky, and breathed in deeply for a few seconds. It made me frustrated and angry. Why should anyone care who I slept with? I was still Blue. I could still handle the ball. I was still one of the top-paid tight ends in the league. I was still me.
I just happened to be lucky enough to find my better half, and it just so happened to be a guy… who was extremely pissed off with me. That probably had something to do with the fact that I was ready to throw someone in the lake to keep him from selling a video of us kissing to TMZ.
Fuck. I started the long walk back to the cabin, and I dragged my feet a little. The thick green vegetation that had fascinated me on the way up had faded. Now it just looked like a good place for someone to hide.
When I finally came through the front door, Kelly was at the kitchen island, chopping vegetables on the cutting board. There was a half-empty glass of wine next to his elbow as he methodically worked the knife. He really was getting better at cooking. Seeing him so comfortable in the kitchen was almost enough to distract me from his face, which looked tired and drawn. His bottom lip was caught between his teeth.
I closed the door quietly, and he paused in his chopping. His eyes were careful and wary as he arched his eyebrow in mute question.
I didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “I got his phone,” I said.
“Good for you.” He went back to julienning the red pepper and inclined his head toward the kitchen counter. “You had a missed call.”
I checked my phone and saw the missed notification from Savannah. Fuck. As though we needed another issue between us to make things awkward. I held up the phone. “Did you check this?”
That was as long as the peace lasted. He made an irritated noise. “I know it’s your mother, Blue. But if you just feel the need to smash all the phones in the vicinity, there’s still a sat phone in the car.”
“I didn’t smash his phone,” I said hotly. “I kind of… jettisoned it off the pier.”
“You what?” He gaped at me, knife dangling in his hand, mise en place duties forgotten. “Oh my God. I was just kidding. Tell me you didn’t.”
My face burned. “I might’ve… kind of thrown it in the lake.”
He stared at me for a moment as though I’d lost my mind, and then a laugh escaped his tightly compressed mouth. That laugh set me off, and I started to bray like a donkey, which sent him into a bout of giggles. Suddenly we were laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe—equally from amusement and the relief of tension.
“I can’t believe…,” he managed through his laugher, face a little red, “that you chucked his phone in the lake. You know how technology works, right?”
“No way he uses the cloud.” I clutched my stomach and tried to calm down. “Besides, I gave him money for a new… new one.”
“What did he say?”
“He s-s-said, ‘Duuude. I just upgraded.’”
My impression set us off again, and it was a while before we could even speak. We finally subsided, mostly by avoiding looking at one another so we could get our shit together. “You’re such an asshole. You made my stomach hurt.” Kelly wiped tears from his eyes. “I can’t believe you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said once I finally calmed down. It was clear I wasn’t talking about the golfer’s phone. “I didn’t mean to freak out like that.”
“That’s okay.” He went back to his chopping, but his face looked less pinched—a little resigned, but not so angry and defeated. “I said I’d give you all the time you need, and I don’t say things I don’t mean.”
I scowled. “What about this morning in the shower when I made you go get the lube?” I might be gung ho for getting fucked, but my ass was still pretty new at it. I’d made it perfectly clear he wasn’t fucking me with conditioner. “You called me a fucking princess.”
“And I meant every word.”
Even the simple curve of his mouth was getting me ready to go, or maybe it was the memory of him spreading my ass in the shower and eating me out until I was a pile of helpless goo and then fucking me until it was hard to make words. He helped me out of the shower because my legs were wobbly as noodles, and then he dried me off like I was something precious.
No one had ever made me feel like he did. I wasn’t ready to lose it.
“I just don’t want you to decide this is too hard. That you’ve had enough and you’re done.”
He looked up, and when he spoke, his voice was sharp. “You and I decide when we’re done, not some guy with a smartphone.”
“But I—”
“You know there’s a chance he already uploaded the picture or sent it to himself or a friend, or, hell, just autosaved on the cloud.”
He wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t already thought of a million times on that long walk back to the cabin. “I know.”
“We might have to make some hard decisions pretty soon, Blue, and answer some pretty hard questions. I think I’m ready for them.” He paused and let me sweat it out. “I hope you are too.”
You and me both. I quietly watched him put our dinner together, my thoughts a riotous mess. You and me both.
CHAPTER 20
Blue
A WEEK after we got back from vacation, I finally met with Savannah. I waited at a table in the small eclectic coffee shop she’d picked and surreptitiously eyed her at the counter where she was getting a refill on her tea. What was supposed to be a ten-minute meeting had stretched into a thirty-minute discomfort fest where she mostly plucked at her napkin and stared at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. I did a lot of stirring my drink and eyeballing the unusual, funky décor. The entire place had been decorated by someone who was a little too into garage sales and knickknacks—especially clocks.
I sipped my drink and grimaced. As far as I could tell, it was 50 percent chai, 50 percent green tea, and 100 percent awful. The scone was awful. The conversation was awful, and I wasn’t even sure why I was there at all.
Maybe because I’d finally decided to let bygones be bygones and move on with my life. Or maybe it was only fair that Savannah finally have her say. Or maybe I was there in the interest of growing up and not just avoiding the woman forever. All of that sounded really nice and mature, but I knew the truth of it—Kelly was still mad at me from our lake-house fiasco, and I thought by doing something that he wanted, maybe I’d get back into his good graces. Pathetic but true.
He wasn’t acting overtly different. There was nothing I could put my finger on, nothing I could accuse him of doing and demand he cease doing it. It was more in the looks he gave me—long, thoughtful, unsmiling looks. I didn’t know what they meant, and frankly, I was kind of afraid to ask. For years I’d been after Kelly to stop relying on sarcasm and his sense of humor to put people off and avoid the truth. When he finally did, it was freaky as hell.
Savannah came back with a smile and sat in her chair. “Do you like this place? I come here pretty often.”
A cat clock with eyes that went back and forth ticked above my head. “It’s… different.”
“I’m not a fan of those big chains with commercialized everything.” She stirred her tea, which seemed to have more leaves than liquid. “When you called, I thought of this place immediately—someplace quiet where we could talk.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’m glad.” She smiled nervously. “So how’s football going?”
I sighed. My mother had never cared about sports. Even with both of her children in the NFL, I couldn’t imagine that had changed. “Savannah—”
“I know, I know. I know you didn’t come all the way down here for this.”
“Then why am I here?” I didn’t know if I was asking her or myself. “You said you had some things you wanted to say to me, but I don’t really need any explanations or apologies from you. It was all so long ago. I’m not trying to hurt you here, but I don’t even know if
I even care anymore.”
“You care,” she said quietly.
“And you would know this how?” I tried to temper the irritation in my voice, but I wasn’t entirely successful. “Because you just know me that well?”
“Because since I’ve started trying to contact you over two years ago, I’ve seen many emotions from you—anger, distrust, dislike… anger.” There was definitely a reason she said anger twice.
I felt the flush in my cheeks, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was watching a young couple bicker playfully at the sugar-and-creamer station. When they moved on with their drinks, she finally looked back at me again. “None of those emotions have anything to do with apathy, Britton.”
“Of course some part of me is angry,” I said carefully. “But I don’t know what your apologies will do for that.”
“I’m not here to apologize.”
Say what? I damn near fell out of my chair. That was pretty much the most outrageous thing I’d heard in a long time, right behind Kelly claiming he didn’t know who could have possibly eaten all the leftover ribs from his parents’ barbecue.
I looked at her placid face and wondered if there was a narcotic in her drink. If there was anyone in the world who owed me an apology, it was the woman who left me without a backward glance.
“You want to run that by me one more time?” I finally asked. It seemed a little more prudent than “watchu talkin’ bout, Willis?”
“I left your father because I had to. It really had nothing to do with you boys. I loved you both in a way you’d probably have to be a parent to understand.”
Loved us? I stared at her with something akin to disbelief. “I’m not really sure you understand exactly how much your actions affected our lives.”
“You don’t have to speak for your brother.” She smiled faintly. “I had a lovely dinner with Ian and his girlfriend just two months ago. She made the best lasagna…. I can’t quite remember her name now. Do you know it, dear?”
His latest? Not the foggiest. Ian went through girlfriends like he went through socks, and each one was even more forgettable than the last. He didn’t keep them around long enough for me to get to know them. He didn’t respect women. Hell, in my humble opinion, he didn’t even seem to like them all that much. A lot of that was because Ian was a dick. But as I stared at Savannah, I suddenly realized that some of that was because of her.