by CD Reiss
“That’s the sub talking, and that makes me uncomfortable too.” He took my hand. That little touch cracked me open. I had to hold back another sob.
“Because subs aren’t supposed to talk?” I bristled just enough for anger to temper the sobs.
“Because the sub is you.”
I had questions about what he’d expected of bringing me to Montauk if not to bring out my inner submissive, but he was missing the point.
“Well,” I said, “that was your wife talking.”
A door slammed across the yard. Adam and I froze, hearing indistinct voices, the faraway words of a man and the softer cries of a woman.
Adam stood between the window and me. He didn’t move.
“Another show?” I asked.
“Probably. But not what you think. Punishing a woman who likes to be punished can get complicated.”
I could have shown him I trusted him by showing no interest in what was outside, but my body reacted to the unknown in the way it always did. I stepped toward the window and looked over Adam’s shoulder. He moved behind me, and we watched together.
Serena brushed the last of the snow from a picnic chair and spread a blanket over it. Stefan sat down and crossed his legs. She bowed to him and walked to the left side of the yard, where the snow was untouched.
“It’s pure devotion,” I said. “And she doesn’t mean any of it.”
“She does.”
“She wants you.”
“Serving him still satisfies her.”
Serena walked into the fresh snow, making grey footprints in the flat white expanse. Adam put his hand on the small of my back. She walked a straight line, then followed it back and jumped to leave a blank space.
“Why is the paddle on the window seat?” he asked in my ear.
“Serena left it.”
“Your lip marks are on it.”
I looked down at it. In the angle of the winter light, a dull O broke the sheen of the wood finish. I could deny they were mine, but what would be the point? The instrument was meant to be used.
He took a deep breath against my neck. I couldn’t see him, so I couldn’t tell if the sigh was arousal or annoyance.
Serena jumped once, making a single divot, jumped again, and walked a line parallel to the first. She ran back to the start and made a diagonal.
“What you did to Serena last night,” I said. “I want you to do that to me.”
“Why?”
Serena finished the letter M in the snow.
I’M
I’d been brutally honest when I left him, but I’d been shallow. There was a more brutal, more honest truth to be told.
“I need it.” My voice cracked.
Adam took half a step back. When I started to turn to face him, he held me in position, watching Serena in silence.
I’M SO
“You need it?” he asked.
“Yes. I can’t explain why. Seeing you give that to her… I was jealous, but there was something else. I know you were angry, but I wished I was her. I wanted to be free.”
I’M SOR
He ran his fingers down my back. “I want to break you right now. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. At this point, I don’t know whether to take you home and pretend this never happened or take you deeper with me.”
“It’s too late to pretend it didn’t happen.”
His hands caressed my ass, running under it and between my legs, getting his finger under my panties.
I’M SORR
“This works better if you’re turned on already.”
My clit was swollen and hungry for him. My eyes closed when he touched it. He was going to give it to me. My fear was the flame under my desire.
“Yes, sir.”
He sucked in a breath. “Put your hands on the glass.”
I bent at the waist. Adam leaned over me and picked up the paddle, putting it in front of my face.
“Kiss it again.”
I’M SORRY
I kissed the wood reverently, letting my lips linger on it. The plane that was going to hurt me, dominate me, challenge me to be less and more than I’d ever been.
Adam ran his hand over my ass, up to my lower back, which he pressed down while he tapped my bottom with the paddle.
“Up,” he said.
I pushed my ass up for him. The very act of offering him my body for his domination relaxed my muscles and quieted my mind.
How had I ever lived without this?
I’M SORRY D
“We go until she finishes your name. Ready?”
I nodded. My body responded with ecstatic vibrations humming with the sound of sexual pleasure.
“Say words.”
“Yes, sir.”
I heard the whistle in the air before the pain, which was more intense than I dreamed possible. I screamed. Stefan looked up. Serena stopped and met my eyes through the window. Stefan barked at her, and she continued.
Adam hooked his fingers in the waist of my underwear and slid them down, tapping my ankles to let me know I had to step out.
“I don’t like screaming, but I understand you might not be able to help it. Open your mouth.”
I did. He stuffed my underwear in my mouth.
I’M SORRY DI
Stefan was still looking up at us. Serena glanced up when she could take her eyes off her feet. Could she see me? I hoped so. I wanted her to know Adam was claiming me.
“What’s your name?” Adam asked, stroking and tapping my ass.
“Eye-ah-uh.”
The next stroke hit like a blowtorch, and I screamed into the taste of my cunt, twisting my legs. He pushed me straight, tapped, struck again.
I’M SORRY DIA
He rained a series of blows on my bottom and the backs of my thighs, first one side, then the other, then both. Burn on burn. He stopped for a moment to touch me, grabbing raw skin. I groaned from deep in my lungs, and he paddled me again.
Yes, I cried. My face was slick with tears. Tears of relief. I accepted that I needed something in this. Some release that had built up my entire life. A reset button. A reboot. A place where I only had to bend.
I was submissive.
I’M SORRY DIAN
I saw Serena finish the N through a fugue. I was floating, and Adam was the rope that held me fast to the earth with his will and his pain.
I’M SORRY DIANA
“What’s your name?” His voice cut through the soothing vapor of my surrender, transmitted through the clouds to kiss me with approval.
The high had nothing to do with the pain. The high was pleasing him. The high was from my choice to leave my own will behind, go further, endure more, give more.
I said my name.
My name was a rumble in my throat.
My name was a single, long sound.
My name was the shape of my body leaning on the window.
The light got dimmer as Adam leaned into my face, blocking the window. His hands framed my face.
“You are so deep in subspace,” he said as he pulled my panties from my mouth.
I hoped that made him happy, because I wanted him to be happy, and I had no control over the dream state I’d entered.
He picked me up under my arms and knees and carried me to the bed before laying me out on my stomach. I couldn’t do more than follow him with my eyes as he got things from the bathroom, arranged my body comfortably, put a blanket over me.
“Was I all right?” I asked, surprised by the huskiness of my voice.
He knelt by the side of the bed to be at my eye level. “Unreal. You’re not broken, but I didn’t expect you to take so much. Didn’t expect subspace.”
“Is that good?”
He wiped away tears I didn’t know I’d shed. “Just stay still and let me take care of you.”
The pain on my bottom was split by a line of cool balm. Adam spread it wherever I burned. Slowly, he worked it in, aggravating the bruises and raising another heat. He pulled my legs apa
rt and massaged the insides of my thighs. I was coming out of subspace and into more familiar territory.
He put his hands on my hips. “Up on your knees.”
He helped me move until my ass was up and I was exposed. He spread me apart. I was coming down from the high, and the pain of his touch made me cringe. When he ran his thumb over bruised muscles, I squeaked.
He slapped me lightly. “Shush. Trust me.”
Before I could agree, he put his tongue around my opening, circling it. I was on fire, so close that when he sucked on my clit, I burst apart. But he didn’t stop. He gave me orgasm after orgasm, until I was awake, aware, and screaming in ultimate pleasure.
I had only had the simplest words.
Good. Yes. Mine. Yes. More.
Chapter 81
PRESENT TENSE – DAY FOURTEEN
In the hours after he brought me back from subspace, I’d told him about the Manet. I’d never told anyone about it, and when he pulled up the painting on his phone, he said, “Wow. I wonder how many awakenings this thing is responsible for.”
He’d fed me dinner in bed, and I fell asleep in his arms. He didn’t pat my shoulder or look far away. He was completely, unequivocally present.
I woke at dawn with his hand on my cheek. His lashes flicked and his body rose and fell with his breath. I turned my head and kissed his palm, moving my lips to form words my throat wouldn’t agree to make.
“I love you.”
I loved complying. I loved hushing for him. Pleasing him. Trusting him.
I got out of bed. My body ached, and my ass was black and blue. It hurt to get dressed and walk down the stairs, but in a way, that reminded me of the pleasure of the day before.
The sky was the same deep blue as the ocean, tinged lighter at the horizon. I’d been in the house two weeks and hadn’t walked on the beach.
The ocean called me. I felt strong, sure, joyful as I got on my coat and hawk scarf.
Tell him you love him.
I was going to tell him, and I was going to stand straight and tall when I did. Then I was going to kneel and he was going to fuck me like he owned me.
It was a plan.
I opened the back door and walked outside, shutting it behind me with a squeak and a slap. The sea was louder than I expected, and the salty wind bit my cheeks. I crossed the wooden deck, its furniture cushioned in smooth snow piles.
Down the wood stairs to the snowy grass, I steeled myself to tell him I loved him. Then we’d go back to Manhattan and…
And what? What if we had the same problems? What if my infatuation with this new Adam was no more than that? An infatuation with excitement and adventure? What if all the same shit reappeared in a week or a year and he was as distant as he ever was? Could I leave him twice? Could I ever screw up the courage again? And how old would I be? How much closer to the day I had to face what my mother had faced?
The backyard grass ended abruptly with a fence. Beyond it, the rocky beach took over. The sea undulated back and forth. The line between wet and dry made a sine wave thirty feet from the fence.
“It’s high tide,” a voice said in the blustering wind.
I snapped my head in the direction of the sound. Stefan in a pea coat and wooly ribbed cap. His eyes were riveting blue and his hands were in his pockets.
“It doesn’t usually get this close. It concerns me.”
My decision to go outside the gate was overruled by good sense. “I’m sure you have flood insurance.” I put my hands on the top of the gate but didn’t open it.
“Of course. But it won’t stop the water if the water wants to come. We hold it back and it pushes forward. One for one. Quid pro quo.”
He was intimidating even when he smiled. Even when his hands were stuffed in his pockets and he was saying something general and philosophical about the tides.
“I’m sorry about what happened,” I blurted. “I can explain.”
He shook his head. “Don’t. You did nothing wrong. I’m the one who’s sorry. I love Serena, but she has a way of creating trouble.” He leaned on the fence and looked over the ocean. “Have you seen the rocks on the beach? Schist mostly.” He dug into his pocket and pulled out a fistful of small stones. He held them out to me.
I couldn’t see the stones well. The sun just peeked over the horizon. It was still not quite daylight, but one stone stood out to me. It looked like a heart. Not a paper heart folded and cut, but a muscle. A living thing.
“This is interesting.” I pointed at it, and he rolled it to his fingertips, holding it up. His hands were deft as a magician’s.
“Yes,” he agreed enthusiastically. “It’s quartz. Not special, but this?” He pointed at what looked like a valve in the dark, but it was actually a rough fractal twisting around the smooth shape. “Coral from the Gulf Stream. It can attach to rocks and get carried away to foreign waters.”
“It’s beautiful.”
He handed it to me. “It only lives one summer season up here. Then it dies and leaves this. Take it.”
I took it and put it in my pocket.
“I thought he had no business bringing you here,” Stefan said.
“And you changed your mind?”
He laughed to himself. “No, actually. But I understand his desperation.” He put the rest of the stones in his pocket. “I’m losing Serena.” He brushed a line of snow off the top of the gate. “When I leave her alone to respect her space, I lose her. When I pin her down, I feel her leaving me. If I thought a trip to the suburbs for thirty days of vanilla sex would bind her to me, I’d try it.”
“Vanilla’s a state of mind.”
“Touché.” He smiled ruefully. “Nothing lasts forever, I guess.”
“I’m sorry.” I kneaded the rock in my cold fingers. I felt for him in a way I hadn’t felt for Adam when I hurt him. I hadn’t steeled my heart against Stefan.
“I saw you here and I thought, ‘Ah, talk to her. She’s in Serena’s shoes. She’ll tell you what to do.’” He waved off his own stupid ideas. “The desperate strategies of a desperate man.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “It’s going to be fine.”
“The owner of all your pain and pleasure has arrived,” Stefan said, indicating behind me with a jerk of his chin.
Adam was taking big steps across the back deck. He wore a fresh shirt and trousers, but his shoes were untied and he wasn’t wearing a jacket.
“I didn’t tell you to get out of bed,” he said when he was close.
“You never needed to tell me before.”
His look crumpled me like a piece of paper with the wrong words on it. The many ways to tell a man to go fuck himself shot up my throat, only to be trapped behind my teeth when I locked my mouth shut.
“I see how much you want to be punished,” he said, holding up one finger. He slowly lowered it. “Knees.”
Knees? He wanted me to kneel in front of Stefan? Over what? I was touching Stefan’s shoulder but there was a fence between us, and more importantly, fuck him.
“Huntress. Do not disobey me.”
His tone didn’t speak to the Diana who told him to fuck himself. It spoke directly to the part of me that needed his ownership. I couldn’t pretend that his voice wasn’t a physical force to that need.
I put my knees in the snowy grass.
“So pretty from this angle,” Stefan said. The same guy who had just spoken to me in desperation was now the voice of humiliation.
“She is,” Adam replied. Then, by a change of tone, he spoke to me. “Crawl back to the house and wait for me in your room. Go.”
I’d said I wouldn’t crawl for him. I’d stated it explicitly in black and red and white. But I’d also said he couldn’t hit me with a paddle and he couldn’t gag me. I also said I wouldn’t call him sir.
I’d leapt over my own boundaries, and let him leap over the rest.
I put my hands on the cold deck. I had to stop. My heart was beating too hard and my pussy went code red with need. Hands and kn
ees in front of these men, I fell back into where I’d been the day before.
I must have taken too long to think about it. Even as I knew I was going to do exactly what Adam asked, I hesitated.
He unbuckled his belt and yanked it out of the loops in one move. He stood right in front of me, crotch to face, and folded the belt in two. “Open your mouth.”
I did, and before the obscenities I had ready came marching out, he put the belt in it.
“Bite.”
Stefan laughed derisively, as if he was partnering with Adam in this particular leap over a sub’s limits.
My knees were getting cold. I had to decide to obey him or not.
I bit down into the leather of my husband’s belt.
“Now. Crawl inside. And keep your ass in the air. I’ll see you upstairs.” His tone wasn’t unkind, but it did reveal an expectation of compliance. He wasn’t asking. He was neither impatient nor shrill.
I’d been living with a god all these years and never knew.
He snapped his fingers and I dropped to my hands. “Go.”
My body jerked to obey as if his will was a natural force. I moved one hand, then one knee. The shallow layer of ice and snow crunched under me.
My mind fell into a swoon. I was permitted to do this, first by myself, then by Adam. His protection made it possible. I felt them behind me, watching my disgrace as my tongue tasted the leather of the belt. My ass still hurt from the paddle. The thought of the sting of that belt on top of it didn’t cause fear, but a hopeful anticipation.
When I got to the door, I had to stand to open it. In the reflection of the glass, I saw Adam standing silently, facing the ocean, in the middle distance between Stefan and me. His back was as strong and solid as a brick wall. I slid the door open and got on my feet.
I took the belt out of my mouth. I probably wasn’t supposed to even be standing, much less removing it without permission.
Adam still stood, feet spread apart, hands balled into fists at his side. Stefan hadn’t moved either. Only the tide had shifted.