The Sex Lives of English Women

by Wendy Jones

  A large part of my day can be spent in fantasies, not really achieving anything. There’s a lot of time-wasting. I can use fantasies to zone out of my life in the same way I can zone out with anything else, like sugar or alcohol. I’m talking about compulsive fantasy; something that drops into my mind, like my brain’s wired that way. I’m now realising the fantasising is addictive in nature. At first, masturbation was something I would do when I felt lonely, and then it became a way to deal with a lot of things like feeling anxious, feeling out of sorts. There’s something about making a decision: it’s helpful to masturbate. To go into fantasy and then masturbate helps me forget about what I’m supposed to be doing. Going into fantasyland when I feel tired is completely automatic and it does feel addictive, and therefore I cannot stop doing it. I cannot stop fantasising without help and without working through some issues. Fantasy comes, knocks into my mind and then it’s there. I can either play it out or I can do what I do now, which is to try and reject it from my mind and think up something else. I don’t watch porn now. I don’t know if I’ll go back to watching it. It feels like I’ve put that down.

  I find it very difficult to be present with someone all the way through sex because I don’t think I’ve ever done that. Man or woman, it’s the same thing, I’m basically fantasising. Fantasising helps me to feel that I’m not in the relationship, that I’m actually somewhere else doing something else, and that’s a huge comfort. If I take that away, do I actually like sex? And if I do like sex, how do I like sex, and who with? I’d like to know that. I’d like to know if some of the feelings I had with men were real or whether it was all approval-seeking. The fantasy comes in to help me; otherwise I can’t do sex. If I don’t fantasise I get really anxious and I feel like I can’t cope with being in the relationship and I want to leave and run away. But now I don’t want to use fantasy to control my life because my past relationships have been damaged by it.

  I’ve talked to my partner about compulsive fantasising and I’m not sure that she understands what I mean. She definitely is aware of my aggressive response to having her reach out to me when I’m fantasising. I get very aggressive and defensive. It would be better if I wasn’t in the fantasies, then there wouldn’t be this area of my being that she can’t get to and if she does, it’s met with an angry shutdown. It’s a private place I go to quite aggressively. It is always me on my own. Fantasising feels like isolation now. The more I try to engage with other people in romantic relationships and in friendship the more I realise I need other people.’

  3

  Shop assistant

  Sigourney, 38, Watford

  ‘I’ve never ever, ever had sex like that before’

  ‘I work as a trainee manager in a large fashion chain. I’m just a trainee manager, so it’s not like an actual manager. It’s really, really hard work. I’d say I’m a hard worker. People come in and buy a lot of clothes. It’s pay day this week so they’re cashy. They’re so cashy. Some of the bankers can be snobs. They’re really untidy. They drag up the clothes and they treat us who work there with no respect. Obviously, whatever they mess, we have to tidy up. They leave a drink, we have to pick it up. Had women come and vomit on the floor. Women being on their period and leaving pads on the floor of the changing rooms. We’ve had someone poo on the floor. It’s gross! You’d be surprised. There was one time where the customers actually had a fight and a security guard had to stop it, just over being in the queue. I’m a big girl and I see women who are big put on a size 14 and I can see it’s not going on. I’ve had to cut a woman out of a dress because she couldn’t get out of it. I could have told her it was too tight. It was funny, I was like, ‘What made you put that on …?’

  I like to look nice and I like when women make the effort to look nice. Recently they told me I’ve got to wear sophisticated clothes because I’m in the Ladies Modern Classics department so they want me to dress more lady-type, no jeans and crop tops – which is my favourite! I don’t mind; it’s a challenge to get up every morning and put tights on, which I haven’t done since school. When I wear tighter clothes, it emphasises me and then it’s like, ‘Oh, here we go.’ Well, I’ve got big boobs. And obviously the guys that come in are not going to be like looking at my face, they’re going to be looking at my chest.

  You do get perverts. A lot of men buy women’s skinny jeans because the cut’s different. One guy put a pair on but they were too tight around his crotch and he came out of the changing room: ‘So… how do you think these are?’ And I could see the outline of it – his willy – and I was like, ‘Yeah, you need a bigger size.’ He was like, ‘Do you reckon?’ I was like, ‘Yeah! You do.’ And I just couldn’t look at his face, I was like, I can see your tool. I went red and my manager comes, and I was like, ‘I can’t deal with it, can you go in there and take over, please?’ It was embarrassing. Some men are proud of what they’ve got and they want to be like, ‘I’ve got this, I’ve got that.’ But I don’t come to work for this! Men will come up to me and say, ‘Excuse me, I don’t know what my size is in boxer shorts, can you tell what size I am?’ and they’ll just stand there and expect me to look down. And I’m like ‘Small?’ And they say, ‘I’m not Small, no no no. You mean Extra Large?’ and I’m like, ‘Well, you asked.’ Some of them you can have fun with, you can have a giggle.

  I was with my first two kids’ dad for seven years. When I was nineteen, I was going to Battersea and I ended up in Tooting Broadway, and I said, ‘I’ve got lost,’ and I asked him for directions! Yeah! And he start talking to me and we start talking and then we’s a couple. He’s Jamaican. I’m half-Jamaican. The relationship broke because he’s seven years older than me and he’s acting fourteen years younger than me. He’s got this lazy attitude, he used to just smoke weed and we never used to have any money and when you’ve got two kids and you’re both working and you still can’t make ends meet, what’s the point of being with someone? He was working, but all our money was spent on weed. I was smoking myself and when I got to twenty-four, I was like: this is not life. I stopped smoking and I could feel myself pulling myself right off him: ‘I don’t want to be with you no more because I don’t want this.’

  I just wasn’t happy. Every day I was getting up and I was going through the motions. Sex side was down and he didn’t really notice it and I was thinking, most of his friends were players and they slept around, so he was probably getting it elsewhere which is why he was okay with it. A player is someone who sleeps with other women. Just dates casually. He always says no he wasn’t a player, but I don’t believe it because all of his friends have multiple girlfriends. I wouldn’t say that’s a Jamaican thing; I’d say it’s a black thing. They find it hard to just be with one person. My son’s godfather, one time he had three girlfriends and I knew the three of them. A lot of girls in the West Indian community would accept it. The three women know he has children with all of them because he would have his children all together. I’m just like, ‘Oh no.’ That mentality is completely different to me, because he’s from south London. Because I’ve always lived in Watford, my mum didn’t really go around with a lot of black people.

  I couldn’t bear him to even touch me, I was over the relationship and obviously I felt bad; my sons, they loved their dad, and they want to be with their dad but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t leave until I was twenty-six. But I had my mum and she was supporting me.

  He still smokes now. He don’t give me no money for his kids. He sees them. He’s a good dad. There’s no money, but if they need any support, homework, whatever, he’s there 100 per cent for them. He doesn’t work. He is ill now, he’s got Crohn’s disease. He’s got one other child since. Like, he’s really young, really immature. He’s all right, he’s just happy being a young older guy! Which I didn’t want.

  So I was with the first two’s dad for seven years and we had two kids then we broke up and six months later I met the twins’ dad. I met him through my mum’s husband. He’s African. I was in my African stage. I
quite like African men! I like the accent; oh my God, I like the accent. Sexually, they know exactly what to say to a woman. They just know. They just make you feel – I reckon – really nice. Their mouth is sweet. Like, ‘Hey, beautiful! You look really pretty today.’ I can be really angry and they say something and I think to myself, ‘You idiot’, and I end up smiling and it’s nice. I like the accent. Yeah. I fancied him.

  When I met him sometimes I would bleed continuously for weeks with my period. I was having all these blood tests and they couldn’t find out what was wrong with me. And I thought, I’m not going to be able to have any more children again. I’d got two, which was fine, and then I met him and we must have had sex and then I got pregnant! One of the few times we had sex I got pregnant with the twins. It was two months into the relationship and I was like, ‘Oh my God, oh God, what am I going to do? I’m going to have an abortion.’ And he was, ‘No, keep it, we’re going to have it.’ When I was six weeks I was having cramps because of my problems. We went to the hospital and they gave me a scan and she was like, ‘Oops, there’s one baby and there’s the other one,’ and I was like, ‘Oh my God!’

  He has always owned his own business, a plumber; very career-minded. I think some black people watch what everyone else is doing and believe that they should have everything – or more than the other person – and I wasn’t brought up that way. He wanted his own home. I live on a council estate. He didn’t want to live on a council estate no more; he wanted us to live in a house. He wanted us to live in Exeter, which is a very expensive place to live in. I know nobody there. In Watford I’ve got friends, if I need anyone to pick up the twins I’ve got that. If I move to Exeter it’s for me to start all over again. I’m not going to say it couldn’t have happened, but it would have been a gradual thing. I’d have to leave my work, get a new job. He went to Exeter. I don’t know if he’s single now – I’m not interested in what he’s doing.

  I was with him for ten years. We broke up. It was the worst time of my life. Cos I think for me he was the one. I could have done anything for him, anything he wanted, cut my right hand off, and given it to him. Yep, broke my heart. It was bad. The bigger twin, he’s still got this anger, he says that his dad doesn’t love him. ‘My daddy doesn’t love me.’ He’s dramatic. He still sees his dad.

  When we were together my partner used to always put me down, say I’m fat, I shouldn’t wear black clothes, why have I got to wear false hair in my hair? And I started to go within myself and dress not like me. He didn’t like a low-cut top. I’d be showing my assets – I’ve got big boobs, I’ve got a big bum. I reckon that as a black woman, that’s what we do – we show our assets, what makes us, defines us. He was trying to take that away from me and it was draining. So, since being single I’m wearing what makes me happy.

  My other boyfriends were black. Serious sexual relationships always been with black. Since I’ve broken up with the twins’ dad I’ve slept with two white guys. They’re different. Yes. Oh my God, in sex style, yes. A lot of black guys have this thing, ‘Black men, they don’t go down.’ Some do oral sex but I’ve never been with one, whereas white guys say it’s their speciality; they go down without any question. With black guys, everything that you do is a secret. If he goes down on you, you wouldn’t tell nobody. If you do anal, you wouldn’t tell nobody. It’s a secret. And black men have the biggest willies ever. Which they don’t! They’re not small but they’re not the biggest. There’s no difference. I’m just speaking by my own experiences so I can’t really judge about anybody else.

  My ex – the twins’ dad – was like, ‘Who comes first wins,’ and obviously he used to come first. So! And then I wouldn’t come. After twenty minutes? And there’s no oral? I wouldn’t come. So it’s a bit boring. It was about thrusting as hard as possible. There was no ‘We’re going to make love; we’re going to enjoy it for what it is. We’re going to stop, we’re going to kiss, we’re going to caress, we’re going to touch, we’re going to know each other.’ It’s an intimate act. It doesn’t become intimate when someone’s just ramming you. It isn’t enjoyable for me. So when we broke up it was a relief because we had sex right up until he left. I told myself it was normal. When you love somebody then you kind of accept it, like if your man’s got a small penis, you accept it. So that’s what I done with myself.

  I never used to feel sexually fulfilled. Until my first time with the Mexican guy recently. He works in a hotel. He’s twenty-eight. We’d been speaking for months, I went on the first date, then went on the second date, I thought, maybe he’s not into me, I’m just going to go on this date, maybe we could be good friends because the conversation is fun. And then one thing led to another and I was like ‘… Fuck me: this is actually good’. I’ve never ever, ever had sex like that before. And it kind of shocked me. I didn’t think that a white guy could make me feel sexually fulfilled. He couldn’t come, so it was long, like three hours. An hour and a half, then a break, then another hour and a half. It was like I was going to die of exhaustion. Like, this has never happened to me before!

  Like with orgasm, before if I came it was almost like I was embarrassed, like I’d keep it to myself. I wouldn’t say, ‘I’m coming.’ We was going and I thought, ‘Okay, I’ve already come, la-la-la-la-la,’ and then he came and I could feel it, and I was like, ‘Oh my God!’ Never in my life has that happened. And then the second time we had it he could just feel my body twitching and I was like, ‘I’ve never come like that before!’ It was a shock. I don’t know if it was because it was so long that I hadn’t had sex for. We used condoms so it’s not like it was unprotected sex. There was no alcohol involved, I had a clear head. It was the weirdest thing ever. I had to meet my friend afterwards and I was like, ‘This has happened! It has never happened before!’ She was like, ‘You just got some good sex!’ I was like, ‘Where’s he been all my life?’ And it’s not like his willy was massive, I’d put it at seven inches, which is quite big; average size. So it was good. I’ve had orgasms from penetration before. Yeah, I have, but not like that. It blowed my mind. That’s what it’s done. And even he was like, ‘Uh!’

  When I left, I went to McDonald’s and I quickly had some food. I was like, ‘God, I have to get up tomorrow.’ The next morning I was like, ‘I’m sore!’ I had bruises – I don’t know if I’ve got them still – but I had loads on my arm from where he was gripping my arm. I was all over the place. He was massaging me, he was rubbing my neck. The sex was different, I’ve never had a massage and sex together, from behind.

  I went to a friend, ‘I don’t know where this is going, but it’s doing my head in if I can’t have him in my life. I need this guy in my life, like permanently, that’s how it is now. I don’t ever chase guys and it’s killing me that he still hasn’t contacted me.’ Some of my friends are like, ‘Call him,’ I’m like, ‘Not doing it.’ Even if I can have one more night with him I’ll be happy!

  I never used to have sexual fantasies until one of my work colleagues put it into my head about a threesome. She said, ‘It’s the most best feeling ever as you as the woman are in control.’ Just having two guys all over me. Yeah. That’s what I said to the Mexican guy. He said, ‘Why two men?’ I couldn’t have another woman there because I could be vying for attention and I can’t see myself kissing a woman like that. It would have to be two men. Unless the two men were into each other!

  If you watch a porno you see the woman doing everything; I think, ‘Oh, I’d love that confidence.’ I don’t have that. I don’t have a great sexual history. I’ve not slept with a lot of guys. Probably under ten, so sexually I don’t know stuff, and I feel shy in bed, I don’t really have the confidence. I’m not really into anal at all. I have tried it, it’s very uncomfortable. I suppose it’s something you could get used to if you were having it frequently. Some things I think to myself, ‘Just do it!’ And other stuff I think, ‘No, don’t do it! No!’ My dad used to beat my mum up so I don’t feel like being tied up would be my thing and I’m not
a fan of spanking. I’m not really into pain. I’ve done everything I want to do.

  I love being a woman. Oh my God, I love my boobs, I love that they’re big. I like them, even though some men can be cheesy, like, ‘Can I touch? Can I put my face in?’ Yeah! On a Friday night in town: ‘Please! Can I touch?’ I say, ‘You’ve had too much to drink, go away.’ I just find it funny. I’m like, ‘I see you’ve got a ring on your finger, go to your wife and ask your wife. Do that to your wife.’ I like my legs – they’re long. I like their shape. I like my bum, obviously. I’ve got a bum that sticks out; it’s quite shapely. And men like it. Every man likes it: white, black, Asian. Managers. Girls at work touch it, slap it, pinch it! If I’m walking in they’re like, ‘Sigourney!’ Pinch. They pinch it. I’m like, ‘Oh my God!’ It’s nice.

  I love the fact my body’s changed after having four children. My belly, my stretch marks – I love them. My children, they made my body what it is, from a young woman to what it is now. I look at my kids, I think, ‘They done this to my body, but look at them, they’re mine, I made them.’ Then my breasts. I breastfed them, that’s my intimate bond between me and my children. Yeah, so I like being a woman, I wouldn’t change it, apart from childbirth! But everyone would probably say that. I just enjoy being a girl.