by Alicia Best
“In all my years with Sarah, I never felt anything like this. I never knew that this could exist.” He pauses, pressing his forehead to mine, our noses brushing. I can feel his breath on my lips, and his eyes are locked on mine.
“Thank you, Holly. You’ve opened my eyes to life again. I will never forget Sarah, but I realize now that I have been honoring her wrongly. I’ve put her up on this pedestal where she isn’t a real woman, she’s some fictitious ideal. She would never want me to shut myself away, hiding inside her library like a hermit. For Sarah, I’m going to live. I’m going to seize every day. I’m going to love.”
“Everett…” I begin, but his fingers drift over my chin, tipping my face up slightly so that his velvet lips can sink against my own. His name dies on my tongue, his fingers sweeping over the curve of my face.
Even though he seems so sure that he is ready to move on to something new, I can’t help the slight hesitation that I feel.
It’s just that there’s something I sense he’s not told me.
Chapter 14
Everett
“I haven’t been to this restaurant in years.” I pause to let my eyes look at my dinner partner, and I can’t believe my good fortune.
She’s all dressed up, wearing a red silk dress she carries off perfectly, her nude pumps clicking gently on the sidewalk. I’d tried to talk her into bringing a sweater or a jacket, but she’d insisted that a dress like the one she was wearing now was worn too infrequently to cover up. I can tell she’s cold though, goosebumps prickling down her slender arms.
After our time in her classroom, I’d asked her if she would allow me to take her on a date to an old restaurant that I’d loved on the other side of town. It’s a nice place with red velvet chairs, a harpist playing classical melodies, and a tiramisu to die for. I couldn’t remember the last time I went to a restaurant instead of grabbing fast food on my way back to my apartment.
Her head tilts over to the side a little so her bright blue eyes can meet mine. When she catches me checking her out, a wolfish grin tugs at her pink-glossed lips.
“You haven’t been out in years,” she corrects with a smirk.
I stop abruptly, grabbing her hand and pulling her against me. She sinks against my chest with a slight gasp as my arms loop around her body. I can still taste her lips on my own, my heart racing at the memory.
This is so new to me. Just a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine standing on the side of the street with a woman in my arms. I would’ve worried about who might have seen me and what they would have thought. I would’ve worried that I was disrespecting Sarah.
But it has been almost six years now, and I have finally realized how important it is to Sarah’s memory for me to move on.
“We don’t have to rush this,” Holly says quietly, her eyes slowly closing as my fingers follow the gentle ridge of her spine.
She shivers, and I’m not sure if it’s the chill of the air or the simmering heat between us.
“I’ve waited a long time to feel this.” I hesitate for a moment. “You know, actually, I’ve waited my whole life to feel this.”
With a smile, she slowly leans up on the tips of her toes, pressing her warm mouth against my cheek. I hug her once more, rubbing her arms to warm her up a little, before I take her hand in my mine.
“Come on, it’s right around the…” My words fall flat, my hand dropping from hers.
She stares at me in confusion, then at the pair of people walking towards us.
“Spencer!” she whispers. “And… the old lady I saw in the coffee shop?”
My head is spinning, and I have to focus to stay on the sidewalk. I almost feel I could stumble right off the curb.
The pair, who hadn’t noticed us until we stood face to face on the sidewalk, also come to a sudden stop.
“Patty?” I choke out in surprise, startled at the rare sight of the woman who I was so close to for so many years. I’m so shocked to see her that I can’t even process Spencer standing at her side. “How are you?”
“I’m doing well, Everett,” she replies, her eyes flickering towards the woman by my side.
“Hi,” Holly interrupts, working up a smile as she takes a small step towards Sarah’s mother and sticks out her hand. “I’m Holly Burke. I’m Everett’s friend.”
“I’m Patty Hall. Sarah’s mother,” she says simply, swallowing and glancing up at Spencer, whose face has gone predictably stormy.
I can see the tension in his clenched fists, like he’s contemplating a sidewalk confrontation.
“I thought you were leaving town, Everett,” he mutters. “Now that I’ve shut down the library. Isn’t that what we agreed?”
Patty grimaces, staring down at her feet, and Holly jumps slightly in surprise.
“What? It’s closed? Officially?”
Spencer laughs, sneering at Holly in a way that makes me step between them. I won’t have him looking at her like that.
“Shady Piers is my home, Spencer. It’s where I met Sarah, it’s where I met Holly, and it’s where I’m going to stay.”
“We’ll see about that,” he sneers, but Patty gives a sigh that quiets even the impetuous mayor.
“The anniversary of our loss is coming up. Can’t you boys put this matter aside for now?”
“Of course, Patty,” I answer hurriedly, though Spencer says nothing at all, his furious brown eyes staying locked on me. “I’m sorry.”
The woman’s eyes stay averted, locked on her shoes. I’m not sure how I expected her to react in the circumstances, but we had once been very close. How can she now act like I’m a stranger she begrudgingly has to tolerate? There’d been a time when we treated one another as family.
Despair starts to churn in my gut, tugging at wounds that I had only just begun to move past when Holly’s palm suddenly rests on the small of my back. That gentle brush of her hand is a reminder of what she sees in me.
“How could you?” I suddenly say, startling even myself.
All of the sadness that I’d been carting around for so long, all of the loneliness, all of the guilt floods to my tongue, eager to finally be released.
I had never been the type to say what I needed to say, to say how I felt, but I am finally ready to change. I’m not going to back down anymore. I’m not going to wallow. I’m ready to let it all go—not out of anger or malice, but so that I can truly move on.
Patty’s eyes widen, and she looks back at me in surprise.
I pause to let her speak, but she doesn’t.
“You cut me off when I needed you most, Patty. For seven years you treated me as your own son. You treated me like a member of your family. I loved you and your husband more than I ever loved my own parents, but the second Sarah was lost to us, you placed all your blame on me. I was more alone at that point than I ever had been before.”
“Everett,” she begins hurriedly, but her tone isn’t angry, it’s pained. “It’s not… it’s not so simple. It wasn’t that I blamed you—”
“You knew about the baby.”
My eyes close, my heart throbbing. “You knew she was pregnant, and you never told me. I had to find out myself from reading her diary. When I saw in there that she told you… I don't understand. Why wouldn’t you tell me that? Why wouldn't she tell me?”
Patty suddenly goes stiff and still, her hands flying to her cheeks. “You found out?” she whispers hoarsely. “You weren’t supposed to; no one was!”
Suddenly there’s a guttural sound from Spencer. The fury and rage is suddenly wiped off the mayor’s face, replaced by a stunned stare of disbelief. He falters for a moment, one limp hand pressing against the brick wall of the restaurant while the other wraps around his waist like he is fighting dizziness.
“She… Sarah was pregnant?” he wheezes, staring at Patty in distressed astonishment.
“She never told me.”
Chapter 15
Holly
I can’t do anything but stare at the thre
e people around me. Tears streak silently down Patty’s cheeks, making her look older than normal. Spencer glowers, rage building up in him like a volcano. Surprisingly, Everett is silent and steady.
Spencer grabs at Patty in disbelief, and, as she cries out, I lunge forward, grabbing at the mayor’s elbow and yanking him off her. Everett steps in instantly, separating us as Spencer whirls on me, the mayor’s angry eyes narrowing resentfully.
The woman moves towards Everett, biting her lip. “That’s why I kept away. I never wanted you to find out. I’ve never thought any of this was your fault, Everett; I just felt so terrible for keeping that secret from you. That’s why I had to push you away.”
Everett suddenly seems to remember himself and the journey he’s taken these last few days. Visibly, he relaxes and reaches out, taking the woman’s trembling hand in his. He squeezes it softly and then gives her a warm, but very small and weary smile.
“If I had been willing to see the truth, you never would’ve needed to tell me. I would’ve known for myself. Sarah and I would have shared it together. No one pulled the wool over my eyes but myself. I was trying to protect myself from further pain by living in denial. I didn’t realize back then that it would only hurt me more.”
Patty gulps, shaking her head and burying it in her hands. “Sarah loved you, Everett. She really, truly did in her own way.”
“We were young.” Everett cuts her off, shaking his head and patting her shoulder. “We both made mistakes. I wasn’t the husband I could’ve been. I could be cold. I could be distant. I didn’t listen enough. It’s no surprise she turned away. I see that now.”
Everett’s eyes suddenly shift towards me, the dark depths glowing like embers. “I was too young to understand what love could be, what it was supposed to feel like.”
My throat tightens, my heart rocketing against my ribs. My whole soul aches for Patty. Even though I’ve never experienced the loss that Everett or Sarah’s mother has, I know that they both have struggled so intensely with guilt over the things that they could’ve done differently.
The unfairness of it all is excruciating. Even Spencer has had his own demons to fight. His and Sarah’s relationship was only beginning when it was snuffed out.
Spencer lurches abruptly, his face not nearly as understanding or soft as Sarah’s mother or Everett’s.
He shoves at Everett’s massive shoulder, pushing him back from Patty. “You stay away from Sarah’s family! You have no right to be around them. This is your fault—”
Everett’s gaze remains calm, though he squares his shoulders and narrows his eyes at the slender man.
“It’s not my fault any more than it’s your fault, Spencer,” he says quietly, lips forming a hard line that gives Spencer no room for arguing. “You’re just blinded by your grief. I know that feeling. It’s hard to process anything else—”
“Don’t mock me!” Spencer shouts, refusing to listen to Everett as he shoves closer to the librarian, one of the mayor’s fingers grinding deliberately into Everett’s muscled chest. “I hate you, Everett Sullivan. I loved Sarah since we were kids, and you stole her from me.”
“She wasn’t something to be stolen!” Patty interrupts, the trail of tears on her cheeks sticky with mascara. “She made her own choices, Spencer!”
Everett’s jaw clenches, one vein throbbing in his temple. His dark eyes are like a stormy night, swirling with a mire of emotion. Even though Spencer hurls insults, Everett doesn’t so much as blink.
But I am not as patient as the man by my side, and I am not as willing to sit back and let Spencer idly spin his wheels in rage. He can’t just take out his grief and anger on anyone he wants to. It isn’t right, and it isn’t fair to Sarah to be so vengeful in her memory.
I leap between them, pressing my hands against Spencer’s abdomen to put some distance between the two glowering men.
“You’re a fool, Spencer,” I whisper. “You’ve tormented a grieving widower just because you’re too immature to have a real conversation or to deal with your own emotions. You’ve shown nothing but hate and spite. You’re not fit to be mayor here, and I’m going to make sure that everyone knows it.”
Spencer leans towards me so that his icy brown eyes meet mine. Fear prickles in my stomach, but I set my jaw and glare right back at him. I refuse to be cowed, not by someone who has shown such coldness. Even though Spencer has been in just as much pain as Patty and Everett, he is also the only one who has lashed out so deliberately by chipping away at the things that Everett holds dear and trying to force Everett to leave town.
“You have made the wrong enemy, little girl,” he snarls, his voice so quiet I almost can’t hear it.
“Get away from Holly,” Everett interrupts, wrapping one arm around my shoulders, drawing me protectively against his body. “It’s you who’s caused nothing but pain here. Instead of sharing that pain with anyone that could’ve helped you, you’ve let it fester. You’ve let it turn your heart and soul into something hideous.”
Spencer straightens, taking one step back, his face contorted with anger, and storms away.
“You both don’t even know what you’ve started.”
Chapter 16
Everett
“Spencer is not a bad man,” Patty croaks pleadingly, dabbing at her eyes and choking over her words. “He’s just been brooding over this for so long. I don’t think he knows how to deal with his emotions. He’s wounded, like an animal, and he doesn’t know what to do with his pain.”
I can only nod.
For so long, I was just like Spencer, and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t realize how much more suffering I suffocated myself with just by refusing to move on with my life and accept that Sarah was gone. Instead, I built up our relationship to fantasy heights. I’d glossed over our lack of connection and our lack of desire to really know one another. I had turned my marriage into something it never was, even in its prime. There was love between Sarah and me, and there always would be; not even death could change that. But the love that we shared was not one that should have ever become a marriage. We were just too young at the time to accept our own shortcomings.
Sarah’s death was unfair, and she was taken too soon, but it was no one’s fault. Her burial hadn’t turned her into some flawless human being. She was imperfect, and beautifully so, and she should be remembered for that. Her mistakes didn’t lessen her compassion or her giving heart, it only made her more human.
While Spencer could have realized all of that, instead, he let his loss fuel his rage. In the end, it didn’t matter that I had no hand in Sarah’s passing; all that mattered is that I was someone he could focus his blind and overwhelming fury on.
I pitied him for that.
“He thinks he’s the only one suffering,” Holly offers quietly, digging through her purse to retrieve a soft, white tissue for the crying mother, “when clearly, he’s too selfish to realize that others are grieving just like him.”
Again, I can feel my chin quiver. “When you’re grieving, time moves differently. Almost six years can seem so short and so long all at once. Like time is standing painfully still. Except you see everyone else moving and growing and changing, but you can’t; you’re stuck. Like a statue.”
Patty’s gaze again swivels to Holly, who is clearly biting her tongue. It’s evident by the strained expression on Holly’s face that she is struggling with how tolerant Patty and I are being of Spencer’s behavior and threats. I respect her for trying so hard to see our point of view. I know reticence doesn’t come easily to the fiery woman.
“I just don’t think it’s right,” Holly finally whispers tersely. “How he’s treated either of you. How cruel he’s been.”
“It’s so funny,” Patty murmurs, crumpling the tear-damp tissue in one of her hands while the other brushes slightly across Holly’s smooth cheek. “You remind me of Sarah. I see a little glimpse of my daughter in you.”
“I know what you mean.” A smile flickers about my mouth as
I shake my head.
Holly glances at me, then at Patty, the strained anger in her face melting into confusion. “What are you two talking about? I look nothing like her. She had those sweet dimples and those beautiful hazel eyes.”
“It’s not the looks, dear.” Patty chuckles, and though tears are still welling in her eyes, they don’t spill down her face any longer. “It’s in the eyes, or behind them, I should say. There’s a glow there, one that I’ve only ever seen before in my daughter. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me happy that there is someone else who looks at the world the same way she did.”
The older woman’s face is soft, and her fingers rest against Holly’s cheek, like she’s communicating with Sarah through the teacher’s bright blue eyes. Holly stands still, letting Patty have her time.
“I know what it is,” I say quietly, slipping one arm around Holly’s shoulder.
She gazes up at me, head tilting in curiosity. Patty’s face remains warm as she observes us, her hand finally drawing back to press against her heart.
“Even though Holly and Sarah are so different in personality, they both have a strong desire to care for and protect. Sarah had so many plans for community outreach through the library. She had so many things she wanted to do to help people. Holly is the same. That’s why you make such a good teacher,” I add with a wink.
Patty sighs, shaking her head. “I’m so happy that you’ve found each other, Everett. You’ve been through so much…” She pauses, drawing in a breath, and I release Holly to take Patty into my arms.
My former mother-in-law clings to me, trembling, and hugs me as tightly as she can until finally, we break apart.