“What we really need to work on is keeping the scar tissue supple so that it doesn't tear when he moves. Since there are places on his arm and back that are still healing, we have to take things slow,” Kipp explained. “We also have some ointment that goes onto the skin after bathing to help keep moisture in.”
Shit. I closed my eyes for a moment. I hadn't even thought about that. Kipp was usually the one who helped me with the spots I couldn't reach. The thought of Nori's hands on me...
I swallowed hard and willed my body not to betray me. The last thing she needed to know was how much she turned me on, how much I wanted her. If she stayed, I wouldn't be able to hide it, not for long. Shame mingled with anger. I couldn't let her know. While it was hard enough for me to know that she only saw me as a patient, the humiliation of having her know that I was attracted to her...
I wasn't sure which was worse: thinking that she'd be disgusted, or that she'd pity me even more.
My only hope was to push her away. If I could get her to leave, then maybe Father O'Toole would take the hint and leave me alone. Even if he didn't, at least the next person he hired wouldn't be her.
“Were you born in Texas?”
Kipp's question caught my attention as I began to twist my body to stretch my back. I'd never even thought to ask Nori about that.
She nodded. “Born and raised.”
He grinned. “Got a bit of an accent there.”
She scowled, but her eyes sparkled, so I knew she wasn't serious. “Y'all are the ones who have accents.”
Kipp laughed, and then so did she. My heart clenched at the sound. I wanted to make her laugh like that. I knew I'd never be able to though. I'd never been the happiest person to begin with, and the accident had stripped away whatever happiness was left. I'd only make her upset and miserable.
She deserved so much better than that. Kipp could make her laugh and could be all of the things I'd never be again. I should want that for her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could never have her, but I knew I didn't want anyone else to either.
And that was how things would be for me from now on, I realized. Even if I did find someone I cared about after Nori left, I'd never act on it, because no matter who she was, I'd never be enough for her.
This was my life, living here, in this house, having food delivered, never stepping outside. Father O'Toole as the occasional visitor. Maybe a housekeeper if I felt like keeping things somewhat presentable. But I'd never have a family of my own. Never have the chance to fix my mistakes. It'd just be me. Here. Alone.
The darkness that Nori had managed to push back came forward with a vengeance, wrapping its arms around me and pulling me under.
I didn't bother trying to fight it.
What was the point?
Chapter Twelve
Nori
X's physical therapist, Kipp, knew what he was doing. He was also quite the flirt. I couldn't deny how flattering it was to have someone as intelligent and good-looking as him clearly attracted to me. What I liked the most was the fact that he didn't even try to hide it. He let me see in his eyes that he wanted me, and his questions were sincere, meaning he wasn't only after sex.
But I hadn't come out here to get into another romantic relationship. It'd only been a couple weeks since Tanner and I called it quits, and I'd been immersed in his world for so long that I didn't know how ready I was to date normally. While Kipp might've been hiding a few kinks, I didn't get the same Dom vibe from him that Tanner gave off. Kipp seemed like the sort of guy who was as fun in bed as he was out of it. I was all for sex being more than some serious, intense thing every single time, and maybe I needed a bit of that light-heartedness, but I just wasn't feeling it. I liked talking to him, but there was no spark between us.
We chatted the entire time he was stretching X out, pausing only to give him instructions on what to do next. At first, I'd wanted to include X in the conversation, but one look at the expression on his face told me not to even bother asking. He wouldn't even look at me.
I reminded myself of my conversation with Tanner, and the reason I was here. It didn't matter if X wanted to talk to me or if he hated me. I wasn't here to be his friend or anything else. I was here to make sure nothing else bad happened to him. I just had to remember that fact, and I could live with the rest.
“I'll be in Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at ten,” Kipp said as we walked toward the door. “X is supposed to do the stretches on the days I don't come in, but not any of the exercises.”
I nodded. Father O'Toole had explained this as one of his reasons for needing someone to live in the house to keep an eye on X. Not surprisingly, he had a tendency to spend most of his time lying in bed.
“I'm worried that he'll end up needing more skin grafts on that arm,” Kipp said, his expression serious for the first time all morning. “And I'm no shrink, but I don't think he'd take the news of another surgery very well.”
“I don't either,” I quietly agreed.
Kipp opened his mouth to say something, closed it, glanced at X, and then back to me. “I've worked on a lot of soldiers, and I know you have too. The ones who make it are the ones who feel like they have something to live for. The ones who can't find it...” His voice trailed off.
“I know.” A sharp pain went through my chest. “I know what happens to them.”
He gave me a searching look but thankfully didn't press the matter. That part of my life wasn't something I talked about very freely. It hurt too much.
“If you need anything, my number's by the computer.” The easy smile was back on Kipp's face, but it didn't quite go all the way to his eyes. “Even if it's just to talk.”
I thanked him, and I did appreciate the gesture, but I know I probably wouldn't be using it. Definitely not just to talk. If I needed to debrief again, I'd call Tanner, and I’d only do that if absolutely necessary. Kipp called out a goodbye to X, who didn't answer, and then headed for the stairs, leaving me alone with my surly patient.
I took a slow breath and then turned. He was stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He didn't move as I walked back to him.
“Let me help you get those off and then you can go shower.” I spoke in the same brisk, professional voice I'd used for years at the hospital.
I started to reach for him, but he jerked away, rolling up into a sitting position, then off the bed and onto his feet. He glared at me as he turned so we were facing each other, the bed between us.
“I can do it myself.” His eyes were cold. “I don't need a fucking babysitter.”
That hadn't taken long.
“I don't care who you are,” I said firmly. “No one can reach that spot on their own back, so you, at least, need me to help you with that one.”
His cheeks flamed. “It's almost healed. No need for a nurse.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I'm not just here as your nurse.”
“Oh, I know.” His tone was bitter. “You're supposed to watch me. Make sure I don't do anything stupid.”
I put my hands flat on the bed so he couldn't see them tremble. I wouldn’t lie to him. “That's right. Father O'Toole is worried about you.”
X pushed away from the bed and ran his good hand through his hair. I liked the longer style better than the buzz cut he'd had when I'd first seen him.
“He doesn't need to be.” X walked over to the window, but I got the impression that he wasn't really seeing anything. “I wouldn't do that to him.”
I suddenly felt nauseous. “What do you mean?”
X cut me a sideways glance, then returned to staring through the glass. “I met Father O'Toole when I was eighteen. He saved my life.” He paused for a moment and I wondered if he was remembering the circumstances under which that had happened. “The father's faith is important to him, but I never believed.”
I had a feeling I knew where he was going with this, and I didn't like it.
He continued, “It'd hurt him if I...” He let the sentence hang into
the silence. “So you don't have to worry about sticking around. You can tell Father O'Toole that I'm not a danger to myself.”
I took a step toward him. “And if he wasn't around?”
X was quiet for so long that I thought he’d just stand there and not answer, basically waiting for me to get annoyed enough to walk away. I was a patient person, but he didn't put that to the test.
“If he wasn't here, I wouldn't be either,” he said simply.
I swallowed hard, my heart twisting painfully. The priest had been right.
“You have people–”
He cut me off. “My family's dead, Nori. My only friends are all from a military I'm not a part of anymore. There's no point.”
“There is a point!” Something inside me snapped and I crossed over to him. I didn't care about those lines that were supposed to be between us. All I cared about was making him see that he had to live.
“No offense, Nori, but you don't know shit.”
“I don't know shit?!” I shoved him and he took a step back, eyes wide.
At least I'd gotten some reaction out of him. That told me there was hope. He wasn't completely lost. But I’d never get through to him if I played nice, I realized. He had people show him compassion. He had people who cared for him. It hadn't done any good. He needed some sense smacked into him. Figuratively, at least.
So I took a slow breath and told him.
“When I was a teenager, my older brother, Logan, enlisted in the army.” I forced myself to keep looking at him. “Within four months he was back...and missing the bottom half of his right leg.”
X's jaw clenched, but other than that, he showed no reaction.
“I adored my big brother,” I continued. “And I was so proud of him for serving his country, for being one of those who wanted to protect the people he cared about. But when he came home, he wasn't that boy anymore. It was like something inside him had been lost along with his leg.”
His eyes narrowed, and I knew he was getting ready to argue or cuss me out or something like that.
“He'd been home for eight months when I came home early from school. I wasn't feeling good, so I signed myself out. When I got home, I went to Logan's room to tell him I was back.” My hands curled into fists, nails digging into my palms.
“Nori–”
“He hung himself,” I said flatly. “He was in so much pain, and he felt like there wasn't anyone he could turn to, so he killed himself. And I found him.”
X raised his hand like he was going to touch me, then dropped it. A look of frustration crossed his face. “I'm sorry you went through that, Nori, but it won’t be like that for me. I don't have a family. No one but the father cares about me.”
I wanted to tell him that he had me, but I didn't yet know what that meant to me, let alone what it would mean to him. “You don't know what the future holds. You could still have a family.”
His smile was so cynical that I almost winced.
“Come on, Nori. We both know better than that.” He gestured to the left side of his body.
For the first time, I realized how the burns had twisted and distorted what had probably once been beautiful tattoos. He was like that inside too, I thought. Beautiful and damaged.
“I guess it's only fair I look like this now,” he said as he turned away. “I've always been more of a monster than a man.”
“You're not,” I immediately protested. “You're not a monster.”
He flinched and I wondered what I'd said to get that reaction. I was tempted to ask, but I didn't. It wasn't important right now.
“I'm not a man either.” His voice was so quiet that I almost missed it. “I lost everything all at once. Everything spun out of control the moment I went into that warehouse, and I have no way to get it back. And the one thing I should be able to control – my death – I can't either. Not without hurting the only person I have left.”
I wanted to help him, but I didn't know how. How was I supposed to make someone who wanted to die, want to live? I couldn't give him back his family...
And then it hit me.
A very, very, VERY bad idea.
The worst idea I could possibly have ever had in the history of bad ideas. More foolish than moving out here. Dumber than anything I'd ever done. Walking the ethical line, even if I wasn't really his nurse.
But it was the only thing I could think of that might possibly save him.
“I have an idea about how to give you back some of that control you've lost.”
His head jerked around, his eyes meeting mine.
Heat flooded my face, but it was too late to back out now.
“This is going to sound crazy, but just hear me out.”
And then I told him my very bad idea.
Continues in Dom X Vol. 3
Dom X - Volume Three
Dom X
Chapter One
Xavier
This is going to sound crazy, but just hear me out.
I considered telling Nori that nothing she could say to me would sound as crazy as the thoughts that had plagued me since the accident, but I didn't. Something about her expression, about her certainty that whatever she was thinking could help me get some control back in my life, kept me silent. That and how I knew she'd be upset if she learned exactly how dark my thoughts had gotten.
There was also the fact that her face was slowly turning bright red.
I assumed that someone in the medical profession wouldn't get embarrassed about much, so whatever was on her mind must be extremely interesting. For the first time in a long time, my curiosity was piqued. Whatever she was about to say would most likely have the possibility of distracting me, for a while at least. Since I meant what I said about not ending things because of Father O'Toole, distractions were welcome.
“This isn't exactly...ethical,” she began, her teal eyes sliding right past mine to fix somewhere over my shoulder. “But since I'm not exactly your nurse either...”
Now I was really interested.
Her expression hardened, like she'd made some sort of decision. Her gaze came back and fixed with mine. Blood rushed south. Shit. One look from her and I was harder than I’d been in months. What the hell was wrong with me?
“Have you had sex this week?”
I stared, thinking I must've misheard her. There was no way she'd just asked if I'd had sex recently.
Her face was still red, but that stubborn look on her face told me she wasn't going to let me get away with not answering.
“I know you didn't have sex when you were in the hospital.” She gave me a grin. “Unless you were hooking up with Nurse Appleton.”
The joke surprised a smile out of me. Probably my first real, genuine smile in who knew how long. “Tempting, but no hooking up with Nurse Appleton.”
Especially considering the nurse in question was probably sixty and looked like Lester Hamish, a cross-eyed drunk from Father O'Toole's old parish.
“And unless Father O'Toole was mistaken about you over this past week, you haven't left the house,” she continued. “So no sex then.”
“No.” My good mood vanished. “Not that it's any of your business.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Want to give me a minute to explain before you bite my head off?”
“Go for it,” I snapped. “Not sure how me not getting laid ever again will ever be your business, but go ahead.”
“Why won't you ever get laid again?” she asked, then her voice softened. “Because you're a monster?”
I couldn't stop myself from flinching, and I couldn't stop the wave of self-loathing that went through me.
“You said you feel like you don't have control over anything.” Her voice softened even more, but there was no pity in it. “Do you want it back? Do you want to feel like a man again?”
I swallowed hard and had to look away. Hearing her say those things...
“Shit,” she muttered. “I don't really know how to say this without just coming out and saying it.�
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“Spit it out, Nori.” I turned away from her. “Just fucking say it and get out.”
For a moment, I thought I'd managed to push her away, to get her mad enough that she'd go back to Texas and her boyfriend. Then she started talking again.
“My ex-boyfriend and I were part of a...lifestyle where control was important.”
Ex-boyfriend? Ex? I was so caught on that first word that I almost missed the second word I should've been paying attention to.
Lifestyle.
What the hell was she talking about?
“When I first met Tanner, he saw something in me.”
I didn't turn to face her, but I was no longer lost in my own head. I was listening, probably harder than I'd listened to anyone lately.
“He saw a part of me that I hadn't allowed myself to see,” she continued. “And after we'd been dating for only a few weeks, he told me something about himself that he felt I needed to know if we wanted to be in a relationship. He told me that he was a Dom.”
There was a moment of heavy silence as she waited for my brain to catch up. She wasn't the only one. My mind was refusing to process what I knew she was saying.
Lifestyle.
Dom.
In a post-50 Shades world, even most housewives knew what those two words meant.
“Yes,” she answered my unasked question. “Tanner introduced me to the real world of BDSM. He showed me what it meant to be a Dominant, and how I was a natural Submissive.”
Nori? Submissive?
Somehow, that wasn't a word that fit the woman behind me.
“It's not what most people think,” she continued. “Probably not what you're thinking.”
“You don't know what I'm thinking.” Hell, I didn't know what I was thinking.
Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance Page 14