by Beth Michele
I DON’T KNOW what happens to me around Vance Davenport. But I’m starting not to question it anymore. This jittery quivering inside my chest, caught between nervous and excited, doesn’t feel bad to me. And truth be told, he really is easy on the eyes. Especially the curve of his overconfident grin. It gets me every time.
I’m busy staring at his lips, the ones that form that irresistible smile when I vaguely hear his words.
“We’re here.”
I peel my eyes from his mouth to glance out the window. All I can see is a gathering of tall green trees but nothing beyond. As we climb out of the car, I summon a deep breath. “I smell trees… and water.”
“Come on. This way.” He reaches out to twine his fingers with mine. My gaze drops to our joined hands as I follow behind him, trying not to give my smile away. Butterflies dance in my belly and even break out into song. I know I’m being foolish because it doesn’t mean anything. And for someone who always tells the truth, I’m pretty darn good at lying to myself. Because in this moment—it means everything to me. I only hope it means something to him.
We work our way past the opening of trees, stepping over small stones and large rocks until a river comes into full view. The sun casts a bright beam against the mossy green water, and that, coupled with the sound of a rushing waterfall, makes me lose my breath. Suddenly Zack is all around me, and it’s overwhelming in a way that’s hard to describe. My chest feels heavy, yet light at the same time. Tears well in my eyes but refuse to fall. Somehow as I take in the beauty that surrounds us, it brings me an overall sense of peace. I can see it in Vance, too. The way his shoulders relax, his profile softens. He lets go of my hand and I inwardly sigh at the loss of contact.
“This is my favorite place,” he admits, one hand on his waist as he gazes up at the sky. “My mother used to bring me and Julian here. This is where she taught us how to skim rocks. Of course,” he lets out a breathy laugh, “Julian sucked at it. It’s always been one of the things I was better at than him.” Vance points to a nearby segment of rock and we sit down, stretching our legs out on the sun-warmed stone. “I remember this one time,” he looks over at me, “I think we were maybe ten or so—” Vance stops mid-sentence, his gaze hard and heavy on my face. “What is it? What’s going on in your head?” I want to answer, but I don’t want to spoil this for him. “Out with it, Mickey.”
Arms crossed over his chest and expectant stare unwavering, he waits for my words to come. I think I need to say them. “That sculpture.” I pause to gather a breath. “The one of the hands that you commented on… it’s from a recurring dream that I have. The one where I’m reaching out to Zack, where he latches onto my hand and I save him.” I blow out my resolve, and along with it, the truth. “He drowned while he was on a white water rafting trip in Colorado,” I admit quietly. Vance gasps, but I keep my focus trained on a piece of grass sticking up between two rocks. “My mom didn’t want him to go. She told him it was too dangerous and you know what he said?” I continue as if Vance isn’t here, as if I’m talking to myself. Words I’ve replayed over and over in my head for two years. “He said, ‘Mom, I’m a daredevil. I’ve got a zillion lives.’ And that was it. That was one of the last things he ever said to us.” I wrap my arms around myself to stave off the sudden emptiness from missing him. “I didn’t think twice about it, because it was Zack. And that’s just what he did.” My eyes travel back to his. “And he always came home… except that day he didn’t.”
Vance lifts a hand to his forehead, rubbing two fingers against his temple. “Jesus, Ember. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. If I had, I wouldn’t have taken you here and—”
“No.” The last thing I want is for him to feel bad about bringing me here. Especially since he’s sharing a part of himself. Head held high, I give him the biggest smile I can muster. The expression catches me unaware. The tingle in my cheeks unexpected as I realize this is not only for his benefit, but coming from a deeper spot in my heart—a place of comfort, not grief. Then my lips spread wide because in some bizarre way this all makes sense to me. Like fitting the final piece into a puzzle. “I’m really glad you brought me here, and I love that this is your favorite place. It’s perfect and beautiful, and I want to hear more.”
“Are you sure?” he asks, still studying me to make certain I’m okay.
“Yes, I am. Promise.” I nudge his foot with my sneaker. “Now finish your story.”
He stares at his black Chucks touching my red ones and his mouth relaxes into a smile. “Okay, but no laughing,” he orders, and I show him my most serious face. “So I think… we were about ten. Anyway, we came down here with Mom to go swimming.” He glances out at the water. “Julian decided he thought it would be funny to put a frog down my shorts and I think I freaked out a bit.” He turns to me. “Well,” he admits without reservation. “Maybe more than a bit.”
“I bet you were cute,” I tell him, recalling the pictures on the wall of his room.
He glides a palm over his knee. “I ran out of the water like my fucking shorts were on fire. Plus, I had braces and an early onset of acne so I’d say there was nothing cute about me.”
I stare at his face and find that difficult to believe. His eyes probably drew girls in like bees to honey. “I got teased by Martin Fanning in the sixth grade hallway. He used to say, ‘How about a little fire, Ember?’”
“That’s original.” Vance snorts, shooting me a sympathetic grin.
Heat rushes to my cheeks. “Yeah, it’s funny how simple it was though. Troy confronted him in gym and said, ‘Really dude, that’s getting old.’ Then he just stopped. And I remember wondering, how come I didn’t think of that?” Vance gives my foot a playful shove as a comfortable quiet settles between us. Nearby, the sound of birds catches my attention. I close my eyes and lean back against my hands, letting the sun warm my face. “Listen. I think those are Finch. God, it’s like a little slice of heaven all tucked away back here.” My skin burns, no longer from the sun but from Vance’s steady gaze.
“You see everything, don’t you?”
I swing my head in his direction, squinting against the bright rays. “Don’t you?”
“No.” His gaze moves past me toward a steep wall of rock. “I look at things, but I haven’t really seen anything for a very long time.” I open my eyes fully and his focus is back on me, serious and unrelenting. “Until you,” he admits, and my mouth separates but I struggle to form words. I must have heard him wrong. Not that you would know it from my wild heartbeat. “It’s impossible not to see you.” He laughs, but the sound is strained. “And believe me, I’ve tried.” His fingers crawl over to mine, almost touching. “You embrace life, Ember. Shit, you are life… and I’ve been avoiding it for so long.”
A tear gathers in the corner of my eye, sneaking out and dropping down my cheek. I’m not usually at a loss for words, but all of a sudden my mouth is dry and a nervous tickle resides in my throat—because I want this, whatever this is—I want him.
Another tear escapes and he reaches over to brush it away. “Is it because I’m badass?” My voice sounds strange, trying to use humor to calm my racing heart. It’s not working.
“Yeah,” a grin stretches his mouth, “that’s definitely it.” He scoots over, sitting in front of me with his long legs crossed. That soap he uses floats in the surrounding air making it impossible to think straight. I watch his hand move closer, then closer still, until his fingertip begins tracing the curve of mine. A slight touch, but it has my pulse unable to slow down. He raises his other hand to cup my cheek and my eyelids flutter closed to the tenderness of it, his thumb trailing back and forth over my skin. Goose bumps dance along my neck as my eyes flicker open to his gaze, fixated on my mouth. Just when I think I might get to feel the press of his lips against mine, he grabs my hand and yanks me up off the ground. “Let’s go in the water.”
“Ooookay.” I exhale a nervous laugh, trying to hide my disappointment as I lean down to remove my Chucks.
Vance toes off his sneakers and rolls the cuffs of his jeans. He glares up at me with a straight face. “Clothes or no clothes?”
“Uh…,” I stammer, like a deer caught in headlights.
“Kidding.” He lets go of a smile and a chuckle. “Unless you want to.”
“You have to kiss me before you can see me with my clothes off,” I retort, my annoyance over a missed opportunity shining through. As the reality of how that sounded washes over me, the need to detract from it is overwhelming. However, one glance at the shock overtaking Vance’s features makes me change my mind—and glad I said it.
“Duly noted.” He smirks. “Now give me your hand.”
I slide my palm into his and he folds his fingers around mine. Tiny hairs on my arm tingle and a quiet flush moves across my cheek.
“Holy shit.” Vance flinches. “It’s freaking cold.”
“Really? I don’t think it’s that bad,” I counter, swirling my foot in the murky water.
“No?”
“Nope.” I walk in further, smiling, until he lets go of my hand and I catch the mischievous gleam in his eyes. Before I can get away, he leans down with both hands and forces a splash of water up and against my legs.
“Still not too cold?”
“You know?” I bend at the waist, flicking the water back and forth with my finger while keeping my eyes trained on Vance. He braces his body for a rebuttal when he sees the fight on my face. “One of the things you don’t know about me is that I took swim lessons for five years. That I can swim underwater the entire length of a pool without taking a breath. That I’m an expert in Marco Polo and water sports….”
He squats down, arms out, knees slightly bent. “You think you can take me, Mickey? Come on. Do your worst.”
“Nah. I just wanted to brag,” I tease, and he relaxes, standing back up to his full height. Then I pounce, using my leg to kick water all over his t-shirt and jeans. He charges, grabbing me by the waist and throwing me over his shoulder. His hands hold tight to the back of my knees as he trudges through the water, a gushing sound growing louder and louder.
“Put me down,” I shout, but I’m laughing so hard I can barely get the words out.
“No can do, sweetheart.”
“Vance, do not throw me in that waterfall,” I protest, pounding on his lower back. He pays little attention to me, continuing to weave around rocks and stray branches. His fingers are cold and wet against my skin, his grip firm. I decide to stop fighting and take advantage of the closeness, inhaling his clean, soapy scent. God, he smells good.
“You sleeping back there?” he asks after a few minutes of silence. “Because if you are, you might need a blast of say, cold water, to wake you up.” He chuckles, pausing to let me down but keeping his hands around my waist until my feet find purchase in the riverbed. “I decided to spare you.” He brushes a piece of unruly hair away from my face. “For now,” he adds, his fingertip grazing the shell of my ear and making me shiver. His hand slides lower to my short sleeve and gives it a little tug. “So a swimmer, huh?”
“Yeah, but it was just because I had to, that’s all,” I admit as we lazily wade through the stream. I crouch to pick up a rock beneath the water, rubbing over its rough surface. “My mom always wanted the three of us to do a sport, and it was the only one that interested me. But my real passion was always the arts.”
“It’s nice how close you are to your mom,” Vance says with a hint of melancholy in his tone. He lays his hand on the small of my back to steer us around a group of branches. The light touch sends a prickle up my spine.
“It is. I look up to her. She’s… remarkable actually. How she’s always worked so hard and stayed so strong despite the circumstances. She definitely has her moments, but I feel like she’s the glue that holds everything together. I absolutely love my dad, but he was more laid back. My mom’s always been the one to ‘wear the pants’ so to speak.” I toss the rock into the water and it plunks down to the bottom.
“I miss her.” His voice goes quiet, eyes distant. “My mom that is.” He sighs. “I’d give anything to hear her nag me about eating healthier or remembering to take my shoes off when I get in the house. Stupid stuff, you know?”
“Yeah. I do.” Silence wedges its way into our conversation until I ask a question that’s been on my mind. “So… what will you do after summer’s over?” I know we have two months left, but a heavy lump settles in my throat as the words tumble out.
“I want to move closer to where my mom is. Remember I mentioned that my degree is in Computer Science and that getting a job in IT has taken much longer than I anticipated? Apparently my… expectations are too rigid so it’s been a lot tougher than I thought.”
“Troy always makes fun of me because I’m so anti-computer. I’m not even into the whole social media thing.”
“For me, I just love tinkering around so it was a hobby that turned into something more. Once I can get a job in the field I’ll be able to afford a place of my own. I was crap at saving money and that’s the only reason I’m still living with my dad.” He glances over at me with a shy smile, the first of its kind. “But I’m… you know… glad we came here.”
“Me too.” I smile back, then point to his ear. “So what’s with the earring? When did you get it?”
His hand goes to the small ring and he twirls it between his fingers. “It was about six years ago, after my mom first became ill. I used to have my tongue pierced too, but I took it out.” A flash of what that might have felt like in my mouth crosses my mind but I quickly clear it. His mouth curves into a slow grin and I wonder if he can read my mind. “Any piercings for you?”
“Just my ears. I was thirteen when I had them done and it was fairly traumatic. My mom took me and Avery to the mall. I screamed, and that was a small needle. There’s no way I would’ve been able to handle anything else.”
He laughs. “I guess it’s safe to say you don’t have any tattoos, then?”
“Correct. Avery has a small butterfly on her ankle and she tried to convince me to get one too. But that wasn’t going to happen.”
We reach the waterfall and lean against a wall of rock as the roar of rushing water surrounds us. Vance reclines his head back. “So what are your plans after the summer?”
“Avery and I are moving to New York City.” I regret the words the instant they leave my mouth. I’ve been dreaming about New York for as long as I can remember. Now, the thought of leaving creates this small ache deep in my chest. “We were going to take off right after graduation from Oregon State. But, it was a difficult time for our mom and we made the decision to wait. Anyway….” My thoughts trail off and suddenly I don’t want to talk about being anywhere but here.
Vance is quiet for a moment, almost contemplative as he stares out at the stream. “I guess that’s life, right. It moves on, whether we want it to or not.” Resigned apathy litters his statement and I can’t help but question it.
“What’s wrong?” I glance down at his hand as he flexes it open then closed. “Vance, what is it?” His cell phone rings but he doesn’t make a move to answer it. Until it rings again.
“Shit,” he mutters. Then a “Sorry” as he yanks the phone from his back pocket to answer the call. He holds the cell to his ear and his hand quivers. When he catches me staring, he switches hands and shoves that one into his pocket. “Hello. Yes it is.” He eyes his watch. “Yes I did. Sorry about that. Uh huh. Yes, I’ll give a call back to reschedule. Thanks.” Ending the call, he flips the phone in his hand repeatedly, a deep wrinkle creasing his forehead. His chest rises at a rapid pace, breathing heavy and labored.
“Vance?” Before I have a chance to say anything else, he takes his cell phone and lobs it into the air. It drops in the water quite a ways down the river and I glare at him. “Vance, what are you doing?”
He releases a single breath as if getting rid of his phone is the answer to whatever plagues him. “You know what, Ember. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymor
e. I really don’t.” He belts out a maniacal laugh. “But that felt really fucking good.”
I lift my hands in the air and peer out to the spot where he threw his phone. My head shakes as my gaze returns to his face. “You’re crazy.”
“I don’t know. That felt like the sanest thing I’ve done in a long time.” Mischief returns, brightening his eyes. “This feels pretty sane, too.” He walks underneath the waterfall, drops his head back and lets the water pour over his hair, his chest, his legs. If I thought he was magnificent dry, he looks even better wet. He is beautiful. But that’s not what draws me to him. Something deeper—a gentleness that hides beneath anger and hurt—a vulnerability that he masks. Maybe the tiny piece of broken inside of him that latches on to my broken piece. Because with him I feel normal again. His head falls and his eyes connect with mine, and he seems—lighter somehow. He crooks a finger at me. “C’mere, you.”
This is how Zack must have felt before he climbed a steep mountain or sailed off a cliff. My heart pounds inside my chest and I can’t catch my breath. It feels like I’m on the edge of something scary, yet wonderful. And when I finally get my feet to move and Vance sees me coming toward him, rewarding me with fiery eyes and a slight curve of his lips—I’m done for.
He slicks back my drenched hair with his fingers. “I guess you’re crazy, too.”
“Certifiable,” I reply, water trickling past my temple and over the side of my face. His hand slides down and curves around the bend of my neck, thumb stroking along my jaw and I tremble.
“Cold?” he asks, eyes gleaming blue in the sunlight. I shake my head no and let my gaze wander over his face and all its subtle nuances; the single freckle under his eye, the strong angle of his jaw, the lines around his mouth. He pulls me in so my head rests on his chest and drapes himself around me. My arms encircle his waist until every part of him touches every part of me, until no space is left between us. Rivulets of water cascade over our bodies and he holds on tight as if he’s running out of air and I’m his last breath. It may be daylight and we may be standing in the middle of a river, but it is by far the most intimate moment I’ve ever experienced.