by Beth Michele
“Don’t let go.”
“You okay, Unca Vance?” Riley asks, and I force a smile for his benefit.
“I’m better now, little guy.” Then I glance at Ember and mouth, “Thank you.”
MY UNUSUAL EPISODE on the Ferris wheel didn’t deter Riley in the least. Since then, he’s tested out one plane, two remote control helicopters, and a crazy light-up toy whose name I can’t recall. After being wowed by the dinosaur from Jurassic Park, he’s finally found his heaven in the superhero section. Ember and I follow behind as he browses up and down the aisle.
“That was so weird, what happened earlier.”
Ember gives me a sideways glance. “I think you had a panic attack.” She digs her hands in the pockets of her jeans. “I used to get them a lot after Zack died.”
I pick up a model of Superman to examine it before tucking it back on the shelf. “It’s never happened before though. I don’t have a fear of heights or anything.”
“It could’ve just been the swaying of the car.” She reaches up to tighten the band around her ponytail. “Kind of like motion sickness.”
“Unca Vance, Unca Vance!” Riley lets out a high-pitched squeal, his little feet scurrying along the floor. “Wook, it’s Mickey Mouse!” I glance up to find a massive display of Mickey Mouse in every size, shape, and variation. “I love Mickeeeeeeeey,” he sings, and my gaze swings to Ember, throat working on a soft swallow.
“Me too, buddy. Me too.”
Ember’s breath catches and her cheeks bloom pink. She turns away, making it impossible to get a handle on her feelings. Meanwhile, I jam my thumbs in my back pockets, struggling to control the urge to take her in my arms. To hold her until she tells me what I want to hear. Except that won’t get me anywhere. Besides, that other guy is in the picture and I don’t know where that leaves me. But I do know I have to go slow with her. I’m just having some difficulty with the execution.
She escapes behind the stuffed animals, eyes lingering on the Mickey Mouse key rings. Her finger rolls over each one, clinking metal against metal. Unable to keep my distance, I shuffle over to her until my front almost touches her back. She still smells like fresh peaches and I steal a moment to breathe her in. I haven’t been this close to her in so long, but it’s not close enough. Leaning in, I sweep her ponytail to the side, my fingers brushing her neck. “You should get one,” I whisper into her ear. “You know you want it.” She swallows, a slight shiver vibrating through her body.
“I don’t really need it,” she answers too quickly, stepping away from me and securing a safer spot next to Riley. “What do you think, Riley?” She rubs his head. “Which Mickey is calling you?”
“This one!” His voice bursts through the tension, making me chuckle.
“You had to pick the biggest one. Didn’t you, Riles? That thing is bigger than you.”
He peers up at me, hopeful, that big smile pushing all reason from my head. “Can I get it?”
I look to Ember and she shrugs, her lips bending as she tries not to laugh. “Okay, Riles. You can get that one.” He immediately pulls it down and twenty other Mickey’s fall in the process. “But you have to carry it,” I tease, as we bend down to pick up the stray stuffed animals and place them back on the shelf. “Okay,” I nudge Ember’s arm, “I’m thinking three and a half hours is good, right? I mean, we did our time here.” Riley is already off drooling at another display of toys and I’ve pretty much had my fill.
“I’ve got an idea.” She perches the last Mickey Mouse on the display. “You want to hear it?”
“If it helps us get out of here.” I wink. “Absolutely.”
She nods toward the escalator. “There’s ice cream downstairs, on the way out.”
“Ah, the lady knows a good bribe.” I call out for Riley and he spins around, disappearing behind giant black ears. “I’m going to pay for that and Ember will take you for ice cream. I’ll meet you guys down there, okay?”
“Ice cweeeeeeeeam,” Riley squeaks, his tongue dashing across his lips. He reluctantly lets go of Mickey, something I can relate to well, and takes Ember’s hand as the two of them ride the escalator to the first floor. I stare after them, trying not to read too much into how fucking well this day has gone.
By the time I navigate the crowd and detour to the ice cream shop, Riley is running around, dark globs of chocolate smeared on his cheeks. “Chocowaaaaaaaate.” He giggles, sailing across the floor with his arms in the air.
A laugh bubbles up from Ember’s throat. I plop down next to her, giving Mickey Mouse his own chair. “Riley has this thing about exaggerated vowels.”
She glances over to Riley then back to me. “He’s adorable.”
“He’s a sweet kid.” My phone pings a text and I slide it from my pocket.
Chris: I’ve been roaming around this Godforsaken place for a half hour. Where ARE you?
I chuckle and type back.
Me: First floor, ice cream
Chris: Be there in a minute… hopefully
As I look up, I catch Ember peeking at my phone. “Chris is here. He’s been trying to find us and I don’t know why he didn’t text me when he got here.”
“Because he figured he could spot your big head a mile away.” Chris taunts from behind me, and Ember laughs. “Hi.” He strides to the table, offering her his hand. “You m-must be Ember. I’m Chris. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Her lips tilt into an apprehensive smile. “Don’t worry. I never believe anything he says,” he throws in. I glare at him with a fucking retort on the tip of my tongue when Riley hightails it over. He yanks Mickey Mouse’s hand to drag him off the chair.
“Chwissy! Wook what I got.”
“Wow, Riles, that’s awesome.” He kneels down and shakes Mickey’s hand. “Listen, we need to get going. Mom is making dinner and your friend Lenny is coming over.”
Riley licks a circle around his mouth, chocolate sticking to his tongue. “Okay, hewe.” He shoves Mickey Mouse at Chris. “Howd this.” Then he turns around, slinging his arms around Ember and squeezing until he practically cuts off her circulation. She smiles through it because she’s a trooper. “Bye, Embew. See you soon?”
“Absolutely, sweet boy.”
Riley backs away, kissing her cheek and my heart blows up. He moves on to me and gives me a big hug. “Bye, Unca Vance. Thank you fow bwinging me and fow the stuffed animal.”
“You got it, little guy. I’ll see you soon, okay?” I make a fist and he mimics me, pressing his curled fingers against mine. “Oh.” I pry the small plastic bag from my pocket with the Superman action figure. “This is for you, too. A little surprise for when you get home.”
His smile grows. “Thanks, Unca Vance.”
“Sure.” I grin. “Now scram.”
“All right, we’re outta here. Nice m-meeting you, Ember.” Chris’s gaze flashes to me with the discretion of a fly. “Hope to see you around.”
“Nice meeting you, too.” Ember waves once as Chris and Riley disappear into the crowd. She scuffs the toe of her sneaker against the floor, her gaze following the motion. “So….”
“So….” I wait until she raises her head then hold out my arm. She stares at it, hesitating for a split second before folding her fingers around my elbow. Small victories, I remind myself. “Shall we blow this joint, or what?”
“Let’s.”
We make it back out into the sunshine, prodded by a sea of people as anxious as we are to exit the store and breathe fresh air. Directly in front of the entrance, a group gathers around a man in a top hat and tails singing acapella. Not unusual for Manhattan and his voice is pretty damn good. Ember glances up at me, curiosity embedded in her smile.
“You said you play at that bar, Blue Monday, right?”
“Yeah. Every Tuesday and Thursday night. It’s no big deal.” I brush it off because when it comes down to it, the bar is a dive and the gig is solely something we do for fun. But I still fucking love it.
“I always thought you should do some
thing with that voice.” Her tone doesn’t jibe with her expression. It’s too soft somehow, and my jaw stiffens. She slips her arm out from under mine and shifts away, staring at everything except me. “I should get going.”
“Do you want to grab a bite?”
“I can’t. I… have plans.” Her words are vague, but her message is crystal fucking clear. I know it’s with that guy.
“Ember.” I blow out a rough breath. “I don’t want to talk to your head. Could you look at me?” She turns, her face blank of emotion. “Go out with me tomorrow night.”
She sighs. “I can’t.”
I tug on my earring, suddenly wanting to rip it from my skin. “Why not?”
“I have plans with Avery.”
I shove my frustration into my pocket. “The night after that, then?”
Another lengthy sigh. “Vance—”
“Ember.” I tilt my head, searching her face. “I know you still care about me. I can see it in your eyes.” Reaching out, I tip her chin up with my finger. “What happened to the girl who always told the truth?”
She blinks slowly, breath rattling as it leaves her mouth. “She’s still here… she’s just terrified of it now.”
My eyes drift back and forth between hers, hoping she can see the sincerity in my gaze, feel it from my heart. “I won’t hurt you again.”
“You don’t know that.”
One thing I do know—words are fucking useless at this point. I need to prove it to her.
“Okay,” I submit, dropping my hand. And for someone who claims to be terrified, her forehead creases in what looks a whole hell of a lot like disappointment.
“Thank you for today. I had a great time,” her mouth slants, “and I love little Riley.”
Without waiting another fucking second, I lean down and let my lips graze her cheek before stepping back. “Thanks for coming.”
She walks away from me, and my stomach lurches. I can’t help thinking how the roles are reversed now, and how I deserve this—because I never should have walked away from her. I damn sure won’t make that same mistake twice. And since I can’t manage to take things slow, before she gets too far away I yell out. “Admit it. You missed me.”
Her movement halts and she spins around, throwing her hands up in the air. Even from here I can tell she’s smiling. “Okay! I fucking missed you! Happy?”
Not entirely—but it’s a start.
IT’S AMAZING HOW slow a weekend can go by, even when you fill every second. To make sure you have no free moments to think. I can’t say it was all that successful. Hanging out with Avery, sculpting, and studying, definitely passed the time. But my mind strayed to Vance on more than one occasion. I blow out a ruffled sigh and lean back in my chair. Friday was great—more than great. While I can’t bring myself to admit anything else to Vance at the moment, I can own up to the fact that I missed him—like crazy.
It’s the simple things that I missed the most. His know-it-all grin, the way he tugs on that stupid earring when he’s nervous. I missed our talks—about anything, about everything. I missed the comfort of our silences. And I missed his eyes—and how I can see a whole world in them.
“Daydreaming again, are we?” My boss, Monica strolls into the back office, her perfect black bob swishing from side to side. Under one arm, she carries a painting wrapped in brown paper. With her available hand, she smoothes her blue Armani pencil skirt, careful not to damage those brightly polished nails.
“Who, me?” I smile. “Never. Who does such things?”
She stops in front of my desk, surveying me with a subtle lift of her head. “You’ve gotten feistier since you started here. I’m quite enjoying it.” Setting the painting against the wall behind her, she adds, “The last girl who worked for me didn’t know the definition of the word humor.” In a blink, her smile straightens out, focus changing, and she’s back to business. She plucks the proof for the new logo from my inbox. “How are we doing on timing for the updated business cards and postcards?”
I roll the chair to my computer and click the mouse to open up the calendar on my desktop. “I called the printer yesterday but realized they’re closed on Mondays, so I spoke with them this morning and the cards will be here on Thursday. Also, that reminds me. Mrs. Lipman called about that painting she was interested in, and she wants you to give her a call. She has a new cell phone number and address. I sent you an e-mail with her details.”
“Excellent. Thank you, Ember.” She takes a peppermint candy from the bowl on my desk, crinkling the wrapper and popping it in her mouth. A hum leaves her red-stained lips and she smiles. “I’ve always loved these things.” Designer heels click on the polished wood as she winks then saunters off. “I’ll leave you to your daydreaming.”
My mind refocuses on work as I make adjustments to a customer spreadsheet when a knock sounds on the door. Looking up from my paperwork, I notice a young kid standing there in a baseball hat, chewing gum like a cow grazing in a field. In his hand is a bouquet of pink roses. The color alone gives me pause.
“You Ember Bennett?” he asks in a thick New York accent, blowing a deep green bubble.
“Yes, that’s me.”
He struts over and lays the flowers along with a small card on my desk. “These are for you.” Holding out a clipboard, he taps his thumbnail on the signature line. “Sign here, please.” Then he stares up at the ceiling and continues to chomp on his gum as if I’m boring him.
Eyes glued to the card, I sign quickly and give him a hasty thanks and a tip before he disappears. I slide my thumb under the flap of the miniature envelope to pry it open. Inside sits a simple white card with a handwritten message.
Ember,
I MISSED YOU TOO.
xo Vance
Four words—and I’m breathless. How is that possible?
With the card pressed to my chest, I let his words seep into me. They burrow under my skin, filling me with him as if he never left. I guess in many ways he didn’t. He was always there, tucked away in a corner of my heart I had to ignore—because I had no choice.
But now it seems that I do. Except fear haunts me, following me around like a shadow—never letting me forget that the two people I’ve loved most, I’ve lost. First Zack, and then Vance. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to handle it happening again.
A silvery glint catches my eye. I pick up the flowers and unwrap the foil, setting their powerful fragrance free. In between one of the roses, hanging off a green stem is the Mickey Mouse key ring from the toy store. The one I said I didn’t want—which I did—and of course Vance knew that.
My lips twitch and this peculiar fullness engulfs my chest, bigger than I can handle. My eyes swell and I close them, wanting to keep all the feelings inside. Even then, they sneak out. Fear and longing roll down my cheeks, until I’m crying about nothing, about everything. Overwhelmed by the past, trying to keep myself afloat in the present. It’s funny. I’m so good at expressing myself with words and sculpting. But when it comes to the hard stuff, I’m lost. I’m afraid.
It’s not good enough anymore. I’m twenty-five years old and I need to get it together. I sit up straighter in my chair and brush the tears away from my cheeks. My brain wanders for a minute until I realize I’m doing too much thinking and not enough acting. So I stop the madness in my head and open my desk drawer, reaching into my purse for my cell phone.
Me: Thank you for the beautiful flowers and the key ring
Vance: You’re welcome
Me: That was really thoughtful
Vance: I can be thoughtful when I want to be
I laugh.
Me: I love them and you were right, I did want the key ring
Vance: I know. And I’m also wise. You should listen to me more often
Unsure of what I want to say next, I pause with my fingers over the keypad. When I don’t respond, I wait to see if Vance types something else. But he doesn’t and that’s okay. There’s something more important I need to do anyway.
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“I’M NOT USED to seeing you in a t-shirt and jeans.” Grant stares down at his black pants and crisp white shirt. “I feel a bit overdressed.”
“You look great,” I counter, fiddling with the napkin in my lap. But then something kicks in. I can’t pinpoint exactly what, but it spurs me on. “I actually don’t like dresses at all,” I admit. “I never did.”
“Oh.” Grant’s face is a blank slate, save for the tiny slash across his forehead. He plays it off, almost as if he wants to avoid what’s really going on here. “So, should we order?”
“I’m not very hungry.” I push the menu away, clasping my hands in front of me on the white linen tablecloth. “Do you remember that night when you were in my apartment and you were looking at that sculpture book?”
“Of course.” He laughs anxiously before it peters out. “You practically bit my head off.”
“Yes, and I’m sorry again about that.” I gather my nerves on a big breath. “But… that was a gift from someone very special.”
“Vance.”
“How did you….”
He scrapes a hand through his hair and sighs. “I read the inscription Ember, while you were in the bathroom.”
My eyes lower to the table then back to him. “Oh.”
His brows pinch together, an expression forming around his mouth I’ve never seen before. “Yeah, Oh. How come you didn’t tell me there was someone else?”
“Wait, no.” I jump in. “Remember before we started dating I mentioned there was a guy? That was years ago, but….” I pause, trying to arrange my thoughts into something that will make sense. That will hurt less. “I found out recently that he’s here in New York, and I’ve… I’ve never gotten over him,” I confess, and he flinches. It’s so subtle I nearly miss it. “You’re a wonderful guy, Grant. Really you are. It’s just that… I’m not one for playing games. Certainly not with your heart.”