by Luna, David
It was fifty degrees out and on a normal day he’d feel chilled at that temperature, he ran cold anyway, but being down fifteen pounds had him bundling up in long johns, a beanie, and a scarf with his heavy coat. He picked a table that was in the sun and just closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth on his face. He ate a couple bites of his sandwich, drank his coffee and then pulled out his sketchpad. It had been a long time since he’d drawn for fun and anytime he could practice with both hands and come up with new designs was a bonus.
He’d been there a good hour before his energy started to flag. He gathered his things into his messenger bag, hooked his empty coffee mug onto a carabiner and stood to throw the rest of his sandwich in the trash. The pain in his chest hit hard and fast and he gasped for breath, turning the heads of those few that had gathered at the other picnic benches to enjoy the sun. Clutching his chest, he took deep breaths and the panic set in when the tightness was so great he couldn’t breathe in deep enough. When he reached the bench and tried to sit down, his weakened arm wouldn’t hold him and he fell on the ground.
The edges of his vision were getting blurry and he was too panicked to try to calm himself down to help with his breathing. The more he thought about his chest tightness and breathlessness, the harder it was to get any air. He was dimly aware of voices around him and the words nine-one-one and ambulance, but he couldn’t concentrate and then everything went black.
The next thing he knew he was being strapped to a wheeled stretcher. Someone off to the side said, “Don’t forget his bag.”
He felt the bag being placed between his legs on the stretcher and then he was being bumped and jostled all the way back to the ambulance which had pulled onto the walking path relatively close to the picnic benches. Blackness consumed him again until he felt someone pulling on his arm and heard, “Medical alert bracelet lists epilepsy. Sir? Sir, can you hear me?”
He turned to look at the woman and realized she was talking to him. He blinked when his vision became blurry and blinked again. She spoke a little louder. “Sir? Can you tell us if you’re on any anticonvulsants?”
He closed his eyes, rolling the question around and around in his head. He had an answer and then it went away. Another one popped in and that one faded as well. A vision of the bottle he’d held in his hand that morning floated by and he grasped at it, bringing it back. “Di…” clearing his throat, he tried again, “Dilantin.”
“Very good, sir. We’re almost there, just try…” That was all he heard before he blacked out again.
Coming to, he was in a brightly lit emergency room bay and just that fact alone had his heart racing, nausea roiling, and a cold sweat breaking out over his whole body. A beautiful woman was approaching the side of his bed with an iPad in her hand, her white coat had Nisha Patel, M.D. and under that, Emergency Medicine embroidered on it. She looked up from the tablet and frowned in concern. “Sebastian? I’m Dr. Patel, you look a bit panicked. Are you all right?”
He was confused and angry at his constantly recurring reactions to all things hospital related. He shook his head. “No. I… Um, how did I get here? When can I be released?”
“Not for a while yet, I’m afraid. An ambulance picked you up from the park, do you remember that? Glad your medical alert bracelet was a USB. We love it when that happens. Got all your information at our fingertips. We’ve placed a call into our on-call neurologist.”
Sebastian’s brows drew together in frustration. So much for getting the hell out of there. “I… I think I couldn’t breathe. My chest hurt. Did I pass out because I didn’t have enough oxygen?”
“No. They got you stabilized in the ambulance. Most anticonvulsants have fainting as a side effect, but couple that with the chest tightness and trouble breathing side effects and it was the perfect storm for you to lose consciousness. Looks like that new medication isn’t your best option.”
Sebastian nodded, feeling moderately better but just being in the hospital had his stress levels skyrocketing by the minute, instead of calming down. “When can I be released?”
“You already asked that, Sebastian. We need to hear back from the neurologist to see what the next steps are with your meds. Keaton is going to be your nurse, he’ll be here in just a moment. I’ll be back when I’ve spoken with neuro.”
He nodded, blushing at having asked the same question twice. He was so goddamned confused. The day was going down as his worst Christmas ever. He glanced around the room and was relieved to see his messenger bag. He threw back the blanket to get it, but realized he was wearing a hospital gown and pulled that blanket back over him. A cute, slightly chubby nurse came in smiling so big he couldn’t help but answer it with a small smile of his own. “Sebastian, hi! I’m Keaton, your nurse.” He leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “I’ve seen you at Catharsis before, right? I’m a fairly new sub there, but I know I’ve seen you.”
Sebastian blushed and nodded. Feeling reassured when the nurse continued, “Don’t worry, I won’t say a word, I just wanted to introduce myself. Maybe we can hang out at the club together next time you’re there. Unless you’re collared and can’t.”
Sebastian blushed again, and reached up to pull his necklace out. “I am, but it’s just a short-term contract.”
Keaton smiled sheepishly. “Of course, you are. You’re too gorgeous not to be.” He shrugged. “Well, if you’re allowed to, maybe we can chat next time. Um, what was I… Oh yeah, you were getting up to get your bag? Here, let me.”
Feeling completely out of his element with the nurse’s comments, he just nodded his thanks as he took the bag. He looked up again when Keaton asked, “Do you need us to call anyone?”
When Keaton glanced down at his collar, the thought of him calling Gideon had him feeling sick to his stomach. He shook his head and, more loudly than he’d intended, said, “No!”
Keaton’s eyes popped wide. “All right.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just… It’s not like that with us. We just have scenes together, mostly.”
“Okay, I understand. Anyone else? Friends, or family?”
Sebastian shook his head and busied himself with opening his bag. When Keaton got the hint, he said he needed to check his vitals and went about doing his job. As he was leaving, Sebastian murmured, “Thank you, Keaton. Next time I’m at the club, I’ll look for you.”
The smile he got in response made him happy that he’d said it, but he wasn’t sure when he’d be back to the club. With what had happened the last time he went, he didn’t have any desire to go there unless Gideon invited him to go and he doubted that would happen. He pulled out his sketch pad and began to work on the last drawing he’d been working on.
He was there for an hour before Dr. Patel returned. “Sebastian, Dr. Chen, the on-call neuro, is a partner at your neurologist’s office and was able to look at your files. He’d like to keep you here for observation and to give you IV anticonvulsants to stabilize you. They want to run a battery of tests, including an MRI, with contrast medium this time, to get a better look at the angioma. They’ve ordered a head CT, and PET and SPECT images as well. He also wants to do an EEG to determine the focus of your seizure area and evaluate your brain function. We’ll work to schedule those but you might be here several days.”
“But, I have all of those scheduled for later in the week. Can’t I just go home and go in for the tests at the scheduled time?”
“I’m afraid not. Your reaction to the last several drugs have not been good. They’re running out of options and don’t feel it’s safe for you to go unobserved. For several of the tests you need to be twelve hours from your last convulsion, so while we’ll do our best to get as many tests done as soon as possible, some of them have stipulations. The faster we can get some answers with the scans, the sooner we’ll have some solutions for you.”
Sebastian’s shoulders slumped and he nodded. God how he hated being in the hospital. His mother had been a hypochondriac. The fact that he’d had a whole lot of health issue
s only made it worse and he was constantly in the hospital emergency room or his doctor’s office for whatever it was she was convinced he had. He’d had an aversion to doctor’s offices and hospitals ever since, and being forced to stay in one was a nightmare he hadn’t been prepared for.
He’d been moved up to the ICU after having the head CT. Everyone was being so nice to him while he waited, nurses stopping in to check on him off and on. He’d even been brought a couple Christmas cookies after he’d had the MRI, later that afternoon. He felt bad for the staff having to work on Christmas. The night was uneventful after that and Monday rolled around before he realized he was the worst pet owner ever.
Slap and Tickle. Fuck. What the hell was he supposed to do about getting them fed? He’d never call Gideon and couldn’t put Braden in any situation that he couldn’t tell his husband who would then tell his brother. The only person he had left was Zoe. He knew she’d do it. He just hated what he’d have to ask of her. Knowing there was nothing for it he dug in his bag for his phone.
Keaton had come in and given him his number before he’d been taken up to ICU, so he’d put yet another number into his phone. Another new possible friend perhaps? Where were they all coming from, and why now? He thought it strange that he’d basically been without anyone for most of his life, and now he was plugging in more numbers than he’d added in years. It was disconcerting to say the least. And also made him paranoid the other foot was gonna drop when his health got worse and worse.
Pulling his phone out of his bag, he realized it was dead. Chuckling to himself, he picked up the phone beside his hospital bed and dialed her number. There was a benefit to having hardly any friends, he guessed. He didn’t have many numbers to remember, so he was able to recall them all fairly easily.
“Hello?”
“Zoe, it’s Sebastian.”
“Hey, Sebastian. How was your Christmas?”
“Um, okay. How was yours?”
“It was great. I spent it with my sister, as usual. Hey, I’m just about to go on the clock here at the café. What’s up?”
Sebastian cleared his throat nervously and dove right in. “I need a huge favor from you. But I can’t have you asking me questions right now and I can’t have you telling anyone what’s going on.”
“Sebastian, are you a government spook?”
Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh at her ridiculousness. “I just might be. And listen, I’d owe you big. It’s gonna be a pain in the ass and I really do mean it about no asking and no telling.”
“Okay, on one condition.”
“Name it.”
“Will you tell me all about it later?”
Sebastian paused and thought about that. The thought of it made his stomach plummet, but at the same time, it might be good to have someone know what was going on with him, in case he needed help again. Not that he’d make a habit out of asking for it. God knows being a burden was anathema to him. He’d been a burden to his parents and he’d had it pointed out to him from a very young age. It was the last thing he wanted to be to a friend. Finally, he answered her, “Yeah. I’ll tell you.”
“Okay then. Tell me what you need from me.”
“When you’re done with your shift at the café, are you free?”
“Yeah, I don’t have any plans tonight.”
“Could you come by the hospital to—”
“WHAT?!”
“…get my house key, and go by and feed Slap and Tickle?”
“Sebastian!”
He sighed. “No questions, remember?”
“Jesus. Are your parents there at least?”
He paused for a fraction too long and she said his name again. Finally, he said, “No.”
“No? What do you mean, no?”
“I haven’t seen my parents in about nine years, Zoe.”
“But… What did you do for Christmas? I thought you took some time off.”
“I took some time off for the reasons I’m in the hospital. Listen, I—”
“And for Christmas?”
“Uh, I went to the park for a while and—”
“Sebastian, are you telling me you were alone on Christmas?”
He cleared his throat and admitted, “I’m alone every holiday, Zoe. It’s not a big deal. Look—”
She made a sound of frustration and asked, “But, why didn’t you call me? You could have spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with me!”
“Zoe. You gotta stop interrupting me. I said no questions, and you’ve already asked a gazillion.”
“A gazillion?”
He chuckled. “At least. I’m in the ICU, room three forty-nine. Let me give you the phone number. My phone’s dead.” He rattled off the number and continued, “I don’t know when I’ll be in and out of the room for more tests yet, so you can call if you need, but I’ll leave my house key at the nurses’ station closest to my room if I’m gonna be gone later. Okay?”
He heard her sigh. “Sebastian, I’m worried about you.”
Warmth filled him at that unexpected response. “That’s… that’s really nice, Zoe. Thank you. I’m sure everything will be just fine. See you later, all right?”
“All right, Sebastian. Bye.”
“Bye.”
But he wasn’t sure. In fact as the days went by, he was becoming less and less sure of anything. Later that morning he was taken to radiology for the PET and SPECT scans and after that there was a lot more waiting. Strangely enough he was feeling a bit better and was hopeful the anticonvulsants they had him on in the hospital were the right kind to allow him to leave sooner rather than later.
When Zoe arrived later in the day, she’d taken one look at him and burst into tears. Not having a lot of experience with females crying for him—hell anyone crying for him for that matter—he didn’t know how to react, so he apologized in general hoping that would help.
Sobbing, she approached him and hugged him tight. “Why are you apologizing?”
“Because you burst into tears when you looked at me?”
“You don’t look well, Sebastian.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
She huffed. “Stop apologizing. Why didn’t you call me before it got this bad?”
She was still crying. Why was she still crying? That wasn’t what he’d expected at all. He had no control over his automatic response. “I didn’t want to bother you.”
She gave him a withering look. Christ almighty, he’d botched it up. Those tears hit some sort of internal panic button that was completely out of his control and he found himself reaching out to her so she could continue to cry on his shoulder.
“This is why I didn’t call you. I don’t like making you so upset.”
“I’m just upset because you’re sick, Sebastian.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
She rolled her eyes and proceeded to ask him more questions and he told her what he felt comfortable with. He was grateful she’d stopped by, because she was doing him a huge favor and she’d even brought her extra charger to leave for him to charge his phone. Not to mention she drove back to his house, fed the cats, leaving enough for a couple days, and brought him back a change of clothes and some dinner, which he technically just picked at, but was able to get down a small portion.
The next morning, he was transferred to a step-down unit which made him feel like he was getting closer and closer to being sent home, until his own neurologist walked in, a frown creasing his brow. “Good morning. How are you feeling, Sebastian?”
Sebastian shrugged knowing his frown meant he didn’t have good news. “As good as can be expected, I guess, with everything going on.”
His doctor nodded and continued, “Unfortunately, we can’t get you in for the EEG over on the neurology floor until tomorrow morning. So, we’ll be keeping you here for one more night for observation and then releasing you after that final test, if you’re stable. We’ve got you on a different anticonvulsant and so far, so good, according to your nurses.”
When he nodded his understanding, the doctor continued, “Sebastian, even if these meds are helpful in slowing down your seizures, I don’t think you’ll ever go back to the time where they were being controlled nearly completely. We have very few viable options left for you, and the ones we do have are all surgical in nature. I’ll be working with the partners in my practice to come up with our best plan of attack once we have all your test results and we’ll go from there. As soon as we decide what’s best, we’ll talk to you about your options. We’ll want to move fast, once the decision is made.”
Sebastian took a deep breath. “What do you mean by fast?”
“I’d prefer to move within the next month, but I know you’ll need to arrange time off and work with our insurance manager to get the approvals. We’ll get your EEG results tomorrow after the tests and then I’ll come and see you before you’re released.”
They finished talking and his doctor left. That afternoon he slept for several hours and then had a short visit from Zoe. As they chatted, he had to hand it to her, she didn’t ask too many questions and had kept his confidence. After she left, his nurse brought him a tray for dinner and he moved it aside, knowing he couldn’t put off making the call he’d been dreading since he woke up.
Unplugging his phone from the charger, he dialed.
“Bastian.”
His Dom’s low rumble when he said his name sent a shiver throughout his body. “Sir.”
“How are you, boy? How was your Christmas?”
“All right, Sir. Yours?”
“Great. Thank you. I’m looking forward to spending time with you later. I’ve missed seeing you.”
Overwhelmed by those words, Sebastian fell silent, not knowing how to respond.
“Boy?”
He cleared his throat, utterly wrecked. “Thank you, Sir. I’ve missed seeing you as well. But, um, I’m…I’m calling to cancel tonight. I’m really sorry. I’m still pretty sick and am going to see a specialist tomorrow morning.”