A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘You should have told him to piss off. It’s after five.’ Erin swiped another biscuit and I swallowed the urge to stab her with a teaspoon.

  ‘I can’t. He brought up the photocopier.’

  ‘That was weeks ago. Is he going to hold you to ransom forever?’

  ‘Probably.’ I batted Erin’s hand away as she lunged for another biscuit. How the hell did she stay rake-thin?

  ‘Do you want me to stay behind with you?’

  ‘Nah.’ There was no point in us both losing part of our evening.

  ‘Good, because I’ve got a date with Christian.’ I gave Erin a blank look. I honestly couldn’t keep up with all the men she dated. ‘The gorgeous bloke from my salsa class.’ Of which there were many, according to Erin, and therefore failed to narrow it down. ‘He brings his girlfriend every week? The red-head bitch who kicked my ankle a few weeks ago?’ Ah, yes. Salsa was an extreme sport where Erin was concerned, what with her flirting with every man under the age of sixty. ‘Well, he turned up alone last week. His girlfriend broke her ankle – how’s that for irony? – and I talked him into taking me out.’

  ‘You’ve no shame.’

  ‘Nope.’ Erin grinned and swiped another biscuit before sauntering towards the staircase, waving a hand as she went.

  Not bothering to replace yet another biscuit (it was nearly tea time and, well, I just couldn’t be bothered), I carried the coffee through to an ungracious Kelvin before making a start on the photocopying. Luckily for both the photocopier and me, all went smoothly until I handed Kelvin the four documents. He didn’t take them, simply nodded at his in-tray.

  ‘Stick them in there. It’s getting late. I’ll deal with them tomorrow.’

  I can’t tell you how much I wanted to stick the documents in a far more unpleasant orifice than Kelvin’s in-tray, but I restrained myself. Violence towards the photocopier was one thing, violence towards the general manager was another, however justified.

  ‘Couldn’t I have photocopied them in the morning?’ I really couldn’t help myself. My gob had a mind of its own at times.

  ‘I suppose you could have, yes.’ Kelvin glanced up from his computer screen. I could tell he’d been playing solitaire by the frantic clicking of his mouse. ‘But I didn’t realise how long it would take you to complete a simple task.’

  I clasped my hands behind my back and clamped my lips together, determined to neither throttle my employer nor say something I wouldn’t regret but would certainly lose my job over.

  ‘I’ll see you in the morning then.’

  ‘Hmm.’ Click, click, click. He was back to losing at solitaire.

  The bus was late as usual, packed and sweaty with disgruntled commuters (of which I was most definitely one), meaning I had to stand for the entire journey in heels. I always wore heels, whatever the occasion. I’d already been cursed with being fat – I didn’t want to be fat and stumpy, resembling a Weeble, and so my feet had to make the ultimate sacrifice. Still, my shoes were pretty fab that day – grey leopard-print lace-up ankle boots with a massive heel. They went perfectly with my knee-length charcoal dress overlaid with paler grey lace. To brighten the look (I did like to be bright, to show off my curves, rather than hide them away), I wore a pair of canary yellow cable and rib tights and chunky yellow beads around my throat and wrists.

  The bus ride seemed to take forever, pausing at every stop to pile yet more disgruntled commuters on board, upping the sweaty, stuffy atmosphere. The others were already settled at home by the time I arrived. The ‘others’ being my housemates, Billy and Theo, and by ‘settled’, I mean they were camped out in the sitting room, eyes glued to the television screen while they hammered at the Playstation pads in their hands.

  ‘Theo?’ I remained in the doorway, afraid to enter. ‘Why are you nearly naked?’

  Theo, wearing just a pair of boxers and holey socks, didn’t tear his eyes away from the TV. ‘I’ve got no clean clothes.’

  ‘What about the clothes you wore to work?’ Please let him have worn clothes to work.

  ‘They’re in the washing basket. I spilled a pint over them at lunchtime.’

  Ah. ‘Spilled’ in the case of Theo translated as ‘propositioned a lady and was impolitely turned down’.

  ‘Do you mind sticking the washing on for me?’

  I told Theo where he could stick his washing. I’d had enough of being a skivvy for one day.

  ‘There’s some post for you. I’ve left it in the hall,’ Billy called after me as I stalked away, muttering to myself about lazy bastard men.

  By some miracle, Gideon didn’t cancel our date and so I met him at Cosmo’s, a restaurant around the corner from my house. I’d been seeing Gideon for about eight months and, while he was a bit of a slob and a bit of a moron, he’d do. At least he wanted me and what was the alternative? Sitting on my own night after night?

  ‘Ruthie! Ciao dolcezza.’ It wasn’t Gideon who greeted me so enthusiastically, kissing me on each cheek, but Cosmo, the owner of the restaurant. Don’t worry. He wasn’t some sort of sleaze who pounced on all his female clientele. I’d known Cosmo for about ten years, even living with him for the briefest time (though not in any sort of sexual context).

  ‘Is he here?’ I asked as I removed my jacket.

  Cosmo tried not to pull a face but it was difficult and he was forced to turn his grimace into a smile, purely for my benefit. ‘He’s at the bar.’

  ‘Pissed, I presume.’

  ‘Getting there. Shall I show you to your table?’

  We picked Gideon up en route, sitting at a table in a cosy corner of the restaurant. I ordered quickly, eager to tell Gideon my news. I’d taken my post upstairs with me so I could read it while I was getting ready and discovered an invitation to the Ultimate Highmoor Reunion. Highmoor was my old school, a great big building of misery for me but soon it would be no more. Highmoor was being bulldozed to make way for a shiny new academy and so a reunion was being held during the summer for all pupils who had attended during its sixty-year lifespan.

  I was horrified to begin with and felt a bit queasy at the thought of having to face all the people who had made my life so depressing, all the people who had jibed and poked fun at me and were truly horrible and nasty, dismissing me purely because I was fat. The worst part would be facing Zack, my first love. I hadn’t seen Zack in ten years, since he’d pretended to like me for a practical joke and shattered my delicate, teenage heart into a million pieces.

  My first instinct was to tear up the invitation but something stopped me. I could go to the reunion with my head held high, my boyfriend on my arm, and show them all that I wasn’t the same loser I once was. I wasn’t alone anymore. I had a boyfriend – even if it was Gideon. I phoned the number on the invitation before I could change my mind and purchased two tickets. Now all I had to do was tell Gideon about the reunion and somehow talk him into wearing a suit, or a clean shirt at the very least.

  ‘It’s not working out, is it?’ Gideon asked before our starter had arrived and before I had the chance to bring up the reunion.

  ‘What isn’t?’

  ‘You and me. Us.’

  Oh, God. I was being dumped. By Gideon.

  What about the reunion?

  TWO

  Billy

  Billy and Theo had barely moved from their positions on the sofa since Ruth arrived home from work, the only difference being the pink T-shirt Theo had found drying on the bathroom radiator when he’d been forced to leave the room to pee. It belonged to Ruth so it buried his smaller frame, but at least it stopped his nips from freezing off his chest.

  ‘Shit! Quick!’

  ‘Balls!’

  ‘Fucking hell, Bill.’

  ‘Sor -’

  ‘Over there! Kill it this fucking time.’

  Billy and Theo’s conversation was far from intellectual as their characters trundled along the screen, hiding behind barrels and abandoned buildings, waiting to pounce and shoot the hell out of the enemy. />
  ‘Nice one, mate. Shit, move it. Move it.’

  ‘I am. Give me chance to -’

  ‘Fuck!’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ve got it.’

  Billy didn’t have it. Taking his eyes off the screen to check the time as he heard the front door opening and then slamming shut, his character was done for.

  ‘Ruth’s back early,’ he noted as Theo ranted about Billy’s untimely death. It had been less than an hour since Ruth left the house with a cheery ‘see you later, losers’ to meet Gideon, who didn’t even have the courtesy to pick her up. Not that he ever picked Ruth up for their dates. Or showed her any scrap of respect.

  The sitting room door was flung open and Ruth stomped inside, kicking off her shoes and shrinking five inches.

  ‘Why aren’t you on your date with Giddy-up?’ Theo had started the game again but he could talk and hammer the buttons on the Playstation at the same time. And people say men can’t multitask. ‘Did he stand you up? Or has his flea-infested beard taken over his entire face and he can’t be seen in public anymore?’ Or had Ruth finally seen sense and dumped the wanker?

  ‘Leave it,’ Billy muttered. There was clearly something going on, something that was upsetting Ruth so much she couldn’t even bring herself to yell at Theo for wearing her T-shirt. ‘Why don’t you go and sort your washing out?’

  Theo was about to protest. His washing could wait – his game couldn’t. But then he noticed Ruth’s eyes pool with tears and her lip started to wobble so he moved from the sitting room sharpish.

  ‘Is it the reunion?’ Billy and Ruth were alone now, Ruth perched on the edge of the sofa, her jacket still on. Billy wasn’t sure if she’d opened the letter. He’d told her about it but she’d taken the envelope upstairs and only emerged when it was time to leave for her date. Billy couldn’t wait to catch up with everyone from school – Dom, Smithy, Tuck. Maybe Stephen would even fly over from New York. He wouldn’t normally as it was too expensive to travel over for just a party, but he might this time, it being their last chance to see their old school before it was flattened.

  But Billy knew it was different for Ruth. Her school days had been horrific and he couldn’t blame her for being upset at the prospect of seeing the bastards from her year again.

  ‘I’m not going.’ Ruth lifted her chin, decisive and determined, despite feeling like jelly inside. ‘I can’t go. Not without a boyfriend.’

  ‘But Gideon…’

  ‘… is not my boyfriend any more.’

  Oh. That explained the moodiness. Billy would be pretty miffed if he’d been binned by someone as repellent as Gideon too.

  ‘What happened?’

  Ruth pulled off her jacket and slung it on the back of the sofa before making herself more comfortable. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  Billy was relieved. He didn’t particularly want to talk about Gideon either. That he was no longer a part of Ruth’s life was enough for him.

  ‘Do you want to watch A Beginner’s Guide?’

  ‘But we’ve already seen it.’ A Beginner’s Guide To You was their favourite sitcom and they never missed an episode, watching it together every Thursday evening with some variety of giant confectionery.

  ‘When has that ever stopped us?’ Now on its third season, Billy and Ruth knew the first two seasons word for word. ‘And there’s a massive fruit and nut in the fridge.’

  ‘I’m not really in the mood. I’m having an early night.’

  As Ruth heaved herself off the sofa, Billy realised how bad she must be feeling. Ruth never turned down an opportunity to watch A Beginner’s Guide and she never ever rejected chocolate.

  Billy had known Ruth from as far back as his memory could take him. They’d grown up on the same street and Billy was best friends with her older brother, Stephen. The Lynch’s household became his second home and he spent the majority of his teenage years there, either holed up in Stephen’s bedroom or sitting at the table eating Mrs Lynch’s home-cooked food, which was far superior to the ready meals his father provided him with.

  After completing their A Levels, Billy and Stephen enrolled in the same university and moved into a house share in Woodgate, a ten-minute train ride away. 184 Oak Road was already occupied by Cosmo, a trainee chef with aspirations of opening his own restaurant one day. The three hit it off immediately and the house was constantly filled with fun, laughter, good food and beautiful women. The beautiful women flocked to the house because of Cosmo but Billy and Stephen got to eat amazing food night after night so they couldn’t grumble.

  When Ruth turned up on the doorstep, her face pink and scrunched up with tears because she’d been dumped by some boy (Ruth had always been vague on the details), Billy and Stephen had offered to beat the boy in question up and the idea was so ludicrous – Zack being sporty and well-built and Billy and Stephen being your typical computer geeks – it cheered Ruth up enough to smile and dry her eyes with her sleeve. She’d been crashing on the sofa for a few days when Ruth learned Cosmo was moving out in a week to live with his latest girlfriend. She begged, literally begged, Billy and Stephen to let her move into the third bedroom and because they couldn’t be bothered advertising for a new housemate, they agreed. Ruth applied for college in Woodgate and Cosmo helped her get a waitressing job at Café Katerina, the restaurant he was learning his trade in. The three lived together for a while until Stephen was offered a work experience position in New York and had shown such promise while over there that they offered him a twelve-month contract. Six years and several housemates later, Stephen was still in New York with his American wife and their three children.

  Numerous occupants had taken Stephen’s bedroom over the years, the first being Sindi, who lasted two months, as it transpired 184 Oak Road wasn’t nearly glamorous enough for her. Ray lasted three years until he got married, moved to Wrexham and now just exchanged Christmas cards with Ruth and Billy. Leah lived with them for a year, but she never really gelled with her housemates and as soon as she was promoted at work she moved into her own flat. Christmas cards were never exchanged. Polly was next, living with them for eighteen months until she went on holiday to Cyprus and was never seen again. Jess was the shortest occupant, lasting a mere three weeks before she caught Billy ‘fondling’ her underwear, an accusation Billy hotly denies to this day. Louise was a classic tale: moved in, got together with Billy, broke up, moved out.

  Billy and Theo worked together, and while they were complete opposites in both looks and personalities, if you put them in front of a computer, they were as nerdy as each other, so when Louise moved out and Theo was looking for a new place it was the obvious solution for Theo to take the third bedroom. Theo had been living with Ruth and Billy for almost two years now, mainly because they had no idea how to get rid of him.

  To: s.lynch

  From: billy.worth

  Subject: Reunion baby!

  Hi mate,

  How’s everything in NY? Have you heard about the reunion? Highmoor is getting ripped down so they’re having a massive reunion in August. Will you be able to make it? I’m looking forward to it, but obviously Ruth isn’t so much.

  Speaking of Ruth – great news. She isn’t with the prick Gideon any more. She’s upset about it (not good) but she’s better off without him. He’s a tosser and Ruth deserves better.

  Let me know about the reunion, yeah?

  To: billy.worth

  From: s.lynch

  Subject: Re: Reunion baby!

  Yep, heard about the reunion. Someone from the committee emailed me yesterday. Think I’m going to be able to make it. We were planning a trip during the summer anyway so works out well.

  Give Ruth a big hug from me. I only met Gideon once, when I was home last Christmas. You’re right – he is a tosser. Spoke to Ruth like shit and was so rude to Mum. Was going to say something, but Mum said not to, that I’d only make matters worse.

  Look after Ruth for me, will you?

  To: s.lynch

 
; From: billy.worth

  Subject: Re: Re: Reunion baby!

  You know I’ll look after her. She’s like a little sister to me.

  THREE

  Ruth

  The bus driver shrank back in his seat as I thundered onto the bus, thrusting my monthly bus ticket towards his petrified face. He didn’t even flick his eyes towards the expiry date in his eagerness to wave me past his little window. Nobody dared meet my eye as I stamped along the length of the bus, parking myself on the back seat where it was warmest. It was March and spring was supposed to be in the air but it seemed spring had abandoned me as well as Gideon and I was freezing in my floral tea dress. The fabric was thin and the sleeves short, and, although I was wearing a jacket, I may as well have been perched on an iceberg than the grubby back seat of the bus.

  I shoved my earphones in, pretending my roughness hadn’t hurt my delicate lobes, and turned the volume up on my iPod. Steps’ Greatest Hits blasted my brain, the beat and bells of the intro to ‘Tragedy’ cheering me like magic. Faye started to sing and I found myself smiling as she neared the chorus. I wouldn’t do the actions, I promise. Not in public.

  My lifted mood drooped as soon as I stepped off the bus and the ugly business park loomed ahead. H. Wood Vehicles was the largest building in the gloomy park, lined with smaller manufacturing units and a purpose-built gym at the entrance. I tugged at my earphones, wound them around the iPod and trudged towards H. Woods’ reception, dreading the next eight hours.