I closed my eyes as Billy disappeared but felt Jared jump to his feet.
‘I wish I could say it isn’t what it looks like,’ I said, attempting to inject a bit of humour into my voice.
‘And I wish I could say I didn’t feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.’
‘Jared. Wait.’ I reached out as I rose from my seat but Jared was already striding out of the room, refusing to look back as he left the house. I tried running after him but only made it as far as the garden gate as I was in nothing but a dressing gown and I wasn’t Bridget Jones.
Shit, shit, shit. How could I have stuffed this up so badly? I’m usually pretty good at driving men away, but it usually didn’t happen until we’d at least kissed or been on a date. I’d managed to offend Jared and given him the impression I was a bit of a bike in a matter of minutes. Well done, Ruth.
I ran back into the house, belted it up into the attic where Billy was perched on the bed, still clad only in his boxers (but at least he hadn’t removed them, I suppose).
‘Sorry about that. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, but everyone would have found out sooner or later.’
Would they? God, I hoped not.
‘Have you seen my phone?’ Choosing to forget the whole sleeping with Billy thing for the moment, I flew about the room, opening drawers and lifting pillows. I needed to speak to Jared and try to explain. Though how I would explain Billy when I didn’t understand myself, I had no idea. But I had to try. Jared liked me. Me!
Billy joined the search and I tried to avert my eyes from his almost naked body. The phone was finally located between the bed and the wall, wedged in tight.
‘I need to make a call downstairs. Why don’t you get dressed?’ I hoped I didn’t sound too abrupt but I didn’t have time to agonise over my words. I needed to speak to Jared, to let him know how I felt before it was too late. Jared had been through so much already and I didn’t want to add to any distress he may be feeling.
‘No.’ Jared’s phone went to voicemail but I tried again anyway, a couple more times just to be sure. He’d turned his phone off. He didn’t want to talk to me. What the hell did I do now? I couldn’t sit back and watch possibly the best relationship of my life pass by. Because it would have been a fantastic relationship. Jared and I were already close and I loved spending time with him. Imagine our friendship but more, much more.
‘Ruth?’ Fully dressed now, Billy found me in the sitting room, my head in my hands as I tried to figure out a way to right this mess. ‘What’s going on? Last night was amazing, but now…’ He shook his head, his features morphing into that of a puppy’s and I felt awful. Billy was one of my best friends and I didn’t want to hurt him, but what else could I do? Jared or no Jared, I didn’t want to be with Billy.
‘I’m sorry Billy, I really am, but last night was a mistake.’ There, I’d said it out loud. I’d kicked the puppy in the gut and there was no going back. ‘I know you think you have feelings for me -’
‘I don’t think I have feelings for you, Ruth. I know. They’re real and you can’t brush them under the carpet because you don’t feel the same. You don’t, do you?’ I shook my head, unable to look at Billy. How could I have done this to him? Selfish was already on my bad points list but it needed to be put in capital letters and bold. ‘You like him, don’t you?’
I didn’t need Billy to clarify who ‘him’ was so I nodded my head. ‘I’m in love with him.’
‘And you couldn’t have told me that last night?’ Billy’s question seemingly didn’t require an answer as he stormed out of the house, slamming the door as he went. I was hoping we could salvage our friendship after this whole debacle but it seemed unlikely from the thunderous look on Billy’s face as he left.
FORTY
Jared
Jared felt like the biggest dickhead as he drove home, kicking himself for putting himself back out there only to be crushed. It was the first time in years that he’d contemplated a new relationship, which was a massive step forward and his mother would be thrilled, but why couldn’t he have picked someone who was available? He’d just humiliated himself and in front of Ruth, his closest friend. How would this affect their friendship? Surely he’d trampled it beyond repair with his big gob. He knew Ruth had tried to phone him but he’d switched his phone off immediately, not able to face talking to her at the moment. He needed a bit of time to lick his wounds and figure out how to move forward from the mess he’d created.
He drove back to Woodgate, still without any answers, and pulled up outside his house to see Erin sitting on the doorstep. She was fiddling with her phone but dropped it into her handbag when she spotted Jared and leapt to her feet.
‘We need to talk.’
‘Do we?’ Jared wasn’t in the mood for talking, especially not with Erin. How dare she go around telling people he was gay? Who did she think she was?
‘Ruth phoned to tell me she’s stuffed everything up.’ She’d stuffed everything up? She hadn’t been the one declaring their feelings to someone already involved with another man. ‘I told her not to worry, that I’d sort everything out.’
‘That was kind of you. And how do you propose to do that? Do you have a time machine tucked away in your handbag?’ Jared unlocked the door and stepped into the foyer, hoping Erin wouldn’t follow him up to his flat but she did.
‘No, I don’t have a time machine. But I do have a bit of common sense.’ Really? That was news to Jared but he kept quiet. ‘And I also have the facts. Ruth did sleep with Billy.’ The thought jabbed at Jared’s insides and he flopped onto the sofa with a grimace. ‘But she doesn’t have feelings for him. She has feelings for you.’
Jared spluttered. ‘If she has feelings for me, why was she with her housemate last night?’
‘Don’t you know Ruth at all?’ Jared thought he knew her quite well but from the way Erin was glaring at him, he wasn’t so sure anymore. ‘She has told you about Zack, hasn’t she?’
‘Yes, but I fail to see what he has to do with last night.’
‘He has everything to do with last night. He’s the reason Ruth has settled for shitty boyfriend after shitty boyfriend. He made her feel so crap about herself that she thinks it’s ok to be treated like shit and she should be grateful that they would want to be with her.’
‘But what has that got to do with Billy?’ He’d always come across as a decent bloke to Jared.
Erin sighed, as though the answer was obvious. ‘Ruth pretends she’s confident, that she doesn’t care what people think, but she cares very much. Her self-esteem is beyond low and she’ll take any scrap of affection on offer. You only have to look at her ex, Gideon, to see that. The man was revolting and I swear he didn’t bathe for the duration of their relationship. He treated Ruth like crap and she put up with it because he was slightly interested in her.’ Jared was still bewildered. ‘Ruth doesn’t like Billy in that way, but she went along with it anyway because she thinks she should be grateful that any man would fancy her, whether she fancies him or not.’
Jared didn’t know what to make of the situation. On the one hand he hated to think of Ruth feeling so bad about herself but on the other he couldn’t stop the image of her and Billy from popping into his head. The sight of Billy in his tiny boxer shorts may one day make him laugh, but for the moment it filled his chest with hot rage.
‘Can I get you a coffee or anything?’ Jared needed a bit more time to ponder what Erin had said to him but wanted her close to hand in case he had any further questions – and they still had the matter of his outing to discuss.
‘Thanks. Coffee would be great.’
Jared still couldn’t get his head around the situation. It was difficult enough admitting he was ready to move on after Frances and the guilt that ensued without adding the complications of other lovers. Why couldn’t his life be simple? Why couldn’t he meet a woman he liked who liked him back so they could live happily ever after?
But perhaps it could be that simple if only Ja
red would allow it to be. If Ruth was able to take Billy out of the equation, why couldn’t he? Why had he run at the first bump in the road?
Because he was terrified. Terrified of getting hurt again. Perhaps he wasn’t as ready to move on as he thought he was.
Jared grabbed the coffees, his mind still in turmoil as he returned to the sitting room. Erin was fiddling with her phone once again.
‘Are you meant to be somewhere else?’ he asked, nodding at the phone.
Erin gave a wave of her hand. ‘Richie’s been chasing me for years. Making him wait will only keep him on his toes.’ She dropped the phone in her handbag and took the proffered cup of coffee. ‘Besides, I’m not leaving here until you agree to go back and talk to Ruth.’
‘I’m not sure I can agree to that quite so soon.’ Jared flopped onto the sofa and turned to Erin, who was already itching to retrieve her phone. ‘So I’m gay, huh?’
Jared thought Erin would look abashed but she simply gave a shrug of her shoulders. ‘What was I supposed to think? I made a move on you and you backed away, saying I wasn’t your type, which everyone knows is code for “I’m gay”.’
‘So you assumed I was gay because I knocked you back?’ The woman was incredible. ‘You do realise you’re the most arrogant person on earth, don’t you?’
‘I do.’ Erin took a sip of coffee. ‘And you do realise that if you let Ruth go, you’ll be the most moronic person on earth, don’t you?’
FORTY-ONE
Ruth
I was soaking in the bath when Mum and the others arrived back from their shopping trip, the sound of their chatter and laughter wafting up the stairs. I lowered myself further into the bubbly water to muffle out their happy sounds. I was in no mood for jolliness. I’d heard from neither Jared nor Billy since they’d stormed out of the house that morning and I wasn’t relishing the thought of the reunion that evening. What if I bumped into Billy? I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing the hurt on his face again and what if Stephen found out what had happened? I didn’t know who he’d blame most: Billy for sleeping with his sister or me for hurting his best friend.
I remained in the bath for as long as possible, my body wrinkled and cold, only emerging because Stephen and Aubrey had to get ready for the reunion too. Locking myself in the attic room, I pulled my new dress down from its hanger and held it in front of me. It was a strapless cobalt blue dress with a jewelled bodice and I’d felt fabulous when I’d tried it on in the shop, but I doubted I’d feel quite so special in it now.
Dumping the dress on the bed, I dried my hair and twisted it up on top of my head, leaving stray curls to frame my face. After applying my make-up, I slipped on the dress and my matching shoes and I had to admit the overall effect was pretty good. If only I felt it inside too. Finally, I emerged from the attic, plastering a smile on my face for my family’s benefit.
‘I’ll drop you off,’ Dad offered. ‘It’ll be like old times.’
I slid into the back seat with Aubrey, making sure I didn’t crumple my dress. Dad was about to set off when a figure flew at the car, waving like a maniac. My breath caught in my throat as I craned forward to see who it was, my first thought being Jared. I slumped back down with disappointment when I saw that it was Theo. In all the drama I’d forgotten I’d begged him to come along to play the part of my fake boyfriend.
‘Sorry I’m late. Train was delayed. Shove over, Ruth.’ Theo squeezed into the car, introducing himself to Aubrey with an outstretched hand and a wink.
Dad chuckled from the driver’s seat. ‘Are we expecting anybody else?’
I thought of Jared. ‘No. Nobody else.’
We set off for the school and pulled up a couple of minutes later. My stomach churned at the thought of seeing all my old classmates and I suddenly realised Erin was right – I didn’t have to be here. Why put myself through the torture?
‘I bet it feels weird being back here, huh?’ Aubrey looped her arm through mine and I had little choice but to scuttle along with her.
‘Very weird.’ And petrifying and nausea-inducing.
‘So what was Stephen like at school? I’m guessing he wasn’t a ladies’ man. More like a computer geek.’
I forced a smile while my insides looped around themselves. ‘That’s pretty much it.’
‘I take it Billy’s meeting us here.’ Aubrey turned to Stephen now and my insides tightened their knots.
‘I think so. I haven’t heard from him today. Have you, Ruth?’
I shook my head but couldn’t speak. It was almost a relief to step into the school hall, the sound of a thousand conversations engulfing me. I scanned the room, crammed with people of all ages, from pensioners to late teens, all saying goodbye to their former school and reacquainting themselves with old friends. I didn’t spot anyone I recognised and fresh hope surged through me. Perhaps the other people in my year wouldn’t come.
‘We’re going to get a drink,’ Stephen told me. ‘Do you want one?’
I nodded, still assessing the room. I couldn’t see a single familiar face but I didn’t dare hope it would remain that way for the entire evening. If only. Brad and Ryan, former and possibly present friends of Zack’s, were jostling through the crowds towards me and I dipped back, hiding behind a group of orange-tanned women before they caught sight of me. Who had I been kidding, thinking I could turn up at the reunion with my head held high? A decade had passed, but I was still the same Ruth, still destined to stick out and never be accepted for who I was.
And then I saw him, sticking out from the crowd like a sore thumb, his hair unruly and almost to Sideshow Bob standards. Billy spotted me too but he refused to meet my eye. At least his humiliation and possible heartbreak hadn’t driven him off a cliff or something equally as dramatic. Still, I had to talk to him. I’d hurt and embarrassed him and while I could never undo my actions, I could apologise until he believed how sorry I was.
‘Billy!’ I pushed my way through the crowded hall, my eyes on Billy at all times. He saw me moving towards him and began pushing his own way through the crowds only in the opposite direction to me. ‘Billy, please!’ I had to talk to him. I had to explain somehow. I had to fix our friendship, if that were even possible, but I couldn’t do that if Billy insisted on running away. ‘Billy!’ There was a pocket of space in the crowd and I surged forward, colliding with a body coming from my right.
‘Sorry. I was in a bit of a rush.’ I attempted to laugh the collision off but any mirth died in my throat when I looked at the person’s face. It was Sasha Bloom, the most popular girl in my year and she was as gorgeous as ever, still slim with waist-length blonde hair and flawless make-up.
‘Oh my God, it’s Ruth, isn’t it?’ I prepared myself for the names and for the laughter they would cause. Sasha had always been gifted at creating a guffawing crowd at my expense. ‘I’m glad I ran into you. I was hoping to see you here.’ Oh God, she’d been planning the ridiculing. I didn’t stand a chance. ‘I just wanted to say sorry for the way I treated you. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I was awful to you, we all were, but the thing is, I have a daughter now. She’s eight and like the most amazing person ever but she was bullied at school last year. It destroyed her confidence and we’re working to build it back up again but it made me think of you. I truly am sorry, Ruth.’
I waited for the punch line but it never came. She was being earnest. ‘Thank you, Sasha.’
Sasha gave a humble smile before she backed away and then she was gone. I appreciated her apology but it didn’t leave me with the feeling of triumph I always envisioned it would. I didn’t feel much at all, to be honest. It was refreshing to realise I no longer cared what Sasha Bloom thought of me. She wasn’t important, but Billy was. I scoured the crowds for him but he was no longer in sight. I turned around and barrelled into Zack.
Shit. I wasn’t expecting to do this now and not after I’d almost rammed him to the ground. ‘Hello, Zack.’
‘Hello.’ Zack narrowed his eyes as though trying
to place me but I saw the glint in his eye and the way they danced around the room, making sure nobody saw us conversing. Some things never changed – I was still fat and Zack was still an arsehole.
‘It’s Ruth.’
‘Ah, yes, Ruth. Of course.’ He bobbed his head up and down, eyebrows knotted. He was pretending he still didn’t recognise me. ‘We had… science together?’
‘Something like that.’ I really couldn’t be bothered having this conversation. I had more important things to see to and I realised then that even if I had managed to slim down to a size 10, Zack would still have been a wanker about the whole thing. He wouldn’t have regretted humiliating and hurting me, no matter what. ‘Anyway, it was nice to see you again.’ I flashed him my brightest smile to show I didn’t care about our past, even if it still rankled, and rejoined the crowds in pursuit of Billy. I didn’t have to look far as he appeared by my side.
‘Is that him? Do you want me to knock him out?’ He nodded towards Zack, who was flirting with a slim, blonde girl barely out of her teens.
I laughed, relieved that Billy still cared enough to get his arse kicked for me. ‘Are we going to be alright? Can we still be friends?’
‘I’m sure my embarrassment will fade enough for us to remain friends. Possibly even before we draw our pensions.’
I reached for Billy’s hand and gave it a squeeze. ‘I do care about you. A lot.’
‘Just not in the same way as I care about you.’
I shook my head and lowered my gaze to Billy’s shoes. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. You can’t help how you feel.’
‘But I can help how I act. I shouldn’t have…’ I couldn’t continue as an image of Billy and I together came to mind and my face burned brighter than the sun.
‘Perhaps not but it’s done now. Shall we forget about the whole thing?’ If only I could. Life would be simpler. But I nodded anyway. ‘How about a dance?’
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