Goodnight, Elsie

by Tony Apperley

  Frank decided to go and see Doctor Bailey on his own, as he had a favor to ask of him. The drive there took some time as the traffic was heavy, but it gave him time to think on things. One thing on his mind was whether or not he was still up to driving through heavy traffic; he was again feeling himself getting older. He wasn’t sure if he could be bothered with all the traffic when there was regular and reliable public transport available which would get him anywhere he wanted or needed to go within the city. He was thinking about maybe parking the car permanently. He didn’t use it very often lately, so wondered if he still actually needed it. Because the traffic flow had increased over the years, new roads had been constructed, and with the older roads changing, Frank thought it wasn’t as easy as it once was to get around the city. The local authorities thought they were doing well with the road changes but as he had lived in the district all his life, he didn’t like the new layouts. He was sure it was easier to get around the way the roads were when he was younger. Where the doctor was located, it once seemed not very far to go; now it was like a long haul to him. It wasn’t too far away from their home but there were lots of road layout changes since he and Elsie first went there over thirty years ago. They had become patients of Doctor Bailey purely because their previous doctor had retired so they were offered another within the same premises. They had randomly selected him when offered choices of who their new physician might be.

  As Frank sat in the waiting room, he was concentrating on what he was going ask Dr. Bailey; he wasn’t flicking through magazines like his wife would have done.

  Doctor Bailey appeared and seemed pleased to see Frank; he had hoped that he would come to see him. He smiled as he said, “hello Frank, come on through.” When Frank was seated, Doctor Bailey asked how he had been and what he could do for him, and how he was coping with the situation at home. He thought that was the reason why he had come to see him. When Frank began describing life at home, Doctor Bailey saw the strain in him. Considering Frank was older than Elsie, he was doing very well, but the doctor knew things couldn’t continue on that way too much longer, otherwise Frank would begin to suffer physically and may even suffer a heart attack or stroke, considering his age and the amount of stress he had to endure. Frank was generally healthy, but he did have a history of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, the doctor was aware of that, of course. This was also another reason he was concerned for him. With the daily stress of having to ensure Elsie took her medication, and at the right times and the right amounts, and considering his own body was getting older, Doctor Bailey knew it couldn’t go on this way too much longer. His previous suggestion of getting some professional daily help went unheeded, neither Frank nor Elsie had acted on that. He asked Frank if there was anything he could do to help in order to ease the strain on them both. Doctor Bailey was thinking along the lines of a referral to professional care-givers, daily home help, or Elsie going to a nursing home. He wasn’t at all comfortable with the way things were for them. He also thought Frank was becoming a little unstable lately; this was not the same Frank he had known for over twenty-five years. He thought it was just the stress putting pressure on his mind. He had seen similar cases where the one looking after another found it hard going.

  Frank looked directly into the eyes of Doctor Bailey, he knew why he was here and what the doctor could do to help. He then said with a stern expression and tone to ensure the doctor took him seriously, “you have the skills and medication that are necessary to end Elsie’s suffering if she wanted you to. You could send her on her way, in peace and without pain, and then all this would be over for her. You could release her from her suffering without any trauma; she would then be in a better place. Perhaps now you could turn your profession into compassion. It would be for her sake, not mine. It would be an easy task for you. I would be prepared to pay you for your help. All you would need to do is just give her a shot of something, then all this would be over, you would know how to do it properly. It wouldn’t have to be too soon, sometime in the future would suit. Or, if you preferred to, you could give it to me and I would administer it myself. I would definitely make it worth your while.” Frank was only putting it to him to see how his doctor would react; he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do but thought he needed to at least give it try. He needed to know how to proceed at some point in the future.

  Doctor Bailey responded coldly, “well, I’m not too sure whose sake it would be for, but I can’t do that Frank. For a start, it’s you asking me about this, not Elsie. It wouldn’t be helping either of you at all. I haven’t taken an oath, signed a contract, or made a commitment giving me legal permission or social authority to take a life; it’s not my duty or desire to end lives, I’m a healer, not a terminator. It’s not something I have ever done, nor is it something I ever will do. If you feel her life needs ending, then perhaps you also need help. There’s a lot of help available for you to make this easier for you both, so why take this path? If Elsie has asked you to end her life, then why ask me to do it? I’m sorry. I can’t do it. There are social, moral, and legal boundaries concerning what you ask, you know that. Please don’t tell me anymore. It’s not the sort of information I should have as I should be passing on what you just told me, but I’ll just let it go as if I haven’t heard what you said. But from now on, her prescriptions will be for smaller amounts, just enough to help her, not to cause her to make a fatal mistake.”

  Frank responded grimly, “can’t, or won’t do it? You could do it. You have the skills and the pharmaceuticals to end her life quickly and gently, so it’s not that you can’t do it, it’s that you won’t do it.”

  Doctor Bailey could tell Frank was stressed. “Doctors do indeed pull the plug on people sometimes; if life support is turned off, it’s for definite reasons where there has been consultation prior to doing it. It’s not a random or spontaneous act on the part of a physician. Everyone involved needs to be in agreement, but she’s not that sick, nowhere near that point. She can feed herself and she is comfortable at home. I know her mind and body are weaker than they were, but she’s not yet ready for death. She’s not in distress nor is she likely to be. You had better think through what you’re saying here. I understand your situation, but I won’t ever be a part of what you ask. Think more seriously about the alternatives, a nursing home for her, or get in some help, she’s not in need of being put down. I won’t do it Frank, not ever, that’s final.” Frank got up and left at that point. He felt like he had made a mistake raising the subject at this time with this doctor.

  He wondered about finding another doctor, perhaps there was one out there somewhere who was more understanding and who would be likely to help him. If there was, he had no idea how to find such a doctor, perhaps there weren’t any, so maybe a vet would help him. But there was no rush yet, he was just preparing for what may be necessary some day in the near future. Although he wished it wouldn’t ever be necessary.

  The drive home was annoying him, he really was sick of the traffic congestion; he felt if he’d taken the trip at a slightly different time, he would have missed the lunch hour chaos. Although, to most of the drivers, it was just normal traffic flow and nothing to be alarmed or annoyed about. He passed a bus going in the opposite direction and noted how full it was; he understood why they were all on a bus instead of driving cars. There was no stress or strain being a passenger on public transport, he really would look into that some more. And maybe instead of just parking his car, he could sell it, and then be free of its maintenance needs. He then realized that wouldn’t happen. He couldn’t really imagine a life without a car when he thought it through. The car was their lifeline to go shopping whenever they chose to, regardless of schedules or having to wait. It would also be handy to have in case Elsie had some issues that needed to be dealt with. When he arrived home and parked it, he was happy he had a car. No, he wouldn’t permanently park it or sell it.

  When he went inside the house, he was shocked at what he saw, the hous
e was mess. Elsie had been rearranging things but not in a logical way. Being unable to lift or carry too heavy a load, she had dragged things aside, then left them there. The table had been moved, with the chairs pushed against a wall, items from the pantry were scattered about, and the lounge was in disarray with both the TV and the radio on. He couldn’t see her anywhere, so went to look for her; she was asleep on the bed. He noticed the odd way she was lying, as if she’d gone to sleep in pain. When he looked at her, he was both concerned and annoyed, it seemed like he couldn’t even leave her on her own in her own home now. Although it was good to see that she had at least attempted to do something other than just reading or watching TV. Perhaps it really was time to get in some help, it may be the best option after all, as that would keep her safe and release him from the stress of being her caregiver, which he wasn’t overly good at. But he still wasn’t comfortable with the thought of having a stranger in his house, taking care of his home. He could still do that himself.

  He started tiding up the house when it occurred to him that he had been thinking some odd thoughts lately. He wondered if he was also in some sort of mental decline. Whereas once he would have done what was required in a situation, and done it quickly and efficiently, now he put off making decisions or doing anything other than what he was familiar with. He wasn’t suffering as Elsie was, but the stress he was under was taking its toll on him. Others saw that, but he couldn’t accept it. To him it was just the way things were, but life could be a lot easier and happier for them both if he did get some help. He had been given that same advice from several people, so perhaps it really was time to do it now. The other option was to move from here; the retirement village he had driven past was on his mind. They had medical staff on hand and there were people of a similar age and mindset there. He and Elsie could then just live out their days without too much pressure on them. There would be no stress over how her garden was as the village had a well-maintained flora area, maintained by others. Neither would there be a need to worry about house maintenance, the little villa they would live in was in good condition so didn’t need anything done to it. The thought of Elsie going into a medical rest home on her own bothered Frank, Elsie wouldn’t want that. She had mentioned several times to him not to let that happen. He understood why she didn’t want that, he wouldn’t want it either. So the village may indeed be the best option, but not yet, he wasn’t really up to moving anytime soon.

  Ivan’s words came back to him about seeking inner peace, but he couldn’t really grasp the meaning of what he had said. Frank thought about everyone else’s opinions, but none of them were in the same situation he was in, so they didn’t really understand what it was really like. So maybe God understood. If that was the case, then what Ivan had said may be right. He and Elsie had attended the church services as they thought that was what they were meant to do at Christmas and Easter. It occurred to him, while thinking of what Ivan had said, if they thought going to church was the right thing to do, then they must have some measure of faith. They had just never bothered to commit to the faith; but there was more to it than just living cleanly. But then, was living cleanly based on the world’s concepts of a clean life? If Jesus was indeed true, then he must have been a rebel in his day. He was internally questioning why they had lived their lives based on the Ten Commandments if they weren’t really following the spiritual path Ivan had mentioned. If they didn’t know God, or want to, had it all been a waste of time? He knew he had better make a choice about whether he believed and accepted God’s words or not, he felt it was time to choose which side of the fence he was on, but he wouldn’t hurry or stress about it. He would perhaps go and see Ivan and talk with him about it one day, but not just yet.

  The medical profession couldn’t cure her Alzheimer’s, and he had been told that in the long term it was fatal. She would not get better; she would slowly but progressively get worse. It would eventually kill her, unless she died of something else sooner. And as he was seventy-eight and not getting younger, it really was time to look at the afterlife. He had already been through all this before, but now he felt more serious about it. His father had died when he was just seventy-three, of a heart attack; his mother lived until she was eighty-one. If he followed her, then he wasn’t going to be around much longer. But his grandparents had lived until their mid-nineties; he could try following their path. The thought of ending it all was very prominent in his mind, overriding his other thoughts. It was becoming an obsession for him.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Several months had passed by and Elsie had not gone to the clinic. She had refused to go because she didn’t think she needed to. Frank had recently become more familiar with how to do Internet searches so had been researching dementia and other medical information on his computer, but he thought perhaps it was time to upgrade to a more modern one as his was very basic. He was impressed by Dave’s computer which could store far more information and worked much quicker than his, he thought he would like one of those. He had become fully immersed in the Internet research by now and he had being doing it all morning. He realized he had better go and check on Elsie so he went to see what she wanted for lunch. He called out several times to her but got no reply, he went looking but couldn’t find her anywhere in the house. He looked in each room and kept calling to her but still got no answer, the front door was open, and she was nowhere to be seen. He thought she must have gone out wandering the streets again, so he decided to go and look for her, in her current state it wasn’t good for her to be out and about alone anymore. He had learned that from doing his research.

  The last time he had seen her she was barefoot; he hoped she had put on some shoes. Walking barefoot along a pavement wouldn’t be good for her ankles. Often she was not in pain, so she failed to take care of herself. First he walked around the yard as he thought maybe she was doing something to her gardens, but she wasn’t out there. Because her confusion about where things were to be put away or other minor details had now progressed, and at times she was confused about where she was and what she was doing, he was worried in case she became alienated with her surroundings. Sometimes her confusion went along with some odd comments, as if she didn’t know which word to use in a sentence. He had also noticed that at times it seemed as if she felt like she couldn’t be bothered with life anymore. He thought about driving the streets to look for her but decided to walk; he could do with some exercise himself. He wished she would tell him before she out walking, this didn’t feel good. He was meant to be caring for her, but he didn’t know where she was or what she was doing. He doubted his own ability to look after her, he may just have to lock the doors now, but that felt wrong to him.

  Elsie had been enjoying a carefree time, aimlessly wandering down their street, then turned into a side street to see what was down that way. She noticed all the well-kept gardens and maintained lawns which she liked. One home had roses all along their driveway, starting with white blooms, then several pink bushes, and then bright red ones close to the house. The neighboring property had a similar array of blooms. They were Camilla’s, with bright green glossy leaves. The next property had a large lush Jacaranda tree, covered with purple flowers. There was a sweet fragrance in the air around her, which she enjoyed; it helped to lighten her mood.

  She had been down this way many times before, but now it all looked new to her. She felt a familiarity with her surroundings but not overly so. She was enjoying her walk, looking admiringly at all the well-maintained homes with their pretty flowers and shrubs. Because she no longer cared for her own garden because of her physical discomfort and confused state, she got enjoyment from looking at other people’s gardens. After casually strolling along for a while, she decided to cross to the other side of the street. She stood at the edge of the pavement for several minutes, feeling a little confused as to why she was there and where she was going. She looked left, then right, then left and right again, and then focused on the cars driving away from her. Her mind wasn’t r
eally focused on what she was doing; she was watching the cars as more of an interesting pastime than preparing to cross the road. After a time of watching the traffic drive away from her, she decided to cross over. She didn’t bother to turn and look at the approaching traffic; she just stepped out onto the road into the path of an oncoming car.

  The driver of the car had spotted Elsie from further down the street standing almost on the road, but hadn’t paid too much attention to her as that was normal for someone who was waiting to cross. But as she had gotten closer, she was shocked and upset as the woman she saw began stepping out onto the road in front of her. She noticed that Elsie failed to turn her head and was looking the wrong way so hadn’t noticed her driving toward her. She had very little time to try and avoid a serious accident but did the best she could in the short distance between her and Elsie. The driver braked hard and swerved, trying to avoid hitting the person in front of her, but there was not enough time or room to completely avoid her. There was not enough room as by now Elsie had taken several steps out onto the road, and was still moving, so the car couldn’t veer off too much as there was oncoming traffic to be avoided also. The car slowed quickly with the sound of squealing tires and had almost come to a complete stop, then it hit her. As the car had almost fully stopped, it hit her only very lightly, but it was enough to crack her lower leg and knock her down. As Elsie wasn’t watching what was approaching her, it all happened in an instant without warning. One moment she was standing on the road, then in an instant she was sore and lying on it. Elsie lay there on the road for a moment, feeling hurt and confused, she then lapsed into unconsciousness. The impact of her head hitting the ground had caused a concussion. Plus, with her confused mind, it was all very bewildering for her, during the few moments she laid there before lapsing into unconsciousness.