by K. S. Thomas
I rake my hands through my hair before I run them over my face, groaning loudly with frustration. “You’re doing it again! You said you wouldn’t do it, Pop.”
He chuckles quietly, adding insult to injury. “Sorry. I’ll try to cut to the chase. Even though I sense you still have more to tell, I’m fairly confident I know where this is going.”
I splay the fingers still covering my eyes and glare at him skeptically. “Okay?”
“You’re in love with her.”
Holy shit. That is the last time I ask him to skip all his verbal foreplay. Cut to chase is apparently a lot like punch in the gut. I don’t care for it.
“That’s...that’s not...no.” But my fucking stammering isn’t exactly the solid argument I’m hoping to make.
“Oh, no. I know that’s not the advice you’re here for. You already know you’re in love with her. You want to know what to do about it.” He’s got his elbows resting on his knees, fingertips coming together in the center like a finger hut with a faulty roof, the way he keeps tapping and releasing them.
I should say something. Respond in some way. Only, I’ve got nothing. I can’t nod and agree. Can’t tell him he’s fucking crazy either. All I can do is sit here and take whatever he dishes out. Because like an idiot, I asked for it.
“Falling in love sucks, Penn.”
What?
“It will likely lead to the worst, most horrific pain you’ll ever feel in your entire life. Love has the power to completely destroy you. Take you out. Turn you into someone you don’t even recognize. Don’t want to be. Can’t fucking stand.” He’s serious. Dead serious. And he’s confirming every thought I’ve ever had from the time I was six and first became aware of love’s repercussions.
“Penn, falling in love...it’s not for pussies.”
I replay his last words in my mind. “Wait, are you calling me a pussy?”
He watches me for a long moment, same stern and almost angry expression on his face. Then, as unexpected as his speech was, a smirk creeps in and takes over. “No.”
He doesn’t seem to have plans to elaborate beyond this because he reaches for his old-ass book again and starts reading while I’m still sitting here, gaping at him like an idiot. The bastard got me again.
“You didn’t really mean all of the stuff you said about love, did you?”
“I did,” he answers, but his eyes never leave the page.
“If you hate love so much, why do I feel like you’re telling me to go for it anyway?”
He raises his gaze to meet mine. “I don’t hate love. I hate losing it. And that’s the only truth worth shit right now, Penn.”
Chapter Ten
Trix
I must have made a noise expressing my pain and dissatisfaction because Nat just tugged at my sleeve to get my attention.
“What’s wrong?”
“Penn wants to do dinner tonight.” It shouldn’t be a big deal. We eat dinner together all the time. He probably just wants to go to the Taco Shack anyway. It’s Tuesday, Taquito Tuesday to be more specific, Penn’s favorite night of the week. And if I hadn’t acted like such a complete idiot last night and this morning my stomach would be rumbling just thinking about it. Instead, there’s a swirling twister in my gut and it’s flipping my insides in a way that makes me want to hurl all over the place.
“Geeze. Lunch yesterday. Dinner today. It’s like he enjoys spending time with you or something.” She smirks. “Come on, you said it yourself, you’ve seen each other through everything and you both still always show up the next day to be there for more. Whatever happened between you guys last night, whatever you felt or thought you felt...you’re not going to lose him because of it.”
“I know that.” I think I know that. “It’s just...he kinda wanted to talk earlier and I ran out before he had a chance to press the issue. Dinner is just his way of pinning me down and making me explain myself. Even if it’s just for the sake of making me squirm in humiliation while he watches me like I’m his favorite form of entertainment.”
Nat eyes the folders in her hand and tips her head back and forth from shoulder to shoulder. “Want me to give you a reason to miss dinner?”
It’s Taquito Tuesday. So, no, I really don’t. “Oh, hey! What if you come with?”
“So Penn and I can both watch you like you’re our favorite form of entertainment?” She’s not even trying not to laugh at me.
“I’m starting to see why I feel so uncharacteristically comfortable with you.” I conjure up the most scathing look I’m capable of and send it her way before turning on my heel and heading for the office to finish up there.
By the time I get home I’ve had plenty of opportunities to work myself into a mild frenzy and less sense than I needed to talk myself out of it again. So, I’m kind of a wreck when I open the door which Penn notices at once when I skip walking in and just sort of fall face first into the foyer.
I swear out loud. Even if I can’t hear my own voice, there’s still something satisfying about yelling ‘fuck’ when I’ve got a throbbing pain in my knee from where it hit the floor.
Penn is down beside me almost instantly.
“I thought we talked about not boozing at work.” His entire face is blank except for his eyes. They’re flashing wildly with sheer delight.
“Is this the kind of care and concern you show when you arrive on the scene of every accident, or just the minor ones in our foyer involving me?”
He grins and I instantly regret having engaged. “You should have said you wanted the royal firefighter treatment. I can do that. No problem.” And before I can stop him, his arms are looped under my legs and around my back and he’s lifting me from the floor and carrying me into the living room.
Neither of us says anything. His hands are tied up and mine don’t want to move anymore. But for every step he takes with me stuck up here in his arms, I’m keeping a million and one thoughts internalized. Like how I want to tell him he’s being ridiculous. Or, how I want to tell myself to stop being such a girl. This is not romantic. It’s embarrassing. Which is why I’m blushing now. Unless of course I’m blushing because I’m such a girl that I’m just blushing for the sake of blushing.
As soon as he sets me down on the sofa he proceeds to stretch out my legs and dramatically moves each one in slow motion, making sure in the most elaborate way possible that nothing is broken.
“What are you doing?”
He carefully places my foot back onto the cushion. “Trying to decide the best way to get you into a more compromising position without you noticing so I can either have my way with you or blackmail you into telling me what the hell is going on with you.”
I gasp. Not because his words shock me, but because my own reaction to them does when I realize I’m leaning toward the first. Then I remember the sobering conclusion I came to just a few short hours ago whilst rambling on to Nat.
“Nothing is going on with me. I’ve only been home for a week, I’ve got a brand new job and I’m just trying to find my groove again.” I cross my legs for added safety measures since he’s still sort of looming over me. “Plus, I’ve got a thing for a guy who’s completely out of my reach, which you so kindly pointed out makes him just my type, and I’m thinking that maybe that’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “So, I’m thinking you need to hook me up with someone. Like, a for real someone.”
He scowls. “Hot doctor is really getting under your skin, huh?”
“Hot doctor?” Oh, right. My boss. Wasn’t thinking about him just then. “Yeah. That’s who I was talking about. Anyway, what do you say? Think Tony would be interested?”
He straightens out abruptly. “No.”
Not gonna lie. That stung a bit. “No? What about that Dinkins guy? He’s kinda cute.”
Penn shakes his head. “No, Trix. I’m not fucking setting you up. And not because they wouldn’t be interested. Hell, they’d come crashing through the front door if I told
them you were looking for a date.”
I get to my feet as well. “Then why the hell not?”
His amber eyes turn dark and his glare shifts from angry to something else. Something more intense and almost scary. He takes a step toward me until his body brushes against mine, leaning into me until I actually stop breathing. All at once I can feel the heat rising through me, making me feel flushed and lightheaded. Parts of me begin to ache in ways that make me want to scream because the overwhelming need for some sense of relief is already maddening, only I can’t. Because I still can’t breathe. I can’t utter a word. I can’t even freaking whimper.
Penn’s gaze travels the length of my body, starting at my toes and slowly working their way up, devouring me in a way I’ve never experienced from him before. He hovers at my collarbone, and his tongue slicks over his bottom lip as his eyes move up to my mouth in torturous slow motion.
Just when I think I’m about to lose my shit completely, he moves in closer, eyes still locked on my mouth.
“That’s why the hell not.”
I watch painfully as his tongue disappears back into his mouth, curling his lip in with it where he tucks it under his teeth, biting down hard before he closes his eyes and turns away completely.
Penn
I’ve been sitting on my bed, head in my hands staring down at the floor for probably thirty minutes now. I can’t move. Not true. I’m forcing myself not to move, because if I do, if I get up and start putting one foot in front of the other, they will only take me straight back to her. And this time, I don’t think I’d be able to turn away from her again.
I don’t even know what the fuck happened. I’ve always been attracted to her, there’s no denying that, but something fucking snapped inside me the second she started in on me about wanting to be set up with one of my guys. I’m not some asshole who thinks it’s okay to treat a girl like she’s a thing he can possess in some way, I don’t own her. But Goddamn it, she belongs to me. With me. And I’ll be fighting every layer of hell before I ever hand her over to another man willingly.
The creak of my door opening jars me from my thoughts and I lift my head without thinking, without registering that there’s only one plausible reason my door is opening and one person who could possibly be standing in front of me when it does.
“We need to talk.”
I snort. “Tried that. I don’t think it went so well.”
Her mouth opens and her lower lip quivers before she presses it shut again, forcing it into stillness. She’s nervous. Crazy nervous like I’ve never seen her before. Trix has a poker face even I can’t always see through, but she’s not putting up a front now. She’s just here. Honest. Open. Vulnerable.
Pain sears through my chest and I know in an instant I’ll never be able to live with myself if I hurt her.
“Actually, I think it pretty much summed up what’s happening between us,” she says, venturing a step into my room. “When I left here this morning, I was having the most ludicrous thoughts about us maybe being more than we are. And, I think maybe you were having them too. But, after I had some time to think about everything, to really digest what happened, I realized that’s all they were. Insane, far-fetched ideas spawned by loneliness and a misguided sense of familiarity.”
Her words hit me like a brick to the gut. I don’t want to be the guy she thinks she settles for because it’s comfortable. That’s not who I am to her. That’s not who I’ve ever been. I’m about to remind her of the difference between boring familiarity and the mind melting heat that raged between us less than an hour ago when she continues.
“You’re my best friend, Penn. You mean...everything.” Her hands stop moving and my eyes automatically travel up to meet hers. It’s the first time I’ve looked into them since I broke away from her earlier. They’re glossy and the piercing teal that usually flares with wild curiosity and a bold sense of self is so pale it’s almost clear. For the first time since I’ve known her, I feel like I can see straight through them. She’s scared.
I’m an asshole. Never once have I given her any reason to believe that I could be a halfway decent man. That I could handle her heart with the care and kindness it deserves. I’ve spent years preaching to her about the way a man should treat her and not even once has she seen me treat a woman that way. How many times have I told her what type of guy would be right for her without ever showing her that I could be that guy?
I exhale loudly, groaning from the physical pain this is causing in my chest.
I should tell her she has nothing to worry about. I should say that I can be her best friend. And nothing more. That I was wrong. That she was right. Only I can’t fucking do it. I can’t say anything to ease her fears unless I lie. And I can’t lie. Not to her. Not about this. Not anymore.
Slowly I get to my feet to face her at eye level.
“I am your best friend, Trix. Nothing will ever change that. But you can’t stand here and tell me that I’m everything to you two seconds after you’ve told me being with me would be no more than desperate desire spawned from comfort and loneliness. That doesn’t make me everything. That makes me shit.”
She raises her hands to speak, but I take them in mine before she can use them. Then, I say the words I have left to say out loud, moving my lips carefully and pronouncing every word so she understands the undeniable truth in them and what I’m telling her.
“Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m everything. I just don’t think you know it yet. But I’m going to show you. I have to. Because you’re everything.”
Then I lean into her and place my lips on the top of her head, pressing a kiss into her hair.
I release one of her hands but keep the other in mine, turning it over and lacing my fingers through hers.
“Come on. It’s getting late and I still want some Taquitos before Lupe runs out.”
She gives me a bewildered glance, but falls into step behind me regardless.
Dinner is fairly uneventful. It’s uncharacteristically slow for a Tuesday, but that only means Lupe has more time to visit with Trix, and tonight, that’s a good thing. I’m not worried about our little chat today causing any awkwardness between us. We’ve seen each other through too much to let a little something like falling for each other screw things up. Mostly I just know we’re not ready to continue on with the conversation about us, and Trix doesn’t have it in her to just let things simmer and settle. She has to push it. Analyze it. Dissect every little detail. And that’s just not going to work this time. I’m hoping a little distraction from Lupe will go a long way tonight.
By the time she ditches us to handle a kitchen crisis, we’re already done eating and I can easily go straight from dropping Trix off at the house to keep driving to work. I got a text halfway through dinner asking me to come in. One of the guys was injured earlier and they need someone to fill in overnight. I think I said yes before I was even asked. Right now the prospect of picking up a call and running full speed into a fire seems safer somehow than downtime with Trix.
The drive is easy. No eye contact means no talking. Or, at least, it’s supposed to.
“Giving me the silent treatment?” Her soft voice with its slight rasp sends instant shivers down my spine. I’m never sure if I’m relieved or disappointed she doesn’t choose to use it more often. It’s sexy as hell and such a complete contradiction to her awkward sweetness with its raw and slightly dirty throatiness. Which only makes the complete package that much more enticing.
I wait until we’re at a red light to respond.
“I’ve been talking to you all evening.”
Her lips pull right and her head tips toward her shoulder to give me a sideways look of disbelief.
“You’ve been talking. Sure. But you haven’t said anything since we left the house.”
I laugh. “That’s because I said plenty before we took off. I don’t have anything else to tell you. So, don’t pry. Don’t question. Don’t turn it into a full blown psyche evaluation.”
<
br /> This time her perfect mouth comes together in a tight scrunch while she pouts. “Have you met me?”
“Clearly. That’s why the specific instructions to just let it be for now.” The light turns and I have to put my hands back onto the steering wheel and my eyes back on the road. Thankfully we’re almost back at the house.
As soon as we pull into the driveway, I shift into park and turn toward her. I’m shooting for a fast exit.
“There’s ice cream in the freezer. Go download some cheesy romance novel onto your Kindle and stuff your face. A couple of hours into reading someone else’s drama and I swear you and I won’t seem nearly as complicated as you think we are.” I reach for the braid she has draped over her shoulder as usual and tug it gently in my direction until she’s close enough for me to graze my lips against her soft cheek. Much to my own satisfaction, her skin flushes red where my mouth touched her and she hurries out of the car without saying anything else.
Chapter Eleven
Trix
I miss Bo tonight. I miss him every night really, but it’s a quiet, constant missing I’ve come to live with and accept as my day in and day out. Tonight is different. All of this stuff jamming its way to the surface between Penn and I, it’s confusing as hell. I need my voice of reason. The referee who always knew how to balance our personalities and was able to fill in the empty spaces we purposely left in our conversations.
We’ve gotten better of course, Penn and I. We had to. But this is uncharted territory and I would give just about anything to have my brother here to help me navigate it. Although, I can’t help but think that if Bo were still here it would never have come to this. We’d never be this close. We’d have had no reason to be.
More icky feelings swirl in with the mix of confused, scared and stupid giddy I was already fighting and I decide it’s time to take Penn’s advice. After all, he’s the only one giving me any these days.