by K. S. Thomas
Nights like tonight make me question...everything. They make me wonder why I bother getting out of bed every day. Why I bother stopping at red lights. Why I bother to keep from slitting my wrists or taking a hair dryer into the shower.
Five years old. No car seat. No tomorrow. No first grade. No first kiss. No future. Nothing. Just like that.
When Bo died on the side of the road, alone and after waiting for who knew how long to be found and possibly saved, I’d sworn to myself that I would make right what I fucked up that night. I hadn’t been there for him, but damn it, I would always be first at the scene and I would always remember to look for those that couldn’t be seen. And I have. More times than I can count, I thought to search the ditch. I remembered to check the closet. To look under the bed. To move beyond the affected area and find those who wound up separated and lost in the midst of turmoil and disaster.
But not tonight. Tonight I failed. I failed that little boy. I failed his parents. And fuck me because I failed Bo all over again.
“Come back.” The sound of her voice pulls me right to her. If only there was a way to explain to her the power she holds over me every time she opens her mouth. But I don’t try. I just nod and focus my eyes on hers.
Somehow we’ve made it back to her room. We’re both still soaking wet, but drying off couldn’t be less important to me than it is right at this moment.
Her arms wrap around me tightly, fingertips pressing into my back and the top of my neck. Eyes still wide open, her lips crush mine, her tongue plunging into my mouth and pushing every other thought to the back of my mind the way it’s twisting and curling itself around mine. She’s holding me, molding her body against me, skin on bare-ass skin, there’s no more thinking. There’s just this. Here. Now. Us.
I’m not happy or sad. I’m alive in all its beautiful tragic glory. I’m alive. And when I’m with her...I know I want to stay that way.
My hand tangles itself into her thick blonde hair and for the first time I realize how short it is. I can feel her moan against my mouth. I’m so consumed by her kiss alone, her tongue swirling into mine, her teeth nipping at my lip, sucking on it, she’s about to drive me completely insane with that mouth - that sexy as hell mouth – and I have no intentions of stopping her.
Stumbling backwards, she falls onto her bed, taking me down with her. Nothing compares to how this feels, covering her entire being with my body. Having her cocooned against my chest, my arms safely on either side of her like they’re some sort of barriers against the outside world and anything that could ever hurt her. Not like she ever lets me protect her. From anything. But in these moments, when we’re like this, it satisfies an animalist instinct deep within my core knowing my body is there to shield her from harm.
Her lips continue to dance over mine, an increasing desperation in the intensity of the way they move. It’s like she’s dragging every last hurt out of my soul the way she’s kissing me. Touching me. Urging me to get inside her. And I want to. God I want to. And I will. I just need a moment. A second to savor this feeling. To acknowledge this decision. Because this won’t be some mindless fuck to cure what ails me. I’m going to make love to her. Truly make love to her. And she’s going to know it. Tonight. Tomorrow. And every day after, we’ll both know it. And there’s no telling yet whether or not either of us will be able to live with the aftermath of that knowledge or this night.
Chapter Twenty
Trix
I can feel the rhythm of his heartbeat. Seems like we’ve been lying like this forever, in the dark, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me. Neither of us has said much of anything since he showed up. I’m still struggling to get my head aligned with my heart about what happened between us. Forget about my body. It’s not even in the running anymore. It’s off somewhere else, in some alternate dimension of pleasure, lingering in the euphoric effects being with Penn tend to bring on.
Everything is different now. And not just because I kissed Penn. Except, I kissed Penn. A lot. Over and over. And over again. And I liked it. No. I fucking loved it. Every last tug of his tongue against mine. Every rake of teeth over my lips. Every moan that moved from his mouth through mine before it traveled to the depths of my soul, sending an all-consuming thrill through every fiber of my being. I loved it. I knew I would. I did the last time he kissed me. I loved it so much I swore to myself I would never let him kiss me like that again. Ever. Because loving being kissed by him, that much in that way, could only mean one thing. And that one thing just wasn’t an option. Then. Where we stand with it now, I have no clue.
I mean, back then, I’d thought I was this stupid girl who’d done the dumbest thing possible and fallen for the one guy on earth she knew she could never have, because no one ever would. Penn didn’t want to be had. He wanted to be free. Wanted to have as many as he possibly could. But now, I can’t help but acknowledge the fact that I wasn’t the only one doing the kissing last night. And while sex between us has always felt more intimate and intense than it does with anyone else, last night was on a completely different level.
It didn’t feel like we were using each other to escape. We weren’t distracting each other with physical pleasure that only ran skin deep. It was more. So much more.
His fingertips are tracing words onto the bare skin of my back. My mind randomly tunes in to pick up every other one or so. It takes me a while to register that they’re not just isolated words, but sentences. Home, here, you and promise, have my full attention.
Fighting my body’s desire to stay put and never untangle myself from the guy who holds so much more than he could possibly know wrapped up in those strong arms of his, I scoot across his chest sideways until I can reach the lamp beside the bed without having to actually break contact.
Penn blinks several times adjusting to the unexpected light and I feel his hold on me tighten as if he’s anticipating my getting up. I’m not going anywhere.
Still sprawled out over his body, I prop myself up on his chest. “Are you back? For good?”
He’s smiling. A good sign. Then his arms unlock their grip on me, causing me to whimper internally, and he answers, “I hope that’s okay.” It’s not like I ever asked him to move out, but I can see where he got the impression I wasn’t too keen on sharing my space with him anymore.
“Of course it’s okay. It’s your house too. Besides, I’ve missed you. Taking a shower isn’t nearly as exciting when there isn’t any anticipation about what I might find written on the mirror when I get out.” I smirk, trying to make light of a conversation I know will turn serious in no time.
He dips his head toward his shoulder and gives me a sideways glance. “That all you missed about me, Trix?”
Of course not.
“You know it isn’t. You’ve filled every second of every day of the last nine years, Penn. You really think I could go two weeks without you and not find a gaping hole at the center of my universe?”
“But I didn’t create the gaping hole. Bo did. I’ve just been a filler. I can’t be the filler anymore.”
I nod, sitting up. “I know.”
“Okay.” An odd, sort of defeated expression shadows his beautiful face and he begins to shift beside me as though he plans to get out of bed. I’m nowhere near ready for him to leave yet.
“I know...that you think that. And you’re right, about some of it. But not all of it. You’ve never been the filler. I never used you to stuff up the empty space Bo left in my life. You and I, we moved forward without him and we built our own world. A new one. For the two of us. When you leave it, the space you leave behind is yours and only you can fill it.” I pause, trying to formulate the rest of my thoughts before I put them into words. “The empty space Bo left behind isn’t for you to fill, Penn. It’s for me to mend. I understand that now. And, I’m working on it, but it’s going to take some time.” A long, shaky breath filled with emotions I can barely keep in check escapes me. “I’m a mess. Shrink told me so when I went to see her last
week. Twice.” I grin a lopsided grin in spite of the teardrop now rolling down my cheek. “Gotta start somewhere, right?”
“True.” He softly swipes at my tear with his thumb. “But where do you think it will end?”
I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. I meant what I said the other night. I said it wrong, but I was right to say it. I know you think you need to take care of me because Bo isn’t here to do it, but the truth is, Bo was never going to see me through college, or a career or any other aspect of maneuvering the world on my own as an adult. He was taking off right after graduation. Going to school on the other side of the country. You and I both know, he had no plans of ever coming back here. Not even for me.”
“That’s different,” he interjects.
“Why?”
“Because, if Bo hadn’t died, you would be a completely different person. Losing him stripped you of your confidence. Before he died, you were fearless. You didn’t hide behind being deaf, you didn’t use it to keep people at a distance. Hell, you were as much in denial over that shit as your parents were by the time we graduated. And you could be. Because you had Bo. And in your warbled little mind, he made you just like everyone else because you two were a set. Then he died and all the things about him you used to offset the things you didn’t like about yourself died with him. You stopped talking as much. Started to pretend to get confused when reading lips and next thing you know, all you’re doing is signing anymore which pretty much cuts out the rest of the world you’re living in.” he pauses. I know this must be killing him, it’s certainly a breathtaking blow for me. “Except me. I was still in it. I was the lone survivor in your attempts to wash away the world because I couldn’t be shut out or politely ignored.”
Cold air hits my side and I realize I’m sitting straight up in bed, no longer touching him at all.
“And what? You got stuck being my caregiver? Because I’m the poor, lonely deaf girl who’s too scared and too shy to hack it in life without you?”
Penn scowls. “Are you out of your goddamned mind? That’s not what I said at all. I merely pointed out that one scenario didn’t apply to the other. And saying that you lost your confidence is not the same as saying you lost your competence! I know you are more than capable of handling whatever life throws at you. You’re so fucking capable you go out looking for extra shit to catch. In fucking jungles with people flinging explosives at you of all fucking places. All I ever wanted was to be there to take care of you after you caught whatever was coming your way so you could go back out and catch more. ”
Hot tears are rolling down my cheeks. If this is his idea of love, he can keep it. I’ve never wanted to be anybody’s burden. Some trap he landed in all those years ago and can’t get out of because he’s consumed by guilt and obligation.
“I don’t need you to take care of me. I don’t need you to do anything for me. And if that’s the only reason you stick around, you can just leave right now.”
He frowns, shaking his head. “Jesus, Trix. You’re not getting it. I know you don’t need me. This has nothing to do with what you need. It’s what I need. I need to take care of you. I need to take care of you the way I need to breathe. The way I need to be there to see you smile and the way I need to be the one to wipe your tears when you don’t. The way I need to push you when you’re ready to jump and catch you when you fall. And if what you wanted from me, was to let you go, Trix, I would do it. I would walk out right now and never look back, because I need to give you what you want. It’s not in me not to. Because I love you.” He stops, an unnerving stare loaded with feelings so big and so overwhelming I can barely hold it. “And you love me the exact same way, Trix. So stop looking for reasons to push me away. It’s self-destructive and your shrink will definitely not approve.”
“You love me.” I’m not asking. I’m just checking to see if I find this more believable coming from me than him. I don’t. Until he smiles.
“I love you.”
He loves me.
“And?” He cocks an eye brow waiting for me to go on.
“And...I love you.”
He nods. “Yes, you do.” And then he’s kissing me and everything I thought was so confusing suddenly becomes crystal clear. I love him. He loves me. And...I’m happy.
The next morning, I’m a little put off when I wake up clutching my pillow instead of Penn. I’m about to decide whether this means anything alarming or not when the door swings open and he’s standing there, smug satisfaction all over his face.
“Somebody looks like they got properly worked over last night.”
I sit up, not bothering to act modest anymore. That all went to hell after we did it on the dryer anyway.
“Don’t recognize your own handiwork? Or just fishing for compliments?”
A wicked grin smooths over his mouth. His very kissable mouth. “Oh, I recognize it alright. I was just admiring the results.”
I toss a pillow at him and miss. “Not that it matters, because I don’t feel the need to gloat about my sex skills, but you’re looking slightly unhinged yourself this morning.”
“How is my looking unhinged in any way a reason for you to gloat about your sex skills?” He’s still grinning from ear to ear though so I know I have plenty to gloat about.
“Um, because clearly what I delivered last night left your mind completely blown.” I widen my eyes dramatically and mimic an explosion with my hands.
He laughs. Then, he turns serious and I think maybe he’s about to take back all the things he said last night and blame them on whatever triggered his episode to begin with. I also remind myself that he said not to be self-destructive because my shrink won’t approve.
“Trix, you always leave me with my mind blown.” He winks and begins to turn toward the hall, stopping halfway. “Now get your ass up. I’ve got the weekend off and I want to go do something fun. With you.”
“I don’t know. I thought we already did something pretty fun right here. In bed.”
He comes back toward the bed, leans over me and kisses me so long and so hard I don’t think I ever want to get out of bed again.
“Trust me, we’ll be back here soon enough.”
We better.
Penn
By the time Sunday night rolls around I can barely feel my face anymore. It’s gone numb. From smiling. I can’t help it. I’m that kind of happy. And it’s terrifying because I know that my father was this kind of happy once. And the other side of this kind of happy is devastating.
But that was him. That was my mother. This is me. And Trix. And she’s perfectly healthy. And she and I have endured enough hell to last us a lifetime. So, this, this is our happily ever after. We fought for it. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to hold onto it.
I kiss the top of her head. I love the way I can do that anytime I want when she lies on my chest. There’s actually a lot of new things I get to do anytime I want now that I love. And I intend to do them often.
I unlink my fingers from hers. “I want to dig up the time capsule.”
Her head moves slightly. After a second of thinking it through, she begins to sign.
“It’s not time yet.”
I sit up, taking her with me so we can face each other.
“I know. But, I think it would be good for us.”
She clearly disagrees but is torn between her own feelings and a desire not to shut me down. “We’re so close. Just one more year and we’ll have finished what we set out to do.”
I narrow my eyes in mock suspicion. “Did you put something in there you don’t want me to see now that we’re all about getting naked together for fun?”
She punches me in the shoulder and it’s not nearly as playful as she’s trying to pretend. “No, jackass. I have nothing in there I need to be ashamed of. But I’m a little scared of what you put in. If memory serves me right you implied having murdered a little person and chopping him into bits before tossing him into the box.”
I laugh. “Actually, you
implied that. Or, wrongly concluded would be more accurate.”
“What about the letter? We all wrote each other letters, remember? What if eighteen year old you wrote something horrible in that letter to me? Huh?”
I curl my hand around the back of her neck and bring her to me, crushing her mouth with mine. I’ve never known anyone so damn cute.
“Trust me, Trix. I remember exactly what I put in that letter. Eighteen year old me would probably surprise the hell out of you.”
She watches me thoughtfully before she responds. “Can he wait to surprise me one more year? Please? I know it’s silly...Bo’s not even going to be there so the pact has been broken either way...I just...it’s the last promise I made him. I want to keep it.”
I kiss her again. Softly this time. My arms move around her, wrapping her up as if it’s what they were always intended to do. My hands roam her silky smooth skin. I’m still using them to talk to her. I’m just not signing anymore. She understands me either way.
I get it.
I agree.
We’ll wait.
We’ll keep the pact.
Chapter Twenty-One
Trix
“You look uncharacteristically giddy this morning. What happened? Did you find the leprechaun in your Lucky Charms and eat him?” Even as I’m giving Nat a hard time, I fall into routine beside her, prepping the room for our first procedure of the day.
She grins. “Amber finally decided to let go of the boyfriend. What’s your excuse?”
I grin right back at her. “Penn came home.”
She stops what she’s doing completely and turns toward me all the way. “And?”
“And...we talked. A lot.”
She rolls her eyes into the back of her skull and back. “Good God, woman. Please tell me you two did more than just talk after the drama of the last month.”