The words sit in the air as if someone else said them. Give it to me. I want to laugh, but at the same time I’m filled with a kind of irrational certainty. It’s as if Tyme’s End itself is telling me something.
Give Tyme’s End to me.
And for a brief, clear moment, I know – absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt – that he will.
.
.
IV
.
.
Oliver looks at me, and his eyes widen. He stands up slowly and starts to laugh.
‘I’m serious,’ I say.
He’s still laughing, but there’s a funny constricted note in his voice. ‘I can’t, Bibi. I’d love to but I can’t.’
‘Why not? You don’t need the money, or you wouldn’t have left it ten years and let it end up like this. Please –’ I sound like a five-year-old begging for sweets. ‘It’s the only place I feel at home. Please. I love it. You don’t want it. Please.’
For an odd, weightless moment I wait for him to agree. He puts his hands in his pockets and turns to look at Tyme’s End. It’s as if he can see someone there.
Then, without moving his eyes, he says, ‘What do you know about H. J. Martin?’
At first I think it’s a rhetorical question, until he turns to look at me. His expression doesn’t give anything away.
‘What?’ There’s a pause. ‘About H. J. Martin? Not a lot,’ I say. He waits, as if he’s expecting me to say something else. I rub one foot against the side of my other leg, trying to scrape the grass seeds off my jeans. When I look up he’s still waiting. I clear my throat, feeling stupid. ‘He lived here. Um. He fought in the Second World War. In North Africa. He –’ Oliver winces and glances away, and I stop. ‘What?’
‘First World War,’ he says. ‘The First World War. He fought in Egypt and the Middle East.’
‘Egypt is North Africa.’
‘All right. Go on.’ His face is neutral, impassive, as if he’s deliberately not letting me see what he’s thinking.
‘He got killed on a motorbike on the road – the B2168. There’s a stone marking the place. Er . . . there’s a museum about him in Falconhurst.’
Oliver nods. ‘Is that the extent of your knowledge?’
‘He’s buried in the churchyard. He wrote a book called The Owl of the Desert, which is a really bad title for a book.’
‘It’s a quotation.’
‘So is “to be or not to be”, but that doesn’t make it a good title.’
He hunches his shoulders and laughs, although there’s a kind of scratchy note in his voice. Then he says, ‘And that’s all you know.’ It’s not quite a question, so I don’t answer him, and he takes a long breath and hisses out through his teeth. ‘Bibi, Tyme’s End isn’t – I know this sounds weird, but – Tyme’s End isn’t just a house. It’s his house – it was his house.’
‘I thought it was your house.’
‘Legally, yes. That’s not exactly what I mean.’ He pulls at his lower lip with his finger and thumb, looking back at the house over his shoulder. His eyes are narrowed, as if he’s looking at something a long way away, trying to focus on it. ‘I –’ He breaks off, with a short gulp that’s almost a laugh. ‘Never mind.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Nothing.’ He picks up his rucksack and reaches roughly for my arm. ‘Nothing. No, you can’t have Tyme’s End. Now, go away.’
‘Are you – you’re not saying it’s haunted?’
And I giggle. I can’t help myself. It’s not that it’s funny. It’s just that he must be at least twenty-five, and the sun’s blazing down, and he’s biting his lip and looking nervously over his shoulder for ghosts.
His grip on my arm tightens until it’s painful, and he swings me round so that we’re face to face. This time I think he knows he’s hurting me.
‘You’re right,’ he says. ‘Of course I’m not saying that. What happened in the past stays in the past. Don’t you agree?’
‘I –’ It’s hard to speak because my throat’s tightened up. I’m not scared of him, but – ‘I don’t understand.’
‘No.’ He lets go of me all at once. ‘Why would you? You’re just a kid. An ignorant, bad-mannered kid. You don’t know about the past, and you don’t care. It’s all so simple, isn’t it? What happens to you matters, and what happened to other people a long time ago doesn’t, and you don’t even realise that they’re sometimes the same thing.’
I stare at him. His eyes are narrowed against the sun and his irises are so dark I can’t tell where they end and his pupils begin. He’s looking at me as if he hates me. I say, ‘I’m not ignorant.’
He makes a tiny, dismissive gesture with one hand.
‘OK.’ I turn round and walk away, towards the saplings and the brambles and the cracked bit of wall. The tears are threatening to come back, but I squash them down. The biscuit tin digs into my wrists. I must look ridiculous, with my biscuits and torch and big sloshing bottle of Coke. I concentrate on not dropping anything, because I don’t want to think about what Oliver just called me. I don’t know why I care – it’s not like he’s a friend of mine – but I do. I’m not ignorant. I’m not bad-mannered, except when people are rude to me first. And I’m not, I’m not a kid.
I squeeze the tin too tightly. The lid makes a kind of clanking sound and pops up at one corner. The torch starts to roll off and I try to grab it. And then everything drops into the grass, biscuits scattering everywhere, torch hitting the ground with a worrying thud, a book bouncing off my shoe, the bottle landing flat on its side and gulping gently to itself. A bookmark has lodged itself in a clump of grass. I look down at the broken debris of crumbs and laugh, painfully, until I’m scared Oliver will think I’m crying.
He says, ‘Is that Coke, in the bottle?’
‘Mainly.’ And I’m furious, so miserable I can hardly speak, because I went to all the trouble of filching it and I never even drank it. And it’s all his fault. And Tyme’s End will be sold, and –
I sniff determinedly, and swallow hard, but it doesn’t help.
‘Oh, shit.’ He breathes in through his teeth. ‘OK. This time it was me that made you cry, right?’
‘I’m fine. Leave me alone.’
‘Sure you are.’ A pause. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Not all of it, anyway. It’s just – you say you love Tyme’s End, but you wouldn’t if you – it’s not – it’s . . . Oh, hell, I don’t know. How can you live here, in Falconhurst, and not even know what war H. J. Martin fought in?’
‘That stuff’s for tourists,’ I manage to say. I’m on my knees, trying to gather everything up, but I keep dropping things. ‘I’m not a tourist.’
‘No, but –’ He stops. Then he’s opposite me, picking up my books. He passes them to me, and then reaches for the Coke bottle. ‘Mainly Coke, you said?’
‘Yes. With whisky. It’s for emergencies.’
‘Ah.’
He doesn’t say anything else. I don’t say anything else. We both stare down at the whisky and Coke, watching the bubble rock from side to side like a spirit level. Then, as if we’re synchronised, we look at each other at exactly the same moment, and I know we’re both thinking the same thing. He presses his lips together like he’s trying not to smile. I’m taking deep breaths, trying not to cry, except that now I’m trying not to laugh either.
Then, in a sticky, snotty sort of voice, I say, ‘Actually, I think this might qualify. As an emergency.’
.
‘I can’t believe I’m doing this,’ Oliver says, taking the bottle from me, drinking, and passing it back. We’re sitting in the shade, our backs against the wall, side by side with our feet in what used to be a flower bed. The noise from the High Street is muffled by the trees, but we can still hear
kids shouting to each other and the occasional whine of a siren going past. ‘How old are you, anyway? Seventeen? Eighteen?’
‘Sixteen, actually.’
‘Oh, bloody hell.’ I glance at him, and he shakes his head and gestures to the bottle. ‘You’re not even old enough to buy that for yourself. If I gave it to you it’d be illegal.’
‘Big deal.’ I take a mouthful, and another. It’s warm and it’s gone flat, but the whisky is going straight to my head, and I’m glad. I feel exhausted.
‘Yeah, OK,’ he says, and waits, his palm outstretched, for me to give it back.
‘So how old are you?’
‘Twenty-seven. Old enough to know better.’
I smile, tilting my head back until it rests against the wall. There’s silence, except for the kids shouting outside the gates and Oliver swallowing. We’re not touching, but I can feel the heat of his shoulder where it’s only a few centimetres away from mine. I want to slide sideways until I’m leaning on him, but I concentrate on staying upright.
I say, ‘If you hate the place, why do you keep coming back to it?’
He runs his thumb round the top of the bottle, not quite wiping it. At first I don’t think he’s going to answer me, but he says, ‘I told you, this is the first time I’ve been back since – this is only the second time I’ve been here.’
‘No, I mean, last night you came and just stood and looked through the gates. And yesterday, and today . . . If you hate the place, why are you here at all?’
A pause. He takes three gulps of whisky and Coke in quick succession. Then he passes the bottle back to me. I hold it between my hands, lacing my fingers together like I’m praying.
‘Because – something bad happened to me here,’ he says. ‘I don’t like the house, but – I have to be here. When I’m not, it feels – it’s worse. I can’t leave it alone. Does that make any sense? I don’t know why I’m here.’
‘Is that why you want to sell it?’
‘I want to get rid of it. I don’t ever want to think about it again. I want to – delete it. Completely. Even when I went to America, I used to dream about it. Nightmares, I mean. I can’t –’ He stops and grits his teeth, looking sideways at the bottle in my hands. ‘God, listen to me, I’m already half-cut. Forget it. I don’t want to talk about it. I want it never to have happened.’
I raise the bottle to my lips and take another sip, tasting the harsh sweetness of the whisky and Coke and something else that could be Oliver’s spit. I swill the liquid round in my mouth until my gums start to tingle from the alcohol. Then I swallow. ‘What did happen?’
He glances at me, then turns his head to look at the house. I can tell from the shape of his cheek that he’s smiling, or grimacing, but I can’t see his eyes. ‘You don’t mind asking straight questions, do you?’
‘Should I?’
He doesn’t answer.
I slosh the last of the whisky and Coke around in the bottom of the bottle and wonder how we managed to drink it so quickly. I hold it sideways for Oliver, but he doesn’t take it. I wait for a few seconds, then drink it myself. I put the empty bottle neatly against the wall and fight the impulse to burp.
Suddenly Oliver leaps to his feet. ‘You’re right,’ he says. ‘What the hell am I doing? This is stupid. I need to get over it.’
That wasn’t what I said, but I don’t say so. I look up at him and then stagger to my feet. The world slides ninety degrees to the right, wobbles, then steadies itself. The sunlight is hot on my face.
‘Come on,’ he says, and starts to walk away.
‘Where are we going?’
‘Mystery tour.’ He looks over his shoulder, grins, and breaks into a jog. He’s left his bag, but I don’t tell him that. I follow him. The grass swishes around my legs and the seed heads hit my hands, stinging, like little insects.
He waits for me at the wall, and when I don’t manage to get over first time he links his hands and makes a foothold for me, without saying anything, as if it’s just good manners. I still have a bit of a struggle getting over and when I start to giggle he does too. Once I’m over I forget to move out of the way, and he has to jump to avoid me. He says, ‘Oh, God, you’re sixteen and I’ve got you drunk.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I say. ‘I got me drunk. You had very little to do with it.’
‘Right.’ He’s laughing at me, but I don’t mind.
‘Anyway, I’m not as think as you drunk I am.’ I sway theatrically and grab at his arm.
‘Bibi –’ he says. Then he catches my eye. ‘Very funny.’
‘I thought so,’ I say, and I don’t let go of his arm.
I don’t know where he’s taking me, but we walk together down the High Street in the sun, weaving our way between the tourists in wide curves.
‘Do you think you could not hold my arm like that? I feel like you’re arresting me.’ He peels my fingers away from his elbow.
‘Oh. Sorry.’
He looks down at me, and for a second I think he’s going to say something else. Then he links his arm through mine. I don’t know if he’s being nice or taking the piss, but somehow I don’t care.
We walk in silence. I concentrate on keeping in step with him. It’s hard, because he’s taller than me. I feel giggly and excited and strange. For a while I think I must be really, properly drunk. Then I realise I’m happy.
.
To be honest, I might be drunk as well, because it’s only when we’re outside the church that I realise where we must be going. I look up at him, but he doesn’t meet my gaze. He steers me down the path into the churchyard, towards the back of the church and round the yew tree. There are a couple of tourists in the far corner, talking quietly – a woman staring at the headstone, the other one with his face raised to the sky. I open my mouth, but there’s something about the greenness everywhere and the silent graves that makes me shut it again without saying anything. The man takes a photo. The woman says something and they both laugh. She’s got a tiny bright yellow flower behind her ear. They start to walk away, as if they’ve looked for long enough, and the man takes her hand. Then she turns back and flicks the flower on to the grave. It spins as it drops, like a bright yellow propeller.
Oliver is watching them. There’s a crease between his eyebrows. He looks like someone reading an exam paper.
But even once they’ve left, he doesn’t go over to the headstone. He disentangles his arm from mine and takes a couple of steps in the other direction, until he’s looking at the War Memorial. He says, ‘What’s your surname?’
‘Hope.’
He smiles at me unexpectedly, then looks back at the memorial. ‘No Hopes. No Gardners either.’
‘Why should there be?’
He shrugs. ‘I always check. Don’t you?’
‘Every time I go past a war memorial?’ I’m being sarcastic, but he nods. ‘Er . . . no. I’m pretty sure I haven’t died for my country. Is that what we came here to find out?’
I shouldn’t have said that, because he stops smiling. ‘No.’ He tilts his head towards the dark headstone where the tourists were. ‘No, that’s what we came for.’
I stand and wait. He walks over to it slowly, and stands looking down at the grass and the tiny yellow flower. His hand beckons me over.
.
HUGO JOHN MARTIN
1894–1936
WATCH YE THEREFORE:
FOR YE KNOW NOT WHEN
THE MASTER OF THE HOUSE COMETH.
.
The silence in this part of the churchyard has a different quality to it: fragile, echoing, like glass. I shake my head and tell myself that’s stupid, but I can’t get it out of my mind. It’s like the air in this corner is thinner. It’s harder to breathe.
I say, ‘It’s not exactly beloved husban
d and father, is it?’
Oliver smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. ‘He wasn’t anyone’s husband. Or father.’
‘Oh. I just meant – it’s not very . . . comforting. The watch ye therefore bit. It’s a weird thing to choose.’
‘I think my grandfather chose –’ He stops. He makes a quiet, shocked sound, like someone’s just punched him in the stomach.
‘Oliver?’ In a distant part of my brain I notice that it’s the first time I’ve said his name. I have a stupid, embarrassing desire to say it again.
‘My grandfather. Chose it. He inherited everything, so I guess he –’ He reaches out as if he’s going to lean on the top of the headstone, and then draws his hand back quickly. ‘I forgot that. He must have – Jesus. I suppose that means he – God, he knew –’ He’s slurring his words.
‘Are you OK?’
‘Yes. Yes, I’m fine. I – something just – occurred to –’ He looks at the gravestone, and his mouth moves silently. The look on his face is too complicated to read, as if he’s shocked and angry and afraid and – somehow rueful, like someone who’s run for a bus and missed it by half a second. As if the epitaph is telling him something he wishes he’d known before.
He starts to laugh, painfully, as if someone’s told a joke at his expense.
I say, ‘Er . . . Oliver?’
‘He knew,’ he says, as if I’ll know what he’s talking about. ‘My grandfather knew. The master of the house cometh . . .’ He rubs his face, laughing through his fingers. ‘But what the hell – how –?’
The silence grows in the space between his words. It isn’t fragile any more: it feels heavy, merciless, like snow.
Through his hands, Oliver says, ‘Of course. How – simple. He knew because – because he –’
I wait. When he uncovers his face again he looks calm, like a mask.
‘Right,’ he says.
‘Right,’ I say, mimicking him.
‘Right.’ He looks back, just once, at the headstone.
.
WATCH YE THEREFORE:
FOR YE KNOW NOT . . .
.
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