by Smith, Megan
“You ready to get out of here?” I ask them.
Madison shakes her head. “No, I’m going to wait here for him.”
“I’ve had enough excitement for one day, take me to bed.” Macy laughs. “I barely slept and I’m exhausted.”
I look to Madison. “You going to be okay by yourself.” It makes me a little uncomfortable leaving her here but I want some alone time with Macy.
“I’m fine. Get out here,” she laughs.
“You don’t have to tell me twice.”
Madison calls over her shoulder. “Keep it on your bed though, alright?”
Macy and I laugh as we walk away with real smiles on both our faces for the first time in three years.
December 31, 2013
Canby, Oregon
Macy, Madison, and I flew back together while Cash had to catch the flight with the team. The first thing that Macy and I did when we dropped Madison off at their parents’ house was go to the store for a pregnancy test. When we woke up this morning first thing Macy did was throw up. She blamed it on her nerves because she hates to fly. I’ve come to realize that Macy is avoiding this test. She’s afraid of the outcome, afraid that if it is positive that she’ll have pushed me too far and lost me for good.
I called her out on it and then she blamed it on the rough sex that we had when we got back to the room last night. I chuckle to myself sitting here on my bed while Macy’s in the bathroom. Macy needing it rough sometimes makes me laugh because it’s funny I never picked up on that before but I’m sure as hell not complaining about it either. She asked me to put my hand around her throat during sex. I couldn’t do it at first but she wasn’t having it. So I did it. It was hot and I think it was the best sex of my life.
Macy steps out of the bathroom and holds the test in her hand. She’s looking down at it.
“I thought you had to leave it flat for a few minutes?”
She still hasn’t looked up.
“Macy?”
Finally, she looks up and a small, beautiful smile graces her face. “I didn’t need to.”
“Huh?”
She looks back down at the test and leans against the door frame. “I think it’s broken maybe.”
“Broken?” I’m getting more confused by the second.
“Can you hand me my phone?” I reach over on the bed and bring her phone to her.
“Hold this,” she says handing me the test and starts tapping away on her phone.
I don’t look down at the test because I don’t know what I want the answer to be. In ways, I want Macy all to myself for a little while. I want to get drafted to the NFL before worrying about kids. But then on the other hand if she was pregnant I’d be okay with that too. Everything happens for a reason, right?
“So,” Macy says taking the test from my hands. “I texted everyone.”
“Why?” I ask curious.
She glances down at the test in her hand again and then holds it close to me giving me no chance at not seeing the outcome. “That’s why.”
I smile.
And just like that, things change.
One moment changes everything forever again.
Surviving Regret…
June 3, 2014
It’s five-thirty in the morning. I’m sitting here in the hospital room while Macy finally gets some sleep. As the sky starts turning from darkness to light, I’m thinking that another day is beginning, a day that will change the rest of my life, again. My daughter will be arriving in a matter of hours. My daughter. It’s still so surreal.
I can’t believe the time has come already. I feel like I blinked and the last few months have flown by. Turning my head I watch the monitor tracking my daughter’s heartbeat. It’s strong just like her momma’s. Macy is going to be an amazing mom to her. I know she’s nervous about what the future holds for us but together we’ll make it work. We’ve been through so much in our lives and we’ll get through this as well. Since going to Cannon Beach when Alexa overdosed last year, things have been good, really good. I’ve been attending the drug and alcohol classes that I started in January. I’m even seeing a psychologist to help me work through the guilt of Steven’s death. It’s all helping, helping a lot. I think in some way, deep down inside I’ll always feel that guilt but at least I have come to peace with it now. Macy even encouraged me to go and speak at our old high school about drug awareness in April. I really felt like a loser looking at all those kids in the auditorium. Here I was, Landon Hayes, attending one of the division one football leagues and I just about threw it away like it meant nothing, nothing at all. It was a real eye opener, that’s for sure.
My dad called me a few nights ago to let me know I won my appeal and I can play football again next year. He warned me that I’ll be watched like a hawk eye so there is no screwing up this time. They won’t find any issues with me, not this year. My life is depending on this year, my senior year. I need to make it in the draft. It’s how I plan on supporting my family but if it doesn’t work out I always have my backup degree of working as a physical trainer.
After telling our parents about Macy’s pregnancy both sets of parents were deeply worried. They were afraid that our relationship wasn’t going to work because of all the hurt we’ve caused each other. Macy’s mom was worried her daughter would be a single mother who wouldn’t finish college because she needed to care for her child. I didn’t blame them for thinking that in the least. After all it was my fault, I caused Macy most of her pain, if not all of it. But I was set on proving them wrong. So I did what needed to be done first and foremost, I tapped into my savings account and got us an apartment just off campus. Neither of us could stand the fact that we couldn’t sleep without the other. Plus, I needed to be there for Macy and my unborn child growing in her belly. It was time I stepped up to the plate.
I told Macy what I was doing but she refused to let me pay for everything on my own. She claims it wasn’t fair and refused to move in with me unless we did it together. She doesn’t realize that she is only pays a quarter of what we pay for rent. I hate the fact that she’s even paying that but it’s what she wants to do, and to keep her happy I let her.
Macy stirs in bed, her face scrunching up in discomfort. She was given an epidural just a few hours ago but she still feels some of the pain from the contractions.
Her eyes open, she glances around until our eyes connect. “Hey.”
“You okay?”
Macy nods. “Yeah.”
“Try to go back to sleep. You were only asleep for a half hour.”
She groans. “That’s it?”
I chuckle, “That’s it.”
“Come closer, I can’t sleep with you all the way over there.”
I get up from my seat and drag my chair over next to her bed. I lean forward in the chair and rest my head on her leg, her round belly touching the back of my head.
Macy runs her hand through my hair. “I’m scared.”
“I know, Mace, everything is going to be okay though.”
“I’m scared to bring our daughter into this world. I want to keep her in my stomach, protect her from everything.”
I turn my head in her direction. Tears are sliding down her cheeks. Reaching up I wipe them away. “We’re going to do our best to keep her safe, it is all we can do.”
Macy sniffles, “I don’t ever want her to feel the pain that we felt. I never want her to feel that, that helpless feeling, the feeling of losing your best friend.”
I don’t say anything for a few minutes because I understand, damn, do I understand. We both lived it and almost didn’t survive it ourselves. The important part is that we did though.
“All we can do is love her, do our best to always make sure she’s safe.”
Macy reaches for her hand and places it on her belly. “Promise me?”
“Promise.”
After a while Macy falls asleep while I sit and think about how strong Macy has been through this all. Think about how I hope our daughter ta
kes after her momma and never lets anything get the way of what she wants. How much fight she’ll have to make it through what life throws at her.
Macy finally gets a few hours of sleep. Mid-morning she calls her parents and sister to tell them that she’s in labor. Her mom tells her that she’ll be on her way just as soon as her dad gets home from work. Madison promises to catch the first flight in. We haven’t seen or heard from her much. She’s been busy, I assume. We used to talk every day but not lately.
I send a text to Alexa and Cash giving them a heads up about Macy. Cash sends his best wishes and tells me he’ll visit as soon as he can. Alexa texts back and says she’s going to catch a ride with Macy’s parents to come see the baby.
The doctor checks Macy and tells her it’s time to start pushing. Macy nods and looks over at me.
“It’s all good, you got this.”
Macy nods again as everyone starts doing what they need to do to deliver the baby. Another hour ticks by as Macy pushes and pushes and pushes some more. I’ve been called more names than I could ever imagine coming out of Macy’s mouth. At one point one of the nurses gives me a sympathetic smile. I just shrug and go back to wiping Macy’s forehead.
“Okay, Macy, the next contraction give me everything you got.”
“Alright,” she answers through clenched teeth.
When she starts to push the next few minutes happen so fast I almost miss the baby coming out. I glance down at just the right second to see the baby’s head come out. It’s the most disgusting and beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. How in the hell can Macy’s tiny body deliver a baby is beyond me.
The nurse puts a blanket on Macy’s stomach preparing for the last step of the delivery.
“This should be it. Push once more and hold for the count of ten and we should have a baby.”
Macy places her hands under her knees, chin tucked to her chest and she bares down with everything she has. “Okay, here comes the baby.” The doctor stands and places a small cloth over the top of the baby’s head as she makes her way into the world. The doctor places the baby on the blanket congratulating Macy for a job well done.
I’m frozen in place. I can’t believe this just happened. I watched my daughter being born into this world. Macy places a hand on the side of our baby’s face and cries. Taking a step forward I place my hand over top of Macy’s.
“You did it.”
Macy glances up at me, tears pouring down her face. “No, Landon, we did it.”
Once the room is cleared out, the baby is washed and fed we have a few minutes of alone time. Well, not really alone now that our daughter is here but time to ourselves. Macy has the baby tucked in the crook of her arm staring down at her. “We need a name.”
“I thought we already had a name?”
“We do but I don’t think it fits.”
I look down at our daughter. The name we picked out doesn’t really fit but we both love the name. “How about we keep it for a middle name?”
Macy nods, “Yeah, okay.”
“Any suggestions on the first?”
She shakes her head. “Nope, not a clue.” She giggles.
I shrug, “Me either.”
We sit and stare at our beautiful daughter for a while commenting on who she looks the most like. To me she looks like Macy but to Macy she looks like me. She was born with crazy brown hair, thin lips, chubby cheeks, and a tiny little body. She only weighs six pounds, six ounces. She’s perfect and so is her momma. I can’t wait for the day I get to marry Macy.
I already gave Macy a promise ring earlier this year when things finally started coming together for us. It wasn’t only a promise that I would marry her when the time was right but it was also a promise that I was ready to move forward. To leave the past where it belongs, in the past. It was a promise that I was done with the drinking and smoking the weed to numb the pain. It was a promise that I would always be there when she needed me. I would no longer push her away. It was a promise that I would always take care of her and our daughter.
We talked about getting married after the baby was born. We both agreed that there was no real hurry and that we needed to finish our last year of college before worrying about taking that step. Macy, who I thought would want to get married right away, was the one pushing the idea off. She told me she wanted me to concentrate on football and earning my draft pick. I would have done this anyway but after talking about it more I agreed we’d worry about it when we both felt the time was right for us. If we both woke up tomorrow and said the time was right then I’d marry her in a heartbeat.
“What’s with that look on your face?” Macy teases me.
I shrug my shoulders, “Just thinking that my life is a lot brighter than it used to be.”
“Yeah, how so?”
I reach forward taking my pinky and rubbing it against my daughter’s cheek. “I’ve got two shining stars now. No way will the world ever get dark again.”
Macy smiles and then her smile widens even more. “I’ve got it.”
My eyebrows bunch in confusion. “Got what?”
“Star. Star Adrianna Hayes.” She looks to the baby and then back to me. “Yeah, Star definitely fits, don’t you think?”
I nod smiling. “Yeah, it does.”
I survived the biggest regret of my life because of one shining star that kept the darkness away. Always guiding me even if I went down the wrong path time and time again. Life is all about choices. Some of which I’m proud of and some of which I’m not. One regret will follow me to the day I die and that’s the biggest one. But one thing is for sure. As long as I have the two brightest stars in my life I can never have a single regret going forward.
Where there is a will there is always a way.
The End!
Acknowledgements
These things are always so hard to write. I feel like I can never say what really needs to be said. You would figure that this wouldn’t be an issue but it is and will probably always be.
This is the first thing that has been published, well re-published, since having my daughter in June. Most days I feel like I blink and it’s already a new day. Time needs to slow down just a bit so I can keep up.
First, I’d like to thank my husband. His support is endless. And to my kids, thank you for being you. Thank you for our little moments together. Thank you for understanding that mommy has a deadline even if you don’t really understand. I love you both with all my heart.
Elaine, thank you for working your quick magic on SR. You always come through for me. THANK YOU!
Linda, jeez, THANK YOU for the encouragement that I needed to get over this writing block since becoming pregnant last year. It wasn’t easy and to think this was just a re-release LOL. And I’m sorry for making you sweat with the ARCs being late, but hey, at least they were ready for the release date! LMAO #Moooooo
Emily G., my God where would I be without you keeping me afloat these last ten months. It was difficult, I know it was because I wasn’t much help. Seriously, THANK YOU, I could not have done this without you.
For all the bloggers who help me spread the love about Surviving Regret, thank you for everything. I can’t ever tell you how grateful I am for you all!!!
Mobsters: Thank you for all your hard work!
And last but never least, a huge thank you to the readers who took a chance on reading this.
Love,
Megan
About the Author
USA TODAY bestselling author Megan Smith is a New Jersey native who creates the memorable characters her fans have grown to adore.
Smith is a wife and mother, who makes time for her family, professional life and the creation of the characters. Fans of The Love Series - Trying Not To Love You, Easy To Love You, Hard To Love You, Let Me Love You, A Christmas To Love You, Made To Love You and Need To Love You - are captivated by relationships, special bonds and family ties pervasive in Smith’s emotional, energized, and engaging work.
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Email: [email protected]
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Other Books by Megan Smith
Trying Not To Love You (Book 1, The Love Series)
Easy To Love You (Book 2, The Love Series)
Hard To Love You (Book 3, The Love Series)
Let Me Love You (Book 4, The Love Series)
A Christmas To Love You (Book 4.5, The Love Series)
Made To Love You, (Book 5, The Love Series)
Need To Love You, (Book 6, The Love Series)
Stay For Me, A Love Series Spin-Off
Finding Us (Book 1, Finding Series)
Finding Ours (Book 2, Finding Series)
“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” — Walt Disney
CHAPTER ONE
AGE 10
“Mom, I’m home!” I called out when I opened the front door.
“Hi, baby girl. How was school?”
I walked over to my mom and gave her a hug. We shuffled off to the kitchen to make me a snack as we did every day when I got home.
When we walked into the kitchen, my older brothers, Mason and Cooper—the twins—and Jackson were sitting at the table doing homework with the most handsome boy I had ever seen.
“Kenzie, close your mouth.” Jackson said, laughing.
I was standing there staring at him; I couldn’t pry my eyes off of him.
“Shut up!” I said to Jackson. The boy looked up to see me staring at him. He smiled.