Finding Her

by Rita Hestand

  "It never occurred to me that women and children were killed in your camps. That our soldiers would do such a thing."

  "What Custer did was murder, not war. He wages a very sad kind of war. It is the yellow hair one, Custer. It goes both ways. Men like the yellow hair don't think twice about it. He hated the Indians, and the Indians hate him. It is justice, in a strange way. The killings I cannot stop, it will go on until the Indian is no more, but what the white make of him."

  "I appreciate anything you can do for her. And…" she reached a hand to touch hers. "I'm sorry they never came for you. But Lucy, there could be an explanation."

  "I would go through the gates of hell itself to hear it." She swallowed hard and nodded. "Thank you. It is not that so much as sometimes… I feel white. I am white, but most of the time I do not feel it. I do not think it. But when I am around the whites, I do."

  "How old were you?"

  "Six."

  "Old enough to know what was happening, to know they didn't come, to miss them… "

  Lucy stared into her eyes, "Yes… "

  Lucy stared at her a moment. "I prayed they would come. I prayed I would be rescued. And then one day I stopped praying and accepted my fate. I found love where I least expected, with them. I became one of them, part of them. I cannot change that. I am not ashamed of it, either. They've been good to me. They never judged me, they were never harsh or unfeeling. They understood somehow, and they waited."

  "For what?"

  "For me to understand that they loved me."

  "I'm very sorry. It must have been very hard for you."

  "It was hard for me at first, then it got better. I made friends with other children there, no one looked down on me, or called me white. And now, for some reason… it is hard again. Sometimes… when I am around white people, women mainly, I wonder what I might have missed. I wondered how my world would have been so different, if I'd have liked it or not."

  "I can't imagine… "

  "It is life." She said sadly.

  Lucy got up and walked off. She turned around to look at her and smiled. "You are a brave woman and I respect you."

  Gloria stared and then she broke out in a smile, "Thank you, Lucy. And I'm learning to respect you, too. I've got a feeling I might learn a lot on this trip."

  Lucy sent her a shy smile.

  Chapter Five

  Lucy watched the interplay between Gloria and her husband, or lack of. Mr. Winters was a nice-looking man, not tall, but thin, which made him look taller. He had dark brown hair and eyes that pierced. But he didn't appear to be all that happy a man, judging by his expressions. Lucy paid a lot of attention to expressions as her husband had many. She looked at Aiden. "He doesn't talk much, does he?"

  Aiden was tending the horses, as he was loosening the cinches and removing the saddles. He turned to glance over his shoulder at Mr. Winters. "No, he doesn't."

  "Don't you find that a little strange?" She asked twisting her head and waiting for his answer.

  "Hadn't given it much thought." Aiden told her, as he walked toward her. "Did you talk much to your husband?"

  Lucy threw him a glance, "No, he was pretty silent too."

  "How come?"

  She almost laughed. "He had scarlet fever when he was a child and couldn't talk. He could hear. We communicated by sign language. I taught him a lot, he was even learning to write English before he was killed. Just like you taught me to read and write English. I remember those days well, Aiden."

  "You learned fast. You know," he turned to her, "I remember him, I think, a mute. Yes, I do remember him. He was pretty nice kid. But I only knew him as a kid."

  "Yeah, he was. I was kind of hungry to learn things back then I don't know if I ever thanked you for that."

  "I'm glad you taught him, Lucy. You passed the knowledge on, that's always good." Aiden smiled.

  Aiden's head reared, and he studied her a moment, "I didn't realize you married him."

  "It wasn't like you may think Aiden."

  "What do you mean?"

  "We were able to communicate. It was one of the reasons he was lonely, no one else bothered to learn to understand him. I enjoyed conversing with him." She saw him staring and made a face. "We grew up together, we were best friends. But when he was very young, he had the Scarlet fever and was very sick, they didn't expect him to live. He survived. He was very good with animals, and it was his job to take care of the horses in the village. He became a very good horseman."

  Aiden didn't say anything but there was an expression she couldn't quite read on his face.

  As they were bedding down for the night, Lucy glanced over at him. "Why haven't you married Aiden?"

  It was about the last question he expected.

  Gloria looked up and propped herself on one elbow to listen. She was obviously interested in the answer too, Lucy surmised.

  "My kind of life, who would want to live it?" He asked her.

  "Why don't you change it then?"

  "Maybe someday. For the right person." He tossed her a crooked smile.

  "Have you ever been in love?"

  "I'm not sure I know what love is." Aiden replied, indulging her curiosity. "Have you?"

  She laid down now, and whispered, "Yes."

  "With your husband?" Aiden smirked.

  She fell silent a moment. "No." Lucy turned away, so he couldn't see her expression. "I liked him, don't get me wrong. I liked him a lot." she turned to look at him with a smile and propped her head on her arm. "But I don't think I was in love with him. Not the man and woman kind of love. When you grow up together you have a bond, a good bond, but not always a love bond. I loved him as a person, but it wasn't the personal kind of thing. What he did for me, made me care a great deal for him."

  "Oh, what did he do?"

  "I'll tell you someday."

  "Now that's interesting, why did you marry him then?" Aiden chuckled.

  "Many reasons. He was the best trapper of the tribe. The kindest of all the warriors. He was lonely, and I guess I was too. But the real reason, I guess I should tell you." she glanced at him now. "One of the warriors wanted to marry me, but I didn't like him much, he had a very mean heart. I knew this well. I think that's why Claw Hand married me. To keep me safe from him. So, we married. Not all marriages are the same, Aiden. We were companions, friends. Maybe if we'd been married longer, I would have learned to. But he felt the same. It was good, at least as long as it lasted."

  "I'm sorry he was killed." Aiden told her, looking up at the night sky with a huge sigh. "He must have been a pretty nice fella."

  "Me too, and he was." She whispered and went to sleep. "We had a good life together it just wasn't like most people would think."

  The next day they traveled through heavy snows and it was all they could do to keep from freezing. Even the horses moved slower. No one talked much. Everyone was bundled up. When they camped Aiden did everything to make them comfortable and showed the Winters how to keep warm through the night, He built a shelter for them and Lucy helped him. Angus and Pumpkin joined them in making the camp as warm as they could. Funny, Lucy was by his side constantly now, but Aiden didn't mind. Lucy knew exactly how to build a shelter and things that would keep them more comfortable. Aiden was glad she was along. She certainly did her share of the work, which was more than he could say for the Winters. Mr. Winters seemed totally incapable of knowing what to do. In fact, from his facial expression, this trip was not his idea.

  Aiden wondered if Gloria wore the pants in the family. It certainly looked like it.

  Angus and Pumpkin rolled up together, even Gloria and Frank were snuggled under the covers. Lucy was about to lay down when Aiden patted a place on his blanket for her. Lucy didn't hesitate to snuggle up to Aiden. Gloria gasped when they huddled together.

  "I won't let her freeze," Aiden smirked at the woman.

  Gloria stared at them for the longest. Finally, she closed her eyes.

  Lucy wasn't shy about cuddling eithe
r. She wrapped her arms around Aiden and smothered her head just under his chin. When her hands stole inside his shirt though he came awake with a start, as her lips grazed against his chest. Cold lips. Awareness shot through Aiden like a spear.

  "I'm so cold," she whispered as he felt her body shiver.

  His arms went around her, "Well you sure know how to warm a blanket."

  When he looked at her through the moonlight, he saw how dark her lips were, she was cold. Suddenly, without thought, he kissed her.

  He only meant to melt the cold from her, but it did much more than that. It went on forever and she responded in kind. It was the sweetest kiss, and Aiden wanted to explore it a little longer, but good sense prevailed. When they pulled apart, he looked at her, "Are you warmer now?" he asked huskily with a slightly teasing smile.

  She snuggled against him, her hands going back to his chest as she kissed him there, "Much warmer, thanks Aiden… I needed that."

  "I know, your lips were turning blue. Go to sleep, Little One before I take that kiss a bit farther." he tried to control his own wayward reactions.

  "I'm not a Little One, Aiden, I've grown up… " she whispered for his ears alone.

  "I know," he answered quite seriously, "that's the problem, sweetheart. Now get some sleep." He whispered back.

  "Sleeping with you could get to be a habit," she chuckled softly and laid her head against his chest once more. Her warm breath sent another signal through him. But strangely, he smiled and went back to sleep his arms wrapped tightly around her.

  The next morning Lucy and Aiden were up before anyone. Aiden built the fire up, and Lucy made the coffee. Pumpkin stirred and after kissing Angus quite thoroughly she joined Lucy at the fire. They talked endlessly, and Aiden found it amusing how easily Lucy adapted to people. Of course, Pumpkin was Indian.

  The Winters finally stirred as Lucy had some fatback cooking.

  "I guess we overslept," Gloria ran her hand through her thick dark hair.

  Lucy stared at her, she was a fine figure of a woman and her hair was so lovely.

  Lucy marveled at how beautiful the woman was, even in the early dawn of morning. She never looked dishelved, or like a hair was out of place. Lucy marveled at that. She looked down at herself and frowned, she could never be such a grand lady.

  "We'll be there in a couple of days now," Lucy told her. "I'd like to talk to you about when we get there. As I'm sure you aren't too familiar with Indian customs. For the sake of your child, you must be silent, speak only when spoken to. The chief will expect either I or Aiden to speak for you. Let us speak for you. It will be received better. Do you understand."

  "You're afraid I might rush in there and demand they give my daughter to me, is that what you mean?"

  "Exactly, and it won't happen right away, and you wouldn’t be the first. We will have to talk to the chief, and to the parents. Since this is a mourning capture, it will have to be approached with calm and much thought. I promise you, if you do as I and Aiden ask, I will get your child for you. It will not be an easy task, for she is already loved. There is one thing…"

  "Oh, what?"

  "They might have Peggy choose between you and Red Feather. They say it is the truest way to end this kind of struggle. Let the child decide. And I must warn you, a child is not good at choosing sometimes. It would be hard for her I imagine. You see, the Indians know as well as the whites that a child her age needs love, and they give it freely. So, it will be hard to choose."

  "Surely they wouldn't…."

  "I don't know… it is possible."

  "Well, of course she would choose me."

  "I hope so, for your sake… but you must be prepared. A child that little has no sense of time, she only knows who cares for her. Sometimes, you feel abandoned, and although it isn't the parent's fault usually, it is still there. And you seek the one that shows their love."

  Gloria studied Lucy a long moment. "What are you saying, you think she might not?"

  Lucy's face screwed up. "I'll do everything to get her back for you. Believe me, it will be an emotional time and take much healing on your side and on Red Feather's. She has come to love Peggy too. Peggy accepts that love, it is so freely given. What I have seen before, is like a warning. Sometimes, when a child is taken, she feels her family has deserted her, and she clings to the love that is offered her. Some have come through the years to do just such as you. Most have stormed the place, demanding the child be released, and they were killed immediately. But I know the woman who mothers your child now. She is a good woman, and when she sees your love, she would not fight you for the child, I am certain, but you must have respect for her mourning time. If Peggy is given the choice, you must respect it and understand it. She understands as a child would. Not as an adult would. She loves you, but sometimes taken away from that love, makes a child forget that love and find a new one. It is survival. And I only tell you this to prepare you. Red Feather reaches out with love to your daughter. Your daughter accepts that love. You must understand it is not that she does not love you, but that she has found a new love. At three they only know what is given them, when it is given."

  "Your trying to tell me that some children feel abandoned." Gloria bowed her head and considered her words. "I suppose you know more than I about how to handle it. I will do as you ask then. I will try to be strong for her and myself. You're saying a child that age wouldn't understand a love that is given so freely and taken away. I see your point, but surely what we had is stronger."

  "You gave her the milk from your breasts?"

  "Well, actually, no, I didn't have enough to feed her."

  "What has that to do with anything?"

  "It creates a bond, that is unbreakable."

  "But I simply was unable to do that."

  "I understand, but she won't."

  "Are you telling me that because of that, I won't get her back?"

  "I’m telling you that one that does give their own milk creates an unbreakable bond."

  "I cannot say. At that age there is little understanding. But as long as you can understand her feelings It will all be well. I will pray for you and for Red Feather as it will be a day of mourning for one of you."

  Lucy eyed Frank Winters. "How does your husband feel about all of this?"

  Gloria shot her husband a glance. "Lucy, can we talk a moment?"

  "Of course, Pumpkin, will you watch the food?"

  Pumpkin nodded.

  Lucy and Gloria walked off. Gloria wrung her hands, her face contorted into almost a vivid pain as they walked along the edge of the forest. "I suppose you are wondering about us, aren't you?" Gloria shot her a glance.

  "He's been very silent. It's hard to understand why a man has nothing to say, especially about his child."

  "He didn't want to come." Gloria blurted.

  Lucy eyed her closely now, knowing there was something to this. "Go on."

  "It's simple really. Peggy is not his child."

  Lucy stared, "Oh… "

  Lucy couldn't stop the blush that flushed her cheeks.

  "I was married before." She explained. "I got pregnant and my husband died from the Cholera. Frank knew me all along and liked me, not long after Boyd died, Frank asked me to marry him. He was planning to leave within the next couple of years on a wagon train. I knew he had money to support me and Peggy. I knew he cared for me. He said we weren't strangers and he'd take care of me. It wasn't the most romantic proposal, but I was scared to try to raise a child alone. I made a mistake…"

  Lucy watched her facial expression closely.

  "You see, I didn't tell Frank about the baby. We were married before he had a clue."

  "Why didn't you?" Lucy prodded trying to understand her.

  "I was afraid he'd not want to marry me. Frank isn't fond of children. He'd made that clear before we were married. After that I was afraid to tell him. I cared a great deal about him. He's a very good man. I didn't want to gamble losing him. I thought I could tell him la
ter."

  "I see. I am sorry for your decision, as it has put a strain on your marriage has it not?"

  "Yes, it has. He thinks I deceived him and that I was only interested in his support for the child. It's partially true. But I liked him a lot."

  "You don't love him?"

  "I guess I haven't explored that enough to know. I've been so busy with the baby and all. I have neglected him, and I feel ashamed that I lied to him. He put off the trip we were to make, and I had Peggy. He got a job in town at the bank. But he was miserable there, and he came home to a wailing child every evening. After two and a half years he heard of a military wagon train going west. He talked the Captain into letting us come with them. The Captain told him about the Indians and about Custer who was causing so much friction between the whites and Indians. Frank didn't listen. He wanted to get to California and pan for gold. Then the train was attacked. Although the soldiers were well armed, the Indians had us boxed in a canyon. That's when I discovered they took Peggy. He didn't want me to come after Peggy. I insisted. He's angry, and I guess a bit bitter. And I'm trapped in this marriage with him." Gloria cried. "How can I love a man that won't love my child?"

  "Would it have made a difference if you'd told him first?"

  "Probably. The secret was between us to begin with."

  "He seems like a nice man, perhaps this experience will be good for your marriage in some way. Perhaps it will make it stronger."

  "I hope so. He is a good man, a very good man. He's been nothing but kind and considerate of me and Peggy. But I suppose it's the lie more than anything."

  "Then I will pray to the Creator that it all comes well for you."

  "Do you have so much compassion for everyone you meet?"

  "I try to. You never know what someone has gone through." Lucy told her. "I have come to realize as an adult that everyone has problems they have to work through. And I'd suggest working hard at repairing your marriage as it sounds as though it might be worth it."