‘Why don’t you lie down? It’s all set up.’
Her mum looks at the sleeping bag. ‘It does look rather tempting.’
‘Come on,’ Becky says. She unzips the sleeping bag and helps her mum into it, so aware of how thin her arms are. ‘Is it okay?’
‘Lovely, thank you. Though I have to admit, the pillow’s a bit lumpy.’
‘Here,’ Becky says, lifting her mum’s head and shuffling under her so she can lean on Becky’s lap. ‘Better?’
Her mum smiles. ‘I knew the Rhys thunder thighs would come in handy one day.’
‘Charming!’
Her mum laughs, but then her laugh turns into a cough. Becky gives her more water.
‘I don’t know how you lived here,’ Becky says, looking around her. She realises she’s absent-mindedly stroking her mum’s hair as she says that, as she is so used to stroking her dogs as they lie on her lap. She remembers her mum doing the same when she was young, singing her a lullaby as she fell asleep.
‘Oh, it was better equipped back then,’ her mum says. ‘There was a toilet and a makeshift shower over there,’ she says, gesturing to the corner opposite to her. ‘A kitchen at the front, with a huge table. Anyway, it didn’t really matter. It was more about the space to write, the people. At first, anyway.’
Her eyes stray over to the half-finished painting of Idris, pain flittering across her face.
‘You loved him, didn’t you?’ Becky says simply.
Her mum nods. ‘The first time I saw him was the day the boy nearly drowned …’
As she begins to tell Becky about those first few days, Becky tries to find the anger she once felt at her mum for falling in love with someone else. Not just someone else, but a ‘bloody hippy’ as her dad referred to him. But as her mum lies with her head in Becky’s lap, eyes alight with memories, Becky finds it impossible to be angry. Instead, it feels like her love for her mum has never been stronger. It swells inside her as she strokes her hair.
But as her mum continues with the story, the sound of her voice grows increasingly slurred and panic clutches at Becky’s heart. It’s as though coming here has made her mum feel safe enough to slowly loosen her grip on life. Becky is desperate for her to hold on a little longer, this woman who gave birth to her, who held her in her arms, who protected her despite all that came after. The past twenty-four hours have reminded her of the good memories. They crowd in, suffocating the bad that have so dominated thoughts of her mum all these years. Instead, they’re replaced with the smell of her mum’s warmth when Becky crept into her parents’ bed at night. And the love, so much love, that she saw in her mum’s eyes.
How could she have forgotten that?
One of her tears splashes onto her mum’s cheek but her mum doesn’t notice. She is lost in her own memories, words barely making sense now as she recounts her story, so wrapped up in her past that she is beyond caring if Becky can understand what she says.
Over the next few hours, as darkness creeps into the cave, the only light provided by a flickering candle, Becky leans against the damp wall, legs out flat, her mum’s head now heavy in her lap. She watches a bird glide across the sky outside under the moonlight, another pecking at oysters that have washed up ashore with its distinctive orange beak. It peers up at her, noticing her watching, holding her gaze.
‘You always had a way with animals,’ her mum croaks.
The bird takes flight at the sound of her voice, its wings spread wide against the dark skies.
Then her mum closes her eyes again, mumbling something incoherent under her breath. Becky knows the end is nearing. Her mum is delirious now, breath rasping, chest rising so slowly, too slowly.
Becky holds her mum closer and silently sobs. She sobs for all the lost years, but anger starts filtering in again now too. She can’t help it. Anger at her mum, the dying woman in her arms, the most important woman in her life who walked away. The woman whose lies even now might be being whispered in the dark, surrounding her, pressing into her.
As though hearing her thoughts, Becky’s mum grows silent. She blinks up at Becky and Becky recognises the dimming of light she has seen so many times in the eyes of the animals she cares for.
‘Are you comfortable?’ she whispers, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. She doesn’t want to scare her mum.
Her mum nods, clutching onto her daughter’s hands which are crossed over her thin heaving chest. ‘I am, darling, thank you. Will it be soon?’
Becky purses her lips, trying not to sob. She could lie. Tell her mum there will be many more hours, days, weeks. But she isn’t like her mum. She can’t lie.
‘Yes. I think so,’ she replies.
Her mum closes her eyes, tears squeezing out from the corners. When she opens them, there is a new vitality. This often happens just before death, a final fight for life. It fills Becky with terror.
Not long now …
‘I don’t think you know how much I love you, darling,’ her mum says. ‘Always have. Every moment of every day, you’ve both been in my thoughts.’
Becky frowns. ‘Both? You mean Dad too?’
‘No, you and your sister.’
Becky goes rigid. ‘Sister?’ She looks at the empty packet of pills. ‘You’re delirious.’
‘No,’ her mum says, peering towards one of the paintings of the child, the one with the eyes scratched out. ‘I had another child, with Idris.’
Becky shakes her head, heart thumping so painfully against her chest she can barely breathe. Her mum’s head suddenly feels like lead in her lap.
‘Idris took her,’ her mum whispers. She is growing weak again. She looks ahead of her, towards the wall of the cave, eyes glossy with tears. ‘He took her from this very cave.’
‘Are you telling the truth?’ Becky asks.
A faint crinkle in her brow as her mum’s eyes begin to close. ‘Why would I lie about such a thing?’ she whispers. And then she is gone.
Chapter Eight
Selma
Kent, UK
27 July 1991
Idris led me to the cave, his hand still wrapped around mine. A campfire flickered outside it, and the sound of guitar music, laughter, even a child giggling was carried along with the breeze. As we drew closer, I could see seven people sitting around the fire on colourful chalk boulders, listening to a young tanned man dressed in just shorts playing a soft tune on his guitar. The girl I’d met a few days before was sitting beside him with her arms wrapped around him, her fingers hungry in his hair. A tall black man sat beside her, dressed smartly in chinos and a white shirt, his fingers tapping gently on his knee, his eyes closed. A brown and white Jack Russell lay with its furry chin on the man’s foot.
Behind the group sat a woman in her fifties wearing an oversized kaftan dress, paper flowers in different colours scattered around her. She was doing something I couldn’t see, her arms moving erratically, her back bent over. Swaying to the music nearby was a slim, attractive woman with short, blonde hair, the flames of the fire dancing on her tanned skin. I recognised her as being a local yoga teacher, and thought it no surprise that someone like her had been drawn there. But what was a surprise was seeing timid Donna among the group, with her son Tom. She must have come directly from the pub just after I left. What on earth was she doing there?
Then there, beyond them all, was the cave and the old hotel looming dark and abandoned above it. The cave was too dark to properly see inside but I caught glimpses of colour on the walls. Idris’s paintings?
When we approached the group, everyone seemed to sense him, growing quiet as they peered up. The young man even stopped strumming his guitar and Tom stopped giggling.
Weird.
‘Please, continue Caden,’ Idris instructed him. The young man smiled and continued playing his guitar as he glanced over me.
The girl I’d spoken to before jumped up, rushing over. ‘You came!’ she said, enveloping me in a hug. She smelt musty, as if she hadn’t showered for a few days. I
t wasn’t unpleasant though. ‘I’m Oceane by the way.’ She pronounced it Osh-ee-anne.
‘Is that the author?’ Caden asked over his music.
‘Yes, the author!’ Oceane exclaimed.
‘That’s so cool,’ Caden said. He started singing. ‘Sifting over the sands of my mind, trying to find treasures that never existed.’
I looked at him in surprise. ‘That’s a line from my book!’
‘Of course,’ Idris said. ‘We’ve all been reading it. Can’t ignore our local author, can we?’
‘I hope you’re working on something new,’ the yoga teacher said, eyes sparkling as she continued to sway. ‘Reading it really touched my soul.’
I opened my mouth then closed it. I didn’t know what to say. Part of me was delighted. The book had barely sold so I hadn’t had any feedback from readers beyond my editors and friends. But the other part thought it was bloody bizarre, all these people fawning over me.
‘Come, sit with us,’ Idris said, gently putting his hand on the small of my back and leading me towards the fire. I looked over my shoulder towards the town. Maybe this was a bad idea, but something propelled me forward anyway and I sat down on a straw mat, looking at the flickering orange and yellow of the flames, feeling their warmth on my skin.
I suddenly felt exhausted. I closed my eyes, breathing in the battle between the fire’s ash and salt of the sea, my actions at the pub and the subsequent conversation with Idris still playing on my mind.
Something cold nudged against my bare knees and I looked down to see the Jack Russell peering up at me, its tail wagging.
Was the dog going to tell me it loved my book too?
It went to lick my hand and I leaned away from it.
Idris laughed. ‘Not a dog person?’
‘No, not really. Sorry,’ I said. ‘One of my stepdads had one. Let’s just say, we didn’t get on.’
‘Stepdads?’ the yoga teacher asked with a raised eyebrow.
‘My mum got remarried a couple of times,’ I replied.
‘Come, Mojo,’ the man in the white shirt said, patting his thigh. The dog bounded over to him, and I assumed he must be the owner.
I turned to Donna. ‘Did you come from the pub?’
Donna nodded. ‘I was getting fed up with the conversation. Apart from your bit anyway,’ she added with a raised eyebrow.
‘I think I might have gone too far.’
‘It brought you here,’ Idris said. ‘That can only be a good thing.’
‘Wine? Beer?’ Donna asked, a shy look on her face.
‘I don’t suppose you have any gin?’ I asked her.
Donna frowned. ‘No, I’m afraid not.’
Caden laughed. ‘There will be soon though, now you’ve mentioned it. Donna can’t let anyone go without. She’s our angel.’
‘She sure is,’ Idris said, walking over and putting his hand on Donna’s shoulder.
Donna peered up at him, a child-like look of awe on her face.
I looked between them both, trying my best not to raise an eyebrow.
‘How long have you been here?’ I asked Donna.
‘Just a few days,’ she replied.
‘Long enough to make a difference,’ Idris said.
Oceane smiled. ‘Mum’s a supercook.’
I looked between Donna and Oceane in surprise. ‘Oceane’s your daughter?’
Donna nodded and my eyes widened in surprise. I had no idea Donna had an older daughter … and they seemed so different. Or were they? Donna had come to live here, hadn’t she? And she’d called her daughter Oceane.
I was suddenly seeing her in a very different light.
‘Will wine do?’ she asked me.
I shrugged. ‘Sure.’
Donna stood and pulled a half-empty bottle of white wine from a cooler box, sloshing some of it into a small ceramic bowl. I took the bowl, feeling its weight and coolness.
‘Interesting drinking device,’ I said.
‘Maggie made it,’ Donna replied, gesturing to the woman by the cave with her back to us.
‘What’s she doing?’ I asked.
Idris looked towards Maggie. ‘She’s in the current at the moment. Got into it quicker than most.’
‘What is this current?’ I asked. ‘Oceane mentioned it to me.’
‘You’ll see,’ Idris said mysteriously.
‘I’m Anita,’ the yoga teacher said, touching her hand to her chest. ‘I think you might know that already? I saw you in one of my classes once.’
‘Yep,’ I said, taking a sip of wine. ‘I learnt a valuable lesson, that lesson being I’m very unbendy.’
Everyone laughed.
‘Easily remedied,’ Anita said, waving her hand about. ‘We’ll sort it during the sunrise salute tomorrow morning.’
‘Oh, I won’t be here in the morning,’ I said. ‘Just a fleeting visit.’
Everyone exchanged knowing looks. Some sizzling chicken from the fire was passed my way. I took it without question, suddenly ravenous.
‘As you know, I’m Caden,’ the boy with the guitar said. ‘Guitarist, song scribe, lover,’ he added, wiggling his eyebrows at Oceane who laughed in response.
‘I believe you know Donna,’ Idris said, gesturing to her. ‘And her son Tom.’
‘Yes,’ I said, smiling at Donna. She returned my smile, turning another chicken wing in the fire.
‘And Julien,’ Idris said, gesturing to the man sitting quietly on the rock with the dog. Julien examined my face then he nodded at me. I nodded back. Already I could tell there was something about him, a calmness that was slightly uncomfortable. ‘That’s everyone. So far, anyway,’ Idris said with a contented smile.
‘Tell us about your next novel,’ Anita asked.
‘Never ask an author that!’ Oceane said.
I smiled at her. ‘Oceane’s right. It strikes the fear of God into us.’
‘You’re kidding,’ Anita said. ‘I thought you’d want to talk about writing?’
‘I adore talking about writing,’ I said. ‘But I feel talking about a new idea might jinx it.’
‘I get it actually,’ Julien said in a cut-glass accent. ‘When I start a new piece of furniture, I’d rather wait until it’s finished before telling someone about it. Just in case it flops spectacularly.’
‘It’s fear,’ Idris said.
Everyone turned to him, going very quiet. It was as if, when he spoke, everything else was wiped away.
‘Fear that people won’t like what you’ve created,’ he continued, sitting down cross-legged on the sand across from me. He was looking right into my eyes. I held his gaze. ‘That fear plagues artists like all of us. It’s the main reason we can’t get into the current,’ he continued. ‘We’re constantly thinking of this person and that person and a dozen people, a hundred, a thousand people who might hate what we’re working on. Numbers, when we should be looking beyond numbers.’
‘What’s so dreadful about numbers?’ I asked.
‘They cloud the judgement,’ Donna said.
I looked at her. ‘But they’re essential to everyday living. We use them to tell the time, to take measurements, count money …’
Donna smiled. ‘I don’t use them to take measurements when I’m cooking. I use my instincts.’
‘And we have no money kept here, no clocks either. In fact, watches aren’t allowed,’ Julien said, peering at my watch. I looked down at the watch that had once belonged to my mother.
‘We wake with the sun and sleep when we’re tired,’ Anita added.
‘Or don’t sleep if we’re in the current,’ Caden said.
They all nodded. It was as though they were seamlessly weaving a story together … and yet they’d only lived with each other for a few days. Maybe it was this ‘current’ they all talked of. The same current they refused to tell me about.
‘So how do you pay for all this if numbers aren’t your thing?’ I asked, gesturing to the wine and food.
‘Money,’ Donna said simply.
I laughed. ‘That’s numbers.’
‘But we don’t pay for it here, do we?’ Julien said. ‘We get money out when we’re in town and use it at the shops, giving any change which remains to the charity shops.’
‘Money clouds the creative juices,’ Oceane said. ‘All numbers do. It’s impossible to get into the current if we’re surrounded by them.’
‘What’s the bloody current?’ I shouted out, the loudness of my voice surprising me.
Julien frowned but Idris laughed. ‘I like your intensity.’
‘Then bloody tell me what it is,’ I said, leaning towards him and smiling to show him I wasn’t being too serious. But the fact was, I really did want to know.
He stood up, putting his hand out to me. ‘Come and see.’
I let him lead me to Maggie, very conscious of his warm hand around mine, intimate, soft. I felt drunk, not just from the gin and the wine but from his proximity too. It reminded me of being drunk as a teenager, night swimming with an old boyfriend, the heady freedom of it, like the night was infinite.
The dark cave unfolded before me like I was in a dream; slightly hazy, very warm. ‘The infamous cave,’ I whispered, suddenly feeling dizzy with the smell of salt and seaweed, ashes and barbecued chicken.
Idris came to a stop. Maggie was sitting before us, folding petals at an amazing speed, her fingers flexing and bending as she pressed the delicate flowers together. Her head was down, her brow knitted, her face in complete concentration. She seemed totally oblivious to our presence.
‘Maggie is a craftswoman,’ Idris explained in a quiet voice as we watched her. ‘She excels at a variety of crafts, from pottery to sewing to making masks. But it’s the paper flowering that she’s truly able to find the current with.’
‘So, being in the current is basically being in the zone?’ I asked.
He thought about it. ‘In a sense. But it goes deeper than that. Entering the current has a physical effect on the brain, deactivating the prefrontal cortex.’ He gently tapped the bottom of my forehead. ‘It controls elements like reason, logic, problem-solving …’
‘And numbers,’ I said, raising an eyebrow.
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