“Listen,” he interjected, propping his head on his elbow. “I know what you’re thinking, and I know how you’re probably feeling right now. But I need you to know that I meant everything I said last night.”
And there it was, my biggest fear, staring me right in the face. Instead of David agreeing that it was all a mistake and suggesting we never mention it again, it was even worse.
David was in love with me, too.
I didn’t know what to say. No matter which direction I took, I couldn’t win. I couldn’t tell him I loved him, yet I couldn’t pretend I didn’t.
Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to respond.
I heard her before I saw her. It happened so fast I didn’t have time to react. The sound of footsteps in the hall. Doors closing and opening. Watching my best friend’s expression change from excitement to confusion to shock. All in a matter of seconds.
And for as long as I live, I’ll never be able to erase that image from my mind.
Chapter 12
Highland Kitchen was what Renee and I referred to as Somerville’s “hipster hangout.” It was located in the heart of Davis Square, and was well known for its Wednesday-night karaoke and homemade mac and cheese. The same crowd that frequented the local rock clubs also frequented Highland, so it was no wonder that Dylan chose it as our meeting spot.
I, of course, was early due to the excitement of having a reason to leave my house, so I took a seat in a corner booth and ordered a coffee while I waited for Dylan. As I sipped from my mug, I watched the converse-wearing, Pabst-drinking crew that flowed in and out, smiling to myself. It felt good to be back in the city. As much as I missed LA, there was something about Boston that just felt like home.
Dylan arrived at quarter past twelve wearing a black-leather jacket, black, ripped jeans, black combat boots and a black beanie cap. He was always dressed in black. A natural rock star, without even trying. He crossed the restaurant and sat down in the chair across from me.
“Hey,” he greeted, grabbing one of the menus from the table. He removed his beanie cap, running his hands through his dark hair as he scanned the menu.
“Hi,” I said, taking the other menu and flipping it open, even though I’d been studying it for the past twenty minutes and already knew what I wanted to order. I waited for Dylan to speak, but he seemed heavily engrossed in his brunch options. After a few minutes of silence, our waitress appeared to take our order.
“Coffee, pancakes, and bacon,” Dylan said.
“Eggs Benedict,” I said, stacking our menus on top of each other and handing them to her.
Once our waitress had disappeared, Dylan looked up at me for the first time since he’d arrived. It nearly made me jump. His eyes were a piercing shade of blue, but I never realized how piercing until seeing them in broad daylight. I’d only been around Dylan at night, usually at one of his shows, and even then, his gaze was intense. But now, his eyes practically glowed in the sunlight. It was like seeing a vampire during the day.
“Thanks for meeting me here,” he said. “Renee’s home a lot, so I figured it’d be easier to meet in person since I can’t really talk when she’s around.”
I nodded.
“So, I was thinking of having the baby shower at my mom’s house,” he continued. “She loves Renee and offered to host it, and I thought it might be a good idea. Unless you had somewhere else in mind?”
I shook my head, embarrassed that I hadn’t even given it a second thought. “No, I think that sounds great.”
“Good.” He seemed pleased that I’d agreed. “I know that typically only girls go to these things, but Renee isn’t really into traditions, so I thought it might be fun to invite some of the guys. Maybe have a little music theme or something.” He laughed and shook his head like he was embarrassed. “As you can probably tell, I don’t have a clue about any of this.”
It was at that moment that I knew exactly why Renee loved Dylan. He was everything he appeared not to be. In a good way. When I’d first met him, I had a hard time seeing what Renee found attractive in him. He had a small, emaciated frame, an oversized nose, and dressed like a homeless person. But after getting to know him, I understood. There was something about him that was just… sexy. He was an intoxicating conversationalist. He drew you in. And once you got past the brooding artist façade, he actually had a bigger heart than anyone.
“I think that’s a good idea,” I agreed. “I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about baby showers either, but you are supposed to have a theme. So I could get some music decorations…”
“Good, because I definitely don’t want to be in charge of that,” he said, smirking. “But I was thinking, if you want to invite the girls and handle the decorations, I’ll invite the guys, and my mom can take care of the food. I’ll tell Renee that we’re having lunch at my mom’s house so she doesn’t suspect anything.”
Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. He looked down, then motioned for me to be quiet.
“Hey, babe,” he said into the phone. “Yeah, I’m just grabbing some food with the guys, then we’re heading to the studio.” He paused. “Yeah, okay. Sounds good. I will.”
“Renee?” I asked after he’d hung up the phone.
“Yeah. She wants me to…”
We were interrupted again, this time by the sound of my phone ringing. I looked down at the caller ID and felt a beat of panic rise in my stomach.
“Now she’s calling me!” I yelled.
“So make something up,” he replied calmly. “Or ignore it.”
I scowled, staring down at my phone. I hated lying. Especially to her.
“Hey!” I said into the receiver, my voice a tad too cheery.
“Hey,” she said. “What are you doing?”
“Oh I’m just…”
Shit. I hated making up lies on a whim. I should’ve thought this out ahead of time.
“I’m just going to…meet my mom,” I stammered. “For lunch.”
“Oh, tell her I said hi. Where are you guys going?”
“We’re, um… I’m not sure yet.”
God, I was terrible at this. Even Dylan was trying to control his laughter.
“I’m… meeting her at her house,” I continued. “Then we’re going to figure out where to go.”
“Oh, okay. Dylan’s at practice so I have the afternoon free. I wanted to see if you were around.”
“I can come by afterward,” I offered. “I’ll call you when I’m done.”
I hung up feeling a sense of déjà vu all over again. The last thing I wanted was to see my best friend face to face and be forced to pretend I wasn’t just with her boyfriend. Although this time, it was entirely for her benefit.
I expected Dylan to reciprocate with a similar reaction, but as the waitress dropped off our two breakfast plates, the only thing he managed to say was,” Thank God. I’m starving.”
Los Angeles, CA
May 2009
It had been over a week and still no word from Renee. I kept replaying it over and over again in my head. The look in Renee’s eyes when she recognized me. Her outline getting smaller as she disappeared out the front door. Trying to run after her. The sinking in my heart every time I came home to an empty apartment. Wondering if she’d ever walk through that door again.
The only thing that got me through the day was knowing that, eventually, she’d have to come home. As far as I could tell, she hadn’t even stopped by to pack any overnight items. Her bedroom looked the exact same way it had looked since she’d left for Boston. So, at some point, she’d come back. And when she did, I would explain everything to her and beg her to forgive me.
At least this was what I thought, until I came home from Sphinx one night and found all her things gone.
It was like a knife in my heart. To anyone else, it wouldn’t look like anything was missing. All our furniture was in its usual place, our pictures in their usual spots. But as my gaze caught the bookshelf, I noticed someth
ing out of the corner of my eye.
Half of the books were missing. Renee’s half.
I then proceeded to her bedroom. Her bed and bureau were still there, but they were empty. No blankets or pillowcases on the bed, no pictures or stacks of makeup on the bureau. Slowly, I opened each drawer, one by one. Empty. All of them.
As a last-ditch effort, I ran to the closet, praying there would be something left, something she’d have to come back for. But again, nothing.
I walked back to the living room in a daze. Even though it was still full of our furniture and decorations, all I could see were the missing books on the shelf.
Sure, it wouldn’t appear that anything was missing to an outsider. But to me, it might as well have been a vacant apartment. The Renee in our apartment was gone.
It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, really. Because of her family circumstances, Renee had turned in her final semester work early before she’d left for Boston. So there was nothing else keeping her here.
That’s when it really hit me.
We’d been through so much together, from awkward teenage high-school years to California college graduation. And now, it was over.
She was gone.
And I had no one to blame but myself.
Picture the worst breakup you can imagine. The kind where you can’t sleep, can’t eat, break into random crying spurts, and walk around with a nervous stomachache that refuses to leave. The kind where you wake up in the morning and feel a momentary sensation of happiness, until reality sets in and you remember. And then the cycle continues all over again.
Now multiply that by ten.
That’s how I felt without Renee.
I didn’t go to work for the rest of the week. Instead, I told Vincent I’d come down with the flu, curled up on my couch, and watched every sad movie I owned. Only instead of seeing the characters on the screen, all I saw were two girls growing up together. Cutting photos of rock stars from magazines and hanging them on their walls. Passing notes in school hallways. Skipping class to hit the beach. Blasting Def Leppard while driving cross country. Cramming for finals with nachos and margaritas.
It was worse than any breakup I could imagine.
The way I saw it, breakups typically occurred with someone who was only a small part of your life. Sure, they were a big part of your life during that specific time period, but in the grand scheme of things, they were only a small percent of your overall life. Chances were, there would be several others with whom you’d have more or less the exact same relationship, and someday you’d look back and forget why you’d ever cried about any of them in the first place.
The problem was, Renee wasn’t a small part of my life. She wasn’t some guy I dated for a year who I’d probably forget about in six months. We’d grown up together and experienced everything together. She wasn’t just a part of my life; she was a part of me.
And I had no idea where she was.
Was she staying with a friend in LA until she cooled down? Had she packed up her car and driven back to Boston? Now that school was over, she didn’t have any reason to stay here, but I couldn’t exactly call her parents to find out. That would be a tough one to explain.
So instead, I opted to mourn our friendship on my couch, in my pajamas, while stuffing my face with ice cream and avoiding David’s calls.
He’d called at least a dozen times since that morning. I couldn’t talk to him. Not now. Ironically, before this, he was all I could think about. Now, he was the last thing on my mind. And the last person I wanted to see.
Especially when he showed up at my door the following Saturday morning when I hadn’t showered in three days. Going on four.
I knew the second I looked into his pleading eyes that this wasn’t going to be easy. David was used to getting what he wanted, and he wouldn’t give up without a fight. And right now, he wanted me.
“Please let me come in,” he begged through the living-room door I’d half-opened.
“Not now, David.” I wasn’t ready to deal with this. I’d barely slept in weeks. Everything inside me was emotionally and physically exhausted.
“I’m coming in,” he insisted, pushing the door open and stepping into the living room.
I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. An easy surrender. I didn’t have the energy to fight him. He sat down at the end of the couch and placed my legs on his lap.
“Please look at me,” he asked.
I couldn’t. Because I was afraid that the second I did, it would be over. All those feelings would come rushing back, and I’d eventually give in.
I couldn’t. Not again. Not this time.
He grabbed my hands and held them in his. I felt his eyes on me.
“She left,” I mumbled. “She’s gone. All her things are gone. She’s not coming back.”
“I know,” he said. “She sent an email to her manager saying that she wasn’t coming back to work. Everyone thinks that after the funeral she decided to stay in Boston.”
Of course. David and Renee worked together. I should have known she wouldn’t go back there.
“So I’m guessing that’s why you haven’t been answering my calls,” he continued.
I nodded.
I heard him sigh. I could picture him with his head down, contemplating what to say next.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I never meant for this to happen. I know you guys have been friends for a long time.”
I nodded again. There really wasn’t much else to say.
“But,” he continued. “That doesn’t change how I feel about you, Justine. And after this week… I know you feel the same way.”
What David didn’t know was that I’d already had this conversation with him, in my head. Only in my fantasy, Renee had broken up with him, found the man of her dreams, and then granted me permission to date the man of mine.
Never in a million years had I pictured it this way.
At that moment, I finally opened my eyes. I looked him dead in the face, into his dark, desperate eyes, and all I could say was, “Please leave.”
He stared at me in disbelief for a moment, looking like I’d slapped him. “You don’t mean that.”
I sat up and motioned to the door. “Go.”
And as I watched him leave, for the first time I felt absolutely nothing.
Chapter 13
Nothing good has ever come after the sentence: “I need to talk to you about something.”
Renee had dragged me to a clothing store in the Back Bay that was rumored to stock trendy baby attire. And by “trendy” she apparently meant “baby rock-star in training,” because the entire store was lined with teeny tiny t-shirts with Zeppelin and AC/DC logos scrawled across the front. They even had baby beanie hats.
“Okay,” I said cautiously as we crossed over to the shoe area. “What’s up?”
Renee picked up a pair of pink baby Uggs, then looked at me with a concerned expression. “Do you think Dylan would cheat on me?”
“No,” I said, without hesitation. It was a ridiculous question. Prior to meeting Dylan, it would’ve been a fair question, as musicians didn’t have the greatest reputation when it came to monogamy. However, my preconceived stereotype was laid to rest the minute I met him. Dylan may have been a playboy in his previous life, but when it came to Renee, he was one-hundred percent faithful. I’d watched him at shows when he thought no one was looking, and he didn’t have an inkling of a wandering eye.
Renee put the boots back on the shelf. “Last weekend, he told me he was going to band practice with the guys. But I talked to Christian’s girlfriend a few days ago, and she mentioned that they were at a wedding on Saturday.”
Dammit. This was exactly what I had been afraid of. I took a deep breath and hoped my expression wouldn’t give me away. “Well, did you ask him about it?”
“Yeah. He said they practiced without him.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“Band practice without the
drummer?” She looked at me skeptically. “I highly doubt it. Dylan always emphasizes that the band needs ‘rhythm’ when they rehearse.”
“Renee, Dylan’s a good guy. He’d never cheat on you.”
“I know. I just have this funny feeling that he’s hiding something. I can’t shake it.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” I said, trying my hardest to feign sincerity.
“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” She forced a smile.
I felt awful. The last thing I wanted was to lie to her, especially after she’d been gracious enough to give our friendship a second chance. But then I thought about the surprised look on her face when she walked into a living room full of friends and family and baby rock-star decorations, and I knew it was the right thing to do.
We walked back to the clothing section, where she immediately grabbed a Rolling Stones onesie and held it up for my approval.
I laughed, holding up a pink toddler tee with a giant skull on it. “How about this?”
“Too goth,” she said, clearly missing my sarcasm. “And besides, I think I’m having a boy.” She turned her attention back to the onesie. “I’m totally getting this.”
“What if it’s a girl?”
She shrugged. “The Rolling Stones are unisex.”
After grabbing a pair of baby sunglasses, a t-shirt with a picture of a cassette tape on it, and another onesie that said “I’m with the Band” (all of which she insisted were unisex), we were officially at the checkout line.
“So, what’s going on with you?” Renee asked, as we stood in line behind a couple, who were chatting with the cashier. “Have you landed any interviews yet?”
“No,” I said, defeated at the thought. “I need to find something soon, though. My parents usually start renting out the house by June.”
“Have you asked them how long you can stay?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been avoiding them for weeks. I’m scared they’re going to want me out before I find a job.”
As soon as I said it, I felt my heart stop. We both realized it at the same time. I watched Renee’s eyes narrow the minute I finished my sentence.
Love Bites Page 9