But even I knew how pitiful that sounded.
“It just seems like… that girl I fell in love with… she’s gone. You agree to everything I say and everything I want and sometimes… I want you to fight back. Argue with me. Be passionate about something. You don’t even talk about your job anymore. It’s always what we’re having for dinner, or what we’re going to watch on TV. You don’t ever go out with your friends.”
“I don’t have any friends,” I said softly. “I lost the best friend I had. Because of you. Remember?”
“Renee isn’t the only person in the world you can have as a friend. And speaking of Renee, she may have been critical and we may have had our differences, but she still stayed true to who she was when we were together.”
Ouch. His words felt like they were ripping out my insides, one small part at a time.
“Well, maybe you should’ve stayed with her, then.” I couldn’t even attempt to sound vindictive. My voice was small, flat. Lifeless.
I expected him to argue with me, but instead he fell silent.
“Oh my God.” I whispered, shaking my head in disbelief. “That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know.” He covered his face with his hands. “Maybe we rushed into things. Maybe I should’ve tried to work it out with her. I don’t know.”
“I can’t believe you!” I screamed. “I ruined a lifelong friendship because you insisted that we had this surreal connection, that we were meant for each other, and if I never gave it a chance, I’d regret it for the rest of my life. You chased me like I was the fucking goddamn Rolling Stones, and I really thought it was because you loved me, not because you’re some asshole who gets off on chasing the impossible. I’m not a fucking game, David. I’m a fucking person and I deserved to be treated like one.”
God! That felt good.
I stood up from the couch, glaring down at him. He was looking at me like he’d never seen me before. I grabbed my purse from the loveseat and threw it over my shoulder.
“I’m going to stay at Jasmine’s,” I said, heading for the door. “I’ll have my stuff out by tomorrow night.”
Chapter 15
I always thought the pregnancy “glow” was something that people invented to make all the moms-to-be feel better about being fat and hormonal. Kind of like in the movie “Liar Liar” when Jim Carrey tells his son that “beauty on the inside” is just something that ugly people say.
However, I can honestly say that I’d never seen Renee look more gorgeous than she did at eight months pregnant.
Even way back when she lacked a fashion sense, Renee has always been beautiful. Aside from the fact that she’s tall and blonde, she has incredible cheekbones and stunning, exotic-shaped green eyes. But there was something about her now that shone. Her skin and hair had never looked healthier, and aside from her stomach, the rest of her body looked exactly the same as before – a maternity bod most women would kill for.
But more importantly, she looked… happy.
The two of us had decided to spend our Friday night on her sofa since Dylan was playing a show. He’d finally moved their boxes into storage, so we had plenty of room to sprawl out for a girls’ night. I had brought a collection of DVDs, a massive amount of Asian takeout, and a bottle of wine for myself, per Renee’s request. She insisted that at least one of us should be able to enjoy a Friday-night buzz. No one loved to drink more than Renee.
“Mmm,” she said, sniffing the top of the open wine bottle. “God, I miss this shit.”
“One more month,” I said, taking the bottle from her grasp. I reached over and moved two spider maki rolls onto my plate. Renee eyed them longingly. Apparently pregnant people weren’t supposed to eat raw fish, so she’d been forced to order veggie rolls.
“That looks so good.” She stared my roll down like it was Bradley Cooper.
“Renee, stop!” I yelled, giggling. I pushed the veggie plate toward her sulking face. “Well, speaking of good looks, your buddy Walter Keller called me last week.”
“Oh?” Her eyed widened excitedly. “And?”
“He wanted to follow up about the apartment in Southie. I guess some people are interested in it.”
Renee’s eyes softened. “I’d love it if you moved to Southie. You’d be so close!”
“I know, but I still haven’t heard back from any of the positions I’ve applied for.”
“Well, it takes time. Just keep looking. You’ll find something.”
I took a sip of wine and looked around Renee’s newly cleaned apartment, debating on whether or not to say what I was thinking. I knew I’d be in for a lecture if I disclosed too much, but it was impossible to keep anything from her.
“Jasmine called me about a job,” I blurted out.
“Your friend in LA?”
I nodded. “I guess Sphinx’s CEO nominated me for some event-management position that just opened up.”
“That’s great! Do they have an office in Boston?”
My eyes fell to the floor.
“Oh no. You are not thinking of going back to LA” She shook her head sternly, then paused. “Are you?”
“Not really. But if I don’t find something by summer, I’m not sure what other options I’d have. There’s no way in hell I’d ever move back in with my parents.”
“And your unemployed ass can afford to move all the way back to LA?”
“Sphinx pays for relocation,” I admitted. “Moving expenses and corporate housing for the first two months.”
“So you have been considering it.” She looked like she was going to kill me.
“No, it’s just… a backup plan.”
She rolled her eyes. “Justine, take it from me, you can’t go running across the country every time your life goes sour.”
“It worked out great for you!” I argued. “You met Dylan!”
“Yeah, but I also ran from my problems instead of dealing with them. Which means I spent over a year being upset with you and making assumptions instead of actually talking to you about how I felt and finding out how you felt.”
“I know. But I think things worked out for the best. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have met Dylan. And I wouldn’t have been with David.”
She looked at me curiously. “And that’s bad because…”
I sighed. This was not my favorite subject. “Because if I hadn’t got together with David, then I would’ve resented you for it. And I would’ve painted him as this perfect guy who got away and had him on a giant pedestal forever.”
Part of me expected Renee to launch into a speech about how I always pick the wrong guys, or argue that what I did was wrong, but instead, she surprised me by breaking into a grin. “You know, I’m really proud of you.”
My jaw dropped open. “Huh?”
“I’m proud of you,” she repeated. “For opening up. I know you, Justine, and you hold everything in. You don’t want to seem vulnerable so you keep all your feelings to yourself and you don’t let anyone in, not even me. And yes, what you did with David was shitty, but when you explain it to me like you just did, it helps me understand. And even though I think it could’ve been handled differently, part of me knows you’re right. I know how persuasive David can be, and let’s face it, I didn’t want to be with him anyway. I think my ego was just hurt, and I was hurt that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me about how you felt.”
“It just happened so fast,” I said in a soft voice. “And before I knew it… it was too late.”
“I know. And you’re probably right. You either would’ve resented me for not being able to be with him, or he would’ve pursued you until you finally gave in, at which point I would’ve resented you.” She shrugged. “It happened the only way it could have.”
“Well, I’m proud of you, too,” I said, taking another sip from my glass. Between my wine buzz and Renee’s hormones, we were seconds away from an estrogen-filled sob fest. “You’re… incredible. Honestly, if you’d done the same thing to me,
I don’t know if I’d be half as forgiving as you.”
“Yeah you would,” she said matter-of-factly. “You don’t give yourself as much credit as you deserve.”
“I’ve been meditating,” I spat out, hiding my face in my hands. That was the wine talking.
“You?” Renee asked, exasperated. I knew what she was thinking. I was the type of person who wouldn’t be caught dead in the self-help section.
I nodded, embarrassed. “I bought a book about how to think positively in order to bring good things into your life. And to be honest, so far, it’s pretty… awesome.”
Renee looked like she was about to fall off her chair. “Damn. You really are desperate for a job, huh?”
Los Angeles, CA
June 2010
I moved in with Jasmine shortly after David and I broke up. Jasmine and I had become really close over the past year, ever since Sphinx turned my internship into a full-time position after graduation. Not to mention, after the downfall of Renee and now David, she was really the only person I had left.
After Jasmine insisted that I stay with her, I went to David’s place while he was at work, packed up all my things, and moved them into Jasmine’s house.
And then, I proceeded to lose my mind.
The first few days were a blur. I couldn’t even process what was happening. I just absentmindedly carried my boxes into Jasmine’s house, dumped them onto the floor, and stared at them. Fortunately, Jasmine owned a decent-sized house in Culver City and lived alone, so there was plenty of room for my things. Unfortunately, I was the last person in the world that anyone would want as a roommate.
I managed to keep it together when Jasmine was home, but the second she left for work, I lost it. I tried to eat, sleep, watch TV, but all I could think of was David. I replayed our memories in my head. I analyzed every conversation, every experience, every detail. I cried until I didn’t have any tears left.
Then came the denial.
After the initial shock wore off, I decided that maybe I had jumped the gun by moving out. I convinced myself that once David had some time to himself, he would see how much he missed me and realize he’d made a huge mistake. He just needed a little space. Then he’d remember the way our relationship used to be and want me back.
So naturally, I did what every insane ex-girlfriend does. I drunk-dialed him.
Jasmine had gone to meet one of her clients at a happy hour, leaving me all by my lonesome. Thus, I proceeded to drink an entire bottle of wine, which resulted in me leaving David a completely asinine voicemail that consisted of slurring, crying, and longwinded ramblings that I was convinced made complete sense at the time. Which then resulted in me psychotically watching my silent phone like a shoplifter for the next week.
Note to self: the recently dumped need a live-in babysitter.
It’s funny how people’s brains work when they get dumped. Instead of attempting to react somewhat rational, we do the complete opposite. We put this person on the highest pedestal possible, and suddenly the dumper becomes this saintly creature that we’d do anything to see and touch again. They become Jesus. Brad Pitt. The perfect, unattainable human being. All of their bad qualities magically vanish, and we can only remember the good. Our brains conveniently erase all of the fights, all of the times he left the toilet seat up, and instead we remember that one time he bought us flowers, that first kiss, the way he smiled. Meanwhile, we should be hating the bastard for hacking our heart into tiny pieces.
After several tortuous days staring at my mean, mocking, silent phone, I devised one final plan that I was sure would make me feel better. I knew that David typically got home from work around 6.30, so brainiac me thought it would be a genius idea to stop by his place and talk to him face to face. I figured the best-case scenario was that once he saw me he would remember why he fell in love with me in the first place and want to work things out. And worst-case scenario, if he told me to take a flying leap out of his life permanently, at least I’d have some closure. A girl’s gotta have her closure.
What I didn’t expect was his pitch-dark, vacant apartment to send my mental state into a whole new whirlwind of crazy.
Where was he? Why wasn’t he home? Was he out on a date? Could he have met someone already?
Alas, I probably should have given myself some time off before returning to work.
The following morning, Vincent called me into his office and asked me to shut the door. That was never a good sign. None of the managers at Sphinx ever shut their doors unless they were discussing confidential company info, gossiping, or reprimanding an employee.
I closed the door behind me and took a seat across from him, preparing for the worst.
“Justine, I know you’re having some personal problems right now,” he began, looking at me with concerned eyes. “And I just want you to know that if you need to take more time to sort things out, it’s okay with me.”
I waited for him to continue. “Is that it?” I asked. “That’s why you wanted to see me?”
“Well, yes,” he said hesitantly. “I don’t want your work to suffer because you’re not focused. And a few things were brought to my attention this morning that I need to address with you.”
“Okay. What sort of things?”
He shifted in his seat, visibly uncomfortable. “Well, this is hard for me, because I like you as a person and I don’t want to come down on you. But when you updated the company Facebook page this morning with our new Galactic game info, you forgot to include the link to the trailer. We have over 300,000 followers, so it’s not exactly the best representation for the company.”
“I’m sorry,” I said flatly, even though I wasn’t the slightest bit apologetic. Sphinx’s reputation was the least of my concerns.
“And the weekly marketing report you sent out, you forgot to include me on the email.” He waved his hand like he was sweeping the issue under the rug. “But again, I’m not trying to be hard on you. You’re always efficient at your job, so I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”
I felt tears well up in the corners of my eyes. “No, I’m not okay,” I blurted out, wiping my cheeks. “My boyfriend left me, my best friend won’t speak to me, and I have no place to live.” I grabbed a Kleenex from a box on his desk and wiped my nose. “I am definitely not okay.”
Vincent inched closer to me. “Justine, these situations are never easy, but you’ll get through it. Just please know that I will help you in any way I can. If you need any help financially to get settled into a new apartment, let me know. Seriously. Anything you need.”
For a brief second, in my fragile state, I thought that maybe I had misjudged Vincent. At that moment, sitting across from me, he seemed like such a concerned, caring, father figure who genuinely looked out for people. Maybe he was just staying in an unhappy marriage because he loved his son. Maybe flirting with young women was the only way he felt any sort of love anymore. Maybe I had been too hard on him.
“Vincent, thank you for offering,” I said. “But honestly, I could never take any money from you. I don’t know when I’d even be able to pay you back.”
Vincent slid even further forward in his seat, taking both of my hands in his. “Oh, I’m sure we could think of some other way for you to pay me back,” he whispered, grinning devilishly.
Or maybe he was still the same cheating slimeball that got his kicks preying on young, vulnerable women.
At that moment, something in me exploded. Memories of Vincent at the Penthouse, Renee’s empty room, David’s bored eyes. They all came in one giant wave, like a fire slowly spreading throughout my entire body.
“You know what, Vincent,” I said, rising from my chair. “I’m done.”
He looked at me with a confused expression. “With?”
“This.” I motioned around his office. To the walls of the kick-ass company I was about to leave. To the view of the beautiful city that was about to be behind me. To the life I had thought would make me happy. “All of this. I
’m done.”
As I walked through Sphinx’s parking lot carrying a small box of my personal items, I was overcome with a sense of freedom. You would think that losing everything would leave me feeling empty and alone, but it was the exact opposite. I had officially hit rock bottom, which meant there was only one direction that my life could go.
Onward and upward, baby.
I was done crying. And moping. And feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I was going to take initiative and get my life back on track.
Which, unfortunately, had to start with a very uncomfortable phone call.
Beth Broadley was a childhood friend of Renee’s and the one person who would undoubtedly know of her whereabouts, besides Renee’s parents. And I sure as hell wasn’t calling them.
Beth had become an acquaintance of mine through Renee, but she hadn’t hung around with us a lot in high school. Beth was more of a relationship girl and always had steady boyfriends, whereas Renee and I were more of the party-girl type. I liked Beth, but she was sometimes a little too blunt for my taste, which was exactly why I was dreading the phone call I was about to make.
But shit, if I was going to get my life back on track, I had to start somewhere.
I drove down Lincoln Boulevard with my Bluetooth in my ear, nervously tapping the steering wheel until Beth answered. It took a good five seconds before she responded to my introduction.
“Hi,” she said slowly, as if she was trying to decipher if it was really me or a prank caller. “How… um… what are…”
“I’m sure you know the whole story,” I interrupted. “And I’m sure I’m the last person you want to talk to right now. But I need your help.”
I expected some sort of rebuttal, or a lecture about what a terrible, heartless person I was, but to my surprise, all she said was, “Okay.”
And then, everything poured out of me – from my date with Vincent to spending the week with David to quitting my job at Sphinx. Everything. And before I knew it, over an hour had passed and I was sitting in my car in Jasmine’s driveway, crying to the one person I never thought would listen.
Love Bites Page 11