After leaving Kenndrix's house I decided to make one more stop before I went back home to wait for Bowie. As I pass through the metal gates, I'm shocked to see Bowie's car parked just up the road. I pull in behind him and cut my engine. He must not have heard me come in because he's sitting on the ground talking to the slab of stone in front of him. I don't think I expected to see Bowie here talking to his parents, but it actually makes sense. The James' were a very close family, and I envied that. However, from the moment I met his parents, I was like part of the family. I can tell from my spot beside my truck that Bowie is crying. Memories flood from the first time I saw Bowie cry.
Chapter 16
Breaking Bowie
Hollis
It had been a couple of months since that first kiss with Bowie in the field that had become our place. In the past two months, Bowie and his family had become the one constant that Alex and I had. After Bowie and I got out of school we stopped by Burt's Drive-In and grabbed some food before going to my house and getting Alex. We'd all go to the park and eat then we'd watch while he played. The only time these plans were different was when Bowie's family had a family dinner night. It happened three times a week. The first time Bowie had insisted on taking Alex and me to family dinner night I had been a nervous wreck. However, I quickly found that Bowie's parents were great! They had instantly welcomed us, treating us no different than they did their own children. As we were leaving his mom who was suffering from cancer pulled me in for a hug and told me to make sure I came back. Alex and I had been to every family dinner since. Although there were times when family dinner consisted of pizza or something simple because sometimes Annie, Bowie's mom didn't feel like cooking.
Tonight was family dinner night. Alex and I were ready and waiting but Bowie hadn't shown up at his normal time. I could feel the worry start to creep in through my body. What if something had happened to Annie? What if something had happened to his dad or one of his brothers? What if something had happened to him? Then there was the one question that terrified me to even think but what if he had changed his mind about me? I knew that I was falling in love with him but what if he didn't feel the same about me. What if Alex and I were just too much of a burden? I heard Alex say something but didn't really comprehend it but his tiny hand found my shirt and yanked to get my attention. I followed his raised finger in the direction of the street. I was shocked to see Axell's car pulling to a stop but Alex was already running toward the oldest James brother. Alex adored Axell but I think the feelings were mutual. I watched as Alex made a mad dash across the yard and jumped into Axell's arms. My heart stopped for a moment but as soon as Axell caught Alex I was reminded that my worry was useless.
I got up from the slanted, worn step of our porch and made my way toward them, "Where's Bowie?"
I saw the flash of worry in Axell's eyes before he put Alex down and told him to hop in the car so he could talk to me, "We got some news today and Bowie stormed out. I haven't seen or heard from him since."
News? What kind of news? That's what I wanted to ask, but it wasn't my place to pry into their family business but if I had to guess it had to do with Annie. I had noticed that she had been getting thinner and paler with each time I saw her not to mention weaker while the dark circles under her eyes just grew darker, "Look, if things are that bad Alex and I can stay here. We'll be fine. You didn't have to come all the way here for us."
Axell lets out a small chuckle, "First of all, news or no news it's still family dinner night, my mom wouldn't let us not have that. Second of all, she told me I'd better get my butt down here to get the two of you, so y'all are expected. Finally, Bowie is going to need you."
"Need me?"
His head nods before he starts to speak again, "Look I don't get it. I've always been the wildest one out of the bunch and Bowie always just followed right behind me. I won't lie to you because I'm sure you know his reputation but I think part of the reason Bowie raced was for the attention. Bowie's never been a calm person but with you... he is. You calm him somehow. You understand him in a way that none of us do. I'm not sure how or why but I know that right now and over the next few months I'm going to be very thankful for you. however, you're going to have a hard time with Bowie. He's going to push you away. He's going to shut down because that's how he processes but I just hope you can remember that he needs you when he's an ass to you."
"I'm good with hard, Axell. In case you missed my fabulous living situation but at least the hard with Bowie is worth it. He's worth it. I'll always remember that, even when he's an ass," I tell Axell with a smile.
He laughs and opens the passenger side door, "I knew there was a reason I liked you."
****
As we were heading back to the James' house we passed by the cemetery and to my surprise, I saw Bowie's car sitting along the path. "Axell," I say. He instantly slowed as he noticed the car then made a U-turn on the side street. He pulled up to the gates, and I glanced at him. I knew that I had to be the one to go find Bowie. Axell needed to get back to his house and Alex would be fine with him, "I'm going to go find Bowie. Do you mind taking Alex?" He gave me a smile and said no problem. I turned around and to face my baby brother's chubby face. "I have to go get Bowie but Axell is going to take you over for dinner. You be on your best behavior, mind your manners and listen to what they tell you."
"Yes ma'am," Alex said with a smile that made his dimples deepen. He always minded his manners, so I wasn't sure why I even told him that but it seemed right at the time. I blew him a kiss then got out of the car. I walked a ways before I saw Bowie sitting on up on a bench underneath a tree. As I made my way to him, I couldn't figure out why he'd be sitting in a cemetery by himself. The closer I got the more I could see how distraught he was. He postures looked defeated, his face was twisted in pain, emotional pain. His face was wet from tears. He looked up as I approached him and quickly wiped his hands over his face trying to wipe away the evidence of his breakdown.
"What are you doing here baby?" he asks but even his voice sounded thick with emotion.
I take a seat next to him on the bench, "Axell came to pick up Alex and me for the family dinner."
"Shit! Is it that time already?" I just nod in reply to his question, "I'm sorry time got away from me."
I shrug, "It's okay."
"No! I made a promise to you and I broke it, that's not okay Hollis. It's never okay for someone to break a promise like that," he says, and I can hear the anger underlying every word.
I reach up tentatively and caress his cheek, "Bowie, it's okay really. Alex and I survived before you and we could have survived one night without you but we'd rather not. Listen, I don't know what has you so upset and I won't try to convince you to talk to me but know that I'm here if you ever want to."
He studied me for a long time before he found the words to let me in.
****
Bowie
I had been sitting in the cemetery for an unmeasured amount of time. After the news, I had driven around for a while before pulling through the gates of the cemetery. I saw the bench and decided to sit under the tree and let the fresh air clear my mind. I had checked my watch and knew I had to pick up Hollis and Alex in a little over an hour. As I sat on the bench, I tried to wrap my head around the upcoming reality we would all face. It's funny how life doesn't give a damn about what you want. It just throws all this shit at you not caring if you want it, not caring if you can handle it. Anger and sadness overtook every part of my body as I sat in that cemetery until I heard her voice.
Looking up, I saw Hollis standing there with uncertainty in her eyes. There was also a string of nervousness there. Seeing her eyes and hearing her voice jolted me back to my current reality. After realizing that she wasn't just something I had created I cursed. I had let time get away from me and I forgot to pick up Alex and her. Mentally, I cursed and kicked my ass. How did I get so wound up in my own life that I forgot about them? I knew that they wouldn'
t have anything to eat if I didn't pick them up tonight. It's just with everything that had happened from the time I walked through my front door until now was a whirlwind of emotions and emotions were something I wasn't good at.
Hollis took a seat next to me, not saying a word like she knew exactly what I needed. Just her presence calmed me in a way nothing else could. I drew strength from her. She didn't see it but she was so unbelievably strong, it was staggering. Once I managed to find my voice, and we started talking anger laced my voice and it was the last thing I wanted. I wasn't angry with her. I wasn't angry at anyone I was just angry with the situation our lives had been put in. Someone as good as Hollis and as innocent as Alex didn't deserve the shitty life they had been dealt. They didn't deserve drug infested parents, a rundown shack to call home and barely enough food to keep a mouse alive. No, they deserved the world, and I had intended on trying to give them that but could I when I was so broken myself? Broken and angry.
Hollis never tried to force me to talk because she knew it would do no good but she did always make it a point to let me know that she was here if I needed to vent. I guess I needed to vent because the next thing I know I'm throwing everything out there on her shoulders. "We got news today... about mom," I pause to swallow past the lump in my throat, "Her body has stopped responding to treatments. There's nothing else they can do for her but try to make her comfortable at this point. They gave her three months." I feel the moisture in my eyes. I had made a promise a long time ago that no one would ever see me cry but Hollis isn't just anyone and I can't stop the tears now if I tried.
Hollis is standing in between my legs and I rest my head on her stomach as I hold on to her as if she's my lifeline. Her hands run through my hair while giving me the time I need to let it all go. After sometimes I pull her down to sit in my lap. She runs one of her tiny hands over the side of my face, "Thank you for telling me. Thank you for letting me in. I'll help in any way I can."
"You already did," I tell her before pressing my lips to hers. When I pull back, I rest my forehead against hers. I've already thrown everything else out there so I might as well make a day of it. I squeeze my eyes shut, "Hollis."
"Bowie, open your eyes," I open them and meet her stormy gray eyes, "Whatever you have to say can't be that bad."
"I love you," I blurt out before I can chicken out.
A smile that could light up the world comes across her face, "I love you too."
Chapter 17
Bowie
I didn’t plan on coming here today. Actually, it was the last place I had thought I’d be but somehow I’m here. It’s like my mind knew I needed to be here so it guided me here without me realizing it. I had sat inside my car for a good while after I had put it in park. I had stared out at the many cement slabs that marked the loved one's people had lost. This place was too full for my liking with mom, dad, Harlyn, Harper, and Alex already here. With that thought of Alex, Hollis entered my mind. Selfishly, I’m so glad that it was him instead of her. I know that Hollis would have gladly traded places with him and I get that because I’d trade with any one of my brothers if it came down to it. However, the thought of Hollis leaving this world rips me in ways I didn’t even know was possible.
I had been such a mess after she had left I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible I would have been if she had been in the house that night, if there had been four body bags instead of three. That thought chills me to my bone, to the very core of me because if I’m honest Hollis is the core of me. Hollis was something different for me. Racing was my addiction had been since the moment I saw my first race and the feeling only intensified when I slid behind the wheel of a car. I chased the blur of life. I chased the adrenaline that pumped through my veins. I chased that feeling of my stomach dropping to my feet and navigating purely on basic instinct. Until I met Hollis nothing compared to any of that. Day-to-day life was boring, it was all routines, worries, and sleep but when I was racing, it was so much more. Then she happened.
Hollis felt like the ultimate race to me. When I had first run into her, I was convinced that I just needed to be with her once then I could move on, just like every other girl. That had been my fatal mistake because Hollis could never be like every other girl. Hollis was so much more than makeup, hair, good body and clothes. Hollis had a light burning within those stormy gray eyes. She strived for a life that had never been granted to her. I recognized something in her and it drew me in. Before I knew it I was drowning within her, she had pulled me in like the current and held me under with crashing waves as she let me in, piece by piece. Everyone had a fear of drowning but when Hollis was the one drowning you it was the most amazing thing in the world.
As I approach my first stop I speak, “Hey little man," I tell Alex. “So I don’t know if you already know or not but I’m marrying your sister today. I’m one lucky son of a gun but I wanted to ask you for permission to marry her. You were the only piece of the family she had and she loved you and I know that she’s going to miss you so much today. As she’s walking toward me I’m going to see you there with her because if you were here you would be the one walking her to me,” I take a minute to gain control over my emotions, “I hope you’re happy for us but mostly I hope you found peace. Your life was cut too short, and you never got to experience much but you did get to experience the best love of all because you were loved by Hollis and nothing tops that.” I stand up and clear my throat. “Miss you, little man,” I say, as I turn to walk away.
On my next stop, I take a seat in the still damp grass. “Sorry mama, I wasn’t planning on being here today, so I didn’t bring flowers. I have some news. Yeah, yeah I know I haven’t had news in all these years until a few months ago when Hollis returned,” I chuckle to myself. “You know I bet you guys already know my news because mama predicted it the day before she passed away. Hollis and I are getting married today.” I take a deep breath as the memory floods back to me.
Alex was gone, Hollis was gone and now mom would be too. We knew her battle was coming to an end. She had fought so hard these past couple of years. She had suffered so much these past few months that I couldn’t bear to be in this house more than necessary. I kept busy working and racing. When I was here reality hit me and reality was harsh right now. However, dad asked Axell, Jagger and I to stick around today because mom asked to speak with us. Ace had already been dropped off at the school bus. I hated that he had to go to school why didn’t he get to say goodbye? Out of all of us, he would need it the most. Yeah, he was young, but he wasn’t dumb, he knew things were bad. He was the closest to mom, he should be here damn it.
Jovi was at the neighbors. Mom couldn’t watch the growing toddler anymore so while dad worked one of our neighbors kept him. I wanted to curse. I wanted to scream as the anger floored my body. I jumped up and began pacing the small living room. All of this was so unfair! Life was unfair! I know that everyone has always said that but I don’t think I realized just how right they were until these last few months. Alex being shot in his own house because of his parent’s life decisions was unfair. Hollis running away without saying goodbye to avoid being thrown into the system was unfair. Mom, my mom, who was beautiful and caring and loving having to die this long, drawn-out death was unfair. Ace having to lose her was unfair. Jovi never getting to know her was unfair. Dad never having another late night dance in the living room with her was unfair. Axell never being able to help her with the dishes again was unfair. Jagger never being hollered at to help out because she needed his height was unfair. It was all unfair. Alex didn’t deserve the life he had been dealt. Hollis didn’t deserve this and my mom sure as hell didn’t deserve this! It was bullshit!
Axell had come and gone from our mother’s room. Jagger had come and gone as well. It was now my turn why had she left me for last? She knew I couldn’t deal with this as well as Axell and Jagger. Jagger was the one who was most in touch with his emotions so he wasn’t ashamed to let us see him break down. Axell was
the strongest one so he wouldn’t break down but me, I couldn’t hold it together and I’d be damned if anyone saw me lose my shit.
My dad stepped into our tiny living room running a hand over his long hair that was pulled back into his signature ponytail. The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. I attempted to take a deep breath to try to prepare for this but there was nothing that could prepare me for this. As I entered the bedroom, I saw my mom lying in the bed. She still looked like my mom but then again she didn’t. Even on her last day she still held that light in her eyes. She motioned for me to come sit by her when I stood in the doorway. Reluctantly, I made my way to her. Once I was sitting, she caressed my cheek just like Hollis did to comfort me, “Bowie, I know you’re hurting more so than your brothers, losing Hollis. Well, losing love is not something I’d even wish on my worst enemy.”
I scoffed, “What did we know about love? We were just kids.”
She shook her head and forced me to meet her eyes, “Kids or not, you know it was love. Everyone around you knew it was love. Hollis knew it was love and I’m sure her decision to leave was not an easy one for her to make.”
“Yeah, so hard that she couldn’t even say goodbye,” I said sarcastically.
My mom gripped my chin with much more force than I thought she could have in her frail body, “Bowie Ryan James I did not raise you to wallow in a pity party. Put yourself in Hollis’ shoes, she’s lost all the family she had, she abandoned all she knew, and she was having to leave you did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe saying goodbye was too hard, too difficult for her in light of everything in her life blowing up? Now, you love that girl and she loves you and someday you’re going to marry her.”
“Mom, she left so I don’t think marriage is an option.”
Force of Impact (The James Brothers Series Book 3) Page 10