There. I’ve handed it to him to throw back in my face. I sit up and square my shoulders, bracing myself for the impact of rejection. But amazingly, it doesn’t come.
“Do you mind if I sit down?” Danny asks.
“Uh, not at all,” I say, scooching over to make room for him on my towel. He sits down, close enough that I can feel the warmth radiating from his skin, but not so close that I feel crowded and uncomfortable. His legs are muscular, covered with fine hair that’s been bleached with the sun and a light dusting of sand.
“I heard that, too,” he admits. “You know, it really surprised me because you’re one of the most together girls I’ve ever met.”
I burst out laughing. It’s not like I’m being rude or anything, but I can’t help seeing humor in the chasm between how Danny sees me and the walking disaster area that’s been the real Janie Ryman.
“What?” he says. “What’s so funny?”
“I just can’t believe you think I’m together when I just got out of what is basically a mental hospital after swallowing a handful of Xanax.”
My eyes drop from his face to stare at my toes, half buried in the sand. “Especially since … well, especially since the last time you saw me I was crying and covered in chocolate puke at Jenny’s wedding. I mean seriously, dude, how much less together can a girl get?”
He puts his hand on my knee. Surprised, I turn to look at him; his touch brings a mixture of shock and strangely … excitement. His eyes leave mine and he looks out over the horizon. “Janie, even crying hysterically and covered in puke while wearing what must be the most hideous bridesmaid dress in nuptial history …”
I laugh, because having been seen in public wearing that lemon-meringue bridesmaid’s dress, which I was so sure Jenny and Clarissa chose just to spite me, seemed like such a huge trauma at the time, but now, in light of everything I’ve been through, it just seems so incredibly … minor.
“Well, despite all of those things — you know, the puke patterns actually improved that dress, which is saying something …”
“Despite all of those things what?”
“Despite all of those things, you are still one of the most beautiful and together girls I’ve ever met.”
I must have been out in the sun for too long. Or maybe I’ve got water in my ears. Or sand in my brain. There’s just no way in hell that I could have heard Danny correctly. Not a chance.
I turn to look at him, but he’s still staring out at the horizon with the fixed intensity of a Secret Service agent.
“Say something,” he says softly.
“Something.”
The corner of his mouth turns up slightly, like he wants to smile but his face muscles are too tight to let him. He’s still resolutely looking anywhere but at me.
“Something else, you dork!”
What can I say? What should I say? I feel a familiar wave of panic in my stomach. I don’t want to blow this by saying the wrong thing. Danny has been my friend since what seems like forever, always funny, always teasing, always … there. Even when he’s giving me a hard time about something, it’s always been with this underpinning of … I don’t know … kindness? Friendship? Maybe … love?
It’s strange. I’ve always been attracted to the bad boys, who are good-looking, dangerous, out of reach. The guys who either look right through me, or just use me without even trying to know who I really am. The Matt Lewises of this world.
But Danny has always been different: trustworthy, safe, comfortable, but just not … exciting. Except now, I feel this current between us that is anything but boring. Maybe I’ve been guilty of looking right through Danny.
I decide to give him another gift of trust.
“That was the worst night of my life,” I whisper. “I acted like a complete idiot. I upset Jenny on her wedding day, and all over that moron, Matt Lewis, who didn’t deserve me anyway.”
Danny finally pries his eyes from the horizon.
“I’ll say. Anyway, don’t be too hard on yourself, Janie,” he says with a grin. “You know, even perfect, together girls like you are entitled to make a mistake once in a while.”
I do what any self-respecting girl in my position would do. I punch him.
“OW!” he says, grabbing my hand and tickling my side where he knows I’m extra ticklish. All of a sudden we’re giggling and wrestling like when we were in grade school, except this time when he finally leans across to pin me to the towel, we stop laughing. I gaze up into his eyes.
His mouth is a few inches away from mine when he says, “I wish, more than anything, that I’d punched Matt Lewis that night. It makes me crazy that he hurt you like that.”
“Me, too,” I whisper.
I think he’s going to kiss me. I want him to kiss me. I’m scared to death of him kissing me.
“Hey, Danny! If I’d known you were coming, I’d have gotten three ice creams.”
What do you know? I’m Saved by the Fudgsicle, and I’m not entirely sure I’m happy about it. But I guess it gives me a chance to get used to the idea of Danny Epstein as someone other than my childhood friend, as someone that I actually might want to kiss.
“Hey, Critelli! You’ll just have to let me eat half of yours now, won’t you?” Danny says.
“As if! If you think I’m sharing my Toasted Almond with anyone, you’ve got another thing coming, dude!”
“Girls. All they ever think about is food,” Danny says.
I see Kelsey give him a dirty look and he cringes.
“I’m such a jerk. I’m sorry, Janie. I shouldn’t joke about that.”
I can tell I need to nip this in the bud.
“Well, yeah, you are a jerk … but seriously, guys, you’ve got to stop tiptoeing around me. Around every mention of food. I’m not going to run and stick my finger down my throat just because you crack a joke.”
They exchange glances, seeking nonverbal opinions if they should take my word on this. I take a bite of my Fudgsicle. I’m starting to get mad.
“See. I can even eat ice cream. You can make me sit here for half an hour afterward if you want just to check up on me. Kelsey can accompany me to the john to make sure I don’t purge, if you’re that worried. Sorry, Danny, boys not allowed.”
The expression of shock on both of their faces is comical. I’m about to reach for my cell phone to snap a picture of them, mouths open, eyes wide. I guess people aren’t used to me opening my mouth to speak up when I’m not on stage in a play using other people’s words. But having done it, I feel brave, reckless almost. Maybe Dr. Pardy was right about this “using your voice” business. I reach my hand up to Danny’s chin and gently push his jaw closed.
“You’d better shut your mouth, Epstein, or you’ll be catching flies in there,” I say.
I take a bite of Fudgsicle and hand the rest to Danny.
“I need to take a swim,” I say, and feeling lighter and happier than I have felt in years, I run down to the water and dive in.
Floating on my back, eyes closed, I feel at peace with myself and the world, and I’m able to really “live in the moment,” as Ali would say. A few minutes later I hear splashes and Danny and Kelsey are there, floating beside me.
I know I’ll never be completely cured, because being bulimic isn’t like being an alcoholic. I can’t say, “I’ll never eat again,” because then I’d be anorexic and risk ending up like Helen. I know I have to face my “enemy,” food, at least three times a day every day for the rest of my life. But lying here in the water, the sun shining on my face with my best friends in the outside world by my side, and the supportive voices of my Golden Slopes friends in my head instead of that self-critical inner voice, I know I can do this. Because once you’ve faced down a plate of cucumbers and won, anything is possible.
Ellen Wittlinger is this book’s fairy godmother. She wove her magic during a workshop on inspiration at the 2006 Kindling Words retreat in Vermont. Thanks to all KW participants that year, particularly Nancy Werlin, Sarah Aro
nson, Elise Broach, and Chris Tebbetts, for helping me to reconnect with my writing process.
Thanks to Robin Friedman for the title.
My agent, Jodi Reamer, deserves a medal.
Bill Buschel, Gay Morris, Susan Warner, Steve Fondiller, Alan Shulman, and the amazing Diana Klemin critiqued this work with humor and love.
Jen Rees and David Levithan are editors who make revising fun.
Thanks to my family, Susan and Stanley Darer, John Darer, Anne Darer and Mark Davis, Dylan and Daniel Davis, and Lindsay Cullingford (a.k.a. “Mary Poppins”) for their love and support.
Hank Eskin keeps me grounded and knows when to provide chocolate.
My children, Joshua and Amie, give my life meaning in so many wonderful ways and allow me to embarrass them by the mere fact of my existence. I love you.
Lastly, to all the patients and professionals I encountered in my journey to recovery … thank you. I’ve learned so much from each and every one of you.
If you think you have a problem with body image or food, remember — you’re not alone. The best thing you can do is to seek help, even though the insidious voice of your eating disorder will try to talk you out of it. Be warned that when you do seek help, you might not always get the best response. When I finally got up the courage to admit to my doctor that I was bulimic, the first thing he said to me was, “I suppose telling you to stop won’t do any good.” I felt like saying, “Well, DUH! If I could just stop, I wouldn’t be here asking you for help, would I?” But don’t give up! I thank heaven for the Internet, where I was able to find more supportive voices. And fortunately, a year or so later, I found The Wilkins Center and Dr. Diane Mickley, a doctor with an infinitely more constructive approach. That made all the difference for my recovery.
WEB SITES
National Eating Disorders Association
www.edap.org
Offers a wealth of resources, including a toll-free treatment referral help line (1-800-931-2237) and curricula for teaching healthy body image to school-age children. NEDA also sponsors National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.
Bulimia Nervosa Resource Guide
www.bulimiaguide.org
From the ECRI Institute, a comprehensive, free resource on bulimia nervosa available for download in PDF format.
Something Fishy
www.something-fishy.org
A safe environment to support recovery. Includes information and online message boards to help connect people suffering from eating disorders.
Academy for Eating Disorders
http://aedweb.org
A global organization for eating disorder professionals and a wonderful source for all the latest research in the field.
ANAD
(National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Eating Disorders)
http://www.anad.org
In addition to great information, ANAD offers speakers for schools and has links to clinics and therapists that specialize in the treatment of eating disorders.
BOOKS
The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. Tracks how the emphasis has changed from developing a girl’s character to focusing on her looks, over the course of the last century.
Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too by Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge. Humorous and powerful, Schaefer learns to visualize her eating disorder as “Ed,” a unique personality separate from her own — and an abusive one at that — and gains the strength to “divorce” the rotten, no-good scoundrel.
The Body Betrayed: A Deeper Understanding of Women, Eating Disorders, and Treatment by Kathryn J. Zerbe, MD. An intelligent, sensitively written book about the causes of eating disorders.
101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body by Brenda Lane Richardson and Elane Rehr. This book has practical strategies for parents to try to counteract the negative messages that bombard girls on a daily basis.
In addition, Gurze Books (http://www.gurze.com) specializes in books, videos, and periodicals about eating disorders, and their site is worth checking out.
TREATMENT
The Wilkins Center for Eating Disorders
http://wilkinscenter.com
An outpatient facility in Greenwich, CT, founded by the truly inspirational Dr. Diane Mickley.
Eating Disorder Referral and Information Center
www.edreferral.com
Offers referrals to eating disorder specialists and treatment facilities on a state-by-state basis.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SARAH DARER LITTMAN was inspired to write Purge when she found a photo of her thin sixteen-year-old self and still remembered vividly how fat and ugly she felt at the time.
Sarah’s widely praised first novel for middle-grade readers, Confessions of a Closet Catholic, won the 2006 Sydney Taylor Book Award. She lives in Connecticut with her two children and their dog, Benny, in a house that never seems to have enough bookshelves.
Purge is Sarah’s first novel for young adults.
This book was originally published in hardcover by Scholastic Press in 2009.
Copyright © 2009 by Sarah Darer Littman
All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Press, an imprint of Scholastic Inc., Publishers since 1920. SCHOLASTIC, SCHOLASTIC PRESS, and associated logos are trademarks and/or registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.
First Scholastic paperback printing, April 2010
Cover photo © PhotoAlto/Odilon Dimier/GettyImages
Cover design by Steve Scott
e-ISBN 978-0-545-31207-3
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher. For information regarding permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557 Broadway, New York, NY 10012.
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