by Mike Thaler
THE
AUTHOR VISIT
FROM THE
BLACK LAGOON
®
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The Black Lagoon
by Mike Thaler
Illustrated by Jared Lee
SCHOLASTIC INC.
New York Toronto London Auckland
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THE
AUTHOR VISIT
FROM THE
BLACK LAGOON
®
To authors of all ages
—M.T.
To Peggy Sheets
—J.L.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright
Conventions. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted,
downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into
any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means,
whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without
the express written permission of the publisher. For information regarding
permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557
Broadway, New York, NY 10012.
e-ISBN 978-0-545-37565-8
Text copyright © 2010 by Mike Thaler
Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Jared D. Lee Studio, Inc.
All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc.
SCHOLASTIC, LITTLE APPLE, and associated logos are trademarks and/or
registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc. BLACK LAGOON is a registered
trademark of Mike Thaler and Jared D. Lee Studio, Inc. All rights reserved.
Lexile is a registered trademark of MetaMetrics, Inc.
First printing, November 2010
Contents
Chapter 1: Booking an Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6
Chapter 2: Checking Them Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16
Chapter 3: Destination Imagination . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Chapter 4: I Love a Parade . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Chapter 5: Ready to Read . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
Chapter 6: Footnotes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38
Chapter 7: Getting Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
Chapter 8: Greetings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
Chapter 9: Bad Press . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Chapter 10: Just Right . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54
Chapter 11: Straight from the Author’s Mouth . . . . . 58
CHAPTER 1
booking an author
A real live author is going
to come to our school. I guess
that’s better than having a real
dead one. There are so many to
choose from. There are tons of
good books.
6
7
Mrs. Green says that if all the
good books were put end to end,
you could read all the way to the
moon and back. You’d really be
spaced-out.
Eric says that if you put all the
authors end to end they’d look
pretty silly.
I’m on the author selection
committee with Eric, Derek,
Penny, Randy, Freddy, and
Doris. Freddy wants to invite a
cookbook author. Penny and
Doris are pushing for a girls’
book author. “
Cute
little kittens,
sweet
little horsies, and
princess
ballerinas” . . . pink, pink, pink.
8
9
Eric, Derek, and I are holding
out for a monster book author like
Gravely Stone, Reggy Mortis, or
Dinah Sore.
10
11
Randy says authors with two
initials in their names are better
writers than ones without any.
“Like who?” asks Eric.
“J.K. Rowling, E. B. White, and
C. S. Lewis,” answers Randy.
“That’s silly,” says Penny.
“There are great writers with no
initials.”
12
“Like who?” snickers Randy.
“Like Shakespeare, Tolstoy,
and Homer,” says Penny.
“There’s even a great writer
with no name,” I say.
“Who?” says everybody.
“Annie Nonymous.” I smile.
13
Our librarian, Mrs. Beamster,
would like Mr. Webster, the guy
who wrote the dictionary. And
Mrs. Green wants a Blueberry
Award winner.
14
We can’t please everybody,
so we finally decide on Penny
Inkblot. I’ve never read any of
her books, but now I’ll have to. In
fact, everyone in school will, too.
15
CHAPTER 2
checking them out
We ask Mrs. Beamster about
writers.
She smiles.
“There are lots of good writers.
They stretch like a mountain
range throughout history. Some
of the peaks are William Shake-A-
Spear, who wrote plays, Charles
Dickens, who wrote novels, and
William Butler Yeats, who wrote
poetry.”
16
“Are any of them alive?” I ask.
“They’re all alive when you
open the pages of their books,”
answers Mrs. Beamster.
“Do they do school visits?” I
ask.
“Not anymore,” says Mrs.
Beamster.
17
“Have you ever heard of Penny
Inkblot?” asks Penny.
“She’s a terrific writer,”
answers Mrs. Beamster.
“Do you have any of her
books?” I ask.
18
“Lots, but they’re all checked
out.”
“Bummer!” But it’s not too bad
because now Mom will take me
to the bookstore tonight.
19
CHAPTER 3
Destination
Imagination
After school, Eric and I have a
deep conversation.
“I’d like to be an author when I
grow up,” I say.
“I’d like to be an astronaut,”
says Eric.
“Why?” I ask.
20
“When you’re an astronaut, you
get to travel to other worlds. Why
do you want to be a writer?”
21
“When you’re a writer, you get
to create other worlds.”
“For instance?” asks Eric.
“For instance, Middle-earth,
Wonderland, Oz, and Hogwarts.” I
answer.
“You mean those places
aren’t
real?”
22
“They’re all real in our
imaginations.”
“How about Treasure Island?”
“Imagination,” I smile.
“You mean I can’t fly there on
vacation?”
“Sure you can . . . in a book.”
23
CHAPTER 4
I love a parade
After dinner, Mom takes me to
the bookstore. I love to browse.
I walk up and down the aisles.
Every book is waiting to tell me
something. The covers are like
carnival barkers shouting, “Open
me, read me, and I’ll tell you
wonderful things. I’ll make you
laugh, I’ll make you cry, I can
even make you fly.”
24
25
I finally make it to Penny
Inkblot’s books. All her titles
sound cool:
The Underwear-wolf
,
Drac-cola
,
Dinosaurs in Space
,
You Can’t Chew Gum with Your
Nose
,
Fangenstein
, and
Zitwit
.
26
It takes me until closing to
choose. But as they’re shutting
out the lights, I pick
Drac-cola
. I
can’t wait to read it.
28
29
CHAPTER 5
ready to read
I start reading in the van, even
though I get a little dizzy. The
book is about a vampire that
drinks soda pop instead of blood.
A vampire that drives a van would
be called a
vanpire
. He breaks his
fangs off biting into a cola can.
All the other vampires make fun
of him. They call him “deadhead”
and “toothless ruthless.” It’s a
biting satire.
30
31
He reads about a new-fangled
invention that might help, so his
mom takes him to the dentist to
get a set of false fangs. This is
really a story you can sink your
teeth into.
32
33
That night I have a dream. . . .
I’m a famous author. My book has
won the Blueberry Award and
I’ve been invited to Transylvania
to talk at a night school. I go in
and all the kids are vampires.
It’s a holiday—
Fangsgiving
. I’m
there for the whole vampire week:
Moanday
,
Toothday
,
Veinsday
,
Thirstday
, and
Frightday
.
34
35
My teeth start getting longer
and longer till they touch my
toes. I’m going batty. When I
give my speech at the assembly,
all the kids are coffin and flyin’
around the auditorium. No one’s
read my books and they’re all
disappointed because they had
asked for a dead author.
I wake up in a sweat and go
and check my teeth. They’re just
regular size. “Phew!”
36
37
CHAPTER 6
footnotes
In the morning on the school
bus, everyone’s talking about the
author visit. Eric says not to sit
in the first three rows unless you
have a raincoat or an umbrella.
He says some authors spit when
they speak. Derek says they love
to talk about themselves.
38
“This is my dog. This is my cat.
This is my coat. This is my hat.”
And they bring pictures of
everything they own. Randy
says they write children’s books
because they don’t know many
words.
39
Penny says they’ve never really
grown up themselves and are just
big kids. Doris says they’re all
rich and ride in limousines and
live in mansions. Freddy heard
they get a royalty, so they’re all
kings and queens and they rule
the nation of imagination.
Penny says that’s silly—that
they’re regular people just like
us and we could be writers if we
worked hard enough. I agree
with Penny about that.
40
41
CHAPTER 7
getting ready
After we’ve read all of Penny
Inkblot’s books, we discuss
them.
I liked
Dinosaurs in Space
the
best. It was about a prehistoric
future. It gave me a lot to think
about. What if prehistoric times
haven’t happened yet? Or what
if we find dinosaurs on other
planets?
42
Derek liked
The Underwear-
wolf
. He said it’s about a kid whose
underwear gets hairy every full
moon.
Freddy chose
You Can’t Chew
Gum with Your Nose
. He said
he tried it and had to go to the
emergency room.
43
Eric liked
Fangenstein
, cause
you get two monsters for the
price of one.
Penny picked
Zitwit.
It’s a story
about a very smart pimple that
goes to college. It does very well,
grows popular, and gets a swelled
head when it’s picked to be class
president.
Next we all write our own
stories and make our own book
covers.
Penny was right—we’re
all
authors.
44
45
CHAPTER 8
greetings
The welcome banner is up, and
tomorrow our author is coming.
Penny and I are picked to greet
her and be her guides. I was
picked because I read the most
books for read-a-thon, and Penny
was picked beca
use her name is
Penny.
46
We get to stay with the author
all day. Even have lunch with her!
I’m really excited. I can hardly
wait to meet Penny Inkblot.
47
CHAPTER 9
bad press
That night I have another
dream. Penny and I are standing
in front of the school when
a shadow covers the yard. A
limousine as long as a train rolls
up and stops. Penny Inkblot steps
out. She’s wearing a crown, a fur
coat, and diamonds on every
finger.
49
We say hello and start to give
our welcome poem, but she
walks right by us and into the
school. In the auditorium when
I try to introduce her, she grabs
the mike and starts to tell us all
about herself.
50
She has pictures of her chair,
her desk, and her mansion.
Then she reads us all her newest
masterpiece—
The Phone Book
.
There are no pictures!
She says she doesn’t sign books,
but she has a rubber stamp and
stamps our foreheads as we leave.
I wake up bumping my head on the
bedpost.
52
Today’s the day I was looking
forward to. But now I’m not so
sure.