Slowly her breathing returned to normal and she could pay more attention to where she was. She was aware of Carter’s weight – he was almost on top of her, one arm thrown across her shoulders, his head resting in the cold, loamy soil next to hers.
She could feel his chest rise and fall against her with each breath; his body heat cut through the chill emanating from the damp earth.
Slowly, she turned her head to the right – careful not to make a sound – until she could see his face. He lay watching her steadily. She could sense a shuddering tension in his stillness – as if he was waiting for something.
She didn’t know how long they lay there, unmoving – just staring at each other and listening for any sign that someone had followed them. At first she counted her breaths but then she lost track. Carter’s proximity distracted her. She was hyper-conscious of his hand resting between her shoulderblades. And of the way he was looking at her.
Finally, his hand moved, sliding down to the small of her back.
Why did he do that?
Her breath hitched in her throat.
We are just hiding together, she reminded herself. Nothing more. He’s being kind.
But his breathing had become more strained; his muscles tensed.
Allie didn’t mean to kiss him. Later, she wouldn’t even remember how it happened. Just suddenly, somehow, his lips were on hers and she was in his arms.
His lips felt so familiar it hurt her heart. She’d forgotten how good it felt to kiss him. The way he tasted. The feel of his body against hers.
His arms wrapped around her shoulders and she felt instantly warmer – instantly safer. She let herself sink into his embrace as his hands flattened against her spine. He drew her closer.
In his arms, Allie tried to forget everything that had happened – even where they were right now and why they were there. She needed this so much right now. She needed to be wanted. She needed to forget it all and just be the most important thing in someone’s life for a few minutes.
But her brain wouldn’t let that happen.
She kept remembering Jules’ wounded expression when she wasn’t invited to join them at dinner. How lost she’d seemed.
Think how much it would hurt her if she knew, a voice in her brain whispered. How would you feel if you were her?
The thought of how much pain they’d cause made her stomach churn.
They’d just begun to rebuild their friendship. This could ruin everything between them all over again. How would they act in the school hallway tomorrow? Would they just pretend nothing ever happened?
Dread chilled her. We can’t do this.
Sensing her hesitation, Carter stopped kissing her. Leaning on one elbow next to her, he studied her sombrely. She could see her own confusion reflected in his dark eyes.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I just…’
‘I know.’ She tried to think of something to say to make it all better but her mind was blank. Things used to be so easy between them. Now every single thing was complicated. ‘It’s not your fault. I’m sorry, too.’
‘I guess I just… missed you,’ Carter said. ‘And sometimes I…’
His voice trailed off.
‘I’ve missed you, too,’ Allie said, her voice very small. ‘I just wish… this was easier.’
For a long second he held her gaze. Then he rolled over on to his back and stared up at the stars, one arm flung across his forehead as if to block some invisible glare. ‘I know.’
Nobody teaches you how to do this. Nobody ever says to you, ‘This is how you can break up and still be friends.’ Or, ‘Here’s how to break up and not want to kiss your ex sometimes.’
It would be, basically, the most helpful advice in the world and it doesn’t exist.
Sitting up, Allie pulled her knees close to her and wrapped her arms around them, staring off into the night.
Then, as if he’d made up his mind about something, Carter sat up and turned to face her. ‘Look. There’s something I have to say to you. And I wanted to say it a long time ago but I bottled it. I think I have to say it now.’ His voice was taut with emotion and Allie looked over at him in surprise. ‘It’s just… I am so sorry for the way I treated you when we were together. I know I blew it.’
Tears burned the backs of Allie’s eyes but she didn’t lower her gaze.
‘At first I was jealous and acted like a dick. Then I was angry and that was even worse.’ He ran his fingers through his tangled dark hair. ‘I know I hurt you and I’m truly sorry.’
Something inside Allie’s chest that had been holding tight for a very long time let go.
Whatever she’d expected to happen tonight, it wasn’t this. With her lips still bruised from the force of their kiss, how could she tell him how much their breakup had hurt her? She didn’t know how to describe the empty feeling of watching him together with Jules in those early days. Or the loneliness when he ignored her.
The problem was he’d just said everything she wanted to hear… four months ago. And now it was too late. She’d gone through the loss, through the pain, through the turmoil: and she’d survived.
She didn’t want to go back.
But she couldn’t say that right now. What she could do was try and fix whatever damage they’d just done to their own friendship, and to Jules. She could put this right.
‘Thank you for saying that. It helps.’ Her voice was surprisingly steady but in her lap she clenched her hands so tightly her nails carved crescent-shaped dents into her palms. ‘But I shouldn’t have kissed you tonight, Carter. It was wrong. You’re with Jules now. She would be so hurt if she knew. She can’t ever find out. I promise you I’ll —’
Abruptly, he climbed to his feet and strode across the clearing where he stood with his back to her.
Allie’s stomach dropped. Wondering if she’d gone too far, she scrambled to her feet. ‘Carter, look… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to —’
‘Don’t do that,’ he said, cutting her off. ‘It’s something you do, you know – apologising for things that aren’t your fault.’ She couldn’t see his eyes in the darkness. ‘You should never apologise for being right.’
Straightening his shoulders, he pointed north. ‘We’d better get back. They’ll be waiting for us.’
Without waiting for her response, he strode off into the darkness.
When they walked through the door of the Night School girls’ dressing room twenty minutes later, the reaction was instant.
‘Where have you been?’ Jumping to her feet, Zoe ran across the room to hug her. The move was so unexpected Allie hesitated briefly before hugging her back.
Zoe never hugged anyone. Like, ever.
And yet the younger girl squeezed her tight. ‘We’ve been waiting ages. We thought you’d been caught. Or… something.’
Over her shoulder, Allie looked around the room, relieved to see Rachel sitting nearby. Everyone had made it back – she and Carter were the last to return.
‘I’m sorry we scared you…’ she said, flustered. ‘We… uh… hid for a long time to make sure… it was, like… safe.’
‘You have a leaf in your hair.’ Zoe observed as she released her.
Flushing, Allie hurried to pull the dried leaf loose from a tangle of dark hair and dropped it on the floor. Across the room Rachel gave her a searching look.
They’d all agreed in advance to meet back here if they became separated – it was one of few rooms in the school never checked by Patel’s guards. Still, it was weird seeing the boys here.
‘So, in the end, it was a success.’ Sylvain’s voice came from the corner and Allie turned to see him sitting on a low bench, his long legs stretched out in front of him. Meeting her gaze, he arched one sardonic eyebrow and she flushed, turning away. It was as if he knew, somehow, what had happened.
She and Carter had barely spoken on the walk back, making their way through the dark woods in near silence. Unfamiliar with this section of the grounds, Allie wasn’t sure where they were but, eve
n though they had to stay off the footpaths, Carter’s unerring sense of direction led them straight to the school building.
‘Depends on how you look at it,’ Carter said now, leaning against the wall, his arms loosely crossed in front of him. Allie was sure he was avoiding her gaze – he seemed to look everywhere except at her. ‘No one got caught but we haven’t learned very much.’
‘I don’t want to say this but… some of the things Eloise said sounded strange to me,’ Nicole said. ‘She didn’t make sense.’
Her words yanked Allie out of her inner turmoil and forced her to focus on what really mattered – catching the spy. Jo. Because Nicole was right. Eloise had been oddly vague and unhelpful – even when her own fate hinged on their ability to help her. She hadn’t sounded innocent.
‘I thought that, too,’ Rachel said, exchanging a despairing glance with the French girl.
A palpable sense of gloom settled over the room. Only Zoe still seemed to have hope.
‘But we haven’t tried yet,’ she said. ‘To find the key, I mean.’
‘Allie, what do you think about this key?’ Nicole looked up at her. ‘Do you believe Eloise?’
Allie rubbed the back of her hand across her forehead – her skin felt gritty. ‘I don’t know if I believe her or not. I know there is a key – I saw it. But as to where she got it or what she did with it… what she said sounded weird. Like she was protecting someone. Besides, if she’s not the spy, and Zelazny’s the one who gave her the key, and he hasn’t told anyone that then…’
‘Then that would mean Zelazny is the spy.’ Sylvain finished the sentence for her.
He’d always been close to Zelazny, and Allie could see how much it hurt him to say that. It must be awful to think that his mentor could have fooled him the entire time. That he might actually be his enemy.
‘I think,’ Rachel said, ‘we need to be very careful right now. Because, at the moment, we have good reasons to be suspicious of pretty much everyone.’
TWENTY-ONE
T
he cold struck her first, then the wind. It must have picked up while she was walking. She didn’t remember it picking up. But suddenly it was howling, crashing the branches together above her head until they roared like the sea, and nearly knocking her down with its sheer force.
Trying to get her bearings, Allie turned in a slow circle.
Where was she? She’d been running for so long she’d lost track of where she was going. Who she was looking for.
‘Allie.’ That was Sylvain’s voice, his distinctive French accent making her name sound like a sigh, a caress.
But she couldn’t see anyone in the dark. There was no moon – the trees were shadows against shadows. The night felt dark and ominous – it had a weight to it that seemed to press down on her, making it hard to breathe.
‘Sylvain? Where are you?’ She craned her neck but saw nothing – nothing but trees.
‘Why did you do it?’
A sob shook her and she covered her mouth with her hand – he sounded so sad. Did he know she’d kissed Carter? How did he find out? They hadn’t told anyone. They could never tell.
‘Do what? I didn’t do anything.’ Her words were insistent but she could hear the lie in her own voice and she knew he must hear it, too.
‘Why weren’t you looking out for Jo?’ Sylvain’s voice sounded condemning. ‘She trusted you. I trusted you.’
Tears were streaming down her face now. She needed to see him. If she could see his face she could convince him that nothing happened. Nothing at all.
‘You can trust me,’ she insisted. ‘Jo can trust me. I won’t let her down.’
His reply was cold.
‘But Jo is already dead.’
It was Allie’s own scream that ended the dream; her own strangled voice.
She must have been crying in her sleep; her pillow was wet from her tears. And she sobbed again now as memories of last night returned to her in a flood.
Why did I kiss Carter? Why did I do that? I’ve ruined everything. Why am I this person?
First she’d failed Jo, then she’d ruined her friendship with Carter again. She couldn’t remember ever hating herself so much; she shook from it.
Without warning, her door sprang open and Rachel stood there, her hair wild from sleep, her face pale with fear that quickly transmuted into concern.
‘Allie? What happened? I heard you scream.’ Seeing Allie’s face, she ran across the room, kneeling beside her bed and pulling her into a rough hug. ‘Are you OK? Was it another one of those dreams?’
Still sobbing, Allie nodded against her shoulder. ‘I’m so sad, Rach. So sad. And I’ve done everything wrong and you can’t undo it. Once you’ve done it you can’t make it go away and I hate that.’
‘Oh, sweetie,’ Rachel’s tone was soothing. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong, I promise. You haven’t. There’s nothing you need to undo.’
But that wasn’t true at all.
‘I didn’t save Jo,’ Allie whispered. ‘And now I kissed Carter.’
For just a second, Rachel’s hand stopped stroking her back then she resumed the calming motion.
‘OK, first, you did everything you could to save Jo. Nobody could’ve saved her. Even God couldn’t save her. What happened to her was not your fault.’
Allie didn’t believe her at all but she wanted to.
‘Now.’ Rachel pulled tissues from a box on a nearby shelf and handed them to her. ‘Why don’t I get you some water and then you can tell me about kissing Carter.’
After she returned with a glass, they sat on the bed together, Allie clutching a handful of damp tissues in one hand and the water in the other, hiccupping as the tears slowed and then stopped. Brokenly, she told her what had happened that night in the forest.
‘And how did he react?’ Rachel asked, pulling a blanket over her knees.
‘Like it was a mistake.’ Allie held up her tissue hand as if to say What else?
‘Do you think it was a mistake? I mean, do you still fancy him?’
‘No… I don’t know.’ Allie sighed. ‘I’m just confused. I mean, when you were with someone and you thought that you… loved him, I guess… how do you just say, “Oh, I don’t love you any more.” Just like that? I miss being with him, and being friends with him, and I wish we didn’t have all this “formerly loving each other” thing hanging over our heads. But I can’t make it go away and when I’m alone with him it all gets muddled up sometimes.’
‘So… I think what you’re saying is you want to be his friend again.’
Allie paused to consider this. ‘I… guess so.’
‘Because I’ve got this theory.’ Rachel smiled and it seemed to warm the room. ‘Do you want to hear my theory?’
Nodding, Allie snuggled closer to her. She was beginning to believe Rachel could actually make this better.
‘I think that when we have a friend we love – like you and I love each other, right? Well, if that friend is the same gender, it’s super simple. You and I are not gay, and we love each other so… boom. We’re best friends.’ Allie agreed cautiously as Rachel continued. ‘But what if I was a bloke and you were my friend and we loved each other? It might get all confused. And if there was a lot going on and things were really emotional and dangerous, maybe your feelings of love for me could be misconstrued as romantic love. Then you might want to be my girlfriend and then it’s all tangled up.’ She leaned back to see Allie’s face more clearly. ‘I think what I’m saying is, it’s easy to confuse friendship love for romance love when your friend is a guy. And that’s why you’re confused.’
Allie shredded a tissue into tiny pieces as she thought this through. If true, it could explain how torn she’d always been between Carter and Sylvain. Maybe she had friendship love for Carter and romantic love for Sylvain. But how could she tell?
‘So you think I have friendship love for Carter?’ she asked, with a hopeful look.
Rachel hesitated. ‘I don’t know,’
she admitted. ‘I can’t know that. Only you can know that. But I know that you can love Carter and not be in love with him. And maybe, especially while he’s with Jules, you need to consider that.’
At the mention of Jules, Allie winced. She didn’t like the prefect, but cheating with her boyfriend was not anything she’d ever intended to do.
‘What should I do now?’ she asked with dull resignation. ‘I have to make this right somehow. I didn’t mean to be a cheater. And I can’t lose Carter again. I just can’t.’
‘Well…’ Rachel yawned and glanced at the clock on Allie’s desk. It was nearly five in the morning. ‘I think you need to talk this through with him and clear the air between you. And tell him that. Tell him you just want to be his friend, at least as long as he has a girlfriend. Then you have some time to figure out which kind of love you feel for him.’
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