by Lane Hayes
“Wild and crazy, like his owner. Who happens to think you’re gay,” I added abruptly.
“Uh, yeah…. That just sort of… happened. She kept giving me sexy looks and telling me I reminded her of a better-looking Warren Beatty or Burt Reynolds. I had to google them in their prime to be sure it was a compliment,” he admitted with a chagrined half laugh. “Either way, it seemed unkind to tell her she isn’t my type.”
“I don’t get why you didn’t tell her you had a girlfriend. Why pretend to be gay?” I asked.
He cocked his head and gave me a curious look. “I didn’t want to lie.”
“But you did lie,” I insisted.
“Did I?”
I stopped abruptly in the middle of the path, much to Charles’s displeasure. The poor pup whined about the pause in his walk but sat obediently at my feet and waited. When Adam didn’t turn around, Charles barked. And he wouldn’t shut up.
Adam wasn’t the only one to turn at the incessant noise. A few passersby threw curious glances our way. When one of them did a double take, I realized the dog might sabotage my effort to fly under the radar. Adam walked back with his three charges and doled out treats and a pacifying word to the disgruntled Charles.
“You’re attracting attention, Rock Star. Keep moving.”
“Are you going to tell me what you’re talking about? Be honest.”
“I’m always honest.” He whipped off his sunglasses before looking at me with an unreadable expression. “I try to be, anyway.”
“Then tell me how last week happened.”
He held my gaze for a moment, then set his glasses back on his nose, like a shield. “I’m bi.”
“Since when? Last week?”
He cocked his head and took a cleansing breath. “Since always.”
The words weren’t sinking in. Which was strange. I knew he was telling the truth. After all, we were two guys and we’d had sex. Amazing sex.
“I didn’t know,” I said lamely.
“Of course you didn’t know. I didn’t tell you.”
He swiped his left hand through his hair in agitation and pulled at the three leashes. I kept my gaze low as I followed him. My mind was whirling. Adam was bi? It made sense. He knew what he was doing that night. He didn’t stop to ask questions or freak out when things went further than either of us planned. At any point he could have blamed the entire episode on alcohol, but he hadn’t.
We walked in silence for a few minutes. I had a million questions, but none of them were particularly politically correct. I wanted to put him under a microscope and discover every nuance of this part of him. I wanted to be impolite and intrusive. No detail was insignificant.
I glanced sideways and studied the stubborn set of his jaw. “I know you won’t like this question, but… do you think you’re having a nervous breakdown? The divorce, a new city. Do you think this is coming from a—”
Adam stopped in his tracks and spun around so fast I almost tripped again. He pulled his glasses off and inched close enough that I could see flecks of gold in his stormy eyes. He pointed at his chest and then his temple before speaking in a low, heated tone.
“This is where it’s coming from.” He looked away again and stared at something in the distance, almost as though he was in pain. “I was going to tell you, but… not this way. I didn’t mean for that night to happen. But it wasn’t the case of a straight guy gone off the rails. It was real. I wanted you and I took advantage of the situation. And for that… I’m sorry.”
My mouth was wide open. “What do you mean you took advantage? Was I a notch on your bedpost? Was this a fuck a rock—”
“What? No! For Christ’s sake! That night happened because I wanted you as much as you wanted me. It had nothing to do with your job or too much Jack. It was just… you.”
“Me?” I repeated incredulously.
Adam rolled his eyes. “A rock star with self-esteem issues. That’s gotta be a first. Come on. I can’t stand still and wait for judgment. You’re making me nervous.”
Autumn leaves dusted the park benches and the wide pathway as we approached the Mall. The trees glittered with golden light against the blue sky. It was more beautiful than I remembered, but the air between us was thick. It floated just above the wagging tails of the four dogs, casting an invisible shadow that made it difficult to breathe.
“I’m not judging you, Adam. If you’re going to apologize, be sorry you avoided me afterward. But don’t tell me you’re sorry it happened. I’m not.” My voice was soft, but firm enough to cut through the tension.
He slowed his pace and turned to face me. “I’m not sorry. It was incredible. But… yeah, I freaked. I was going to tell you sooner, but it’s a weird thing to fit into regular conversation. ‘Hey, I just saw the new exhibit at the Met. Did I mention I’m bi too?’ It doesn’t flow. I was working out the words, but… I ended up showing you instead. Talk about awkward.”
I huffed a short laugh at his self-deprecating tone. “Show and tell, truth or dare… you always go with the action option, don’t you?”
Adam smiled. “I s’pose so.”
“Who else knows?”
“Ned and Ian. And now you. It’s not a big deal. This isn’t life or death. This isn’t cause for a party or a funeral. We have firmly moved into the twenty-first century. Who really cares?” he asked flippantly.
“The people who thought you were straight?” I suggested, keeping my gaze on Charles’s happy gait.
“Yeah. At least some of them,” he sighed. “It doesn’t matter, though. One thing I’ve learned from the divorce is that nothing good happens when you keep everything inside. I’ll tell my folks when I get home.”
“What about Deb?”
“She knows.”
“Whoa! What?”
“I told her before we got married. It was irrelevant in a way. I mean it’s not like I was going to act on it. I just figured she should know.”
“How’d she take it?”
“Pretty well. She seemed more turned on by the idea than repulsed. But like I said, I was never the type of guy she would have worried about hooking up with some random dude on a construction site. That’s just not me. I’m loyal to a fault,” he said with a huff.
“Huh.”
“Her family might not feel the same, but that’s not my concern. I can’t live my life to suit anyone else. Deb and I are okay now. Friendly even. Our marriage was highly volatile from six months after the ceremony until the day we finally called it quits.”
“You mean you fought a lot?”
“All the fucking time. We fought about stupid things as an excuse to get away from each other. Like whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher or using coasters on coffee tables.”
I gave him an “aha” look that made him chuckle before he continued.
“I know little arguments are normal with any couple. My parents have been happily married for thirty-seven years, and they still bicker about inconsequential bullshit. It’s how they communicate. ‘John, I want that lawn mowed’ and a ‘yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it’ might spark the beginning of a ten-minute back-and-forth nag session about nothing important whatsoever… but their bickering never ends with ugly words that can’t be taken back. The first time Deb stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind her, screaming bloody murder and calling me names I wouldn’t call anyone but my worst enemy, I knew we might not make it.”
“Why did you wait if you were so unhappy?”
“I didn’t stop loving her overnight.” Adam shrugged. “Even when I realized we couldn’t go on the way we were, I didn’t want to be the one to end it. It felt like a failure. And to address it head-on was to admit I’d taken the wrong path from the start. It was admitting I was lost.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. My experience with divorce was from the other side. The kid whose quiet parents erupted one day into a volcano of ugliness worthy of reality television at its worst. Loving someone and slowly losing that connection s
ounded extraordinarily painful. It made me want to choose sides the way I had with my parents. Then I remembered that hadn’t worked in my favor.
“You may have been faithful while you were married, but you’ve definitely had experience with men,” I stated matter-of-factly.
Adam chuckled at my no-nonsense expression. “Yeah, a few, and I’m not gonna lie… I’ve loved it every single time. There is no part of me that thinks being bi is wrong, but being open about who I am will be a postdivorce adjustment. I’m sure some people will assume my sexuality is what sunk the ship. Doesn’t matter now,” he said in a small voice that sounded more like a personal chant than a flippant reply.
“But it’s over. You were miserable and she probably was too. Now you aren’t. Everyone wins.”
“No one wins in a divorce. There’s always fallout. Thank God we didn’t have kids, but we had mutual friends. We had a house together. And a dog,” he added wistfully. “She got the house, the dog, and some of our friends. I got out and was grateful for my freedom, but neither of us really won anything.”
“A new start?” I asked, bumping his elbow playfully. I wanted to see him crack a smile. The Adam I knew was happy. I didn’t like his somber tone. And divorce was one of my least favorite topics.
“Yeah. These past couple months in the city have been good for me,” Adam said. “I think accepting my bisexuality may be the key to setting aside the bullshit of the past few years and really moving on. I don’t want to spend another day thinking about the ways I’ve failed. It’s in the past. I’m looking at my postdivorce phase as a second chance. Unfortunately I’m not a smooth operator. I fucked up last week. I’m sorry. You’re more than some conquest in the alley behind Jock’s. We know each other. We’re friends.”
Adam pulled back on the other three leashes when Charles stopped to scratch his ear; then he pointed toward a secluded bench under a canopy of yellow leaves. I sat with a heavy sigh and stretched my legs in front of me, listening to Adam softly praising the dogs as he handed out another round of treats.
He sat back and poked my side playfully. “I guess I should be clear. I’m not sorry it happened. It was awesome.”
I barked a quick laugh. “You had a funny way of showing it.”
He heaved a deep sigh. “I’m out of practice. I don’t know how to act around guys I have a crush on.”
“What?” I squeaked.
“Come on, Ize. It’s pretty fucking obvious.” Adam chuckled lightly and inclined his head. “Desire wasn’t the issue. I should have shown some restraint. I shouldn’t have encouraged sex with a guy who drank whiskey like a kid sucking a Slurpee through two straws, but fuck, you were so hot, eggin’ me on with that story about sniffin’ around in my room when we were in high school and—why are you looking at me like I’m nuts?”
“Because you are nuts. I don’t believe you.”
“It’s true. And… I’m not sure how to say this smoothly, but I want to do it again.”
“I suppose ‘it’ is code for sex?”
“Hell yeah… it was amazing!”
His enthusiastic grin almost cracked me up. I looked away to school my features, then took a deep breath before answering. “It was, but it’s not happening again. Ever.”
“Why not?”
“Adam, be serious. There are too many reasons to count.”
“Give me three.” I didn’t quite understand his intense expression, but I decided to humor him anyway.
“Okay. One, you aren’t ready for me. I’m not normal. My life is chaotic, unpredictable, and every day it seems to amplify. Two, I won’t play games. I’m not equipped for them. I can’t stand thinking I’m the only one blown away by sex when the other guy disappears for—”
“I told you—”
“And three… I have a strict no-repeat policy. It’s nonnegotiable, especially when the other party is someone I’ve known half my life.”
“That’s a bullshit rule and you know it. None of those are good reasons.”
“Those reasons are my sanity preservation. Let’s face it, the fact you avoided me for days afterward is proof we made a mistake. You need time to acclimate to the new ‘out’ version of you. I get it and I respect it. We’re friends. Let’s leave the rest alone.”
“Hey, I might have needed a little space to think, but I didn’t go anywhere. I left you notes so you’d know I was around and thinking about you—”
“Post-its are your idea of communication? ‘The dishes are clean’?”
“Okay, that was lame, but… I didn’t have second thoughts, and I sure as fuck didn’t have any regrets.” He cocked his head as he absently patted one of the dogs. “Did you?”
“Yes! Are you kidding me? Of course I did. You’re Ned’s brother. We’re not supposed to do… that! We shouldn’t have even kissed.”
“But we did… and I want to do it again.”
This time I made sure my utter bewilderment was obvious. “What part of ‘bad idea’ and ‘regret’ didn’t you get?”
“It’s not a bad idea and there’s no reason for regrets. I understand being wary, but the thing is… I want to kiss you again. Actually I want more than that. I want that repeat. But I don’t want to push my luck, so I’ll settle for a kiss.” He waited a beat and then added, “With tongue.”
I let out a nervous chuckle and shook my head as I shifted on the bench to face him, resting my elbow beside his. “We’re in a public park and—”
“No one is near us and no one knows who the hell you are. I’ve been on high alert since we snuck out of your building. I’m taking my duty as temporary bodyguard seriously. You’re safe with me.”
Maybe I was easy or maybe I was hell-bent on making bad choices, but I had a thing for people who unexpectedly knew exactly what to say. No one knows who you are. You’re safe with me. I would have done a hell of a lot more than kiss him just then.
I moved in slightly. Adam met me halfway and plucked my baseball cap off my head. He was so close now, I could feel his breath on my lips. I went on instinct and traced his bottom lip with the tip of my tongue. He shivered slightly before sealing his mouth over mine and sliding his tongue inside. I threaded my fingers through his thick hair and drew him closer to deepen the connection.
He tasted like sunshine and spearmint. I loved the way he smelled and how easily he surrounded me. There was something comforting about being enveloped in his embrace. Adam was familiar and brand-new at the same time. And damn, he knew how to kiss. There was nothing tentative in his touch or in the tender glide and twist of his tongue with mine. He was sure and sensual. Eager but in control.
He nibbled at my bottom lip and then pulled back before lifting my sunglasses to look into my eyes. I wondered what he saw. I was breathless, bewildered, and more than a little dazed. My heart slammed against my chest, making it difficult to see straight or think clearly. Hell, I could barely remember my name.
Adam gazed meaningfully into my eyes. “I told you it was amazing.”
I nodded lamely because fuck… he was right. It was fantastic. But that also made it complicated. I invited myself on this jaunt thinking I’d set things straight between us and, if possible, undo that night. I didn’t want to now. I wanted to keep that memory. It was a good one.
I sat back when Charles sprang to all fours, and patted the dog’s head distractedly, but I couldn’t look away from Adam. My breath caught when I returned his sweet grin. Fuck, he was gorgeous. I’d always thought so. But I was a kid back then, gawking at someone unattainable. Adam hadn’t seemed real to me. He was everything I wasn’t: model handsome, outgoing, and funny. I wasn’t sure anything was really different now. He still seemed larger-than-life and curiously in command in spite of the major changes he’d recently made. It might have been dormant for years, but I still felt the pangs of ancient hero worship.
Charles barked again, effectively breaking my reverie. I set my cap back on my head and chuckled when the dog put a big furry paw on my knee.
“I think this guy is ready to move on,” I commented idly.
“Yeah. Um… wait. Are we good?”
“Of course. Nothing has changed. We’re friends, Adam. And friends like us… old friends with childhood ties, as in ‘I know your mom and you know mine,’ don’t screw around. Or kiss. From this moment on—” I made a production of checking my watch and then gave him a sharp glance. “—beginning at 10:20 a.m., everything goes back to normal.”
“Normal, eh?”
“Yes. No avoiding each other and no more hanky-panky.”
“Hanky-panky? I haven’t heard that one since I fell off my dinosaur.” Adam snorted, then raised his hand in acquiescence. “Fine. I get it. I’ll try to control myself around you, but it won’t be easy. You’re hot and you’re kinda funny. But I’ll do my best to keep my hands to myself and my dick in my pants. That’s what ‘no hanky-panky’ means, right?”
I rolled my eyes. “Right.”
“I’ll white-knuckle my way through the next couple days; then I’ll be out of your way Saturday.”
“What’s Saturday?”
“I’m moving. I told you about the place in Queens. It’s….”
I stood when he did and set my glasses back on my nose. I listened without really hearing him, not out of rudeness or spite, but because I didn’t like where this was going. It was a déjà vu feeling from last week. I hadn’t wanted him to go then, and I still didn’t. And I couldn’t figure out why.
A cool breeze swept through the trees, sending glittering sunlight along the path. I kicked at a pile of golden leaves as I fell into step next to Adam. He said something about playing Frisbee in the park sometime or meeting for coffee… with me and my bodyguard. I huffed in amusement and let him talk away.
I was the picture of cool tranquility on the outside. A regular guy walking a dog. But inside I was spinning like crazy. My phone buzzed in my pocket, reminding me I had unappealing real-world crap to deal with. A stalker fan, a bodyguard, a tour….
“…not really room to—”
“Stay with me,” I blurted, coming to an abrupt stop. “Don’t move to Queens. Don’t waste your money renting a room and commuting. Stay in my guest room until you’re ready to go home.”