by A. L. Zaun
I had lost everything. I figured that if I lost my mind as well, it would just be par for the course. "You're sorry? Sorry doesn't make this better. Sorry doesn't make the guilt I feel go away. It doesn't make the pain I caused him disappear!" I yelled through my tears as I pointed at Liam. "And it doesn't make me feel any better. You'll leave here and go on with your life. And me? You took everything. It took me all this time to finally open up to someone who actually loved me. This isn't kickball. I can't call a do-over because you're fucking sorry." I pounded my fists into his chest.
"Come on, baby, let's go home." Liam's arms came around me as he pulled me off of Rick.
"Daniela, I'm so sorry. I really am trying. I'm sorry," Rick said, running his hands through his hair.
"You know what? You've taken everything from me, but I'll give you this, not that you deserve it. The Rick I knew would never be sorry, and sure as hell, he wouldn't be trying. Maybe there's hope for you yet, Rick," I said, walking away.
This whole confrontation was surreal. When I'd gotten here, I'd wanted to rip off Rick's head and throw it like a football. Now, I just wanted to take Dani in my arms and make all this hurt go away. Fuck. I hated what that asshole did to us.
As we started walking away, reality suddenly dawned on me. I could feel my body tense as my eyes iced over. Dani and I had broken up last night. She'd walked out on us, on me, because she'd needed time to figure things out with that asshole. Just thinking about that was like picking at a raw wound and then dumping alcohol on it.
"Dani, where's your car? I'll drive you home," Macy said sympathetically.
Dani looked like a zombie. She was definitely in no condition to drive. Shit, she shouldn't be alone right now. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I loved her so fucking much, and it was killing me to see her broken. How the hell do I fix this?
She started looking for her keys. For the life of me, I never understood why women had such big purses. Under good circumstances, she could never find anything in there. When she looked like she was about to hurl her purse across the parking lot, Candace came over and took the damned thing out of her hands.
Dani looked over at me, and our eyes locked. I thought I smiled. I didn't really know. I wasn't feeling happy. Fuck. I was crushed. As I looked at her with her big sad eyes, I knew I couldn't stop loving her. While she walked over to me, I swore I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. When she just buried herself in my chest, I swallowed hard, and I wrapped my arms around her. I nuzzled my face in her neck, losing myself in her sweet scent. I straightened up and tucked her hair behind her ears.
"Let me take you home," I whispered.
She nodded and hugged me tighter. I had to pull it together, or I would start crying like a little girl.
I called over to Macy. "Hey, Mace, I'm going to take Dani home. Can you take her car?"
"Sure, if that's cool with Dani," Macy said as Candace handed her the car keys.
Candace came over to wipe the tears away from Dani's face. "Hon, we'll be over soon."
Taking her hand, we walked together to my car. I opened the door for her before I walked around and climbed in. After I pulled out, I reached for her hand and started to draw circles on it. Without a doubt, my love for her was all-consuming. Right now, it felt like it was killing me.
The drive was quiet. I knew her little mind was going a mile a minute. Dani had an incredible imagination. She had the ability to create scenarios in her head that were far more colorful than what was actually happening. On this drive though, I didn't think that she would be too far off target. I'd usually try to coax her out of it. I'd want her to talk. This time, I couldn't. I didn't have it in me. I just kept picturing her, sitting near the fountain, wearing that motherfucker's jacket. I kept replaying last night in my head. I didn't fucking know how to make this right because it hurt so goddamn much. I was jarred from my thoughts.
Suddenly, Dani said, "I don't want to go home."
"Where do you want to go?" I asked, looking over at her. I wanted to run away with her and go where there weren't any reminders of any of this crap.
"I don't care as long as I'm with you, and it's not my house," she whispered.
I knew my girl, and I knew exactly what she wanted. I smiled over at her. "Dani, you're tired. It's been an emotional morning. I need to take you home."
"Then, take me to your home," she said, speaking more intently with a hint of desperation in her voice.
I knew she wanted me to reassure her and tell her that everything was going to be fine between us. I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't about to start now. I knew Rick had said that she was mine and that she loved me. I knew that asshole had trouble winning his ex while I'd handed her over to him with a freaking bow. Why couldn't she just love me more?
"I don't think that's a good idea," I said, looking straight ahead at the road.
"Macy has my keys. I won't be able to open the door," she said, tightening her grip on my hand.
"Fortunately for you, I still have my set of keys," I said with a tinge of sarcasm. I was still hurting from her having left the key to my place on the counter. I had to stop this because I didn't want to be bitter with her.
I turned on the radio to drown out the deafening silence. When I pulled into her driveway, we sat quietly for what felt like an eternity, but it was more like a few seconds. Then, I got out and opened the door for her.
She looked so tiny next to me. Her nose was red, and her eyes were puffy, but all I could see was how beautiful she was. I wanted to see her smile, but it was hidden behind all the recent insanity. I remembered that first time I'd brought her home and carried her inside. I'd wanted to take care of her and protect her.
"Dani, you're going to be okay," I said, overwhelmed with that same desire as I led her to her room. "Come on, you should lie down."
"Lie with me, please. I need you to hold me, please," she implored.
I thought back to that night when had we fought, and I had done just that. I'd wanted to hold her, and love her, and show her exactly who I was and who she was to me. I was brought back to reality as I realized that I didn't know if she'd ever gotten that. With that thought, I hurt just a little more.
"You're going to be okay," I said. Pulling her into a hug, I kissed the top of her head.
"I love you, Liam. I really do. Please lie down with me. Hold me," she said as she tried pulling me toward her bed.
"Baby…" I looked into her eyes as I cupped her face with my hands. I leaned down and softly kissed her.
Her mouth was soft and sweet. I had never loved anyone as deeply as I loved her. As I teased her lower lip with my tongue, her mouth opened for me. When our kiss deepened, I wanted to be with her, make love to her, possess her, and claim her more than anything else in the world. While she pulled me closer to her, she tried again to lead me to her bed.
I said, "I can't."
"I'm so sorry. I know that I hurt you. I fucked up. You have every right to be mad at me. Please, Liam, I need you right now," she begged. Her eyes pooled with tears. "I love you."
I knew she loved me. I just didn't know if she loved me the same way I loved her.
I leaned my forehead against hers. "You know I love you. God, I love you so much." I pulled away and took a step back. "This isn't one of your novels. I'm not some book boyfriend who can overlook everything in the name of love. We can't ride off into the sunset like nothing happened. I'm a real man. This," I said, placing her hand over my heart, "my heart, it beats for you. I was ready to kill today because of you. I love you with everything that I am. My love for you isn't the question here."
"Liam, I never said I didn't love you. I love you. Truly and hopelessly, I love you. I'm not telling you to forget what I said or did. I'm asking you to just hold me for now, and we can work things out later."
"Last night, you needed time to figure things out. What's changed in the last twenty-four hours? The only difference is that you learned Rick is a motherfucking asshole and
not the fantasy you made him out to be."
"Please, Liam." She sobbed.
I hated to see her cry. I had to choke back my own tears. If I gave in how, how would I ever know if she really loves me as much as I love her?
"Today might have changed how you think and feel about him, but it doesn't change the fact that you questioned us. You doubted your feelings for me. You didn't pick me." I had to stop and close my eyes before I lost it and cried my own river of tears.
"No, I didn't doubt my love for you. I just didn't understand how I could love you and be conflicted about him. I didn't pick him. I don't know how to explain it. I love you. I do. Please. I pick us. I want us. I want you. I love you."
"Do you have any idea how badly I want to crawl into bed with you right now? I love you, Dani. I want to make love to you and put this all behind us. I want you. I want us. Don't you understand how much I love you? But I can't. How do I know that I'm not sloppy seconds? What if Rick didn't turn out to be the manipulative, lying motherfucker that he is? Then what? I can't be your default. You need to love me the way I love you. I deserve that. We deserve that. You needed your time, so take it. Figure whatever you need to figure out."
"Don't do this. Please. Don't," she said, burying her head in her hands. She sat on the edge of her bed.
I hated that I felt this way. I wanted to forget the last few hours. I really did, but she didn't pick me. How could I overlook that?
I kneeled in front of her and held her hands as I looked into her eyes. "I love you, baby. With all that I am, I love you. I will always love you. Do whatever you need to do."
"I'm sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. I want to be with you. I love you."
"Take your time. Let me know if you still feel that way after the dust settles," I said.
I stood up and kissed the top of her head. I started walking toward the door, and then I stopped and looked back.
"I love you enough to give you what you need. I hope you come back to me."
I watched as they walked away. What a fucking morning! I'd come here with every good intention of putting an end to my quest. I had no more games, pretenses, or bullshit. I'd given the straight-up truth as best as I could tell it.
I rubbed my cheek, soothing the sting from Daniela's slap. Damn. Her open palm against my face had hurt like hell. I deserved the shit that they had said to me. I accepted the title of asshole. Madison had reminded me of my Asshole Extraordinaire status on a regular basis. It was all her fucking fault for that damn self-fulfilling prophecy shit. I'd lived up to my name. I had all this coming to me. She had been right, of course. She was always fucking right, and I hated that. Why didn't she try to stop me sooner? If anyone could have, it would've been her.
I had watched Daniela storm out of my life after I broke her heart again, but I really didn't care. I'd done what I thought I needed to do. It was part of being an asshole. I did shit, and I moved on. Now, I felt like shit. This time, I had fucked her up worse. I was a motherfucking son of a bitch. Fuck. I had no idea where the Karate Kid bullshit comes in here. What the fuck am I supposed to wax on and wax off? I wished Madison would speak English.
I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, trying to make sense of the mess I'd created. I ran my hands through my hair and cursed. I needed to stop doing this. I loved my hair.
They had to be okay. Liam would work it out with her. He was the most pussy-whipped son of a bitch I'd ever seen. Daniela deserved that. He'd also kill for her, and that was an added bonus that chicks went nuts for. Liam was ready to shred me to pieces, and if Chris hadn't been here, I would've been in a shitload of trouble. Madison had been right to be worried. Once again, she was fucking right.
As I walked to my car, I thought about the only consolation I had was that I'd done the best I could to make things right. I wasn't sure if Madison would be proud of me for how I'd executed things, but I'd done it. I'd done the right thing for the first time in my life. I'd taken responsibility. I even told the truth.
I didn't regret spending these last few months with Daniela. She had become the standard for the type of woman I wanted to settle down with. Shit, my mother adored her. I really did want to become that man she thought I was and have that life with her. I hoped that one day, she would see beyond the lies and manipulations and know that my intentions had been good. I'd been an asshole that had wanted his girl back. I'd loved her the only way I had known how. I had to let her go. She wasn't mine, and I wasn't hers.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my keys. Clicking the keyless entry, I opened the door and sat in my car. I lowered the mirror to check out my cheek. Just as I suspected, it was red. I needed to stop at CVS and get some anti-bruising cream. I pulled out of the parking lot and drove. It wasn't even ten o'clock in the morning, and it had easily been the most intense day of my life. I knew where I was headed. I needed to see her. Fuck, I just need her.
I wanted to say that I'd done the right thing because I'd owed it to Daniela, but that wasn't it. I didn't even do it for myself. I did it for her, my cheerleader and motherfucking pain in the royal ass. She was the only woman who put up with me and didn't take my shit. I'd spent every day with her without fucking her once. Although, well, we had come close, and I should have taken advantage, but I didn't. I did all of this for Madison. I told her last night that I was going to prove to her and Daniela that I wasn't the same man she first met.
I don't know when it happened or what exactly happened. She's the first woman I've ever gotten to know. It was funny how I noticed things when I actually talked to someone, even if it was mostly about me, or just watch them.
After my hamstring catastrophe, I'd told Madison she was going Christmas shopping with me. I had caught Madison eyeing the bracelet. Her eyes sparkled as her head tilted slightly to the side. That look she had in those very brief moments, always got me. She was happy. I wanted to give her that. I wanted to make her happy.
Granted, those moments were so few and far between. Most of the time, I wanted to strangle her. Fuck. I hated her so goddamn much. I didn't know if I'd passed or failed the Madison Stuart School of Castrating Rick. I just needed to see her and figure out what the fuck this was because I sure as hell didn't know.
I pulled into Madison's building. I hadn't bothered calling or texting her. That alone would put me in Madison Jail, but I didn't give a shit, not today. In fact, I could use a little bit of her badass-put-me-in-my-place attitude right about now. It was such a fucking turn-on. Tomorrow, I would do her manners and patience crap…maybe. But, if some son of a bitch got past my pussy-protection plan, I was going to kick some major ass. I wasn't in the mood for that shit.
"Good morning, Walter," I greeted as I did every single morning. "I'm going up. I don't care. Tell her I'm coming if you want or don't. I'm not in the mood for her bullshit."
"Good morning, Mr. Marin." Walter quickly stood up. "I'm sorry, but Ms. Stuart isn't here."
I pulled out my phone.
Rick: I need to see you.
"Did she tell you where she was going?" I asked, placing my phone on the counter.
"She left." Walter's eyes darted from side to side.
Rick: Maddy, where are you? I need to see you.
"She's not answering me. Did she say something?" I asked, putting my phone in my pocket.
"Mr. Marin. She left." He pulled me to the side. "Listen, I could lose my job, but I like you. One of those car services picked her up this morning. She had her suitcases with her."
"What the fuck? I just saw her last night. She didn't tell me shit." My body tensed as I leaned against the counter to keep my composure. I was fuming. "Who was in the car with her?" I asked with a clenched jaw, glaring at Walter. This was typical fucking Maddy drama. God, she drives me fucking insane.
"There was no one else in the car." Walter shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry, Mr. Marin. I can call you when she comes back."
"Did she put you up to this shit? Is she pissed off at me for God only knows
what I did to deserve this fucking shit today of all days?" I rubbed my face, avoiding my hair. Fuck. My cheek was tender. I couldn't catch a fucking break today.
Walter shook his head, shifting his eyes. "She's not here. I promise if she was and was telling me to lie to you, I'd let you know. I swear. But she's not here. I'll call you as soon as she walks through those doors."
I patted Walter on the back. He was a good man. Maddy, on the other hand, was in deep shit.
As I walked out the door, I pulled out my phone. I stood in front of my car and dialed her number. The call went straight to voice mail.
"Maddy, where are you? I need to talk to you. Call me."
I walked back inside.
Walter stood immediately. "I promise you. She hasn't returned in the last two minutes."
"Walter, I'm having a really shitty day. Cut the crap. I know she isn't back." I rubbed my temples with both hands, avoiding my hair at all costs. "I have a job for you. I need you to call every single car service and find out who the hell picked her up and where they took her. Name your price."
"Okay, but you don't have to pay me. I like you and Ms. Stuart. You're good for her."
I patted Walter on the shoulder, and then walked out toward my car. As I pulled out onto the street, I called her again. I was going to follow her fucking rules. With my voice a little softer, I said, "Babe, hon, where are you? I need to see you."
Fuck, why isn't she calling me back?
If anyone knew where she was, it was that cocksucking motherfucker, Bruce. So, I made a U-turn and headed straight for Martini Bar.
I was a man on a mission. I pulled out my phone again and tried calling her. Why the fuck was her phone turned off? She always has it on.
I tossed my phone on the passenger seat as I pulled up to the street Martini Bar was on. Fuck, no valet. I drove around searching for a spot until I finally found one down the block. This better not be one of Madison's fucking cat and mouse games. I ran my credit card in the meter and made sure the volume on my phone was on high. There was no fucking way I was going to miss her fucking call. Moments like these I wondered what the fuck I was doing giving a shit about her. God-damn you Madison.