by A. L. Zaun
When I got to the beach, I took off my shoes and rolled up my pants. The sand was cool during this late afternoon.
I made my way down to the spot where Liam and I'd first watched the sunrise. No one knew I came here. I didn't want to explain it to anyone. Besides sleeping in his T-shirts, it was one of the things I did to feel close to him. I was angry and hurt, but mostly, I was heartbroken. I loved him, and a part of me would never be complete without him. I'd wanted to apologize to him many times, but sorry just hadn't seemed like enough. I hoped that somehow the wind, the waves, and the sand would give me the answer.
I sat down, hugging my knees, as I watched the waves roll in and out. No answers appeared in the tides. I wanted to make peace with everything. I wanted to make sense of it. In some ways, I just wanted to let go of most of it.
Madison, Madison, Madison. I shook my head as I thought about her cockblocking inconvenience. To pity her or to hate her? That was the question. The couple of times I'd driven by the yoga center, her car was never there. I'd wanted to unleash my anger on her for her contribution to all of this. In the end, I'd realized that it was pointless.
I detested what Rick had done, but I was finding a way to let it go since I'd finally said good-bye. I had the closure I'd never had before. I felt foolish at how I'd played into his hand. A week later, I'd surprised myself when I'd woken up without hating him anymore. I'd let go of all the hurt, disappointment, anger, and bitterness. I'd forgiven him, not that he would know it. Some things were better left alone.
The wind blew, whipping my hair everywhere. I took out my Kindle and phone. Each day, I would stare at my phone, tap on my screen, and pull up his contact information. Daily, I would write a text that never got sent. I didn't know what to say. How on earth can I make this right? What would I say to him? Why does it have to be so hard when it was always so easy before? What if he doesn't want to hear from me? What if he has moved on? What if this? What if that? I hated the self-doubt and self-pity. They were both unbecoming traits of a confident woman, so they had no place in my life.
I'd always been the jilted lover, the one that was left behind, so I didn't know how to recover from this mess I'd made of our life. I had no point of reference. I was lost here. I needed help. Candace and Jeremy had been together since college, so she was useless. Although Chris seemed to be a semi-permanent fixture, Macy usually had a revolving door of men, so she didn't understand the mastery of making up. She'd just moved on. My mom was also useless. Whatever had happened with my dad continued to be a mystery to this day.
I stopped playing the loop of that dreadful day and the poor choices that had led up to it. I wasn't going to wallow in self-pity. What am I supposed to do to make this right? I ran my hands through the sand, letting the grains slowly fall through my fingers. My eyes were fixed on the horizon, and my thoughts were lost in the black hole of obsessive ramblings. Then, I was startled out of my trance.
"Hey," he said, sitting down next to me. "What are you doing here?"
Gazing forward, I was afraid to look over at him. "Hi. Someone special once brought me here to watch the sunrise. He told me it was a peaceful place," I answered.
"Oh, so it was a he, was it? He must've made a pretty big impression if you're here on a chilly afternoon."
My heart ached at hearing the sound of his tender, deep voice so close to me. I wanted to touch him and reach my hand over to him.
"You could say he made a monumentally gigantic impression." Dropping my head, I sighed as I stared at my buried toes.
"Why are you here, Dani?" Liam asked with a more direct tone.
He turned to me, but I still couldn't meet his eyes. I was scared of what they might tell me now that the dust was settling for him. Is it too late? Can he forgive me?
"I wanted to feel close to you," I whispered, closing my eyes to hold back the pooling tears.
"You came here to feel close to me?" He looked away. "Why, Dani? I'm right here. For two of the longest fucking weeks of my life, I've been right here, and instead, you come to the beach to feel close to me. What are you hoping for? That somehow or another I'd show up here one day and we'd ride off into the sunset?"
My face was buried in my hands. The pooling tears spilled over, streaming down my face. "I'd really like that—to ride off into the sunset with you," I whimpered. "I never thought that you'd show up, but yes, now that you're here, let's ride off into the sunset. Let's put all of this behind us. Please, Liam. I don't know how to make this right."
He checked his watch. "I have to go. I'm picking up a shift."
When I glanced at him, I saw that he was wearing his gray polo and black cargo pants.
"I needed to clear my head before I went in." He stood up, dusting the sand off of his pants. "Dani…" He paused. "The sun sets in the west. You're looking in the wrong direction." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "Fight for me, Dani. Fight for us. Don't hide on beaches or in books. Goddamn it, give a shit and fight for what matters to you."
He stood up and started walking away toward the sunset.
I got up quickly and ran up to him. "Lieutenant," I called out.
He turned around to face me.
I wrapped my arms around him, burying my head in his chest, as his arms held me tightly.
"I'll fight. I'll do whatever I have to do."
When I pulled back, our eyes finally met. The pain, the hurt, the loss—maybe even the love—and everything else I felt was staring back at me.
His eyes lowered and focused on my necklace. His fingers grazed the pendant. "You're still wearing it."
"I never take it off," I said, my voice hitched. I brought my hand over his. "Is your heart still here? Is it still with mine?"
The rims of his eyes were red. He whispered, "Why did you leave the key?"
He didn't answer my question. My heart beat rapidly in my chest. Is there a right or wrong answer? Was the key his breaking point? Would he have been able to deal with everything else if I didn't leave the key? I looked away. The sky was morphing from orange to purple as the sun was making its descent.
He tilted my chin to face him. "Tell me, Dani."
"I don't know. I didn't really think about it. Maybe it was for the same reason I couldn't bring myself to use it to open the door. I violated your trust, and the key symbolized trust. There's so much I wish I could take back and do over again."
Letting out a deep sigh, he clasped his hands behind his neck as he leaned his head back.
"Can you forgive me? I'll fight, but if you can't forgive me, then I'm just fighting against the wind. I need you to forgive me," I pleaded. "You told my parents," I said, placing my hands on his chest, "that no matter where life took us, we'd find our way. Through hell and high water, we'd make it because I was yours and you were mine. Well, Liam, we're drowning. I'm standing in front of you right now, asking you to forgive me. Please forgive me."
He lowered his head, and his eyes trained on mine. His blue eyes darkened to a beautiful sapphire with a sparkle in the corner. For the first time in weeks, I felt it—hope. As warmth filled me, my lips curled and broke into a smile.
"You fight dirty," he said, cupping my face with his hands, "I can't believe you threw my words in my face and then smiled."
"You have no idea how dirty I can fight."
I pulled back from him. My smile grew as I got an idea. I was on a roll, and I was serious about fighting for him. He wanted to know that I gave a shit. I was going to show him just how much I cared.
"Wait here," I said, biting my lower lip.
"Where are you going?" he asked with his brows furrowed.
I threw my phone in my purse and grabbed my things. When I walked back toward him, I saw that he was on the phone. I had no idea what I was going to say. I had to wing it.
When his eyes met mine, he signaled for me to hold on. I stood anxiously, fidgeting, while I waited for him to finish. I was a little annoyed that he'd be on the phone during such a critical hour in our po
tential relationship-recovery moment. I closed my eyes and took a cleansing breath. This is Liam. I didn't have to be nervous. I had to focus and fight. He slipped his phone into his pocket, and I took that as my cue.
"What's it gonna be? Am I forgiven? You matter to me more than anything or anyone else. You do. Here," I said, handing him my Kindle. My hand twitched at first, and I was slow to release my grip, but I did it. I looked up at him. "I love you. Please forgive me."
He looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. "Baby, you have two more of these at home."
"Yes, but this is my favorite one, and look, the cover has been autographed by all my favorite authors. This one is really valuable to me."
"What happened to Team Kindle?" he asked softly, tucking my hair behind my ear. "I don't want you to stop being who you are. You're adorable with your books."
"I'm Team Liam." I placed my hands on his waist. "Plus, until I was looking for some references on relationship recovery, I never noticed that so many endings were either rushed or ended on a cliffhanger. Can you imagine my frustration?"
The sound of his soft chuckle warmed my soul.
He leaned toward me as his unshaven face grazed my cheek, and whispered, "I'm curious to know what that would look like."
"You would've found me on the beach, sat next to me, and reached over. We would've looked into each other's eyes, and everything that needed to be said would've been communicated."
"With just a look? That's a pretty powerful stare down."
He laughed as I wrapped my arms around him.
"Obviously, that wouldn't work. There's the one where you would see me, and we would fight, make up, and then stare at the sunset. I kind of like that one." I sighed. "And then have mind-blowing make-up sex."
"You know the problem with that scenario is that you're facing the wrong direction." He kissed the top of my head, bringing his arms around me. "Although, I do like the idea of mind-blowing sex."
"You're ruining a perfectly good book ending." I rested my head on his chest, breathing in his scent. "Well, there's the other option. You can have an injury and be unconscious. Sitting at your bedside, I would pledge my undying love to you and beg you for your forgiveness. Then, you'd open your eyes, all would be forgiven, and we'd live happily ever after. The end."
"That sounds really painful." He shook his head. "Any other options?"
"My books offer no solutions." I leaned back and pleaded with my eyes. "Liam, I need you to forgive me. I'll fight. Please. I know you have to go to work. Don't leave us on a cliffhanger. I can barely tolerate those in books. I don't know if I can survive one with you."
The seconds felt like hours. As we held each other, I waited for his response. Are we beyond the impasse? My heart beat nervously. A million thoughts flashed through my mind, but none formed into words that I could say. I knew that saying sorry wouldn't be enough. I had to think fast. He'd been on his way to work, and I was already holding him up. I just couldn't let him leave without at least knowing that his forgiveness was possible.
Our eyes met, and he held my gaze. The playful moment was gone, and we were serious again. I held my breath, and then he spoke.
"I was on the phone with Josh. I asked him to cover for me." He sighed deeply as he slipped my Kindle into the pocket of his cargo pants. "I want to give you your happily ever after." He gently pressed his lips against my forehead. "It's just not that simple."
I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head against his chest, feeling the pounding of his heart. Dusk had set, and the waves crashed against the shore as the breeze whipped around us. I barely noticed any of it.
"Why not? I'm madly in love with you, Liam. Only you. You're not my default or my second choice. You never were. I can rehash things for you. I needed to let all of that go, including the hurt. I know I should've handled things differently, but I didn't. I made a mistake, and as I stand here right now, I'm fighting for you and for us. I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust again."
I stood on my toes. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I reached up and brought my lips over his. "I love you, and I will fight for you," I whispered.
I teased his lower lip, sucking on it, and then ran my tongue across it. His mouth opened, and our kiss deepened. As we claimed one another, my heart nearly burst from being so close to him. With his mouth on mine, his hands reached around, grabbing hold of my hair. He tugged softly, sending shivers down my body. When I leaned into him, I felt his growing erection. Desire and longing coursed through me and pooled between my legs.
With my lips hovering over his mouth, I asked, "Is your heart still mine?"
The sky was darkening. He pulled back, and his hooded eyes focused on my lips. We were both breathless. My body awoke to his touch. I craved more. I needed to be close to him. There was no turning back. We needed to move forward. I couldn't imagine it any other way. The passion between us was combustible.
He tucked my hair behind my ears and held me close. "Baby, I might be defenseless to your fight."
I looked into his eyes as I slowly licked my lower lip. "I'm going to show you how I feel about you." I paused, placing my hand over his rapidly beating heart. "I know you love me. I can see it in your eyes and feel it in your kiss. I'm not asking you to pretend I didn't catastrophically mess up. You have no idea how much I hate myself for hurting you. I'm asking you to forgive me. Tell me what you need me to do. Give me a hint or something."
His lips curled into a soft smile. "Skydiving." He winked. "I'm hungry. Come on, let's get something to eat."
As he started walking toward the car, I stood, paralyzed. What on earth just happened?
I walked away, knowing full well that I'd left her dumbfounded. Dani had wanted to know what she could do, and I'd told her skydiving. I was waiting for her reaction.
When I had first seen her sitting on the beach, I had been ready to give her one of her book endings. She had seemed lost, staring out into the ocean, and all I'd wanted to do was reach over and reassure her that everything would be okay. I'd wanted to tell her that I loved her, that being apart from her was pure torture, but most of all, that life was too short and precious to waste on bitterness and resentment. We needed to deal with the root of the problem, not the manifestation of it, and we needed to do it together, not apart.
I took slow steps, trudging through the soft sand. I smiled as I thought of her as a warrior princess. When she'd handed me her Kindle, I knew that she had been serious about fighting. I loved kissing her, feeling her close to me. I needed her. We had to figure this out and find our way.
When I looked over my shoulder, I saw her standing still, staring in my direction. "Baby, what are you waiting for? Come on," I called out to her.
"No," she said flatly as her hair whipped around in the wind. "I'll do it. If that's what it'll take, I'm crazy enough to jump out of an airplane, but you have to forgive me first."
"It's getting late, Dani. I know you're hungry, and I'm starving. Let's get a burger at Shake Shack."
At first, she looked slightly pathetic, just standing there, but the longer she stood firm in her position, the sexier she got.
"I don't want food," she whimpered, wiping tears from her eyes. "Please give me what I need."
She needed my forgiveness, and I needed her reassurance. As a couple, we needed to trust each other.
One early morning, I'd brought her to this beach to watch the sunrise. I would never forget what she had said. "Let's watch the sun chase the darkness of the night away." I'd started falling in love with her as she lay in my arms.
Now, she stood a few feet away from me on this same beach. We were heartbroken and longing to heal. The sun had set, leaving a darkened sky speckled with tiny lights and a silvered moon.
I was being a proud son of a bitch, making her sweat it out. I knew my girl and her heart. Her words had been sincere. I had to put aside my ego. It was getting in the way of what we both desperately craved. We belonged together, for better or for worse, in all
circumstances, come what may. She was mine, and I was hers.
"Dani," I called out to her, opening my arms, "I love you, baby. It's all forgiven—"
Before I could say anything else, she ran to me and jumped into my arms. I wrapped them around her in a sweet embrace. She clung to me as I slowly spun her around. With her hands laced behind my neck, she brought her mouth over mine, teasing and tempting me.
"I love you," she said breathlessly. She ran her tongue over my lips. "I love you so much."
My mouth opened, and I smiled as she continued her assault.
"From now on, I'm going to show you what you mean to me," she said.
I took in the moment. My arms cradled her as I kissed her. I could feel the warmth of her body pressed up against mine. When she tilted her head to the side, I nipped along her jawline, licking a path to her neck. She moaned seductively as her pulse beat wildly. I needed her.
"If I don't take you home right now, I'm going to make love to you on this beach," I whispered in her ear.
She leaned back into the hold of my arms with an impish grin. "What makes you think I don't want that?" Her hand gingerly grazed my face.
"Once I start, I'm not stopping."
I slowly lowered her down to her feet. She tantalized me as she untucked my shirt and ran her hands against my bare skin.
I groaned. My swollen dick was hard and ready to go. "I'm making love to you all night long in our bed."
When he'd said, "our bed," my heart had skipped a beat.
Our eyes locked as his hands caressed my face. He lowered his mouth over mine and gently kissed me.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to let it go," he whispered. "I really did want to give you your sunset moment, but I was too late."
Every cell in my body tingled down to my core. He could take me right here on the beach. I felt the heat and moisture between my legs. I had no reservations at all, but the thought of our bed created an anticipation in me that I'd never felt before. A smile burst across my face. He truly was amazing, and I loved him.