by Kasie West
I laughed a little. “I thought I did. But I guess not.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “I should’ve told you. I should’ve told everybody.”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you for the last fifteen minutes. Lisa wanted to come too. She was worried about you.” He met my eyes, his soft and questioning. “Should I have let her?”
“No. We need to talk.” I couldn’t put this off anymore.
“Is this about Dax Miller?”
“Dax is . . . was . . . a good friend. I had hoped for more. I care about him. But he’s not into me like that.”
“So I’m second choice?”
“No. Jeff, you know I care about you, but not like that.”
He laughed, which surprised me. “Ouch. So I’m no choice at all.”
His ever-present smile was on, and I couldn’t tell if it was to hide his hurt or if this really wasn’t affecting him at all.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“I want to throw a major tantrum right now because I really want you to like me.”
“But?”
“But that would be ungrateful of me. You’ve given up a lot of time for me over the past several weeks. My mom told me how much you’d been by and how much you helped. So even though I wish you liked me as much as you like Dax, I’m going to be a big person, swallow my pride and hurt, and tell you to go be happy . . . after I kiss you.”
“Tha—wait, what?”
“If you’ll let me, of course. We’ve flirted around our feelings for months now and I just want to see if it would seal the deal for me at all. I’m an exceptional kisser.”
“I . . .” Was he being serious? I couldn’t tell with Jeff. We had flirted for months, and maybe it would help. Liking Jeff would make my life so much easier. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Wouldn’t that just make things weird?”
“What if I promise not to be weird after?”
More rules. And it seemed like none of them had stuck. I knew I didn’t owe this to Jeff, but maybe I owed it to myself. So that I never looked back and wondered what would have happened if I had.
He closed his eyes and I moved forward to meet him, then stopped. This wasn’t what I wanted. I was doing it again, trying to make someone else happy. We were so close that I had to put my finger on his lips to stop the kiss. “I can’t,” I whispered. “I don’t want this.”
He rested his forehead on mine instead. “It was worth a try.”
I backed away.
His eyes went over my shoulder, locking on something behind me. I looked as well but only saw the still-open door and his empty wheelchair.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It . . .” He shook his head. “Nothing. It was nothing.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t know what I wanted until now. And that I’ve been jerking you around for months,” I said, remembering what Dallin had told me before.
“Jerking me around?” he asked. “You weren’t. I think we were both testing our feelings. You just seemed to go the opposite way as me.”
I stared at him in front of me, so tall and strong and steady. “I’m glad you’re better, Jeff.”
“Me too.”
“Still friends?”
“Of course,” he said. “You think our other friends would leave the basketball game early with us to get milk shakes?”
“I think our friends do anything you say.”
“I thought so too, but you kind of proved that theory wrong tonight.” He smiled at me. “Or I can take you home. Would you rather go home?”
I thought about that, analyzed how I felt. A weight seemed to be lifted off my shoulders and chest, and I felt better than I had in a while. “No, I want to go to Iceberg.”
An hour later we were all sitting around a long table eating our shakes and fries at Iceberg. I tapped my cup on the table to get everyone’s attention. “Sorry I didn’t tell you all.”
Lisa put her hand on my arm. “You should’ve. We love you no matter what.” The rest of my friends called out saying various versions of that sentiment.
“Thank you.” It was hard to remember what I’d been so scared of. Being treated differently? Lack of acceptance? I was the one who hadn’t accepted myself for who I was. I was the one who needed to be comfortable in my own skin. I hoped I could do that moving forward.
Lisa cleared her throat from beside me and said under her breath, “Look who just walked in.”
I did look. It was Dax. I was stuck in the middle of the table on the bench side, unable to get out. Not that I was anxious to.
Dax walked by where the nine of us were sitting and up to the register.
“I have a confession to make,” Jeff said quietly from my other side.
“What?”
“He saw us earlier in the greenhouse.”
“What?”
“When we almost kissed. He probably thought we did kiss from that angle. I thought I was protecting you by not saying anything.”
“Protecting me?”
“I’ve heard rumors about him.”
“Jeff.” An anger rose up my chest.
“I know. Don’t be mad. I’m telling you now because I saw the way you looked at him when he walked in here. This is more than just a passing crush.”
Dax had paid for something that he held in a brown paper bag and was now headed for the door. I was stuck, two people on my right, two on my left.
“I have your back,” Jeff said, then he called out, “Dax!”
Dax turned and Jeff motioned him to come over. He did.
Jeff, unable to keep his jokester in check for long, said, as he threw his arm around my shoulder, “Were you looking at my girl?”
I elbowed him in the side and he laughed. I thought Dax would deny it, scoff at Jeff and leave, sensing he was the butt of some joke, but he stood his ground, met Jeff’s stare head on. “Yes. I was.”
That got the attention of everyone at the table, including me. But I wasn’t feeling exceptionally charitable toward Dax considering our last interaction.
“Glad you’re feeling better,” Dax said to Jeff. Then to me, “Glad everything is back to normal.”
I definitely didn’t owe Dax an explanation, not after how he’d treated me. A couple of weeks ago, regardless of what Dax had done, I’d have been tempted to explain everything, make sure he still liked me.
Instead of responding to his statement I said, “You’re still wearing your bracelet.” I had taken mine off after the fight we had in the car.
His eyes went to my bare wrist. “It reminds me of a relationship I don’t want to lose.”
My heart skipped a beat. “But you’ve branded yourself unattached,” I said. “Uncommitted.”
He nodded his head to me, then waved to the rest of the table. “See you all later.”
“Aren’t you going to go after him?” Lisa asked as Dax walked out the door.
I looked at the other faces of my friends, the ones who didn’t know my history with Dax. The ones whose looks only registered confusion. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go after him. I knew my heart was racing. I knew I cared about him. But the thought of letting him in again scared me.
“If you don’t, I might,” Jeff said. “That was hot.”
I laughed. “Let me out.” I needed to at least hear what he had to say. I pushed Lisa, and Avi beside her. They didn’t move fast enough, so I climbed over the top of the table.
“Seriously?” Dallin asked, having to move his shake and fries so they didn’t end up in his lap.
“Shove it,” I said, not caring for one second what he thought right now. Jeff laughed behind me.
It had taken me too long to get outside. The sidewalk was empty. I looked up and down the street out front, hoping there was a bus stop. I didn’t see one. Dax was nowhere in sight. I whirled around and rushed to the end of the building, then peered around the corner. Dax was there, leaning against the brick
wall.
My breath caught in my throat and I stopped short of joining him, lingering just far enough away to be out of reach. “Hi,” I said.
“Hey. Thanks for coming out.”
I nodded and rubbed at the goose bumps that had sprung onto my arms. He shrugged out of his jacket and held it out for me.
“That’s okay. I’m good.” I wasn’t even sure how long I would be out here. I didn’t need to be wrapped in his scent while trying to think clearly.
He didn’t put his jacket back on, just clutched it in his grip. “I went to the game hoping to see you, but it wasn’t good timing. I knew you and your friends normally come here after a game, so I thought I’d come because I needed to talk to you. I feel . . .” He looked up at me instead of at the ground where he’d been staring. “I feel terrible for how I treated you the other day. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I know you meant well. I want to say I acted that way because I was shocked to see my mom or that I was scared of how I was feeling about you, but there is no excuse for how I acted.”
“Thank you.” I wanted him to walk closer, to take the first step because I couldn’t. He’d hurt me and I was the one with the wall up now.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“What?”
“You warned me about what would happen if I kissed you and I didn’t listen.”
I gave a breathy laugh.
He smiled. It was a sad smile, not what I’d grown used to, but it still managed to twist my heart. “No, that’s a lie. I was attached before the kiss. Jeff really is a nice guy and one lucky SOB.”
A laugh burst out of me and I covered my mouth.
Dax pushed himself off the wall and I knew he was leaving now that he’d said his piece. I thought about letting him because the thought of that day in the car still physically hurt.
But I couldn’t. Even though I knew this might end in heartbreak, that he might make my life scary and complicated and unpredictable, I knew I couldn’t let him walk away. Because I knew he’d also make my life happy and comforting and full. “Jeff and I aren’t together.”
He stopped, one foot out in front of him, his hands still wrapped around his jacket. “You’re not?”
“Turns out I don’t follow rules either.”
“How so?”
“I became attached to someone I’d said I wouldn’t too.”
“I sure hope you mean me.”
I nodded. He took the three big steps to reach me and picked me up in a hug. I could feel his heart beating against my chest, fast and hard.
I closed my eyes and buried my face in the space between his shoulder and neck.
A shiver went down my spine, and he pulled away and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders, then pulled me close again, his lips millimeters from mine.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” I asked.
“What?”
“Commitment.”
He smiled. “You make it easy.”
CHAPTER 46
“You sure you want to go to this party? We don’t have to,” Dax said.
It was the next night, and Dax was in my room scrolling through pictures on my computer. He’d met my parents earlier. It went pretty well. It was more embarrassing than anything. My parents loved him. Fawned all over him, really. Mainly because of the whole rescuing-me-at-the-library scenario they had in their heads. And I wasn’t going to correct them, because he really had helped me in the library. I couldn’t imagine how much more panicked I would’ve been without him there.
My mom kept shaking his hand and saying, “It’s so great to meet you. So great.”
My dad said, “You two know each other from school, too?”
“Yes,” I said. “We go to the same school. We didn’t really know each other before the library, though.”
“And now you’re taking my daughter out?” my dad said with a smile. “The library brought you together.” Then he looked up like he was reading something written across the air in front of him. “‘Books, bringing people together.’ That would make a good slogan for the library.”
“I don’t think you’re the first to have thought of that one, Dad,” I said.
He smiled. “I think my daughter is saying that I’m not as much of a genius as I think I am.”
I patted his arm. “No, you’re definitely as much of a genius as you think you are.”
“Was that an insult?” he asked me, narrowing his eyes.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
He laughed.
“We’re going to go to my room now while I finish getting ready.”
“Can I get you anything?” my mom asked Dax. “Water, a snack . . . ?”
I thought she was going to finish that sentence with the words a hug so I took Dax by the hand and led him away. He had been so quiet during the exchange that I was worried he was going to change his mind about wanting to be committed to someone if that commitment came with parents like mine.
“Sorry,” I said.
“No, I’m sorry. I’m not really good with parents. I didn’t know what to say. They were really nice. I’ll get better.”
I laughed and pulled him into a hug. “You’re the cutest. And you did fine. I think you’re already their favorite. You don’t have to do much now.”
“Cutest?”
I kissed him. “Yes, is that not an adjective you like?”
“I can live with it.”
I smiled and pointed to my beanbag chair. “Sit. I need to finish getting ready.”
Instead of sitting, Dax started walking around my room, looking at the pictures on my walls. Some were ones I’d taken, some were by photographers I admired. He stopped at my dresser to look at candid shots of my friends and me. I hadn’t thought in the last twenty-four hours to look through those pictures and take down ones that might bother him. Like the one I’d stared at for months of Jeff and me, his arm slung over my shoulder, me looking at him instead of the camera. I shook it off. It was too late now.
I grabbed my mascara and walked to my full-length mirror.
Dax nodded his head toward the pictures. “Did you take any of these?”
“No. Well, I mean, yes, probably some of them. But those are just ones from my phone or that friends texted me. My real ones are on my computer.”
“Can I see them?”
“You want to see them?”
“Of course.”
I grabbed my computer and powered it on. Then I pulled up my photo library and handed my laptop to him. He sat in the chair and began scrolling through it.
I watched him for a nervous moment, while I still held my open mascara, and that’s when he looked up and asked the question. “Are you sure you want to go to this party? We don’t have to.”
“I actually feel good today. I think I’ll be good.”
“We could go on a hike instead. There’s this gorgeous trail that’s quiet and overlooks the valley. I think you’d like it.”
That did sound amazing. “Yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. Let’s do that tomorrow.”
He nodded hesitantly, then looked back at the computer. “These are really good, Autumn. This one of the frozen web is amazing.”
“You don’t think I’ll be good at the party?”
“No, it’s not that.”
That’s when it hit me. “Oh! You don’t want to go to this party.”
He chuckled. “I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’m not great with . . . well . . . people.”
I smiled, tossed my mascara back on the dresser, and sank to the floor next to him. “You’re great with me.”
He put aside the computer and pulled me up onto the beanbag chair next to him.
I ran my fingers through his hair. “We don’t have to stay long. It’s just the celebration for Jeff getting out of the hospital and, you know, being alive and stuff. I feel like it’s important that I go. And I want you to go with me. Officially meet my friends.”
He wr
apped his arms around my waist and held me close. Maybe I didn’t want to go to the party after all.
“I have something for you,” he said.
“You do?”
He shifted and pulled something out of his pocket. It was a bright pink bracelet.
I lowered my brow. “Where did you get that? I threw mine away.”
“I figured as much. I went by the library.” He took my wrist and tied it there, then held up his own wrist. The bracelet, which he’d always worn on his right hand, was now on his left, crossing the tattoo. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I leaned my forehead on his shoulder, a smile on my face.
It was loud and noisy and crowded, just like the last party Dallin had thrown. I reminded myself there was an empty laundry room available anytime I needed it. That seemed to settle down my fast-beating heart. Not to mention Dax’s hand in mine. I led him through the crowd, introducing him to different people, including Jeff and Dallin, until I found Lisa.
She hip-checked me. “Hey, baby. You made it. And you brought your boy.” She smiled at Dax. “Hi, I’m Lisa.”
“Hi,” Dax said.
“I’ve seen you around. Most recently last night at Iceberg where you were trying to win over my best friend.”
Dax held up our linked hands. “I think I won.”
She nodded. “You won the best heart in the world, so take care of it.”
I looked at Lisa in surprise. She wasn’t normally so sentimental.
She met my stare, then said, “Can I steal you to dance with me, or would you rather stay here where it’s less crowded?”
“I would love to dance with you.” I squeezed Dax’s hand. “You good?”
“I’m fine.”
Lisa dragged me to the middle of the crowd. “I didn’t have a chance to talk to you last night at all.”
“I know. I was kind of busy falling for a boy and stuff.”
She laughed. “I’m glad you came tonight. I was worried after last night you’d feel . . . I don’t know . . .”
“Stupid?”
“No, not stupid, but embarrassed or something. I was worried you wouldn’t want to hang out with us. I’m sorry about the whole kidnapping thing.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s okay. I knew it was all supposed to be innocent and fun but I couldn’t convince my body of that. My brain and body don’t play well together sometimes.”