There it is again. “Princess.” Logan called me that, and now Dalton. Judging from their Adventure Time themed conversation last night, I have a sneaking suspicion this nickname has a hidden meaning. I must find out what it is before I die of curiosity.
“Why do you guys call me ‘Princess’? I’m no princess.”
Dalton sits back on his heels against the lockers next to me with his usual self-assured smirk. “Well, let’s see…you’re rich, your dad is a effin’ rock star, which makes him a king in my book, you’re prudish, you’re pretty, and you have delicate mannerisms sometimes. ‘Princess’ just seemed to suit you.”
With wide eyes, I struggle to absorb everything he just told me. Delicate mannerisms? What version of Mads does he know, and where can I find her?
My self-deprecating thoughts are interrupted when Raven appears out of nowhere with her usual swarm of girls in tow. She strides up to Giovanni Abate, who is still standing at his locker behind us. Cupping his neck with her left hand, Raven looks directly into my eyes as she slowly pulls Gio’s face down to hers. Before I can even register what’s going on, they’re in a lip-lock very similar to the one I found them in on Halloween night.
Everyone in the hallway gasps and stares at Raven’s disgusting display. My stomach heaves, making me turn the other direction to avoid losing my breakfast. This is a battle tactic I wasn’t counting on her starting off with. She saved all her attack power over the past week for this one effective takedown in the hallway. I’m about to come unraveled right now in front of all these people. From the sounds they’re making, I can gather Gio is returning her kiss with equal fervor. Real or not, I’m not ready for this, and not only is it hurting me, it’s insanely disrespectful to Dalton.
The disrespect is not lost on my streetwise friend. I hear him growl and seethe behind me. Then I’m surprised when he grips me by the shoulders and whirls me around to face him. He leans down, looks me dead in the eyes, and probes my soul as he asks me a question.
“You wanna get her back?”
Before I can think, my head nods of its own accord. Of course I want revenge. That sick little witch needs to pay for what she’s done.
Dalton turns to face Raven and Gio head-on and calls out to his ex-friend, who doesn’t hear him right away. “Hey, Gio! Giovanni! Asswipe!”
Gio spins around to face him, out of breath and seemingly clueless. “Bro?”
Dalton takes a cue from me and flips Gio a royal bird. Then he leans down and wastes no time taking my lips in a vise grip within his.
My muffled squeal of surprise doesn’t faze Dalton, who slides his arms around my waist and works on my lips. Kissing him doesn’t give me fireworks or butterflies, but I have to admit, it’s not the most unpleasant thing I’ve ever done. I hook my arms around his neck and play along, returning his kiss with just a hint of fire behind it. Dalton and I don’t have emotional chemistry, but our physical chemistry is hotter than I expected. We’re almost as in sync now as we are in the band.
We’re interrupted when a familiar throat clears beside us. Dalton breaks the kiss and turns to look at Raven.
“Well played, Sis.” Raven addresses me with an ice-cold stare. Our display clearly upset her more than she’s willing to let on. “May the worst woman win.”
Raven spins around to strut down the hall with Gio melded to her arm. I hear Dalton snicker quietly as she leaves. When I look up at him, he’s mashing his lips together to keep from busting out laughing. I punch him in the arm to punish him for ambushing me with that kiss.
“Dalton, what the fuck was that?”
“The ultimate revenge.” He’s still chuckling when he looks down at me. “Your sister still has feelings for me but won’t admit it. I just proved it.”
“Did you have to mouth-rape me to prove that?” I wipe excess saliva off my lips and swipe it on my skirt.
He naughtily cocks an eyebrow. “Oh, come on. You liked it.”
“No I didn’t,” I protest with heated cheeks.
He points at me like an amused thirteen year old. “Ah! You’re blushing again!”
“Stop. I don’t like you anymore.” I slam my locker shut and stalk past him toward homeroom.
Darting through the crowd, Dalton follows me. “Hey! Look, I’m sorry, okay? I promise it won’t happen again.”
He almost runs into me when I stop dead in my tracks and spin around to face him. “You swear?”
He holds up his hands in surrender. “I swear on my life.”
I grit my teeth and sigh. “Fine.”
Chandler and I have lunch together alone while Dalton and Devon sit at a separate table. He said there was something private he needed to talk to his sister about, so I was more than happy to give him that space. Chandler, however, is grumbling under her breath as she dips chips in her chili and munches them loudly. Her eyes keep flitting over to the other two where they’re sitting. I try to reason with her.
“Chan, Dalton just needed to talk to her alone. It’s not like we won’t see her right after this.”
She looks down at her chili, which she’s now stirring vigorously. “That’s not what I’m pissed about.”
“Oh. What’s wrong?”
Glaring at Dalton, Chandler explains. “That dickhead kissed you out of the blue just to make your sister mad. Who does that?”
I shrug. “Whatever. It didn’t kill me. Dalton and I will only ever be friends, anyway.”
She looks at me with hope in her eyes. “Oh. Really?”
“Yeah…” A smirk crawls onto my face. “Why? Were you jealous?”
“What? No! No way,” she protests a little too strongly. “Dalton’s a jerk.”
“But you like him,” I sing-song, grinning in a way that’s sure to make her mad. I’ve seen her sneaking glances at Dalton during Chorus when she thinks no one’s looking. I wondered how she’d feel about him kissing me right in front of her, and now I know.
“No. I don’t like him. Granted, he’s hot, but I don’t want him or anything.” She shakes her head so fast it makes her shorter hairs slap her in the face.
I stir my fruit juice and take a long sip. This is too entertaining. Focusing on someone else’s problems instead of mine is a refreshing change.
“If you say so, Chan.”
“I’m serious! I don’t like him at all. Stop looking at me like that.”
I feel my eyebrow twitch with mischief. “Looking at you like what?”
“Like you know a secret, and you’re dead-set on dragging it out of me.” Chandler leans forward, commanding my gaze with her own determined one. “I don’t like Dalton that way.”
I only respond with a giggle.
“I’m serious!”
“If that’s true, then why are you fighting so hard to convince me?”
Chandler’s eyes flit around the room as she deflates with a huge sigh. “Because if anyone hears you, they’re going to start rumors about me, and I can’t have that.” She swallows, a look of self-doubt crossing her face. “I’m not exactly Dalton’s type. If someone suggests something’s going on with us, he’ll deny it full force, and I’ll be humiliated. I don’t need any more embarrassment because of my size in this school.”
Guilt slams into my chest like a runaway train. I didn’t even think about the negative effects this could have on Chandler’s social life. It’s not fair that a curvy girl can’t have feelings for a hot guy without being ridiculed. Truthfully, I think Chandler and Dalton would be perfect together.
“If he can’t see how amazing you are, he’s a moron.” Reaching across the table, I take Chandler’s manicured hand in mine. She reflects my smile back at me. “I won’t say anything else about this, though. I promise.”
“Thank you, Mads.” Chandler’s lips pull up in a sad smile, confirming my suspicions one hundred percent.
November 14
Thoughts of Revenge
The past week has been long and very annoying. Dalton will not stop teasing me about my reacti
on to his “revenge kiss” in the hallway in front of Gio and Raven. Today at band rehearsal he kept puckering his lips in my direction to make me blush and laughing at me. He didn’t tell everyone why he was laughing, thank goodness, but I’m still irritated that he won’t let this go.
At school, Raven hasn’t given up her hold on Gio…literally. She comes up and kisses him every chance she gets. I’m trying to block it out by simply not looking, but I hear the whispers in the hallway and know that everyone thinks I “lost” to her. As if dating Gio Abate was some kind of contest I wanted to win. I couldn’t care less about going out with him now. What hurts is watching him choose my sister over me.
I keep seeing that painting in my mind. It’s so obvious he was testing that and the bracelet out on me so he could see if they would work on her. From what I’ve seen at school, he’s definitely into her. Yesterday, Raven was even wearing the bracelet he gave her. Whether or not their relationship is real to her, it’s real to him, and I need to accept that. He participated in their whole plan to win the ultimate prize: her affections. He played me like a fiddle, probably pretending I was her while we kissed and did other things.
I feel so dirty and used. That feeling was multiplied with Dalton kissed me. As much as I’d love to see that look of fury on Raven’s face again—and I really, really would—I don’t want a fake relationship. Stooping to Raven’s level isn’t going to solve anything. Still, revenge might be a balm for my injured pride…
I dunno. Logan isn’t showing any signs of being romantic with anyone any time soon. He’s obsessed with his new car to the point of spending all his free time working on it. We didn’t even play WoW at all this week. It hurts so much that I thought he was into me and he isn’t, especially since he keeps calling me “sweets” and “beautiful.” Why does he keep calling me that if he doesn’t like me? It isn’t fair to my heart.
Sigh…guess I should go to sleep. I’m going horseback riding with Jess tomorrow.
Ttyl,
Mads
Being at the stables here in Los Angeles almost makes me feel like I’m home in Kentucky again. Jess and I are riding around an obstacle course on two elegant mares, just cantering for the moment while we chat and catch up. I haven’t been around Jess a whole lot lately because of Raven and because Jess’s health was so bad, but she seems to be improving some. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was over the worst and ready to sign the contract for her next movie already. With the surgery she went through and her chemo, she’s been looking a little worse for wear lately, but it seems like her color is coming back even though her hair is falling out.
“I like your wig,” I compliment her, trying to land on a pleasant subject. She found one that is her exact hair color, but it’s short, kind of like a pixie cut. It frames her face and helps to draw attention away from her swollen cheeks.
Jess beams at the compliment. “Thanks. I have to say it’s not my favorite wig out of all the ones I’ve worn, but it is appreciated. If I didn’t have the option of a wig, I’d be quite mopey right now.”
My lips pull up with sympathy. “How are you doing?”
Sighing, she informs me, “Not well. They continually find places where the cancer has spread. Apparently, it was quite aggressive and there for a while before I sought help. If only we had caught it sooner, I might have a fighting chance, but now…” Jess doesn’t finish, probably because she doesn’t want to hear the words that were about to come out of her mouth.
I may not make it.
The very thought makes my eyes sting with tears. Jess and I may not be extremely close yet, but she’s still my mother and the woman I idolized for years. Thinking about a life without Jacie/Jess Redinger is enough to depress me even more than I already am.
“Anyway,” Jess changes the subject when we get away from other people again, “I was wondering what exactly happened with you and Raven, if you don’t mind explaining.”
I gulp down the lump in my throat. “Uh…it’s a long story…”
Jess gestures to the peaceful surroundings. “We’ve got time.”
“Well…” I sigh, trying to think about how to word this so it won’t sound like my fault. “Raven talked me into faking a twin bond for the cameras. The truth is she and I are completely different people. When everything happened with Gio, I found out that her plans for me went a lot deeper than I thought, and…I just couldn’t believe it. She used me. Completely disregarded my feelings, so we just…” I shrug and imitate a split with my forefingers.
“How did she use you?”
I explain to her how Raven got Gio to pretend to be interested in me when he wasn’t just so she could make the video of us both getting our hearts broken.
Jess blows out air through her nose, agitated. “I was afraid of that. Raven has been known to do this sort of thing before. I just never thought she’d try it with her own sister.”
She pulls her horse around to go back to the stables, and I follow her. After we’ve turned them in and exited, Jess leads me to the parking lot to sit in her car. Her chauffeur, who was resting against the hood, holds the door open for us and then takes his place in the driver seat.
Once we’re settled, Jess picks up where we left off. “Raven saw the ugly side of me when she was young.” Tears build in her eyes. She looks out of the windshield. “I was not a very good mother to her. I’m afraid I taught her some of her scheming ways. Made it sound like the top was the best place to be. We’d talk about what we would do when we were both A-list actresses. I built her ego up so much that it’s no wonder she thinks she can control and destroy whomever she wants…”
Jess stops to wipe a tear away. Sitting in shock, I can’t believe I’m hearing Jess actually confess to this. I suspected this all along, but now she’s taking responsibility for it.
“I look back on my life,” Jess continues, “and I wonder what I’ve done that actually meant something. I did donate money to charity, so I suppose it wasn’t all bad, but my climb to the top never brought me anything but loneliness. Now Raven’s going to experience that life because of me. She even turned her own sister against her—” Her voice breaks. She turns to me. “I’m so sorry, Madison. The Redingers have a history of behaving like this, but you seem to have dodged that genetic trait. Please don’t let us corrupt you.”
“I won’t,” I promise. Thinking back to Dalton’s kiss, I feel a burn of guilt in my chest. Is it bad that I want it to happen again just to get under Raven’s skin? Is that the Redinger coming out in me?
Suddenly, I realize I’m not the only one with an unpleasant sensation in my chest. Jess brings her hand under her left breast and clutches her ribcage as if she’s having a heart attack. My adrenaline springs into action.
“Jess, are you okay?”
Breath overlays her every word. “It’s just the pain…there’s a tumor in my lung. I’ll have to have surgery again to remove it.”
Jess pulls an orange prescription bottle out of her purse and struggles to open it. I take it from her and pop it open. Gritting her teeth, Jess rushes to take her pain medicine, gulping it down with a water bottle she kept in the cup-holder. After she takes the medicine, she reaches for my hand, and I squeeze hers.
“Whatever happens with Raven and me, I’m here,” I assure her. She squeezes my hand in return and gives me a strained smile.
November 15
Losing My Mother
I already lost my mother once. All those years ago when she gave me up, she sentenced me to a motherless life. Finally, I got her back and started to get to know her, and now it looks like she’s going to abandon me again. This time it’s not her fault, but it still feels like an abandonment all the same.
There’s still a small chance Jess could survive, but this cancer is so aggressive…it seems like the worst is about to happen to her. I feel bad for her and for me. A small part of me feels bad for Raven too. The only family member she trusted is about to die, and she’ll have no one because she aliena
ted Dad and me. I don’t understand. Why would she want us to hate her when her world is crashing down around her? Why is she pushing people away instead of trying to pull them close?
If Dad was dying, I’d be keeping everyone so close they’d get tired of me. I can’t even imagine life without Dad. It would be a very scary world. Maybe Raven’s not as scared as me. She does seem more confident in herself and independent. Amazing how two people who came out of the same womb at the same time could be so different.
Anyway, tomorrow begins another long week at school. I can hardly believe my first semester is almost over. I’m getting A’s and B’s in all my classes, which is saying a lot since some of them feel like college courses. Winter break is coming soon. I’m so ready to be free of the hellhole that is Wilcox for a whole month.
Ttyl,
Mads
This Monday feels like a replay of last week, except I’m not surprised to see Raven and Gio slobbering all over each other this time. What a couple of desperate, pathetic losers. If a normal couple had to be this graphic with their PDA, it would mean they were insecure in their relationship and had something to prove. With these two, they’re just going above and beyond to achieve their “revenge” on me…though revenge for what, I have no idea. Being normal? Having a dad who gives a shit about my feelings? Not participating in their little schemes anymore?
Whatever. I’m done. Never giving in to this immature little jab again.
I close my locker door and exit the hallway without fanfare. As if she can sense my presence leaving, Raven trails me, not missing a beat.
“Can’t take the heat, Sis?”
I roll my eyes. Could she be any more obvious with her taunts? It’s getting sad and embarrassing…for her.
“I hear Dalton moved on from you even faster than usual. Guess he heard about your virgin status and wussed out.”
Bristling, I slow my pace just slightly. My virgin status has been announced yet again, not that it matters. Public humiliation is on my daily checklist now. At least that’s one less pill I have to look forward to swallowing today.
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