Sins of Sarah

by Anne Styles

  But watching the film, knowing the Duchess was watching too, knowing the entire audience was watching her on screen made her feel sick again. Clutching Charles's hand so tightly that her nails were biting into his flesh, she crawled with embarrassment. The love scenes dominated the film, whether she liked it or not. They were beautiful to look at and afterwards when she was presented to the Duchess this view was confirmed, but Sarah wanted the floor to open up and swallow her. To add to her misery. Nick hardly came near her - at the cinema or at the party afterwards. Diana seemed to demand his whole attention.

  Briefly he danced with her, seemingly afraid to be seen touching her in front of Diana, and Sarah, already paranoid, freaked. 'Take me home, Charles,' she demanded, after half an hour at the party. She knew she was behaving like a spoilt child, and for once she didn't care, but Charles was furious with her.

  'Don't be silly, Sarah,' he remonstrated. 'The party is for you as much as anyone. You have people to meet, for heaven's sake! Behave yourself!'

  'I want to go, Charles, Now!' She was on the edge of hysteria, and Charles took a careful look at her face and gave in, albeit reluctantly.

  'OK. Get your jacket. I'll get the car. Don't you want to say goodbye?'

  'No, let's just go.' In the blue-green froth of dress she was so beautiful and looked so unhappy that his heart went out to her as he drove her home.

  'Come in with me, Charlie,' she begged as he pulled up at her apartment block. 'Please?' Worried, he parked the car and took her up to the flat. She was frenzied - making coffee, pouring it, talking about the film - completely disjointed as if she was drunk, yet he knew she hadn't had a chance to drink much.

  Puzzled, he took her by the shoulders, shaking her. 'Sarah, stop this! What the hell's the matter?' Sarah fell into his arms, and Charles felt her warmth and her softness against him. It would be so easy. He could take her now and Nick would be beaten. He kissed her slowly, gently, wanting her so badly.

  Yet he pushed her away. It took every scrap of determination he had, but he said no to her. 'I want you, Sarah,' he said softly, 'but on my terms, not yours. I'm not going to be your revenge on Nick for tonight.' She was crying. Long, hard sobs that tore at his very soul.

  'Stay with me, Charlie. Please don't leave me,' she begged him finally.

  'I'll stay until you're asleep,' he promised. 'I'm not sure my will-power will last much longer. Go and get ready for bed.' While she did so, he picked up the tray and took it into the kitchen, and turned off the lights, being practical for once, before he went to Sarah. She had simply dropped her dress on the floor and done the sketchiest clean off of her make-up before she had climbed naked into bed.

  Charles sat on the edge of the bed and unfastened the bracelet from her wrist, aware of how much she was provoking him. He held her hand against his cheek, stroking her hair, and she fell asleep finally, with tears still staining her face. Only then did he leave her, regret-fully, but knowing he was right. Sarah would come to him soon enough, he told himself. He only had to wait.

  * * *

  Sarah had not been the only person in the audience who was unhappy that evening. All the way through the film Diana Grey had fumed silently, seeing the beautiful girl dominate the screen whenever she appeared, hearing the murmurs of the audience around her, watching the glorious golden body writhing around James in their first love scene and feeling Nick tense in the seat beside her. Instinctively, then, she had known this girl was doing the same thing with her husband.

  He had given no sign of it during the inevitable con-gratulatory chat afterwards, or at the party. She had watched jealously every time his eyes slid to Sarah, even resentfully as he had danced briefly with her before returning to her side, and then suddenly Charles and Sarah had gone, within half an hour of arriving.

  Nick had obviously been furious at Sarah's disappearing act, having to explain it to various press people and make placating noises to them. He hated apologizing to anyone.

  Because Bill was driving them, there was no way they could talk in the car, and the atmosphere only crackled into fury as Nick unlocked the front door of the flat. Diana threw her wrap and purse onto the living room sofa and turned on him furiously. 'You're sleeping with Sarah Campbell, aren't you?' she accused bitterly, unable to hold it in any longer.

  'And why, suddenly, does it matter to you if I am?' he demanded angrily. 'Since you've made it quite clear on many occasions that sleeping with me is something you'd rather not do?'

  'As you are rarely in the same country, let alone the same bed as me, it is rather difficult, Nick.' 'So tonight, if I asked you, you'd come willingly to bed with me, just because you think I'm seeing someone else? That's what you normally do, isn't it?'

  'Not just because of that, no! How could you think that, Nick? I'm your wife!'

  'Only when it suits you!' Nick strode across the room and reached for the decanter of malt whisky. 'Take tonight, for example. It's the first time I've seen you in weeks. And it's only because you want to be in the limelight - the director's wife!'

  'So you would rather have paraded that little slut on your arm, would you? She's a mere child. Nick, only ten years older than your own daughter! You're disgusting!'

  'Stop it, Diana! Just stop right there! I've spent the last six months working with Sarah, of course I see her.' He slammed down the glass in his hand so hard that it broke, and whisky splattered unheeded down his trousers. 'What I do in my business life has nothing to do with you; you've made that quite clear too.'

  'Maybe, but this isn't all business, is it? Screw around if you must, husband dear, but never, ever humiliate me like you did tonight, or one of these days you'll go too far! You couldn't keep your eyes off her, and everyone could see what you were doing.'

  'So you'll divorce me for it, I suppose?' he asked sarcastically.

  'Oh, no. Nick, I'll never do that. You can be quite certain on that score! You married me and you're going to stay married to me! And since you asked so charmingly, yes, tonight I will go to bed with you! Maybe I should find out what Miss bloody Campbell sees in you! Because I sure as hell can't remember!'

  'Well, unfortunately, wife dear, there could be a problem with your very generous offer,' Nick said. 'I'm afraid it takes two to tango, and I certainly don't feel the urge to make love to you right now. I think I'd be more inclined to throttle you, frankly.'

  'Sure! Violence is your thing, isn't it? Just like the last time we made love? So what does your whore think of that kind of behaviour, then?'

  'How dare you talk about her like that? Leave Sarah out of this!' Nick had finally been pushed too far, and he reached out to grab Diana by her shoulders in a fury, hurling her to the sofa. 'Don't ever refer to her like that again!' he roared at her. 'Sarah is a sweet, decent girl and I will not listen to that about her! It isn't true, and you know it!'

  Frightened now, Diana began to cry. 'Nick! Please, I'm sorry! I know I've no right to be jealous, but I am! Please, I'd rather you admitted to sleeping with anyone but her! 'I'm admitting to nothing. We've led separate lives for getting on for five years now.'

  'At your request, remember? I don't consider that what I do, or who I see, has anything to do with you any more.' Nick turned on his heel, unmoved by tears that would normally have melted him in a moment, knowing that this time they were a deliberate ploy. 'I'm going to shower and then I'm going to bed! Where you sleep is a matter of complete indifference to me, but I prefer that it's not in my bed!'

  He went to bed, but sleep was impossible. He realized he had been unnecessarily cruel to Diana, and he felt wretched about it once he had calmed down. They rarely quarrelled as they just had, and he hated himself for it, but knowing that Charles had taken Sarah home did nothing for his peace of mind either. He desperately wanted to phone her and check if Charles was still there with her, but eventually he managed to put the temptation out of his mind. Sarah would accuse him of behaving like an idiot, and she would be right, he told himself ruefully. He was behaving lik
e a complete fool and he cursed himself for his stupidity.

  At four in the morning, when it was still dark, he finally gave up on the futile exercise, and let himself out of the flat to run several miles around the deserted park in a final attempt to push his body into exhaustion. He crept back indoors and simply threw himself into his bed to pull the duvet tightly over his head and shut out all the bitter doubts and accusations. Only then did he manage to sleep.

  CHAPTER 16

  Being plunged into the unremitting round of a family Christmas, after months of pleasing himself, was. Nick decided a few weeks later, the nearest thing to hell that earth could provide.

  Diana, on the other hand, seemed to thrive on the chaos of having three demanding parents, two dogs and Charlotte constantly underfoot. She was determined to be efficient and incredibly well-organized, but with no domestic help over the holidays she was heavily occupied most of the time. Nick was expected to entertain his despised in-laws and his own mother, much to his chagrin, since Diana had invited them all without his knowledge.

  Intending to get most of a new script written and typed, he retreated more and more frequently to the office he had created in the old staff flat above the garage, and often Charlotte crept out to join him. Consequently the two of them played endless games on the computer instead of Nick working, and he got more and more behind on the script.

  'If Granny Grey tells one more story about when you were a naughty boy to your Ayah, I think I'll scream!' Charlotte complained bitterly on Christmas Eve, erupting into the office to find Nick sighing with frustration after yet another battle with his computer. 'Oh, Daddy! Come on! Let me do that!'

  'I wish Jane was here. I hate using this damn thing!' Nick thumped the desk in annoyance, and glared at the machine on it. 'It never does what I want it to do! The picture's gone really small, and I can't get it back.'

  'That's only because you've hit the wrong key some- how,' Charlotte said sensibly. 'With computers, there's always a reason for them going wrong.' Infuriatingly, within seconds she had sorted out the problem and Nick was back on course again. 'If you hate it so much, why don't you ask Madeleine Miller to help you out?' Charlotte added. 'Uncle Paul says she's bored stiff at home with nothing to do, and she is a secretary, remember?'

  'Uncle Paul?' Nick looked surprised. 'Since when has Paul got so friendly with you?'

  'Oh, he's always here,' Charlotte said innocently. 'He and Mummy are working on a book or something. Madeleine will be at the party tonight, why don't you ask her?'

  'I might just do that! What a good idea of yours, moppet.' He reached to hug his daughter and Charlotte slid easily onto his knee to hug him back as she always did. It was a comfortable relationship and he relaxed in it for a few moments - until Diana appeared in the doorway, an irritated expression on her face as she viewed the evidence of a warmth that had been denied to her certainly since the row after the premiere, and, if she was really honest, that she had not wanted for years. Now, faced with their obvious camaraderie, she saw red.

  'Charlotte! For heaven's sake!' she commented acidly. 'Aren't you a little old for sitting on Daddy's knee? Get off.'

  'Don't be ridiculous, Diana,' Nick chided. 'What harm is she doing? Apart from straining my back with her weight?'

  'It's hardly decent at her age! What would my mother think? Or yours?' Diana pointed out.

  'To hell with them! Sanctimonious old biddies! Did you want me for something?' Nick deliberately hugged Charlotte to reassure her as Diana glared.

  'Yes, I did. Would you come and make up a four? The parents want to play bridge, and I have to finish the stuff for tonight. I simply haven't the time.'

  Nick groaned. 'Only as long as I don't have to partner your mother! She's really hopeless. Let Alistair keep her in line, he's used to it.' Nick had learnt to play bridge at his own mother's knee, and was an expert player, as she was, when he put his mind to it.

  'Promise! Thanks, Nick.' Diana reached over and, surprisingly, dropped a kiss on his cheek. 'I'll make it up to you.'

  'You'd better!' he threatened.

  'That's more like it!' Charlotte commented. 'It's about time you two did something rather than yell. You've been bitching at each other for weeks now! Even the grannies are beginning to gossip about it!' Nick and Diana looked at each other guiltily over Charlotte's head, and finally Nick smiled. 'I suppose she's right,' he acquiesced, and held out a hand. 'Pax?'

  'I guess so.' Diana looked relieved.

  'Happy now, Lotts?' Nick ruffled his daughter's curls.

  Charlotte pressed her own noisy kiss on his cheek. 'Don't call me Lotts!' she protested. 'It's so babyish!'

  'Oh, yes? So what's this, then?' He tipped her off his knee.

  'That's different, that's a hug, and I like that anyway.'

  'And this?' With a sudden change of direction he scooped Charlotte high up in the air and ran down the stairs with her, amid shrieks of delight from her, ignoring dire warnings from Diana, who followed at a more sedate pace behind them, relieved that the atmosphere had lightened at last.

  He managed to keep up his good humour, even after a taut session of bridge, and it lasted all through dinner, but it was with a great sense of release that he set off to deliver Charlotte to a party in nearby Woodstock later that evening, knowing he could ring Sarah from the car in privacy.

  She was so pleased to hear him, and his stress melted as he talked to her - for so long that he started to feel chilled in the stationary car. After he rang off, he started the engine, but sat staring out into the already frosted countryside, mulling over the conflicting emotions inside him.

  He suddenly realized he had been sitting there for nearly an hour, dreaming in the darkness, and he slammed the car into gear frantically, in a panic to get back, remembering they had guests coming.

  'Sorry, darling,' he lied as he rushed in. 'I stopped to help someone.' He realized just how many lies he was telling these days.

  Later, circulating amongst the friends and neighbours Diana had invited, he was aware he was operating on autopilot - until he drew the delectable Madeleine aside. Really, he thought, she was far too young and sparky for dull old Paul Miller.

  'Why, I'd love to work for you. Nick!' she cried. 'I'm desperate for something to do. Do you want me to come up to London?'

  'Possibly,' he said cautiously, thinking how Madeleine would brighten up the office. 'But for the moment it's just this one script - if you can sort out the mess I've made. I'm afraid I'm not exactly gifted with computers!'

  'Give me your notes and I'll transfer your stuff onto a disk so that I can take it with me, if you like, then I can do it on my own PC,' she offered.

  Relieved to find someone who understood his problems, he sat talking to her for ages, until Diana's mother pointedly suggested he was neglecting his guests. 'Diana can't cope alone all night,' she chided. Nick sighed, but he was anxious to keep the peace, and went back to his duties as host.

  * * *

  Despite her misgivings, Sarah found she was enjoying her holidays. It was always comfortable staying with George and Maggie, and she adored little Becky, the grandchild her mother had not lived to see. Nick phoned her as often as he could, usually from his mobile when he was walking the dog, so she had very little chance to miss him.

  Sarah loved her sister-in-law, but she sometimes found her snobbishness a little hard to take. However, over the holiday she played her part happily enough, knowing what Maggie expected of her. This year she was more of a celebrity than usual to the Campbell friends and neighbours, but was aware that it was the men who were admiring her now, and not just the children.

  The relaxing part of it was driving over with Becky to visit Cress and James on Boxing Day at Cress's parent's home just outside Winchester. Cress came from the same kind of middle class home that Sarah did - a large, friendly crowd who had accepted James into their midst without question and took equally to Sarah when she appeared with Becky.

  Flying down the steps of t
he house to meet her. Cress waved her hand to Sarah in excitement. 'Look, Sarah,' she cried. 'Just look!' Delighted, but with a twinge of envy, Sarah took in the aquamarine and diamond ring Cress wore on her engagement finger. 'He asked me on Christmas Eve, on one knee and everything. Oh, I'm so happy, Sarah!' Sarah put aside her feelings of jealousy, and hugged her friend.

  'I'm really pleased for you. I'm glad he got his act together at last!'

  'It was the novelty of being looked after that did it,' Cress laughed. 'Come on in.' She stayed far later than she had intended, and when James carried a flaked-out Becky to her car, it was eight o'clock. Watching him gently tucking a blanket round her made her smile wistfully. James smiled back at her.

  'Kids are great when they're asleep,' he quipped. 'I think I'll only love mine that way!'

  'Thinking about them already?' she enquired, eyebrows raised.

  'Cress is ... about four so far!'

  'That'll certainly ruin your image!'

  'Well, as long as it doesn't ruin my figure,' he laughed. 'I think I'm going to love it!' She drove carefully, aware of the sleeping child on the back seat, her head full of her friends' happy plans, and suddenly she began to feel very lonely. It was ridiculous, she told herself firmly. She was going to be a star, with the world opening up at her feet, so why on earth was she crying, and envying two people who wanted to stay at home and have babies?

  CHAPTER 17

  The only time everyone female agreed on a TV programme over Christmas in the Grey household it was on the Barbara Bentley drama the day after Boxing Day - apart from Diana, who wanted to opt out when she discovered Sarah was in it.