by Serena Grey
“Because there wasn’t, not at first.” I sighed. “We hooked up the night we all went to Wild Things, and I never expected anything to come of it. I didn’t think there was any need to tell you.”
“I get that, but what about when you guys kept seeing each other? You could have told me then. I didn’t want Jason to come between us, but I would have been happy to know you two were getting serious.”
“That’s the thing—we weren’t. I wasn’t going to tell you I’d been having casual sex with your brother and lying to you about it, especially when it didn’t mean anything to either of us, at least not until…” I trailed off.
“Until what?”
“Until he made me believe it meant something.” I laughed bitterly. “But that was just Jason Wild making sure I was a notch well and truly added to his belt.”
Her face fell. “I don’t know what to say. I wish I hadn’t said anything at all. I wish I could have kept my mouth shut.”
“It’s not your fault,” I reassured her. “You didn’t mean for anything like this to happen.”
“But it’s my fault you’re mad at Jason, and he’s miserable, Daphne.”
My face hardened. “Don’t talk about him,” I said stonily. “I choose not to care that you told your brother something about me that you shouldn’t have, but I never, ever want to see him or talk about him again.”
She blinked. “Daphne…”
I shook my head. “Don’t even try.” I waited until she nodded, and then I continued. “I talked to Colin earlier. Are you going to stop avoiding him now?”
She opened her mouth. “I don’t—”
“I don’t want you to punish yourself and him because of me.”
Pain scarred her features. “It’s just…it’s so hard to be happy when the people I care about are miserable.”
My breath hitched at the suggestion of Jason’s misery. I didn’t care about him, I reminded myself. I didn’t care how he felt or what his excuses were. “Don’t punish Colin,” I urged calmly. “How does making one more person miserable help any of us?”
“You’re right.” She sighed. “I’ll…I’ll talk to him.”
“That would be great. I think you broke his heart a little just now.”
She was quiet for a moment then reached out and put her arms around me. I hugged her back, my eyes getting misty.
“Thanks for the talk,” she said.
“Any time.” I smiled. “Now, call Colin.”
“Right away, ma’am,” she said with a small laugh.
It felt good to hear her laugh again. I felt good for her, and the feeling lightened some of my misery. As I went to my room, leaving her talking on the phone with Colin, I felt a faint twinge of hope that maybe I could find reasons to be happy, even without Jason.
Chapter Three
Later, when Amy had gone out to see Colin and I was alone in the apartment preparing for bed, my phone rang. At first, my heart surged with the hope that it might be Jason, but then I remembered his number was still blocked.
Zane’s name was flashing on my screen, and with it came memories of the last conversation we’d had on the phone…Jason’s face, his jealousy. Even now, my body turned to liquid when I remembered how he’d fucked me, marked me as his even while I’d been on the phone with Zane.
All that just so he could prove something to himself.
How could I have been so mistaken about him?
I took a deep, calming breath and answered the call.
“What’s up, sexy?”
“I’m great,” I replied, forcing a smile into my voice. “How are you?”
“Thinking a lot about you since the last time we spoke.” He paused. “So, what do you think about dinner, tomorrow night? So we can get to know each other again.”
I had little interest in dinner, and I felt guilty because he seemed like a great guy who was attracted to me and had no idea I was stuck on a guy who’d lied to me and used me. I considered refusing, but I needed any reason, any hope of getting away from my thoughts about Jason, even if only for a little while.
“Dinner sounds good,” I said.
“Okay.” He sounded excited. “I’ll make the reservations and let you know tomorrow. How’s that?”
“Perfect,” I replied, trying to match his excitement. “Looking forward to seeing you.”
He laughed. “Yeah. Me too.”
Dinner with Zane was a disaster, at least for me. He seemed very into me. He remembered details from the night we’d spent together ages ago and assumed an intimacy between us that just wasn’t there.
He was cute, but I couldn’t even remember the chemistry that had led me to sleep with him all those years ago. All that mattered was that he wasn’t Jason.
“You’re very quiet,” he said in the car as he drove me to my apartment after the meal. “Quiet and intense.”
I smiled and didn’t reply.
“It’s sexy,” he said. “You don’t need to fill every silence with conversation.”
Or maybe I have nothing to say and I just want to go to bed.
I didn’t say that. It would have been cruel, and I had experienced enough of cruelty not to want to dole it out to others. He gave me a heated look, and my stomach curled a bit. I was disgusted with myself for leading him on, and now I wished I’d never agreed to go out to dinner with him.
He parked on the street in front of my apartment and turned to look at me, smiling.
“So, are you going to ask me to come up?”
Just then, outside the window, I saw Amy walk up along the sidewalk and stop at the entrance to the building. I watched as she pushed the door open and went inside then I turned and gave Zane an apologetic smile.
“Not tonight.”
I didn’t want to look at the disappointment on his face, so I opened the door and stepped outside. He followed suit, facing me over the roof the car.
“I’m surprised,” he said. “I kinda had the idea that you were into me.”
I shrugged. “I… Look, dinner was great, but I’m not in a good place right now.”
He chuckled. “You really are a piece of work. Is this what you do to guys who like you—push them around like eager toys?”
I frowned. “You’re taking this way too seriously,” I said. “We had dinner, and now I’m going inside. Good night.”
He rounded the car and met me when I was halfway to the door. He grabbed my hand. “What’s your problem?”
I pulled my hand away from his. “No, what is your problem?” I started to walk away, and he grabbed my hand again.
“You were into me once. If you found me so unattractive after that night, why didn’t you tell me? Why let me waste my time, my calls, dinner?”
“Now you’re being rude,” I said. “I’m sorry I wasted your time. Now, leave me alone.”
“You’re a tease,” he hissed. “A fucking tease.”
“Let go of me,” I said again.
“Admit that you’re a tease.”
“Why don’t you let go of her?”
There was no mistaking Jason’s deep voice, edged with a steely undertone that sent a tingle up my spine. I froze, and so did Zane.
He was standing just a few steps away, his face set, his stance conveying the same note of warning as his voice. Zane’s hand slacked around mine and, seizing the opportunity, I pulled myself from his grip.
Zane had to angle his head upward because Jason towered over him. “Who the hell are you, her bodyguard?”
I felt Jason’s eyes on me, but I refused to look at him.
“I’m the guy who is going to beat you to a pulp if you don’t get the hell out of here.”
“Whatever,” Zane muttered. “Fuck it, anyway.” He gave me a look of annoyance and disappointment. “I hope I never see you again,” he said then hurried over to his car, lacking all the confidence with which he’d grabbed me earlier. I watched him drive away with a loud screech of his tires, and only then did I look at Jason.
He was watching me, silent, waiting for me to say something. I dragged in a shaky breath, unnerved by how much I wanted to feast my eyes on him, to rediscover every plane and angle of his features, every hard line of his body. I was weak with longing. How had I survived without the sight of his face, without the sound of his voice for the past week and all my life before I met him?
It was hard not to walk into his arms and let him hold me. His eyes raked my face and every look felt like a heated touch on my skin. My body weakened, and I closed my eyes, reaching inside to drum up all the reasons why I was mad at him so I wouldn’t forget.
“What are you doing here?” I spat out the words.
He let out a bitter chuckle. “Hell if I know,” he said.
“No, I’m serious,” I said. “I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you anywhere close to me.”
“My parents are in town, Daphne,” he said tiredly. My breath hitched at the sound of my name on his lips, and I clenched my fists.
“We all had dinner together,” he continued. “I gave Amy a ride back here. Does that satisfy you?”
I didn’t answer.
“I saw your lovers’ quarrel, which did not seem to be going well for you.”
“It was none of your business.”
“You’re right,” he agreed, his jaw tight. “I should stay away from your apartment, even though my sister lives there. I’m not allowed to call you or even try to explain myself to you, and when I see some loser assaulting you on the street, I’m just supposed to walk away.”
“You’re not supposed to be here in the first place,” I said. “And he might be a loser, but you’re no better than he is.”
I saw him flinch, and I got no satisfaction from tongue-lashing him. It felt almost as if I was hurting myself instead of him.
“I want you to leave,” I said stubbornly.
“God! Daphne!” He ran a hand through his hair, frustration showing in all his movements. “I screwed up. I made a joke to my sister long before we met. I talked about nailing a girl I didn’t even know. Are you really going to hold on to that forever?”
I folded my arms and refused to respond.
“This is just you pushing me away,” he said bitterly. “Just like you did before. Just when I think I’ve gotten through to you, you found something to hold on to, a perfect excuse to put your walls back up.”
“Don’t you dare,” I cried. “Don’t fucking dare put this on me.” I was on the verge of breaking into sobs. “I don’t know what you want, but I would put up a thousand walls to keep out a liar like you.”
“I wasn’t lying about my feelings.”
I shook my head. “Just go away, Jason.”
“For how long?” There was a note of desperation in his voice. “How long are you going to do this?”
He said it like he was waiting for me to change my mind, as if it was a misunderstanding we could overcome and then he would be mine again, the way he’d been for one short night. I closed my eyes, wanting him but knowing I could never forgive him.
“For how long, Daphne?”
I didn’t reply. Instead, I turned on my heel and walked away from him, blinking furiously to keep my tears from falling.
The next morning, I caught Amy on her way out of the apartment.
“You’re not dressed for work,” she observed, looking surprised that I was still dressed in my sleep shorts and a loose t-shirt. She peered at me and noticed my red eyes.
I’d cried myself to sleep. Seeing Jason had unearthed all the emotions I had managed to suppress, and I’d been a wreck all night.
Her voice took on an edge of concern. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ve been advised to take a vacation at work, so I am taking a vacation.”
“Well, you need it.” She smiled. “You work so hard.”
“Mhmm. I found a rental on the beach for a few days, so it’s going to be sea, sand, books…”
“Don’t forget wine,” she suggested.
“I won't.” I paused. “I saw Jason last night.”
Her blue eyes widened. “Here?”
I nodded. “I got back around the time he dropped you off, and I sorta bumped into him.”
She was quiet. “Did you guys talk?”
“A little,” I said.
“And?”
“And nothing.” I closed my eyes. “Amy, I can’t run the risk of seeing him all the time. I just can’t. I know he’s your brother, and while I’m living here, no matter what you do, I won’t be able to avoid him forever.
She stared at me. “I don’t understand.”
I breathed. “I’m going to start looking for a new place.”
Her eyes teared up. “This is all my fault,” she said. “I shouldn’t have let him bring me home.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s not your fault. He’s your brother, and…you two are always going to be close. It’s better for everyone if I leave, then we can all put this episode behind us.”
“No. You’re not an episode, and I don’t want you to leave.”
“We’ll talk about it when I get back,” I said, even though I had already made up my mind.
“You’re leaving today?”
“Yes.”
She placed her bag on the floor and pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m choosing to believe this will all work out,” she said then smiled confidently before picking up her bag and leaving.
I didn’t share her confidence. I couldn’t see any other option, but there was no point in telling her that right then. I packed my clothes and the books I planned to read. Maybe with a few days of sea, sand, and quiet, I would discover how to stop thinking about Jason Wild.
For how long?
I loved the solitude and the silence, the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore and the seagulls screaming in the morning. I walked barefoot in the sand until my feet were baby smooth and I was exhausted enough to escape my thoughts in dreamless sleep. In the evenings, I lay on a porch swing bed in the back of the house and watched the sun set over the horizon, and sometimes, I allowed myself to wonder what Jason was doing.
For how long?
I could see his face in my mind, clear as if he was still standing in front of me, and in his voice, I heard regret and agony that mirrored my own. Was I mistaken in refusing to listen to him? Much as I wanted to believe I was, I couldn’t let myself fall into the trap of hoping there was some sort of happy ending for him and me. He’d lied to me, made a fool out of me, and that was that.
So, I searched for apartments, trying not to think of Amy. I felt like a monster, but there was no way I could keep living in a place where I would risk bumping into Jason, not when the sight of him filled me with desperate need and excruciating pain, equally ferocious and equally destructive to my peace of mind. He could never be just another guy, and I would never be able to move on as long as he was near.
I finally did as Candace advised and called my old therapist, Anna.
“The last time we spoke, you were really confident that just staying away from men and relationships was doing enough wonders for your mental state that you didn’t need therapy anymore.”
“Well…” I laughed weakly. “That’s what I thought.”
“And?”
I told her everything, as much as I could over the phone, and when I was done, she was silent for a long time.
“It’s understandable that you feel so betrayed. You had to give a lot to get yourself to trust him in the first place.”
“Exactly, which is why I need to move on, to find a new place and close the whole chapter.”
“Hmm…you mean isolate yourself again, throw away everyone who was involved in this episode of your life that made you unhappy. That might work.”
“It might, but I’m sensing that you don’t approve.”
“I believe the whole point of your whole experiment in celibacy was that you wanted to learn to appreciate real relationships with the people around you.
It’s not just him, you know—it’s also Amy, her family, her boyfriend…that’s a lot of progress to toss out the window.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” I said. “I want things to go back to the way they used to be when I wasn’t so miserable.”
“When you were alone. Alone is not the same as happy.”
“But it’s better than heartbroken.”
“Let me ask you something,” Anna said after a short pause. “How did you feel with him, before you found out he lied to you?”
A rush of longing flooded through me along with the memories of being in Jason’s arms. In my head, I heard him tell me he would always be there for me, and I yearned for the home I’d thought I had found in him.
“It doesn’t matter,” I told Anna. “It was all based on a lie.”
“All of it?” She didn’t sound convinced. “What if, let’s say, the lie was irrelevant? Would you choose how you felt with him over how things used to be?”
“The lie wasn’t irrelevant,” I insisted.
“Just humor me, Daphne.”
I closed my eyes, unwilling to face the seeds of hope and desire in my chest. “How much are you charging me for this phone conversation?”
She laughed. “Standard rates.”
“So cure me,” I pleaded, laughing weakly. “Tell me how to stop thinking about him.”
“I can’t tell you how,” Anna said patiently, “but I would advise you to listen to him.”
Why?
I was silent. I wanted to listen to Jason. I missed his intensity, his heat. I craved his touch, his voice, his blatant desire for me and how he so easily reduced me to a quivering mass of pleasure. I wanted desperately to believe whatever he told me just so I could be with him again, and that desire scared me. It scared me that I was willing to be a fool if it meant I would be with him.
“I can’t,” I replied.
“Listen to him,” she urged again, “and I’m telling you this as a friend, which means I’m not billing you.”