Chase nodded, his tight hold loosening on the wheel. “All right,” he said.
I frowned. “Don’t you want to give some input on that?”
“Look,” he said, running a hand through his hair, “when I said I would be involved, I didn’t mean I’d try to tell you what to do with your body.”
“Yeah, but everybody has an opinion on this subject, even you. Especially you. You’re one of the most socially conscious people I’ve ever met. If I decide I don’t want to have this baby, are you going to hate me forever and think I’m a terrible person?”
“I’m not going to let you make this decision based on what you think I’m going to think of you. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, and if going through with this pregnancy isn’t what you want, then it isn’t what you want. The thought of being a dad terrifies me, so I can’t pretend this solution doesn’t make things easier for me. On the flip side if you decide to go through with it, just know I’m going to be here for you guys. I might be scared as shit now, but I’ll get over myself. If we have to learn to be parents, we’ll do it together. Okay?”
I nodded, staring down at my hands. I hadn’t noticed until then that they were tightly clenched in my lap and shaking. “Okay. Thank you, Chase.”
Silently, he cranked the car and backed out of the parking space. “No need to thank me for doing the right thing.”
“I can’t believe you’re being so calm,” I said, studying his profile and waiting for the inevitable freak-out. “You’re being surprisingly cool about this.”
“I don’t know about calm, but I see no reason to freak out. We didn’t use protection, and to add gasoline to that little fire, we had sex several times in one night.”
He was right about that. After our little romp in the rainforest, we’d gotten dressed and walked back to Chase’s cabin, where I spent the night learning that that little tree hugger knows how to use his tongue. The back of my neck went hot just thinking about it.
“Yes, I was there,” I reminded him.
“Does anyone else know?” he asked as he merged onto the highway. “Jenn or Kinsley?”
Usually, they’d be the first people I would have told, but they both have their own things going on these days. Jenn is all goo-goo in love with Luke to the exclusion of pretty much everything else, and Kinsley is still in mourning over Aaron and spending way too much time in the bathroom.
“No,” I answered. “I didn’t want to tell anyone until I knew what I was going to do.”
“That’s probably best. I won’t tell anyone either, not until you’re ready.”
“I appreciate that.”
Silence stretched on between us as the UT campus came into view. The radio had been turned down to a dull murmur, and I could barely make out the words of whatever song was playing. As Chase pulled into the parking lot at the back of the row of apartments, he turned to me with a grin.
“So, I guess now you have to date me … being my baby mama and all.”
I snorted. “What a great basis for a relationship.”
“Well, you know, after I make a baby with a woman that’s when I tend to really get serious.”
Avoiding his gaze, I reached for my purse. “Listen, Chase—”
“It’s not me, it’s you. I’m not ready for a serious relationship right now. I don’t think it’s a good idea if we get involved. Let’s just focus on the baby for now. Does that about cover all the angles of the rejection I know is coming?”
I glowered at him. “It’s not a rejection,” I muttered. “It’s reality. All of those things are true. We barely know each other, and things have already started off complicated enough.”
“Seems to me the rest should be pretty easy,” he argued. “If you decide to have this baby, you and I are connected for life.”
“One could argue that we’re only connected for the next eighteen years.”
Chase shook his head. “The kid’s going to get married someday, right? We’re going to be in-laws to the same person, grandparents to the same kids—”
“Let’s just get through this part before we start talking about grandchildren.” Just thinking about becoming a grandmother makes me cringe, as I tend to associate grandmothers with women who’ve had too much plastic surgery, wear too much make-up and jewelry, and stagger around muttering about how sexy that ‘fine, dark chocolate’ Blair Underwood is. No? Just my grandmother then?
Chase nodded. “Fair enough. You’re throwing up all the signs here, and it’s pretty clear.”
It wasn’t that simple, but there was no way I could tell Chase that I’d never wanted anyone in my life the way I wanted him … or how much that terrified me. I couldn’t tell him how much it freaked me out, the possibility of losing yourself in someone else so much that you start to lose yourself. I did that once, and ended up with a guy’s handprint on the side of my face while I sobbed and tried to rationalize his behavior and convince myself that it wouldn’t happen again. Until it did … again, and again, and again.
Instead of telling him any of that, I simply opened my car door and stepped one foot out onto the pavement. “I guess it is,” I said simply before leaving the car altogether.
The house was fairly quiet when we returned. Christian, Luke, and Jenn had gone to a party one of the fraternities was throwing, which left Kinsley alone. She was in the bathroom … again. Frowning, I tried the knob and found it locked. Since her breakup with Aaron she’d been spending a lot of time in there, and no one ever knew what she was doing. She always emerged with red, watery eyes and a flushed face. Anytime one of us would ask her what was wrong, she would say ‘nothing’, and change the subject. Something weird was going on with her, and I hated not knowing what.
Now that Jenn was gone, we were the only girls in the house. Even though we shared a room, I’d never been as close to Kinsley as Jenn. They were friends before I moved in, and while we became close quickly, I sometimes felt like the third wheel with them. It didn’t bother me or anything; I’ve never been the type to have close girlfriends. Jenn and Kinsley were the first girls I ever let get close, and I was just happy to be able to call them my friends.
Still, I was worried about her and wanted to try to help her if I could. Knocking gently, I pressed my ear to the door. “Kins, you in there?”
A few moments of silence, and then she answered. “Yeah.”
Her voice sounded strained and hoarse, as if she’d been crying. Pressing a palm against the door, I closed my eyes and tried to think of what Jenn would say. She’s the most sensitive of the three of us. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Do you need anything?”
It was really the best I could do when I was barely okay myself, when I had no idea what I was going to do about my own situation.
“No,” she answered sharply. “I’m fine. I’ll be out in a second.”
Sighing, I nodded and backed away. “Okay.”
I retreated to our room, relieved to have a door, a hallway, and another door between me and Chase—at least until morning. He was being cool about things now, but it wouldn’t be long before he started pressuring me for an answer about what I planned to do. How was I going to look him in the eye and tell him that I didn’t want this baby? Aside from the fact that I had no desire to become a mother at the age of twenty-two, there was also the fact that I had no notion of how to take care of one. All I knew about babies was that they cried, pooped, and chewed things. I didn’t know what to do when one got sick, or how to put one to sleep, or even how to make a bottle of formula.
It wasn’t a question of being financially able. One phone call, and my dad would have set me up in an apartment with a nursery and enough money in the bank to hire a nanny and pay the rent for as long as I needed. As I sat on the edge of the bed and removed one of my pumps, I knew that wasn’t the kind of life this baby deserved. It was what I’d had growing up—a nanny, inattentive parents, and no love or fun.
Was it really that simple? It seemed I’d already decided that hav
ing this baby would be a huge mistake. If that was the case, why did I still feel so uncertain?
Finding a place for the shoes in my overflowing closet, I set about getting ready for bed. By the time Kinsley came out of the bathroom, I was in my tank top and boy shorts, settling under the covers with a bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and a smutty novel.
Kinsley came bouncing into the room, her hair slicked back into a high ponytail, her eyes set off by smoky eye shadow.
“Hey, how was your date?” she asked, her voice surprisingly chipper as she crossed to her closet.
“It wasn’t a date,” I said, mouth full of pretzel. “It was a meeting … call it business if you want.”
Kinsley laughed, pulling a black halter top from the closet. “What’s that you’re always telling me about letting go?”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Yeah, in this case the words ‘get some’ aren’t exactly the best advice. I already got some, remember?” Boy did I ever. “So did you, if I recall.”
Kinsley shrugged, removing her T-shirt and replacing it with the halter. “Me and Derek was a one-time thing, just like you and Chase. Besides, my one-time thing didn’t follow me home, so it’s easier to put behind me. Yours is living across the hall. Why not indulge a little?”
Crunching another pretzel, I shook my head. “These chocolate pretzels are about all the indulgence I’m interested in for now.”
Kinsley reached for a pair of black, strappy, high-heeled sandals and pulled them on. “Well, you enjoy those. I’m going to go catch up with Luke, Jenn, and Christian. It’s only eleven, the party’s just getting started.”
My eyebrows shot up as she finished her outfit off with a pair of silver hoop earrings and a few dabs of perfume behind her ears. “You look hot.”
She smiled and turned in a little circle. “You think so?”
I nodded. “Definitely. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Laughing, Kinsley reached for her purse. “That leaves me a wide array of options,” she called out over her shoulder before disappearing.
Leaning back against the pillows, I opened my novel and tried to read. After re-reading the same paragraph four times, I gave up and let my thoughts roam. Instead of wandering to Chase or the baby as I’d thought it would, my brain switched to Kinsley. Something was going on with that girl, and as much as I wanted to blame it on the breakup, I just wasn’t sure. Losing Aaron was a huge blow for Kinsley, but she’d never been the type to party the night before the first day of class. Even if she would go to a party on a school night, she’d never leave the apartment so late. She’d arrive promptly, have one or two drinks, and call it a night by ten.
Shaking my head, I decided that I was overreacting. Kinsley was probably just entering that phase of singlehood that consists of enjoying one’s freedom and playing the field. While we were on vacation this summer she’d gotten cozy with Derek, a friend of Chase’s from Texas A&M. Maybe it had showed her that there were other fish in the sea. Either way, I had my own problems. Besides, if Kinsley was going through something, she’d go to Jenn before she’d come to me, and her best friend would help her work through her problems.
Deciding to mind my business, I set the pretzels aside and tried to get back into my novel, hoping that reading about someone else’s erotic escapades could distract me from the sexpot across the hall.
I shot out of bed and dashed into the hall, just barely making it to the bathroom before emptying my stomach. I clutched the toilet as my belly heaved forcefully, causing my eyes to water and my throat to burn. By the time I was finished, I felt as if I’d been wrung dry.
Suddenly, something cool and damp touched the back of my neck and I sighed with relief, groaning as someone’s hand pushed the hair back from my face. I grimaced when I turned to find Chase kneeling beside me. He was pressing a wet washcloth to my neck and watching me sympathetically.
“Morning,” he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “I heard you running to the bathroom and wanted to check on you.”
Geez. How am I supposed to avoid him if he’s here all the time, looking all hot first thing in the morning, saying and doing all these nice things?
“I’m okay,” I insisted, standing slowly on shaking legs. “Just a little morning sickness, I guess.”
Chase helped me get my balance before standing back, watching me with his arms crossed over his chest. “Can I get you anything?”
“You can move so I can brush my teeth,” I replied, staggering toward the sink.
His eyes widened. “God, you’re right. I’m so sorry. I’ll leave you alone now.”
I nodded, reaching for my toothbrush as Chase backed out of the bathroom and closed the door. After brushing and rinsing several times, and running a comb through my hair, I left the bathroom. Trudging down the stairs, I followed the smell of food. Amazingly, now that the taste of vomit was gone, I was starving.
“Make up your mind, kid,” I muttered to the thing living inside me. “Sick or hungry? ’Cause I can’t do both.”
In the kitchen, Christian and Luke were sipping cups of coffee at the small table that only sat four people. Jenn was slicing tomatoes and Chase was scrambling eggs in a huge, glass bowl. Pausing in the entrance to the kitchen, I surveyed the scene with interest.
“We cook now?”
Jenn smirked. “No, we cook. The last time we let you near the stove you almost burned the apartment down.”
“Is it my fault that macaroni and cheese box had the worst directions ever? I don’t trust Kraft. Never did, never will.”
“Well, Jenn mentioned heading to the cafeteria, but Chase offered to make omelets instead,” Luke said, standing and heading to the coffee pot for another cup. “We might as well enjoy the groceries now, because we all know by the time midterms hit, none of us will have time to shop anymore.”
“So I should expect organic everything, no meat, and probably some kind of healthy herbal crap in my eggs?” I griped, taking Luke’s vacated seat.
Chase made a face at me, his biceps bunching and rolling at he beat the frothy eggs. He wore a black T-shirt with a picture of Earth on it. In white letters beneath it, the slogan said ‘Stop destroying our planet, it’s where I keep my stuff’.
“Just because I don’t eat meat, doesn’t meant I won’t cook it for people who do, princess,” he retorted. “Ham or bacon?”
The smell of bacon frying made my stomach quiver. “Bacon. Lots of bacon. And load me up with onions and mushrooms, too. Don’t skimp on the cheese.”
“Bacon, onion, and ’shrooms. Extra cheese. Got it.”
“Hey!” Luke exclaimed as Chase turned back toward the stove. “I was here before Chloe, why does she get the first omelet?”
“Because she’s cuter than you,” Chase answered.
“Damn, I need to start using Oil of Olay,” he grumbled, leaning against the counter beside Jenn and snagging a piece of tomato from beneath her knife.
“Stop that before you lose a finger. You’re going to need all of those intact for Saturday night.”
Luke snuck another tomato. “The best songs come out of life’s little punchlines. I could write a song about it and call it ‘Bitches be Crazy, Cuttin’ off Fingers and Shit’.”
Jenn scowled at him. “Real catchy, Luke.”
He gave her one of his charming grins. “I thought so.”
Chase sat the finished omelet in front of me, and I immediately dug in, my stomach calming happily as I ate. Jenn turned on a second burner, helping Chase to get the eggs out faster. By the time the last omelet was made, I’d annihilated mine. Feeling much better, I left the kitchen, passing Kinsley on my way up the stairs. Wearing her Longhorns cheer top, a pair of sweat shorts, and sneakers, she carried her backpack on her back, and a gym bag in one hand.
“Hey, Kins, omelets in the kitchen.”
She produced an apple from her bag and flashed it at me. “I got breakfast already. I don’t have time, anyway. My first class starts in ten
, then I’ve got a full day and cheer practice after. See you later!”
With a swish of her black ponytail, and a crunch of her apple she was gone. Seeing her so cheerful this morning only told me I’d been worried about her for nothing.
Once I made it to my room, I realized it was only nine a.m., three hours earlier than I usually get out of bed. I purposely schedule evening classes to stick to my strict schedule of sleeping in. I had the option of going back to sleep for a few hours, but was too wired and on edge to sleep. I took my time making the bed and getting dressed, spending longer than usual flat-ironing my hair and doing my makeup … which killed about an hour. By then, Chase had left for work, and Jenn, Luke, and Christian had gone to class. Alone in my room with nothing to do until my Magazine Production and Writing class at three, I was finally forced to act on the decision I’d made last night. Finding the phone number quickly through Google, I typed it into my phone before I could lose my nerve. When the friendly voice on the other end answered, I felt my heart drop down into the pit of my stomach.
“I need to make an appointment,” I said, my voice shaking as violently as my hands. I gripped the phone tightly and forced myself to say the rest of the words. “I need to talk to someone about having an abortion.”
Chapter 4
I stared out the window of Chase’s car as the city of Austin sped by me. Wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans for at least the fifth time, I forced myself to breathe. The clinic was able to fit me in for a consultation two days after my phone call. When I’d told Chase about the appointment, I insisted he didn’t need to come, which only made him assert that he needed to be there.
“I promised to be there for you and I meant that,” he’d protested. “I’m taking you to the appointment.”
Even though I’d tried to argue him down about it, in the end I was glad Chase was there. I wasn’t sure how I would have driven myself when I couldn’t get my hands to stop shaking.
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