"I'm not going to tell you where she lives, if that's what you're asking," Marlee said.
I was quick to respond. "No, that's not what I'm asking. I had the idea that I could visit you at the office and happen to run into Kayla, or maybe outside. Somewhere public. I just want to be able to talk with her."
The line was quiet and I estimated that I had a 50/50 chance of this working out.
Finally she spoke, her words coming out accompanied by a long sigh. "Okay. Tonight at seven. Show up at Harman's. It's on Third, around the corner from our offices. I think I can talk her into going there."
Chapter Eight - Release
Kayla
I still wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone about what had happened with Axel. I managed to get started writing the interview, but I had erected a brick wall in my mind, keeping all the emotional stuff behind it as best I could. At times, I could feel the wall threatening to crumble.
At the same time, I was kicking myself, of course. How in the world had I thought that seeing him and flirting with him would somehow free me from him? It had made sense to me at the time, but it now seemed like the dumbest idea in the world. I'd thought I'd built him up to god-like status in my mind, but it turned out that real, live, grown-up Axel was pretty damn spectacular. And even more unforgettable than the Axel I'd been thinking about since I was a girl.
Meeting with him, talking to him — kissing him — had of course had the exact opposite result. Now, he was just about all I could think about.
At the office, Marlee checked in with me a few times but I kept putting her off, not ready to talk about him. On Thursday, I finally agreed to go out for drinks with her. She was getting more and more insistent, and I decided that maybe talking about Axel would help get him out of my head. Kind of like how singing an earworm aloud is supposed to get the song out of your head. That had never actually worked for me, but it was worth a try.
Marlee and I headed out together after work and we were soon sipping margaritas and digging into a greasy platter of appetizers. I told her how the interview had transpired, and what had happened at Axel's home site. I was starting to describe the uncomfortable ride back to the restaurant when I saw Marlee's attention shift to somewhere behind me. I turned, and there he was, suddenly at my side.
I'd like to say anger was my first reaction, but it wasn’t. I was glad to see him, and I was flattered that he wanted to see me. My stomach was doing cartwheels.
But then I got it together and reminded myself that I'd told him to leave me alone. If I was ever going to get over him, he was going to have to actually follow through.
"Why are you here?" I said, flashing him a look of anger before half turning away from him.
He stepped back into my line of vision. "Because I need to talk to you."
"If it's about your interview, you can send an email. Otherwise, we don't have anything to talk about."
"Kayla, why are you shutting me out? I'm not my father."
I glanced up at Axel's face, and his pain and sincerity were obvious. I knew it would hurt me more, but I couldn't continue to be a bitch to him. Self-preservation be damned; it just didn't feel right. I didn't speak, but I looked at him fully and he took that as an invitation to continue.
He glanced at Marlee and she looked at me. I nodded to let her know I'd be okay, and she quickly excused herself, leaving me alone with Axel.
"I don't make commitments and break them, Kayla. I haven't been married and divorced. I don't have a girlfriend. I don't do relationships."
I'm sure my face expressed disbelief. "Who are all those women you're out with? Paid escorts?"
"They're dates. Yes, I date, and I like women. But I don't make promises and I don't let things get serious." Axel actually said this like he was proud of the fact, like it was a point of honor.
"You've never been in a serious relationship?" I couldn't keep a mocking tone out of my voice, though I was quickly realizing that he was telling me the truth.
Axel shook his head slowly.
I leaned back in my chair, my angry posture softening. "That's sad," I said.
"What are you talking about?" Axel scoffed. He leaned in closer as if to make sure he heard me correctly.
"It sounds like your dad's behavior has messed you up even more than it did my mom." I saw the confusion in his eyes and I continued. "That's no way to go through life, never getting close to anyone, never making a commitment."
The energy that Axel had brought into the bar with him seemed to leave him. He settled on the edge of Marlee's vacant chair, more to support himself than to join me. He looked lost.
If he wasn't hurting me, I seemed to be hurting him, and I wished more than ever that I'd not signed up to interview Axel. We weren't good for each other. At all.
"Okay," I said, softening my tone, "you're not like your dad. I see that now, and I believe you. But why was it so important for you to tell me that?"
"I don't know, Kayla. I guess I care what you think about me. Is that so hard to believe?"
That actually was hard to believe, and I didn't know what to say. In the past few minutes, I'd seen sides of Axel that I'd never known existed. None of it matched up with the image I'd retained of the cocky, sullen hotshot who had never seemed to even know I was alive. Now I'd just learned that he didn't get close to women, and he cared what I thought about him.
I took a few sips of my drink, thinking. Axel looked completely deflated.
I reached my hand out to his. "I've always thought you were terrific, Axel."
His laugh was filled with derision. "Is that why you told me you never wanted to see me again?"
I couldn't look at him then, for fear he'd see the thoughts and memories flooding my mind. I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to see him again because I couldn't handle it. My heart couldn't handle it.
The silence between us carried on for several eternal moments. My hand was still resting on his. Eventually, I noticed it there and it felt awkward so I started to draw it back. As soon as I moved, Axel grabbed my hand and held it tightly in his. He leaned in closer to me, and I was compelled to do the same.
"I felt something between us, Kayla, and I think you felt it too."
I couldn't breathe. I just focused on his hand holding mine. It felt like the room was spinning around me, moving like a cyclone and drawing out all of the air.
"Look at me," Axel said in a quiet, commanding voice.
I managed to meet his brown eyes, which were burning into mine.
"I can't stop thinking about our kiss, about your body pressed against mine. I want you, Kayla, and when we kissed, it felt like you wanted me too."
It was too much. Way too much. My internal wall crumbled and everything I was feeling came tumbling out.
"Of course I wanted you." I pulled my hand free of his and felt bitter tears well up in my eyes. I raised my voice and laid myself bare, while I could still talk without crying. "I've wanted you since I first met you. I've wanted you all these years."
Axel stiffened with surprise. I felt like a fool, but I didn't care. It felt good to get it out. All these years of longing, all these wasted years. Maybe this, finally, was the release I needed in order to move on. My confession and my redemption. Maybe I was free.
I glanced up at him; his eyes were wide and then began to search mine. I reached around for my bag, quickly found a few bills, and tossed them on the table as I stood to leave.
Axel was up just as quickly. "Where are you going?"
"I can't be with you, Axel. I can't have a fling with you. My heart can't handle it."
Chapter Nine - Reflection
Axel
I couldn't believe I was watching her walk away from me again. And yet again, I felt powerless to stop her.
She was hurting, badly, and it killed me to let her go, but I knew that I was the cause of her pain and that I would only make things worse by going after her.
Her use of the word "fling" kept coming back to me. It was
n't a word I used, but it was probably accurate. I had flings, but not much more. And I couldn't imagine having a fling with Kayla. It was clear that I hadn't thought this through. What had I imagined happening when I came down here tonight? I'd tell her I wanted her, we'd sleep together, and then I'd say goodbye, and we'd be… friends?
I hadn't taken Kayla's feelings into account, and how could I, when I hadn't known how she felt. Now that I knew— I shook my head, as if clearing out fog, and was surprised to see activity going on around me in the bar. I'd been totally lost in my thoughts.
Marlee came back to the table then and saw that I was alone. "I guess that didn't go too well, huh?"
"Could you please make sure she's okay?" I asked.
She nodded, and I made her promise to check on Kayla that night.
* * *
It didn't feel right leaving town, but I was expected at team meetings in a week, and before that, I needed to visit my mom in Brussels. I hadn't seen her at Christmas, and I'd promised to visit her before the season got started.
During the long flight, I spent a lot of time thinking back to the year that Kayla and I had lived in the same house as teens. I'd never had any idea that she had a thing for me back then. She'd seemed so much younger than me, though it was only a few years, and she'd seemed very shy. She was into school and her friends. I'd always liked her; I thought she was sweet, and I'd hoped our parents would stay together, though I knew from my dad's history that it was unlikely.
I'd always cared about her, though I probably didn't show it at the time, and now I was causing her pain, with no idea how to make things better.
Brussels was cloudy and gray, but it suited my mood much better than the sunny city I'd left. It had been nearly fifteen years since I'd lived in Belgium, and it no longer felt like home, even though it was where I'd been born.
After my parents divorced, I'd lived with my mom, but my difficult teen period started early. When my dad moved to the U.S., I generally made myself unbearable and begged to go live with him. My mom and I had a few rough years back then, but we were close now.
Since I was scheduled to arrive in the early morning, I'd insisted my mom and her husband, Lucas, not meet me at the airport. Instead, I took a taxi to their townhouse where they gave me a warm welcome. My mom had married Lucas when I was seven, and a few years later they'd had my younger brother, Victor, who was getting ready to go to university later this year. After greetings and long hugs, they took me into the kitchen where breakfast was waiting.
Conversation was light during our meal, but I noticed the concerned looks my mom was giving me. When the plates were cleared, and Lucas and Victor had gone off to get ready for the day, she asked me what was wrong.
"Nothing." I was looking out the window and watching snow fall.
"Axel," she said, "I may not see you often, but I know you. Is everything okay with your sponsorships and your team?"
"Yeah, that's all fine." I answered with an upbeat tone, hoping she'd be reassured and not question me any further. No such luck.
"And how is your health? Are you feeling okay?"
"I'm fine." I got up to pour myself more coffee.
"Is it a girl?"
I made the mistake of not answering immediately.
"Axel..."
I heard her turn in her chair and I felt her stare.
"Has a girl finally gotten through to you?"
"Gotten through to me?" I said. I turned to see a hopeful expression on her face.
"Is there finally someone you care about?"
She knew me much too well. I just shrugged. "I'm fine, mother."
* * *
My family visit went by quickly because we kept busy. I was relieved not to have a lot of time alone with my thoughts. My mom tried twice to talk to me about what was bothering me, but she didn't push.
Before I left she told me that she'd hoped I'd finally found a good woman and that things would work out. She said she thought I'd be happier if I "settled down." She and Lucas had celebrated their twentieth wedding anniversary last year. She still believed in love, and was making it work, even after having been left by my dad.
At the airport, waiting for my return flight, I was checking messages when a young blond woman took the open seat next to me. She started a conversation, and it turned out that she also was Belgian and now living in the U.S. We talked for a while and eventually I realized she was flirting with me. I was surprised to also realize that I was not interested in flirting back. She was very attractive, and normally I would have had her number by now, but I suddenly had no interest. We parted ways when boarding began.
On the flight home, I couldn't sleep. With nothing to distract me, my mind kept replaying my last conversation with Kayla. I kept picturing the look of pity in her eyes when I'd told her I didn't make emotional commitments.
What was it Kayla had said about me? 'That's no way to go through life.' Maybe it was time to consider a change.
Chapter Ten - Walking on Clouds
Kayla
I felt lighter. I actually felt lighter, like I was beginning to be free.
The night of my confrontation with Axel in the bar, I'd felt terrible, and I'd been in a state of shock about the admission I'd made to him. But the next day, I woke up feeling like I'd jumped over a hurdle, and maybe it would be easier from here on out.
I knew with complete certainty that all this time I'd been idolizing a version of Axel that did not exist. He was a good-looking and likable man, yes, but in one major way he wasn't really a man at all. When it came to relationships, he was still a child emotionally, and realizing that about him magically broke the spell he'd had over me.
This new revelation gave me the mental distance I needed to write the article about Axel, and finally it seemed to just flow from my fingers. I did a bit of additional research, reviewed my notes, and met my word count in no time. I felt lighter still.
Maybe dating would be different now. In a way, I'd been as emotionally stunted as Axel when it came to relationships. I hadn't gotten close to anyone either, though it wasn't because of a conscious choice on my part. Maybe I'd be able to find that spark with someone, now that I wouldn't be measuring men against an ideal that didn't exist.
Two weeks passed. Dean reviewed my article and seemed to be pleased with it. I was feeling hopeful about life in general, and then I heard from him. Axel left a message on my work voicemail. I was going through messages in the morning, and suddenly his voice was in my ear.
"Kayla, it's Axel. I know you probably don't want to hear from me—"
And without stopping to think, I pressed the button to delete it. Seeing him and saying goodbye to him had felt like a big breakthrough, and I didn't want to go backwards. I was feeling good, but I wasn't sure I was strong enough to be in contact with him. Total abstinence felt like the safest plan.
Two days later, there was an email from him. My eyes skimmed across it and I caught a few phrases without intending to. I saw "You were right, thinking of you, we could be—" before I deleted it too.
The next day, Marlee came to tell me that Axel had been in touch with her. He told her he wanted to make sure I was alright. It was starting to piss me off that he refused to do as I'd asked him to, and just leave me alone.
"Why is he doing this?" I said in frustration. "It's like he finally found one woman he can't have, and he won't let it go. Maybe it's the thrill of the chase for him or something."
Marlee's face was serious. "I think he really cares for you. That's the impression I get."
Marlee usually had a good read on people, and I considered her opinion. Maybe Axel was concerned about me, as a stepbrother would be. I had been pretty emotional every time we were together — okay, that was an understatement — so maybe he was just checking on me.
"If he calls you again, please just tell him I'm fine," I said.
She gave me a long, searching look before she turned to go.
* * *
The magazine
issue with my article about Axel was well-timed to release right at the start of the racing season. I'd seen the layouts already, but when I got the printed copies, I immediately flipped through to find my story. It was always a thrill to see my work in print. I found my name, and then was distracted by a full page picture of Axel, standing in front of the framework of his new house. Memories of our kiss in that same location raced into mind and my face flushed with a sudden rush of heat. I quickly turned the page, and found more images of Axel, including a close-up that had me momentarily transfixed. I ran my finger over his adorably crooked nose. And then I quickly closed the magazine.
Before I could change my mind, I put two copies into a large envelope along with a quick note: "Thanks for the interview." I addressed the package to Axel's manager and gave it to the admin for mailing. I took two copies home with me, where they sat on my coffee table and attracted my attention as effectively as if they were yelling at me. Axel's picture wasn't on the cover, thankfully, but his name was, and each time I saw the magazines sitting there, I thought about his upcoming race. I always watched his races. I'd thought I'd probably quit that now, but it was a longtime habit. I liked racing. I didn't watch just for him. Okay, of course he was the reason I first watched, but by now I knew a lot about the other drivers, the rankings, and so on, and I was truly a fan. I told myself that enough time had passed. I felt fairly sure that I could watch without having an emotional relapse.
Sunday morning came and I ended up indulging in what had been last season's pre-race habit. Habits are so very hard to break. This time it started when I decided to look at the online version of my article about Axel. From there, I did a search for other recent news items about him. I could say that this was part of enjoying race day and being a well-informed fan, but I knew what I was truly looking for. I waited for the paparazzi pictures to appear. Axel with a tanned blond on his arm; Axel escorting a model to an event, Axel going to dinner with yet another beautiful woman. But nothing new came up. All of the image results were things I'd seen before, and all of the news stories were related to racing. There was none of the gossipy "who's he dating now?" stuff that always came up.
SPEED: A Stepbrother Romance Page 4