Her heart lighter than it had been for weeks, she made her way over the hill and down to the small line of scrub that would provide her with some privacy.
Strange that her admitting to something so embarrassing could make him lose the inner darkness that she knew hadn’t always been his habit.
When she returned to the horses, Jake had spread a plastic-backed blanket over the hard grass beneath a scrubby tree, laid out two cellophane-wrapped sandwiches and a thermos with tin cups, and was sprawled beside the food with a grin. “I thought you might be hungry.”
Laila could feel the slight double entendre there, the hidden invitation. Her body reacted to it, with the memories of midnight loving that were never far away; but responding to the lush sensuality between them only gave him an excuse to keep an emotional distance while he used it against her to maintain control. “What’s on it?”
He chuckled. “I know about your aversion to meat. It’s just tomato and lettuce. And the tea’s herbal. Chamomile with peppermint and a touch of honey in case you get a queasy tummy.”
She shook her head with a wry laugh as she flopped down beside him on the blanket, toughed by his sincerity. “You say that like I’m in kindergarten.”
“At least I didn’t give you Vegemite or peanut butter.”
She grinned at his bantering tone. “Thanks for that…and for taking care of me.”
He lifted a brow. “You mean you don’t mind for once?”
“Pride and independence is useless when you’re hungry and have a constantly hungry little someone inside you demanding to feed. I’ve been getting hungry all the time lately.” She reached out for a sandwich, unwrapped it and dug in.
Jake unwrapped his sandwich, then poured the tea for her. “Just in case you need it.”
“So solicitous,” she teased between bites of the simple sandwich.
Smiling that gorgeous, crooked grin of his, he said, “See all the fun you’ve been missing out on?”
“Maybe you’re worried you make bad sandwiches,” she murmured in deliberate provocation. “The tea’s your insurance in case you make me sick.”
“I happen to make excellent sandwiches,” he retorted. “I had to make them for Sandy and Aaron every day, growing up.”
“But you made the tea just in case,” she pointed out, wondering where his mother had been, what she’d been doing, but not willing to break the tentative connection they were making by asking the question. “You don’t want me to make a mess of the blanket.”
His eyes were warm and dark on her; the ghosts he dragged around behind him were nowhere in sight. “You got me.”
They were flirting.
Laila’s foolish heart began singing. The man lying less than three feet from her was the one she’d always sensed was lost somewhere inside him. He was reaching out to her…or maybe for once he’d forgotten the past that haunted his soul.
Knowing the connection between them was fragile at best, she chose to not push it, but laid down flat, looking up to the blazing sky, the tiny puffs of cloud chasing each other westward, and the galahs and cockatoos wheeling around overhead, screeching their lonely calls.
“It’s so good to be outside again.”
“I think you mentioned that before,” he said, sounding lazy. Contented.
She twisted her face to give him a wry look. “So shoot me. I haven’t had a lot of conversation lately.”
“You’ve had plenty of conversation with your friend Jimmy…even one two hours away at the coffee shop.”
A switch came into his voice, the silky tone of a man in dangerous waters. Laila’s heart again rejoiced, hoping she wasn’t the only one living in the grip of jealousy.
She decided to take the bigger risk and tell the truth, hopeful that he would follow and tell her things she needed to know. “Jimmy is one of only a handful of friends I made at Bathurst.” She laced her fingers together over her belly, feeling her navel popping out with a little sigh. “Being the daughter of Brian Robbins is a shadow I never knew how to step out from. People wanted things—or thought things. I was never just Laila. Except with Danni—the friend I told you about—and Josie—and Jimmy. One or two others, but we’re not close, not the way I am with my friends. Especially Jimmy.” She heard her voice soften with the name, but didn’t look to see his reaction. “I met him the first year. He was my protector and savior. He became my study buddy, and he helped me get the job at the steak-house. He forced me out from studying and work. He dragged me to parties. He made me reach out to people. When everyone called me Princess Laila, he called me Your Worship, to make them all laugh, and realize there are nicer ways to tease someone.”
“When did you know he was in love with you?” Jake asked quietly, without inflection.
“When he told me, about six months after my one and only romantic disaster.” She sighed. “We tried, you know. We dated, held hands, kissed once or twice.” She couldn’t look at Jake as she said it; it felt too much as if she was betraying something sacred. The gulp went down like a rock was lodged in her throat. “I wanted to feel what he did, to give him what he gave me, but it just wasn’t there, and that hurt.”
“Because you love him,” Jake said, his voice gentle, reflective. “Just not the way he wanted you to.”
She sighed again, and nodded.
“If I hadn’t taken responsibility for the baby, if I hadn’t wanted to take care of you both, would you have married him? To feel less alone—just to feel loved and protected?”
The insight in his questions hit a core of pain in her soul—the whisperings of her conscience she hadn’t even known was there until he voiced them aloud.
“Part of me wanted to, but I couldn’t,” she mumbled, feeling the flush cover her face. “I knew that would only have hurt him in the end.”
The quiet wasn’t uncomfortable, as she’d expected it to be. Time slipped by as they laid side by side, warm and windblown and content.
“You’re a strong woman, Laila Robbins,” he said after a while.
Uncomfortable with all he wasn’t saying, she turned to him, resting her head on her hand. “He’ll be a fantastic vet, you know,” she added with a smile. “And a great dad, too. He’s a fabulous big brother to the hordes back home. Some girl will be really lucky—” Her face broke out in a grin as the soft bubbles of movement rippled across her burgeoning belly. “The baby’s saying hello.” She took his hand in hers. “Want to feel him?”
Without his permission, she splayed his hand across her. “Hey, little one, this is your daddy. Want to say hi to him?”
After a very long forty-five second wait, she felt the tiny bumps quiver across where his hand rested.
Slowly a smile formed on his face until it seemed fair to split with the pride and joy. “Hi, little mate,” he said, utter awe in his tone. “You wanted us to know you’re listening in, huh?”
Laila smiled at him. “Better watch what we say. The doctor told me babies’ ears develop pretty early.”
His brows lifted as he kept his hand on her belly, running it over her with tender strokes to encourage the baby to move again. “It might have been good to tell me that the first day I knew about him.”
There was no rancor in his tone, only a conspiratorial kind of humor, so she replied in kind. “Well, pardon me for being overwhelmed. You were a pretty scary proposition.” She poked her tongue out at him, and wrinkled her nose.
His eyes darkened, but not in anger. “You have to be the most honest woman I’ve ever known, Laila.” His gaze dropped to her mouth. “You don’t play games.” He leaned into her, obviously taking care not to hurt the baby. He hovered there, about two inches from her mouth, waiting for her signal.
“And you like that?” she whispered, her tone thick with the longing he could inspire in her so easily.
The answer was his mouth touching hers.
With a soft moan of joy she tangled her hands in his hair, bringing him closer, deepening the kiss. He made a rough sound in his th
roat as she opened her mouth for him, caressing her face and her hair. The kiss went on and on, but not in the frantic, needing passion she’d known first from him, or the calculating giving he’d shown her the past month or more.
Everything in the kiss and every touch was laden with tenderness. Laila’s heart almost burst with the joy of it. She knew, oh, she knew that this time, Jake had no agenda but wanting to be with her, wanting to kiss her.
When his slow-drifting hand caressed her belly, the baby kicked against him, its first full, hard kick. Jake broke the kiss to laugh. “Do you think he’s giving us a message?”
She smiled up at him. “I think he likes his mum and dad kissing.”
He chuckled, and nuzzled her neck. “Do you mean him, or his mum?”
“Both,” she whispered, flowing into his touch. “Oh, definitely both. Oh, Jake,” she mumbled, reaching up to hold him where he nibbled at her shoulder.
“Yeah,” he mumbled back, kissing along her shoulder and neck.
She arched up into his touch. “It’s been so long…”
At her blatant sensual invitation, he lifted his head. His eyes smoldered, but held resolution, too. “We can’t,” he murmured, caressing her gently. “Not here. Not now.”
“When?” she asked, filled with urgency. “When, Jake? I want you so much!”
He hushed her with a finger on her mouth. “We can’t,” he whispered in her ear, his body lying all the way alongside hers, close and warm and needing. “It’s only been two weeks since the cramps. I won’t put you and the baby at risk, no matter how much I want you.”
She buried her face in his neck. “It won’t hurt us. This hurts. Jake, I can hardly sleep. When you touch me, the feelings, the need, lasts for hours, sometimes days.”
He gathered her close against him. “I’m glad to know it’s not just me,” he growled, his voice like rough gravel.
She shivered with yearning. “If I get Dr. Broughton’s clearance…”
“Laila, I’m trying really hard to do the right thing here, and you’re not helping much.” He now sounded raw, burning with the same need blazing inside her. “The baby…”
“Is fine,” she whispered, guiding his hand back to her belly. “See? There he goes again. He’s telling you to make his mummy happy, Jake!”
Slow and soft, he kissed her. “Marry me, Laila. It will be so good for us.”
Something clenched inside her. He was now offering a marriage with a shared bed. A small step for mankind—but a huge leap for Jake; and temptation clawed at her, heart and soul. If she married him and shared his bed, surely love couldn’t be too far behind?
Every instinct screamed that this time, he wasn’t manipulating her to get his way. She wasn’t going to give in to that insecurity, not now, when being impulsive and emotional could change her entire future, and her baby’s life. She uttered a brief, heartfelt prayer for guidance before she said the second set of words that had sprung up into her heart.
Touching his face, she looked deeply into his eyes, and took the risk. “If I say yes, will you invite your family to the wedding, Jake?”
His eyes closed. His face hardened, and she knew she’d lost him even before he spoke. “It’s getting late.” He got to his feet, and jerked his head toward the scrub below. “If you need to revisit over there, I’ll pack up.”
Laila held her tongue, knowing argument would get her nowhere. At this point, she’d do far better to remember how far he’d come, rather than focusing on what she hadn’t yet achieved.
In just over a month, he’d gone from offering a marriage of convenience to accepting they couldn’t live anywhere near each other without aching to make love. He’d changed from coldness to teasing and kissing her as if he meant it.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, Laila. Remember, all good things come to those who wait!
Yes, she had to work on her impatience; but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t continue to chip steadily away at his barriers.
She yawned delicately. “Good idea. I get more tired than usual lately.”
He helped her to her feet, his coldness vanished in an instant, overwritten by concern. “Has this been too much for you?”
She smiled up at him. “I’m fine, Jake. The doctor says tiredness is normal at this stage of pregnancy, because of the baby’s rapid growth. He said to continue a normal life, just sleep when I need to.” She yawned again. The sleepiness had overtaken her with the first yawn, and now she couldn’t stop.
In moments, she found herself up in his arms; then he laid her back down on the blanket, her hat placed over her face for extra shade. “Sleep now.” His voice was rough with unspoken caring. “It’s a long ride back.”
Lying on her side, she wriggled around, trying to find a more comfortable spot, gave up and rolled up the side of the blanket beneath her belly while she only bent her legs slightly, instead of curling up as she used to sleep, prebaby. “The baby needs plenty of kicking space,” she grumbled good-naturedly, “and if I don’t give it to him, I don’t rest. I don’t know why he always has to begin his athletics career every time I’m relaxed.”
Jake put his hand back over the baby. “Isn’t he too little yet to hurt much?”
“Not this guy. He’s made me aware of his presence in a very aggressive, I’m going to be a forward in the football team manner,” she said, mock-aggrieved. “I think he’s going to be a ten-pounder at least.”
He laughed, sounding strained still—but Laila’s heart bounced with happiness. “I think I was almost eleven pounds born, so it’s likely.”
“Did you play football, too?” she mumbled, sliding toward sleep.
“Sure did.”
She nodded, and yawned again. “Thought so. I can imagine you ploughing through the opposition in your, I’m here and don’t bother with me manner. Like father, like son…”
A soft chuckle. “I’d like to come with you on your next doctor’s appointment, Laila.”
Well past half asleep now, she groped for his hand, still resting on her belly from behind her, and pulled him down. “If you sleep with me now.”
“Bargaining with me even when you’re asleep. Impressive,” Jake murmured as he lay down behind her, bringing his body in close to hers, and reveling in the rightness of lying with her this way. “Life with you will never be boring, Robbins.”
But her even breathing told him she was already asleep. Softly, with a deep, abiding tenderness he would never show her while she was awake, he kissed her hair, and wished he could find the way to change his past and the person he was, so they could both find happiness; but that was impossible. So he kissed her again, and took what he could get: an hour of make-believe that when she knew all about him, she could somehow perform a miracle on him and he’d become the extraordinary kind of man with a clean, untainted past: the sort of man who’d really deserve her love.
CHAPTER NINE
NIGHT had almost fallen by the time they arrived back at the homestead.
Laila sat straight in the saddle, but her eyes were heavy, her face pale. Jake wanted to kick himself. He’d taken her too far from home for her first real ride in weeks. He should have followed his instincts and kept it local, a short half-hour ride followed by the picnic and a rest; but his guilt at restricting her for so long had let Laila dictate the pace.
Still, she’d slept for almost two hours, and he’d given her the softest spot and the rest of the blanket for the baby. He was itching where some bull ants had bitten him, lying on the tough grass beside her, waiting for her to wake up.
It had been the first time he’d laid beside her since the night they’d conceived the baby. It twisted his guts, remembering how good, how peaceful it felt to have Laila in his arms, scooped against his body, sweet and trusting in sleep, all barriers lowered.
He jumped from the saddle and flipped on the light when they reached the stables, then helped her down from Starfire. For once she didn’t argue, but groaned and let her cheek flop onto his shoulde
r. “Thanks,” she murmured. “The baby kicked almost all the way back. I feel like I’ve done three rounds with a heavyweight champion.”
He chuckled and held her up, brushing her flyaway hair that seemed stuck to her face. “Let’s face it, Laila, this kid doesn’t have a hope of being quiet and still with us as parents.”
She laughed, but it seemed dutiful. She was even more drained than she’d let on.
“Want help getting to the house?” He moved to turn her toward the house.
Shaking her head, she stepped back. “I’ve got to get Starfire comfortable first.”
“I’ll do that for you. Just for tonight,” he added with a grin, seeing her eyes flare with resentment. “It was your first ride in weeks, we went too far, your sleep wasn’t comfortable and the baby’s kicking exhausted you. You have to be balanced about this, Laila. Meet me halfway.”
After a moment, she nodded. “All right. I’d appreciate it.” She looked up at him, the uncertainty clear to read in her dark sky gaze. “What are we doing, Jake?” she whispered. “Are—are we friends now?”
He resisted the urge to deny it with all the hot rebellion rising in his soul. “Maybe we have more in common than I’d thought at first,” he said, with caution. He didn’t want to make any promises he couldn’t keep.
A tiny smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. “I’m glad. Maybe it’s what we should have been all along.” She yawned, and therefore missed the brief hardness that crossed his face.
He knew he ought to agree; for the baby’s sake, for Laila’s sake, too, since it seemed she didn’t have all that many true friends away from Wallaby…but it wasn’t going to happen, not while he wanted her so much he ached day and night with it. He had a bad feeling that this particular ache was one that couldn’t even be cut surgically from his system.
How on earth had Jimmy loved Laila so many years, lived close to her and repressed it? As soon as he’d had a taste of her, his days and nights had been filled with craving for more.
He started when he felt the soft brushing of lips over his cheek. “Thank you for a lovely afternoon. I think I’ll be able to sleep tonight, despite what I said earlier.”
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