And with each of us boys, the moment we were out of the cradle and could more or less keep on our feet, father would take us with him when the spring came and he went out to plow. He’d unwrap the bread from its white cloth and tell us to put it on the ground. Then he’d put our little hands on the handles of the plow, take hold with his own hands, and we’d plow over the bread. He did this with each of us in turn, Michał, me, Antek, and Stasiek. Right away he’d start teaching us how to plow. Don’t hold it like that, keep it tight, walk in the middle of the furrow, it needs to go deeper when the earth is dry, when your hands get bigger you’ll be holding the reins in this one and the whip in the other, as well as the plow. And don’t try to scare off the crows that are following behind you, let them be, because when you’re on your own out in the field with no one but the horse the crows’ll keep you company, and whatever they eat will grow again. And each time you turn, always let the horse have a little breather. Now what’s that singing in the sky?
“A lark, daddy.”
“That’s right, a lark. Do you know where the lark came from?”
“It flew here.”
“That’s true. But one day the Lord God was walking over the fields, and there was a farmer plowing. Is the work hard, God asked the farmer. I’ll say, Lord, answered the farmer. So God took a clod of earth and threw it up into the sky and said, let it sing for you, it’ll make the job easier.”
When we were a bit older we’d ask father what would happen if we didn’t put the slice of bread on the earth at first plowing. He’d frown and look at us like we’d been tempted by Satan or something, and he’d call on mother as a witness:
“You hear what ideas they’ve gotten into their heads, the little good-for-nothings? I ought to take a stick and knock those devilish thoughts out of them. Cross yourselves right now, or else!”
We’d be all scared and cross ourselves. Michał would often do it three times, but it didn’t calm father down and he’d take it out on mother:
“You’re their mother, why aren’t you saying anything!”
“They’re kids, they’re still allowed to ask about anything. You’re their father, you should explain it to them.”
“I never asked my father about anything. Nor did he ask his. You had to listen, not ask questions.” Angry that mother hadn’t taken his side, he’d turn to grandfather: “Did I ever ask you anything, father? Did you ever ask your father?”
But grandfather was really old by then, and often he’d be rubbing his feet, because they were always aching, and he didn’t quite get what father was after, whether he was supposed to nod or disagree with him, and he’d mostly give a vague answer:
“Well, when you didn’t know something, you’d ask. But back then children were different, they’re not the same these days.”
“What do you mean, not the same!” said father, turning on grandfather now. “Didn’t people plow and plant and harvest on the same land? You don’t know what you’re saying. Old age is starting to get to you, I can see.”
Because grandfather was the one father got mad at most often of all. For the slightest thing, sometimes without any reason at all. If the rain set in he’d complain that grandfather’s feet kept hurting and they wouldn’t stop. One time the wind blew down a poplar and it fell on the barn, and he went after grandfather about that too, he said why hadn’t he planted an ash or an elm, no, he had to go and plant a poplar, and poplars aren’t good trees at all, they’re crap, you can’t build anything with the wood, and you can’t burn it because it burns like straw. Or another time he stepped on a chick, because the chicks had gotten out of the basket where the brood hen was and they were pattering around the room, that was grandfather’s fault too because grandfather was sitting on the bench instead of by the stove where he always sat, and father had had to go around him. It was probably all because of those papers that grandfather had buried somewhere and couldn’t remember where. Or maybe because grandfather never got upset when anyone got angry at him. You could be as mad as you liked at grandfather, he’d just look at your anger like he was staring into space or he couldn’t hear anything. So us boys would get mad at him sometimes too, because we knew he’d never grab a stick and come after us, or tell on us to mother or father, or hold it against us. Sometimes he’d even take a pear or a greengage out of his pocket and he’d say, here, Szymuś, here, Michał, they’re sweet as sweet can be, have one and don’t be so angry.
Though just as father could suddenly get angry, the anger would pass equally as quickly. He’d reach for his tobacco pouch, roll himself a cigarette, and start to tell us what would happen if we didn’t give that slice of bread to the land:
“There’d be misfortunes.” And he’d start explaining what the misfortunes would be, starting with the land getting covered with weeds, then there was rains, hail, heat waves, drought, mice, vermin, and other plagues, all the way up to the most terrible possibility, that the land might stop producing anything at all, because it would have turned to stone. Then grandfather would add his own misfortunes to the ones that father said. Because grandfather knew even more than father about misfortunes that can happen to you. And not just because he’d lived longer. He’d worked on the squire’s land and he’d served in the tsar’s army, and one time everything he owned had been swept away in a flood, another time it had all been burned by lightning. So earth, water, sky, war, it was all the same to grandfather. But father didn’t like grandfather topping him when it came to misfortunes. Grandfather would barely get out the words:
“Back in the day –”
When father would immediately jump in with:
“Never mind back in the day. Misfortunes back in the day aren’t the same. You were working the squire’s land, so they were the squire’s misfortunes. It was the same in the army, the bread was rations, whether there was any or no the soldiers had to have some because otherwise they wouldn’t fight. Here the land is ours. If you treat it badly it won’t forgive you. There can be misfortunes like in the Holy Bible, or in the Queen of Sheba. The prophecies weren’t for nothing.”
Mother sometimes had to step in and protect us from all those misfortunes:
“Stop frightening them. They’re just children. When they grow up they’ll have their own misfortunes, what do they need yours for. All you’ll do is keep them awake at night.”
Sometimes Stasiek would wake up in his cradle and scream the place down like he’d been dreaming one of father’s misfortunes. It didn’t help to rock him, he’d just cry even louder. The only thing that worked was for mother to stop up his mouth with her breast.
At that time I didn’t know a whole lot about bread except that sometimes we had it and sometimes we didn’t, and that when we had it it was good, and when we didn’t it got even better. While we still had it we knew that when we finished one loaf father would go to the barn and bring another. And mother would ask while she was cutting it, how much shall I cut you? Because sometimes your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you end up throwing it to the dog.
But it also happened that spring would be a long way away and father would bring the last loaf and he’d say, this is the last one. Then we wouldn’t see bread for weeks on end. Not till Easter, because mother would always leave enough flour for one or two loaves at Easter, you couldn’t have Lord Jesus rising from the dead and us without bread. Then there’d be one or two loaves for the harvest, to keep the mowers’ strength up. The whole time in between you’d be living by the old taste of the bread. You’d dream about bread when you were asleep and when you were daydreaming. You’d miss it like it was someone close to you. Worst of all was in the evening, because in the evening it’d appear to you like a ghost. All of a sudden there’d be the smell of bread, like someone had walked past the window with a big loaf under their arm, or the neighbors had just taken bread out of the oven. You couldn’t stop yourself saying:
“There’s a smell of bread from somewhere.”
But father was always keeping an eye
on our thoughts to make sure we were thinking about anything but bread, and he’d disagree right away:
“What are you talking about? The Maszczyks are probably just burning straw, they must be out of firewood. Or maybe Dereń was mucking out this morning, manure sometimes gives a smell like bread. Especially horse manure.” He’d sniff and make like he couldn’t smell anything himself. He’d even go over, open the door and let the air in, and he’d say he couldn’t smell a thing. To prove his point he’d sometimes ask grandfather:
“Can you smell anything, father?”
And grandfather wouldn’t smell anything either and he’d nod to say he couldn’t smell anything.
“There must be a thaw on the way. I’ve had ants crawling up my legs all morning, the little buggers. Biting ones. The weather must be about to change. Did you see there’s a wind blowing up? The wind often brings new weather. If anyone was baking bread it could only have been the Wronas, and they’re east of us, but when the wind blows for a change of weather it’s always from the west. One time the Turks were eating bread in their trenches, and we could smell it so plain in ours it made our bellies hurt from hunger. You can smell bread from miles away.”
Mother was the only one that believed I must have smelled bread, because otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything, and she started sending me to bed right away:
“It’s bedtime, you need to go to bed and get to sleep. Don’t think about bread, son.”
Because her too, when she was clearing the table, she’d often cup her hand and make as if she was gathering bread crumbs, she’d even cross over to the range and toss the crumbs into the firebox.
One time, despite myself I blurted out:
“Mama, there isn’t any bread!”
Father was sitting at the table staring out the window, he came down on me like a ton of bricks:
“What are you shouting about, you little nuisance? Let her throw it on the fire! If she’s swept it up let her throw it in! Crumbs always have to be thrown into the fire! It’s a sin to do otherwise!” He was so mad he actually stood up and walked back and forth across the room, then in the end he went outside.
I don’t know what could have ruffled his feathers like that, I hadn’t said it so loud. But maybe it was just the fact that it was bread? Because after the bread ran out, everyone would avoid talking about bread as well. No one actually said not to talk about it, but still it was as if we’d forgotten the word “bread.” Even grandfather, he’d be talking about what they ate in the different wars he’d been in, he’d mention beans and cabbage, kasha, noodles, sometimes meat, but he never mentioned bread. It was the same with us kids, when we were kneeling by our bed saying our prayers out loud, and mother was standing over us making sure we didn’t miss out any words, when it came time to say, our daily bread, we’d drop our voices and mother would let it go. Though there was even something about our prayers that bothered father, he’d say to mother:
“They ought to say a Hail Mary instead. Our Lady’s more likely to grant children’s wishes. She had a child of her own.”
Father seemed to be just sitting there and thinking, he rarely said anything, but he didn’t trust a soul. He must have known that at a time like that the slice of bread wedged up there on the rafter was like the apple in the Garden of Eden, it could have tempted anybody. Most of all he didn’t trust me. Whenever he watched us all, his gray eyes drilled into me more than any of us. But he didn’t even trust grandfather. Though grandfather didn’t have a single tooth in his head, how could he have been tempted by bread that had been there since Christmas Eve and had dried as hard as stone. Even when he had fresh bread he’d only pick out the inside, and he’d have to chew every mouthful forever before he swallowed it.
With Michał and me it was different, we had teeth like wolves, as far as we were concerned the bread could have been drying for a hundred years and it would still be bread. The best bread of all, that mother had held against her stomach and as she cut it she asked us how much we wanted. Your gums itched when you remembered about the bread that was up in the attic. Though you didn’t need to remember it, you always had it before your eyes. Half the time, hunger would stir you so your mouth watered, the rest of the time you’d be tempted so hard by the idea of being full that you could almost feel the bread filling your belly. It tempted you all the time, from morning till evening, and even for a long time into the night, after we’d gone to bed, it still wouldn’t leave us alone.
I shared a bed with father and Michał, I was next to father. Michał slept crosswise at our feet, because he didn’t thrash around in his sleep, and also he was shorter than me, because for the longest time he didn’t grow. The moment father got into bed he’d turn his back toward me, maybe mutter something about me not pulling the quilt off him, and he’d be snoring right away. I didn’t need to wait much longer for Michał either. He’d dig around with his legs a bit at the beginning, because he could never find the right place for them. But once he’d found it, his legs would twitch a couple of times then he’d sleep like the dead. After that, by the bed under the window where mother slept with Antek, Stasiek’s cradle would stop rocking, sometimes Stasiek would whimper some more, but mother didn’t hear him now. As for Antek, even if he’d heard something he would just have pretended all the more to be asleep, more than if he’d actually been sleeping. Our grandparents slept in the other room across the hallway. Also, grandmother would go off to bed the moment it got dark, and grandfather would just sit on a stool for as long as he could, dozing. So when he finally went off to bed he was already as sound asleep as if it was the middle of the night. Mother would have to help him over the doorstep, because the threshold grew bigger under grandfather’s feet, like he was already dreaming that he was trying to cross over into his own house but he kept not being able to do it. Though as it happens the actual threshold was quite high. Because thresholds were made not just for the sake of it, but so there’d be somewhere to sit when you had more people than usual.
The roosters were already crowing for midnight. Father would turn on his other side so he was facing me. Then he’d turn his back again. Michał would move his legs because they’d gotten stiff. Stasiek would squeal in his sleep, and the cradle would start to rock. But I’d still be seeing that slice of bread high up on the rafter, it’d be shining there like the brightest star, and the picture wouldn’t go away. At times it ached like a sore tooth, other times it nagged at me like a bad conscience. If I could have wriggled around a bit it might have gone away. But there was no room in the bed, and right next to me was father’s back, big as a mountain. He could have woken up at any moment and asked:
“Are you not asleep yet?”
Just in case, I’d decided I would say the fleas were biting. But I don’t know if he would have believed me, because we didn’t have fleas in our house. Mother would air the sheets outside every day, and underneath she’d put dried thyme. When I finally managed to get to sleep, I could never tell whether I was dreaming or awake, because I still had the slice of bread before my eyes. One time I dreamed I went to the attic, and propped up the ladder, but the ladder was too short, so I climbed a poplar tree, but the poplar turned out to be too short as well. It could have been the same whether it was a dream or waking. In the morning father asked me:
“Why were you squirming around so much? Were you having a dream?”
I got out of it by saying it was probably from the cabbage and beans I ate the day before, because with dreams you can get out of it by saying anything at all. Luckily father wasn’t in the dream, so he believed me without a problem.
It was worse during the day, when he happened to be sitting in the main room. Sometimes he was just across the table from me. And it was like someone had deliberately pushed the bread into my mouth and told me to eat it in front of him, because it was only bread. And bread is there to be eaten. My whole head filled with the sound of me crunching the dry bread between my teeth. I looked around terrified, because I was sure everyo
ne could hear. Father, mother, Michał, Antek, even Stasiek in his cradle. And grandfather seemed about to open his mouth and say:
“Listen, everyone, there’s some kind of crunching sound. Michał, go check under the bed, see if that damn cat’s eating a mouse under there.”
And father, it would be like he’d been waiting for exactly that:
“Cat? What cat? I put the cat outside! Come on, fess up, which one of you is it? Is it you, Szymek? Open your mouth this instant, you little pip-squeak!”
Because I think father suspected something as it was, he’d sometimes look at me like he was about to ask:
“What are you eating there?”
I’d cringe under his gaze, and I’d repeat to myself in my head, I’m not eating anything, I’m not eating anything, I’m not eating anything. Or, I’m just having a plum, because I was thinking how we had plums at the priest’s house in the fall. Or I was remembering how we went picking hazelnuts at the manor before the Assumption, I’m eating one of those. But they weren’t ripe, daddy. And the steward chased us off.
One time he stared and stared at me and then all of a sudden he asked:
“What are you thinking about?”
At first I froze, I couldn’t get a word out. It was as if my mouth was still full of bread. I was like a mouse being chased by a cat. So I pretended I thought he was asking Michał, not me. I looked at Michał like I was expecting him to answer. Michał looked at me. But father wasn’t fooled:
“Not Michał. I know what Michał’s thinking. Michał’s thoughts are clear as springwater. I mean you.”
“Me?” I said with a surprised look, buying myself a few extra seconds to decide what I was thinking about. Before he said anything back, I already knew.
“I’m thinking about Lord Jesus,” I got out in a single breath.
Father’s eyes opened as wide as they would go, he straightened up and looked at me like a blind man looking at the sun. He didn’t know what to say. I thought he’d leave me alone now. Maybe he’d get up and say:
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