by Amber Hart
I cannot help but wonder: Will Raven do the same?
Chapter 37
Raven
Nearly a week of hiding passes, and I’m dying to get out.
“Let’s forage,” I suggest.
Clovis and Jospin sit on opposite sides of the cave, which makes it hard for me to choose where to go. I automatically want to be near Jospin, but I also know that he’s the one creating the tension in the air. If he would only see that Clovis did what he thought was right by giving Dad information on the pack. But Jospin refuses to see it as anything less than traitorous.
I cannot go to Jospin every time. I cannot leave Clovis alone with his thoughts, in his lonely part of the cave. He too must be eager to escape. Which is exactly why I’m sitting next to him now, talking about the world outside. Jospin doesn’t like it, his look announces, but he says nothing.
“We can leave for a few minutes if we’re careful,” Clovis says.
Jospin continues to clean his gun, acting casual but recording every minute of the interaction between Clovis and me. I understand that he doesn’t trust Clovis, but his worry is pointless. Clovis would never hurt us.
Jospin sets his gun down. “I’ll go with you,” he offers.
“It’s okay,” I say, unsure how Jospin will react. “I want to go with Clovis.”
Jospin pauses. Looks from me to Clovis and back to me. “Fine,” he says. “If that’s what you want.”
He trusts me, I realize. Though he doesn’t trust Clovis, he trusts me, and that’s enough for now.
“We’ll be back soon,” I say.
I decide not to strip down this time. I will lay my clothes on a rock to dry inside the cave walls once we return.
My swim is only slightly slowed by my injured leg. My arm has mostly healed. Another week and I should be like new—except for the scars, but what’s one more now among so many?
I surface next to Clovis and smile. We are met by fresh air and filtered sunlight. We’ve startled a pig that was drinking at the pool. It squeals and runs off, leaving the waterfall to us.
“Beautiful,” I say, and stretch my legs.
My feet hit forest soil. I stand up straight. I listen to the trees to make sure they hold no threat to us. And they don’t, say the slight breeze and animal noises. I look at Clovis, checking that he agrees it is safe.
“Come on,” he says with a smile, happy to escape for what little time we have.
We immediately get to work looking for food. We don’t split up; the threat is too high. We have only knives in our pockets and the power of the two of us together to fight off any danger that approaches.
Almost immediately I spot some berries. I remember them to have a bitter aftertaste, but they are fresh and edible, so I pick them anyway.
“See these?” Clovis says, plucking a few leaves from a small bush. “They make an excellent tea. But since we don’t have hot water, we can use them to stave off hunger.”
Clovis places one in his mouth but doesn’t chew.
“You suck on them as a snack, like this,” he says, as he gathers more.
I find other leaves, ones we can eat. I stuff my pockets with berries and small nuts that have dropped to the forest floor from trees.
I think about how I wish Jospin could be here with us, but I need to talk to Clovis alone.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
Clovis pauses for a moment. Dreads fall into his face and obscure my view of his eyes.
“Yes,” he answers. “I mean, I don’t know, Raven. He was my best friend. I guess maybe I miss him?”
Clovis’s answer steals my breath. Here I am thinking that maybe Clovis is frustrated with our situation. Maybe he’s angry with Jospin. Maybe he’s worried that we won’t make it out of this alive; I know I’m worried about our survival. But Clovis isn’t thinking about that, or at least that isn’t his biggest concern.
He misses his friendship with Jospin.
“He was like a brother to me, and now that person is gone,” Clovis continues. “He hates me, and I get it. I understand why.” Clovis looks up at me. “I completely understand his reasons. I did betray him, Raven. You want to convince him that he shouldn’t worry about me. But you don’t understand that I am a threat to him because I betrayed him. He’s absolutely right in thinking that it is unsafe for him to trust me. And honestly, from his standpoint, he’s dead-on. I would feel the same way, I think, if our roles had been reversed.”
I admire the way Clovis’s voice stays strong, though I can tell from his expression that he’s hurt. I respect how he holds his head high and doesn’t complain.
“But it’s like your father said to me once, Raven,” Clovis continues.
My concentration sharpens. He’s about to tell me something more about Dad. I love these moments, when I get glimpses of Dad through Clovis’s eyes.
“He told me that you must lose some things—occasionally all things—in the process of gaining. It’s part of the fight. Saving the gorillas wasn’t going to be easy, he promised me. Walking away from the tribe wasn’t going to be easy. I knew that one day I would lose my family.” Clovis pauses and looks toward the treetops. “It was still worth it. Hard, but worth it.”
My heart aches for Clovis. He’s sat in a cave for a week with a person who used to be like a brother to him—with whom he shared his childhood—and though he sees Jospin the way he always has, Jospin sees Clovis as the enemy. What must that do to Clovis’s heart?
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I understand that doesn’t make things better, but I am still sorry that you’ve lost them, Clovis. Your mother, your father, Mattius, and your tribe. They’re all gone. But I hope you know that I’m here.”
I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. He hugs me back and sighs into my hair.
“Raven, as long as you are Jospin’s, I will not have you completely as a friend. He will always want to protect you from me. I would do the same. So there will be a rift. And that’s okay. It’s meant to be this way. I hope you will go back to the States and take Jospin with you. I hope you’ll be happy.”
Clovis’s words feel like goodbye.
“And what about you?” I ask. “Where will you go? Do you want to come with us? I mean, I’m not actually sure Jospin will come—that he can come or what legal paperwork it would require—but I guess I hope he will.”
Clovis steps back. “No, Raven,” he says with a smile. “My home is here. It will always be here.”
I nod, understanding. “Well, we still have some time left.”
It is my weak attempt to convince my heart that it doesn’t need to break just yet.
“Let’s keep foraging,” Clovis says, turning his eyes back to the trees.
And because I don’t want to say goodbye any more than he does, I focus on our task.
“Look there,” Clovis says, pointing to a branch above.
I take two steps back when I see the snake twisted like a tie around the leaves.
Clovis reaches into his pocket and removes his knife. One fling and it’s embedded in the snake’s body, pinning it in place. Clovis removes another knife and swiftly cuts the head from the snake, an easy kill. When he retrieves the snake, I make a slit down the middle of its scales and pull back the skin. One more slit in its muscles, and the innards are removed. What we have left is a lot of protein.
“Nicely done,” Clovis says with a smile.
“Thanks,” I say, proud of myself. With each day that passes, I get better at surviving here, and that makes me feel good.
We take off to the water’s edge. One plunge underneath, and we are soon back at the cave.
Jospin smiles when he sees me. “Did you catch that?” he asks, referring to the snake meat in my hand.
“No,” I admit. “Clovis did.”
“She skinned and cleaned it,” Clovis says, making eye contact with Jospin.
Jospin takes the snake from me, freeing my hands to retrieve all the wet nuts and berries from my pockets.
&
nbsp; “If we leave the meat in the sun by the hole, we can maybe dry it out enough to eat it tomorrow,” Jospin suggests.
“Exactly my thought,” Clovis adds.
I’ve never had dried snake meat, but I would eat just about anything with protein at this point. I ache for fresh food. Though we have canned meals and dehydrated fruits, I crave something organic, so I get to work drying the leaves Clovis has set out. We don’t have anything to eat on, so I lay the food on a rock in three separate spots. I add berries on top and a sprinkle of nuts. It’s not much, but my stomach growls in approval.
“Ready?” I ask.
Clovis and Jospin join me. I try not to notice how Jospin watches Clovis as he sits near me.
Jospin immediately says, “You know, I see the way you look at her.”
I remember what Clovis said about Jospin having the right to be worried.
“I don’t look at her any way,” Clovis replies.
“You do,” Jospin says coolly. “You watch her when she’s in the room. You’re looking at her even now.”
“It’s not what you think, though,” Clovis replies.
“You sure about that?”
I don’t miss the malice in Jospin’s tone. The way he stops eating and clenches his fists. I say nothing. It’s annoying how they are talking about me as if I’m not here, but I have to let them work it out alone. I take another bite.
“I am sure,” Clovis says. “But I understand your concern. There is nothing I can say to convince you, but I’ll say it anyway. Raven is my friend, and I am hers. I protected her at the compound, and I’m protecting her now. I want her to be happy. She is happy with you, Jospin.”
“Would you like her to be happy with you?” Jospin asks.
I’m surprised by the pause on Clovis’s part.
“It doesn’t matter what I say here, Jospin. So what is it you really want from me?”
“I want you to tell me the truth for once!” Jospin yells.
We cannot afford to yell. I place a warning hand over Jospin’s.
“The truth is that Raven is amazing,” Clovis says. “She is beautiful and smart and strong. That’s what you want me to say, isn’t it? Well, there you go. She is all those things and more. But she is yours, brother.”
“I am not,” Jospin says through clenched teeth, “your brother.”
Clovis’s eyes are deadly calm. “You’re looking for a fight, and you will not get one from me. I do love Raven, but it’s not how you think. I love that she has persevered when most would have given up. I love that she does not judge me for the things I’ve done. I especially love that she is my friend when I no longer have anyone else.”
“And what about something more than friendship?” Jospin asks. “Do you wish for that?”
Clovis says nothing. He takes another bite and looks off at the rock wall.
“Answer me,” Jospin demands.
“Maybe if things were different,” Clovis says softly. “But they’re not, and we never had the chance for more. She has always loved you, and I have always respected that. You are asking me to think about Raven in a way that I try not to. She’s off-limits, and I honor that. Our friendship has grown to a place where I see it only as a friendship. Nothing more. So, Jospin, stop. I am not your enemy.”
“You’ve been my enemy since the day you betrayed us.”
Clovis nods as if this is true. As if the fact is accepted and Jospin is right. As if there is no way to convince him otherwise.
“Perhaps that’s true,” Clovis agrees. “Maybe I am your enemy in your mind.”
It is Jospin’s right to feel however he wants, but I do hope that he sees there is no fight in Clovis. Jospin meets my stare. He must recognize something there, because his face softens and he lets it drop. He eats a few leaves. Washes them down with water. Clovis eats too.
“I may not be your brother,” Clovis whispers, “but you will always be mine.”
Jospin pretends not to hear.
Chapter 38
Jospin
I try not to think about my conversation with Clovis as night descends and cloaks the cave in darkness. The moon shines only dimly through the hole in the ceiling. Raven approaches the hole to peer out of it.
“Like a telescope,” she says. “It’s perfect. Come look.”
Clovis is asleep and I am on watch. Raven has chosen to stay up with me. I try not to think about where Father’s men are and if they have picked up on the trail we tried not to leave. Something tells me—the calm of the night, specifically—that Father has not figured out where we are. Even if he has, he doesn’t know to look in the cave. But we will eventually have to come out.
Raven makes room for me. When I look out, I see that she’s right. Through a break in a patch of leaves above, the moon shines down. The sky is sprayed with stars. I imagine what it would be like to look at it from the top of the trees. I can’t wait for the day when that is once again possible.
“Jospin,” Raven whispers. “Were you happy before?”
I take a moment to consider her question. Was I? Yes, maybe. “I thought I knew happiness before you, Raven.” My stare leaves the sky and focuses on her dimly lit face. “But I was wrong.”
She smiles. “What was it like? I mean, I know you made weapons. I know you hunted. But what else did you do?”
So much was a secret before. Raven asked me to tell her about myself once, at my old home. Out of fear that she might learn that I was a poacher, out of a need to protect her from that side of me, I couldn’t tell her. I can now.
“Mostly I hunted, took watch, and followed gorilla trails to map out the next hunt. Sometimes I would detect disturbance in our territory from other poachers—which was a deadly offense. I would have to find them.”
Raven listens intently, her gentle fingers tracing a pattern on my leg.
“I held meetings with the pack too. I was in charge of keeping order. There was so much that went into the business.”
“What about other things besides the business?” she asks.
It was rare for me to engage in anything unrelated to poaching. “I didn’t get much spare time away from my duties as a poacher. But when I did, I explored the jungle with…” I pause, glancing behind us. It hurts to remember. “With Clovis and Mattius. They were my best friends. We did nearly everything together.”
Raven looks at Clovis and grins.
“You saw me enjoying one of my preferred pastimes, actually,” I continue. “Do you remember the day in the forest when you thought you could hide behind a tree? When you assumed you’d been quiet enough and that I hadn’t heard you? You were watching me.”
I laugh at the memory. Raven looks slightly embarrassed.
“Of course I remember,” she says, her eyes dipping down to my lips. “You were eating coconuts.”
“They’re my favorite. I loved foraging in the forest. You see how hard it is to get food here at times. Whenever I could, I searched for fruit and mushrooms and edible greenery. I would dry them out and store them up.”
“But your parents have enough food with the canning business,” she says.
“That is true,” I agree. “But I liked the adventure of finding my own.”
“You liked to do a lot on your own, didn’t you?” she asks. “A different house, stocking your own food, making your own weapons, having time with me away from it all. That’s why I asked if you were happy before. I thought maybe you weren’t. As much as you were a part of the pack, you were also finding ways to break free of it.”
But I was a good hunter. I did almost everything Father wanted of me. I tried with all my might never to disappoint the pack. Yet in this moment I realize something. “You’re right,” I say. “I never thought about it that way. I was born into the pack and the empire that came with it. Mother used to say I was independent and that independence was a trait of an alpha, the role I was meant to fill.”
“Or maybe,” Raven says, “you were exploring what it would be like to know oth
er things outside the pack. Your father controlled you, Jospin. He taught you that poaching was the only life for you. He lied.”
I let my head rest against the cool rock wall of the cave, considering Raven’s words.
“When the choice came,” Raven whispers, “you didn’t pick that life, Jospin. You forged your own. That is something to be proud of. You’re free of him.”
And I realize, again, that she’s right. We are in hiding and on the run, but I am free of the life I was once chained to.
“Look where we are now; it’s unbelievable,” Raven says, awed. I cannot disagree that it is striking—the smooth rocks, the pool, the waterfall. “Let’s stay here forever.”
“It is beautiful,” I agree. “But I don’t know if it’s enough to make me stay.”
“Hmm,” Raven says. “What about the stars? Are those enough to make you stay? We have a natural telescope. Where else will you find that?”
I smile. “I don’t know.”
“What about the water?” Raven asks, eyeing it. “A nature-made pool. Can’t beat that.”
“It is pretty nice,” I admit. “But still not enough.”
Raven’s big blue eyes stare at me. “What about this?” she asks, and leans in for a kiss. Her lips press against mine.
“You’re getting closer,” I reply.
“And this?” she continues, reaching a hand under my shirt to rake nails down my back as she kisses me.
I groan. “Maybe for that.”
“Maybe?” She grins.
I reach for her hips and lightly trail fingers across a spot that makes her squirm. Raven kisses me harder. Our breaths warm the air around us, and soon I no longer feel the cool of the rocks, because Raven’s skin is hot against mine.
I stand, somewhat crouched, and she follows. Quickly, I glance to where Clovis is sound asleep.
“Let’s swim out,” I suggest.
Raven nods as if she’s thinking the same thing. “Right now?”
I don’t know if I can go another minute without having time alone with her.