by Jerri Hines
“I have been thinking, Mary. Do you not think we should look for a place of our own?” Cathryn said, walking along the path back to the manor. “I can’t see us leaving before the winter sets in. Perhaps we should look for something for the three of us. Something small.”
Suddenly, she paused, walking up the steps of the veranda. She caught sight of a figure of a man through the window. She stared, frozen onto her spot. Then he turned. Relief flooded her. It was Philip!
Abruptly, he leaned against the side of the couch. His face grimaced as if a surge of pain swept through him. Without hesitation, Cathryn rushed through the door.
“Philip, is something wrong?” she asked. Her hand went to his forehead. He felt a little warm. “Sit. Mary, go and get his lordship a drink. Go now. Philip, sit down. What on earth are you doing here?”
He glanced up at Cathryn with a charming smile upon his face. He took her hand and held it against his chest. “Oh! To have come home to be cared for thus! What more could a man asked for?”
She slapped him lightly upon his wrist. “Oh, do be serious, Philip. Are you sick? Do you need to lie down?”
“Don’t be so dramatic. I was feeling run down, I believe the doctor said. Need to rest. Have had so much going on. The big day is approaching fast,” he said. He swung his long legs around the couch and sat upon it.
Without warning, he reached up and grabbed hold of Cathryn, spiraling her down on him. She laughed and caught herself against him.
“You, my lord, are trying to change the subject,” Cathryn retorted. She eyed him from the corner of her eyes while she straightened her skirt.
He smiled at her. It was good to smile…laugh. Oddly, she couldn’t remember the last time she had done so.
“The doctor told you to rest, so you ride all day to get here? You will be riding back almost as soon as you got here, you goose. You have to go back. You have a wedding to attend.”
“Ah, yes, but it’s not today. For right now, can I not just enjoy the day? Not be pushed here or there. Told I have to say one thing not to offend this person or that.” He gestured with his hands. “You wouldn’t believe, dear Cathryn.”
Mary walked back in with a tray. Philip turned his charm upon Mary and diverted the subject away from himself. Cathryn admitted that she was happy to have his company, but she wasn’t deceived.
He hadn’t shown up out of the blue days before his wedding without reason, no matter how much charm ushered forth. But for now he was set upon entertaining them.
* * * *
“Philip, don’t you think it is time to tell me what is wrong? And don’t go on about you are resting. I have let all pass, for it hasn’t been my business, but you are a dear friend. You have been here for the last three days. The wedding is set for tomorrow, Philip. Don’t you think that Anne might be looking for her bridegroom?” Cathryn asked, sitting down across from Philip.
She had changed out of her riding habit from their afternoon ride. Philip had talked her into riding again. She found herself quite enjoying herself as well as Philip’s company. “Isn’t it time to tell me what has happened?”
“You won’t want to hear it. You won’t be happy with me I’m sure.”
“What would I have to do with any of this, Philip? Unless Anne was upset with you helping me. Is that it?”
Philip stood. “Come. Let’s walk. The sun is setting. I love this time of evening. Don’t you?”
He extended his hand to her. She accepted. The gardens illuminated its beauty in the twilight. Shadows of the day fell, thickening with the last greenish tinge leaving the sky. She drew her shawl around her shoulders tighter.
“Are you cold?” he asked. Taking his waist coat off, he placed it around her shoulders, holding tight to the buttons.
She stared up into his eyes. Something bothered Philip. She saw it well. She reached up to his hold on the coat and placed her hand over his.
“Philip, tell me. Tell me, what is the matter?”
“I told Jake he was a fool, you know,” he whispered.
“I don’t want to talk about Jake. It is done,” she said.
She stiffened, unable to talk about Jake, not to anyone. “Tell me what is so hard to do so? I see within your eyes. Philip, you are making me nervous.”
“Will you hate me, Cathryn, if I told you that I left? I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. “I tried to tell Anne I couldn’t go through with it. She wouldn’t listen. So I just left. The wedding is off. Father is furious. He threatened to cut me off. I don’t care. I couldn’t marry her. I thought I could. When I asked her, I had every intention to do so, until…”
“Until what? Oh, Philip, how could you do so to her? She loved you I’m sure,” Cathryn cried.
“Oh, sweet Cathryn, she loved my title. I’m certain, it wasn’t me,” he answered.
“Oh, no, Philip, I don’t believe so. I saw her with you.
The way she looked upon you. Why would you do so?”
“Why? Oh, Cathryn, can you not see? I couldn’t marry Anne when I loved another. Everywhere I turn I see her face. The way she used to smile. Whether she will have me or not, I couldn’t go through a farce of a wedding,” he said. “You will think me a cad. But when I began to have these weak spells that seem to have ascended upon me as of late, Anne would press me to continue.
“Her concern didn’t lie with my wellbeing, but how I presented myself to the world. Moreover, she complained about your situation. She had no compassion. How can one not show compassion toward another human being? She wanted me to walk away. I couldn’t do that. She saw then and knew.”
“You are making no sense, Philip.”
“I suppose I’m not. Nothing lately has made sense. When the doctor told me to rest, I could only think about coming back here. You will think me morbid, but I thought if I had only a short time to live, I wanted to be here. I wanted to be here with you, Cathryn.”
“Philip,” she uttered. “I’ve never thought…”
He cupped the nape of her neck with his hand and bought her face up to his. “Don’t you think I know that? I have thought of nothing else. How wrong is it for me to feel thus?
“Jake is my best friend, but he is a fool to ever let you go. I was committed to Anne, but every time I was around you…I’m not a gentleman. That night in the garden when you were so desolate, I took you to Jake. He let you go back. I would have never, Cathryn.”
Her eyes locked upon his. She hadn’t expected his words. His head bent down a little more, his lips touching hers delicately. He kissed her gently. He held her in such a manner to encourage her to linger on his lips.
For so long, she had hurt and felt nothing else. Her heart sat in a void. Philip didn’t press her, but stared at her as if etching her face into his memory. He kissed her again. She found herself responding to his touch, allowing him to destroy her resolve.
“Oh, Philip, I don’t know,” she broke away, “I can’t. How can I? You don’t…”
“Please, don’t tell me how I feel, Cathryn. I have no control of how you do, but I have no doubt about mine. If you don’t want me around, at least you know that I love you.
“For me, right now, that’s important for you to hear. Why do you think I have waited to tell you? I had not the courage.”
“Philip, I don’t know what to say,” she whispered. “It’s not fair to you, for I don’t know if I can ever feel again. I don’t know if I believe in love.”
“I understand, Cathryn, but I know I can make you feel again,” he said in a soft, tender voice.
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. Then he parted from her, leaving her standing staring after him.
* * * *
Cathryn stared out her alcove. A full moon shone in the clear night sky lighting the gardens beneath it, but her mind lay not on its beauty. Her mind raced. She had to leave. That wasn’t in question. How right Philip was. Nothing made sense.
He had to have known that her reputation, already in shred
s, would take another blow with his appearance in the house with her alone without a proper chaperone. She hadn’t given the matter much thought until his declaration. With his walking away from his wedding and descending down here with her, there would be nothing left. And there was Jake…
Words were sparse throughout dinner and Cathryn retired early. Withdrawing to her room, she realized Tacy must have known, but chose not to mention the change in routine to Cathryn as she readied her mistress for bed.
Cathryn heard the door handle turn. She wanted to fend she hadn’t expected such, but she had known. She turned when she heard the click to the lock.
Philip walked slowly up to her and placed his arms around her. Taking her into his arms, he carried her to bed. She made no protest when he shed his robe and lay down beside her.
He whispered how beautiful she was, how much he loved her. She made no attempt to stop him while he undressed her. He kissed her over and over. His hands swept over her naked body, prodding her to respond to him. Slowly, her body throbbed with a physical craving he had ignited within her. All of her became wanting.
He gave pause only a moment when his hand caressed her shoulder, exposing her scars left from her nightmare to his sight. He stared at her. A tear escaped down her cheek. He wiped it away.
She reached up to him, pushing back the voices in her head. She could only think that at least for a moment the pain would ease. She returned his kiss.
She whispered, “Love me, Philip.”
* * * *
Moonlight shone through the window. Cathryn had found no sleep wrapped in Philip’s arms. She refused to regret her decision. She had a need to feel loved and Philip loved her. She would deal with the consequences in the morning. Right now, she had a great need for the man that lay beside her.
She felt his lips upon her neck. He wasn’t asleep. His hands began to move across her body. He had awoken emotions she had never known existed. He had realized it and took great pleasure with that fact. He had been an expert lover, taking her slowly, gently. She shivered as his lips kissed her skin.
“Ah, my beautiful, lovely, Cathryn, I will teach you much in time. My love, my lover,” he whispered. He had begun again. She turned to him and returned his passion.
* * * *
Cathryn awoke and sat straight up in her bed. Philip lay beside her. The moonlight replaced by the morning sun shone brightly in the window. The door handle rattled and then she heard a knock. Panic swept through her. It was morning and he was still in her bed.
“Philip! Philip!” she urged in a voice as loud as she could say without fear anyone else could hear her. “It is morning. Tacy is trying to come into the room. Oh, what am I going to do? Get up.”
“Calm down,” he uttered while he sat up beside her. He leaned over and kissed her. “Good morning. It’s a beautiful day. Is it not?”
“Ssh! Someone will hear you,” she said, panicking. “What am I going to do?”
He stretched lightly and pulled her into his arms. “I have a couple of ideas.”
Exasperated, she pushed at him. “This is no time for teasing, Philip. Get up. I have to think.”
“I doubt your maid will be that surprised, my darling. She has the look of one that would understand,” he said. “You know, I believe I’m in trouble, for I didn’t bring any other clothes besides my robe. Do you suppose Tacy would…”
Cathryn sighed. Her temper rose. “The servants. Oh, Philip!”
“Have I ever told you when you get angry your eyes change color?” he said, aggravating her further. She began searching for her gown. She caught sight of it upon the floor. He eyed her with a smile. “Go ahead.”
She paused, for she lay naked against him at night in the darkness, but in the bright sunlight… “Be a gentleman and turn your head.”
“I believe I told you, Cathryn. I’m no gentleman,” he said and laughed.
She was so mad she didn’t care and swung back the covers. She lunged for her gown. Quickly throwing it over her head, she turned back to Philip, who lay comfortable within the covers. He made no effort to move, but had an irritating smile plastered upon his face.
“What am I to do?” she cried.
He leaned over and brought her into his arms. “I know exactly what you are going to do. We are going to get dressed for the day while I go visit the Reverend down at the rectory. How do you feel about getting married this day? I don’t think he will refuse me. Do you?”
“Married?”
“You don’t think I would ravish you without the intent upon marriage. You know, Cathryn, you will learn how much I love you. I have waited so long to tell you.” He caressed the top of her head and held her tight. “I don’t suppose it will be the wedding of your dreams. But I can promise you a bridegroom who loves you deeply and wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with you.”
“I…” she stuttered. “I’m going home, Philip. I’m not staying here. I can’t.”
“Yes, I know you are,” he said. He began to kiss her neck again. “You have told me that numerous times.”
“I am,” she said, but with each kiss, her voice wavered.
She turned to him. He was as a young child maneuvering to get his way. He stared into her eyes and he got his way.
* * * *
Cathryn stood within the chapel beside Philip. She was dressed in the best gown she had at Trafford. Less than a week ago, she had been so desperately unhappy, clinging to each day only to get through it. Philip had changed all, sweeping in to rescue her. She didn’t even ask how he had arranged the special license.
She had a fear of Tacy trying to talk her out of it, but found that Tacy thought it for the best. All she had said was that she would make a beautiful bride. Tacy had done her best with her hair and had done an admirable job. Mary stood beside her, crying.
“You look so beautiful, Miss Cathryn,” she said. “It is the right thing. I feel it.”
“Thank you, Mary,” she said simply. She had pushed all thoughts out of her mind, except one, Philip. He had so easily convinced her that all would be right with the world as long as they were together. She chose to believe him.
So she stood beside Philip, on the day in which he was supposed to marry another; a day when she pushed aside the memories of the love she felt for another.
Cathryn saw well the love that illuminated from Philip for her. He had been true to his word that she had begun to feel again. If it wasn’t the love she had felt for her lieutenant, she was a different person than she had been. She stood before God and man and vowed to love and cherish Philip, her husband.
Philip took a ring from his pocket, a lovely golden band with emeralds surrounding a brilliant diamond. He placed it upon her finger. At first she hesitated, thinking it was meant for another, but as if he read her mind, he mouthed, “It was my grandmother’s.”
The Reverend proclaimed them husband and wife. There were only a few in attendance besides Tacy and Mary. The Reverend’s wife and daughters and Philip had asked Malcolm, the house butler, to attend.
“At least it gives the semblance of my family,” Philip said and laughed. “Malcolm has been in the family since before I was born.”
They returned to the estate in the carriage as husband and wife. Cathryn couldn’t remember a time since coming to England that she had felt this happy.
“I’m sorry there’s not more of a celebration, my darling,” he apologized. “I believe there is a need to keep our marriage quiet for as long as possible.”
“I’m fine, Philip. I don’t need any more than you have given me,” she said simply.
He smiled, staring into her eyes. They shared their first dinner together, alone within his suite. He hadn’t wasted any time moving Cathryn into his room. He closed the door, shutting out the world. They existed within a world of their own, just the two of them for a time.
Chapter Ten
“I think not.” Cathryn shook her head. “You need your rest. I would like to talk
to this doctor. Does he know you wake in sweats at night?”
“Ah! Ever the doting wife. I don’t know what I have done before marrying you, my darling.” He leaned over, kissing her.
“And you are forever changing the subject. You are extremely good at it,” she said, returning his kiss. “You never said how the meeting with Mr. Hamilton went. Did you work out everything you needed to go over?”
“You know if I hadn’t married you because I love you so, I would have married you for your money,” he teased. “I’m jesting, but he said he has the agreement with your cousins in hand. The threat of charges no longer hangs over Mary’s head. Mary is a free woman. You know you make a decent business woman.”
“It worked and I’m happy. Mary will be so relieved. It is nice to finally put all behind us and look to the future.” She glanced up at her husband. His eyes fixed upon her. “Have you written to your mother as of late?”
“Yes, I invited her out,” he answered, but his manner altered. “Before we begin talking of my family, I want you to understand what I talked about with your solicitor. I have it all set for you.”
“Set for me? What?”
“If something happens to me, you will be taken care of,” he said simply.
“Philip, I will be taken care of? You confuse me,” she said. “Should I be worried?”
He took her hand and brought her down beside him. “No. It is more because I know what you brought into this marriage and you should understand my position,” he answered. “Father is still furious. In honesty, I haven’t told him yet of the marriage, even after these two months. You have married a coward, my dear.”
“You forget I have met him. I don’t think such,” she said and smiled at him.
“I know him well. Given time he will come to accept…perhaps a great deal of time. But until then, he has cut me off from his pockets, but I’m not without means and with your inheritance, we have nothing to be concerned about, but I wanted you to understand that this estate where we live, Trafford, is mine. It was my grandmother’s, as well as the ring upon your finger.”