by Fiona Cole
I slowly turned, finally looking at Shane. He looked exhausted. Dark circles bruised under his bloodshot eyes. His shoulders dropped as his mouth opened and closed, searching for words.
“You what?” I whispered.
“I . . .I didn’t mean . . .Shit, Juliana. I didn’t-”
I stomped forward until I stood right in front of him, jaw clenched, shock and anger fueling the blood in my veins.
“What? You didn’t mean it?” I jabbed him in the chest. “You just wanted to try and salvage your family with whatever means necessary?”
“No. Jules, I didn’t-”
“Then why? Why?” I could barely form any other words. My throat was closing over the lump trying to escape.
His cheeks were red and he looked more unsure than I’d ever seen him. Stuttering over his words, starting sentence after sentence, but finishing none of them. Part of me wanted to let him off the hook, but my emotions raged so high after the stress of everything. The angry words thrown back and forth, Hudson coming to me Friday night, Hudson standing there after spilling my life to my brother. I was too pissed.
“I’ve missed you.” His words were soft, spoken only to me and it was the first bit of hurt to break past the anger, bringing a tear with it. But the hurt just added fire to the anger and I lashed out.
“Missed me? Like you missed me Friday night? Missed my moans when you’re inside me? My skin, my lips, my taste?” I ignored Jack’s growl as I threw Shane’s words back in his face from Friday.
“Juliana.” He said my name like a plea, filled with hurt. “No.”
“No? Then what is it about me that you miss?” I needed him to tell me he missed me as a human being, as someone who shared moments with him. Not just a body he missed fucking. I needed him to do more than stand before me, looking miserable. I needed words.
“I . . .I miss . . .” He looked around the room as he rubbed a hand over his hair to squeeze the back of his neck.
“You don’t even know. You can’t even say it.” I wiped at the stray tears falling down my cheek and hardened my voice. “You don’t love me. Someone who loved me wouldn’t leave me feeling so miserable over and over. Reject my love again and again. They wouldn’t say the things you’ve said to me, telling me I’m not worth the risk. You don’t even know what love is.”
I pushed past him and dodged to avoid his hand reaching out. Grabbing my purse, I ignored the scuffle of sound behind me. I ignored the sound of skin hitting skin as I tore open the door and made my escape.
Chapter 25
Jolene and I each had a pint of Talenti in our laps, feet kicked up on the ottoman, a bottle of wine between us-no glasses needed, and stared at Ryan Reynold’s sexy ass while we watched Deadpool. I’d walked in the door, my eyes dry but puffy and red, and Jo had given me a sad look that lasted all of two seconds, before heading to the kitchen for ice cream and spoons.
I plopped on the couch and when she brought an uncorked bottle of wine, I tipped it back with a few long pulls. Then I reached my hand out for mint chocolate chip and dug in. It was about seven scoops, two more chugs, and five minutes of the movie that I began spilling what had happened. Jolene respectively gave me a lot of “Fuck thats”, “I’m sorrys,” and “What a bunch a dicks,” which made me love her even more.
Then she’d taken long pulls from the bottle. Which was how we ended up with a second bottle of wine, half of it gone, when the knock on the door came.
She turned to look at me with eyebrows raised. “We can pretend to not be home.”
“Deadpool is kind of loud. Ryan Reynolds is giving away that we’re home.”
“What a sexy dick.”
We giggled like two girls who’d drank two bottles of wine in less than an hour. When the knock came again, Jo was the one to stumble to the door. I didn’t turn around, too scared to see who it was, and finished off the last of the wine.
“Are you the bearers of good or evil?” Jo asked in a dramatic voice that sounded slightly British. I laughed into my hand.
“I like to think I’m a little bit a both, but if I had to choose one, I’m pretty evil,” Evie said.
“Ugh. Stop it.” It sounded like Luella hit Evie. “We’re here to see Jules. See how she is.”
“Come on in,” I called from the couch.
Evie and Lu came to sit on the other two chairs in the living room and took in the empty wine bottles and ice cream.
“Guys want some wine?” Jo came back holding another bottle of wine. “We’re keeping it classy with no glasses, so I hope you don’t mind germs,” she said before taking a drink.
“These are my kind of people,” Evie said with a grin as she reached for the bottle.
Luella shook her head when Evie offered her some, then looked at me. “How are you?”
“Kind of shitty. Kind of drunk.”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “If it makes you feel better, we calmed Jack down a little. Evie bringing up how he was banging me, Jameson’s little sister, without being punched made him look at it in a different light. Kind of.”
“Ugh. I don’t care about stupid Jack and his hissy fit.” I threw my hands up and fell back on the cushion. Biting my lip, I weighed the pros and cons of the next question. “Shane?”
“He’s . . .Okay. I guess.”
“He left after your brother clocked him,” Evie said without softening the blow before taking another swig of wine. Lu elbowed her and she shrugged. “What? It’s what happened.”
“He was just shocked. You’re his baby sister.”
“I’m not a baby.”
“In his eyes, you are.”
“I mean, I think we all were a little shocked by you and Shane’s crazy sex,” Evie said, passing the bottle to me.
I took a drink and scoffed, passing the wine to Jo. “How were you shocked by this,” I asked Evie, accusation coloring my tone.
She raised one eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“This is all your fault. You pushed me at him. You made me love him.” I threw the words at her with a slur, letting myself unleash some blame onto someone else’s shoulders. Wrong or not, it was happening. “Now I’m in this mess because of your encouragement.”
“Jules,” Jo said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“No,” Evie said, holding up her hand, her narrowed eyes trained on me. “First things first.” She pointed her finger in my direction. “You need to own up to your choices.” I opened my mouth to defend myself. “Period. Now, I’m not going to patronize you like your brother, or say you’re too young, because I can see you have your shit together. But having your shit together does not give you experience. Which is why I’m going to let that misplaced pissiness slide.”
I sulked back against the couch. Evie had a way with words that made you feel good about yourself while still having the upper hand. I knew I was wrong for laying any blame at her feet. I just needed to share the heaviness that weighed on me.
“How many relationships have you been in? How many men have you been with? Or better yet, how many men have you really wanted?”
“I dated Hudson, but it was more out of convenience and expectation. There was also a random one-night stand.”
“Anyone you truly chased? Someone you hardcore went after? Other than Shane.”
I shook my head, trying to figure out where she was going, but the wine made it hard. “Not really.”
“See,” she said with excitement, like her point was already made. When I just sat and stared at her in confusion she went on to explain. “You didn’t have experience to know that you would have gone after Shane even without my alleged permission. Nothing was stopping that.”
She reached across me and grabbed the wine bottle, finishing it off. I let her words sink in. Would I have gotten together with Shane without a shove from Evie? Probably. I mean, I did in Jamaica, and I’d been dying for a second chance ever since.
Rolling my eyes, I knew she was right. I needed to take responsibility for my
choices, even if they did suck and I hated the way they made me feel.
“What do I do now?” I asked, almost whining.
“He said he loved you,” Lu said, reminding me like I didn’t have the words on repeat, haunting me.
“He didn’t mean it. We fucked, but he never said anything about wanting more. That was all me and my imagination conjuring more.”
“Then why would he say it?” Jo asked, returning from the kitchen with another bottle of wine.
I snagged it from her hand and drank.
“I don’t know. Maybe to sound better in front of Jack? That’s what he said when I told him I loved him. That he couldn’t lose Jack as a brother. That I wasn’t ‘worth it’. Maybe if Jack believed he loved me, he’d forgive him.”
“You said you loved him and he turned you down? Then comes in and shouts it out to everyone? Oh hell no.” Evie shook her head and pursed her lips.
“Yeah, I mean Jack is great, and I could see why he’d want to keep that friendship. But you’re a woman that will be his companion,” Luella said. “I mean, you have a vagina . . .that he can have sex with.”
“Here, here for vaginas.” Evie lifted the bottle and drank. Even Lu snagged it from her and took a sip.
We all fell into a fit of drunken giggles. But once that bottle was gone and Jo informed us we had no more, we got back to the heart of the issue.
“So, what do you want to do?” Evie asked.
“Not hurt anymore.”
“That’s up to you. You can believe him and go to him. Or you move on.”
“How?”
“I don’t know how to help you believe him or not, but if you want to move on, you make your decision and stick to it. Remove yourself from him and the temptation, because nothing is harder than facing him and trying to give him up.”
“Trust her, she would know. She failed that way with Jameson,” Lu joked, elbowing Evie.
“You have to be sure and strong in your choice. Don’t waffle back and forth. Like I said, you have your shit together. So be the strong independent woman who moved here to support herself without any help. You don’t need anyone. You’re Juliana MacCabe, badass bitch of the Midwest.”
Her hiccup at the end of her speech kind of dimmed it, but it still lit a fire in me. I was badass bitch of the Midwest. I didn’t need his love to feel good. I didn’t need his protection. I didn’t need anything but these awesome ladies here.
My mind began spinning with what I wanted to do to pull away from him, because as much as my heart was dying to believe him, I couldn’t be foolish anymore. I couldn’t let my imagination run free conjuring pictures of a happily ever after. He knew my body, but he didn’t know me well enough to love me. I had to face facts.
“I’ll have to pull out of the forensic position at the station.”
“You only had two weeks left anyways. Dr. Voet will let you do that. He’d let you do anything after Friday’s date.”
Both Evie and Lu looked at me with eyebrows in their hair lines. “Whaaa?”
I waved off their shocked interest. “The date didn’t go as well as planned. He’s great, but I just wasn’t ready.”
“Sorry, babe. This is growing up and unfortunately there are no answers,” Evie said.
“It kind of sucks,” Lu added.
Jolene fell back onto the couch beside me and we all stared up at the ceiling. “Life is such a bitch.”
True, but starting tomorrow, I was going to make life my bitch.
Chapter 26
“When are you going to ask Dr. Voet about not going back to the station?” Jolene asked me from the other side of the elevator.
I rubbed my tired eyes. “I don’t know. It’s only two more weeks. Maybe I can just avoid Shane.”
She didn’t respond, just gave me a condescending stare.
“What?”
“How many times has he called?”
Shane had called no less than seven times since yesterday when I left King’s. Jolene had hidden my phone from me last night, so by the time I’d seen them on my screen the next morning, I ignored them all and refused to listen to the messages. I’d made my decision last night. I needed to stick to it.
“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes at her as we got off the elevator. “I’ll talk to Calvin today,” I said, caving to her point.
We turned to head back to our lab from lunch. Ready to finish the last half of the day. When we made the final turn to our hallway, we heard Dr. Stahl yelling from Dr. Voet’s office.
“Oh, yay,” Jo said. “More yelling. As though there wasn’t enough from this morning.”
Dr. Stahl had been in a shit mood today. More so than other days. Stomping into the room, letting doors slam against walls before slamming closed. Barking short, clipped orders at us from his office, not even deigning us worthy of talking to like we were respectable humans.
“This is the third time she’s signed off on deliveries where lab products have gone missing. Three times. How much longer are we going to let this continue?”
Jo looked at me with wide eyes and I sighed in dread. I had no idea what was going on with the missing supplies, but every day we didn’t know, I felt my job slipping further and further from my grasp. Wouldn’t that be the icing on the cake?
“The situation is being handled.” Dr. Voet’s voice rumbled low and calm, the complete opposite of Dr. Stahl’s.
“What the hell does that mean? It’s my lab. I should be informed of how it’s being handled.”
“It’s officially the college’s lab and the college’s equipment and materials.”
“This is bullshit. A pretty face and a set of breasts are distracting you from the obvious.”
“That’s enough, Andrei.” For the first time, Dr. Voet raised his voice.
I closed my eyes, feeling shame for something I had no control over. Dr. Stahl was a misogynistic dick, and I had nothing to feel embarrassed about.
After a long silence, Dr. Stahl spoke softer than before, but with no less frustration. “I expect this to be taken care of.”
Jo and I didn’t have time to move along and pretend we hadn’t heard every bit of that argument when Dr. Stahl came storming out, lab coat fanning behind him like a villain’s cape. He walked through the second door and stopped when he saw us standing wide-eyed across the hall.
It was the first time we’d seen him all morning since he’d holed himself up in his office. Jo had had to teach his first two classes impromptu because of his absence. He looked haggard. Like he hadn’t been sleeping or eating. His dark hair looked greasy and in disarray, either from not combing it or running his hands through it. His dark eyes sunk a little deeper and stood out more with the circles rimming his eyes.
“Get back to work,” he ordered.
I looked through the door to see Dr. Voet standing behind him in the doorway, watching me. I met his eyes for a moment, but looked away, not quite ready to stay and make my request.
“Now!” Dr. Stahl shouted, making Jo and I scurry down the hall.
The afternoon passed ridiculously slowly, dragging out the time, almost taunting me to go see Calvin and plead my case to not go back to the police station. Every time I got a break in a procedure, Jo would sing-song that now was as good a time as any. I ignored her and moved on to the next procedure.
Maybe a little after five, with my eyes glued to the microscope, Jo’s shocked voice said, “What is he doing here?”
I looked up to find Dr. Voet, a few police officers, and Shane and his partner walking through the door to our lab. Shane stood broader than them all. He almost seemed too big for the room as he walked toward Dr. Stahl’s office but his blue eyes remained on me, holding me captive for too long. I cringed seeing the bruise on his cheek that came from Jack’s punch.
“I don’t know.”
My heart hammered in my chest and tingles radiated throughout my body until my skin seemed to buzz with shock. I hadn’t been prepared to see him so soon. I had decided to block hi
m out and there he was in my space. In my lab. He wasn’t allowed in there.
A scuffle came from Dr. Stahl’s office and muffled shouts had Jo and I staring, frozen in our spot. Two officers had one of Dr. Stahl’s arms firmly gripped in a hand each, with his wrists cuffed together behind his back.
“Andrei Stahl, you are under arrest for stealing property from the University of Cincinnati and distributing said property to known drug manufacturers.”
“Holy shit,” Jo breathed beside me.
“Fuck you,” Dr. Stahl spat at Dr. Voet. “I’m sick and tired of being beholden to this cheap American college.” He turned his attention on us, pure fire burning in his eyes. “Women shouldn’t be allowed in a lab. These conditions are unforgivable for someone as successful as I am.”
The officers returned to reading him his rights as they walked him out of the room. After he’d disappeared through the doors, I turned to Jo. I was sure her slacked jaw and wide-eyes mirrored my own.
“What the fuck?”
Jo and I were still staring at each other, looking like we were both on the verge of uncomfortable laughter, when Shane walked over.
“Are you okay?”
His deep voice stroked my skin, urging me to turn and look at him. I didn’t want to. But, at the same time, I really did. It was the fact that I was dying to turn and let my eyes devour him that made me clamp my jaw shut and turn to look at him with as much fire as I could muster.
“What are you doing here?”
“Arresting him.”
“Don’t you work on arresting murderers?”
He looked a little nervous and brought his hand up to rub across his neck before answering. “Uh, sometimes it intertwines with drugs.” His hand moved up through his hair and his partner Reese walked up behind him. “I just wanted to be here for you. Make sure you’re okay.”
“Yeah, you should have seen this guy’s face when he saw your name on the police report and realized it was where you worked. I thought he was going to blow an artery.”