by Ray White
The research also showed that the 15% of Americans who felt in control of their lives also had extraordinarily positive feelings of happiness.
Autonomy at its core is the freedom to make choices. If you have a choice, you are in control. To cultivate a feeling of autonomy, then, requires you to focus on the choices you have instead of the choices you don’t have. What is within your control vs. what is not within your control?
In the 1970s, Ellen Langer and Judith Rodin did a study with seniors in a Senior Care Center. One floor was given autonomy--the seniors on that floor could choose when and where they received visitors and what movies they'd watch. They were also each given a houseplant, which they could place anywhere and care for in any manner they chose. Seniors on the floor below were given plants, but weren't allowed to make any of the other choices, including how to care for the plants. Unsurprisingly, the seniors with choices were overall happier and healthier. What is surprising and very interesting is that the group with autonomy lived 50% longer, on average. Feeling like you have control over your life, like you get to make decisions that will have an impact on your life, can help you be healthier, feel happier, and possibly even live longer.
Studies with students have found that they get higher grades, more rigorously pursue their preferred careers, and are happier if they feel they are in control of their own lives. Workers are also happier at work and at home, are less stressed out, and stay in their jobs longer when they feel they have autonomy.
Think about times you were unhappy recently. There is a good probability that you were lacking the autonomy to make the decisions you wanted to make. If someone broke up with you romantically, you may feel like you had no choice in the matter. Or if you did have a choice, you may feel like you were forced by your partner's behavior to make a certain choice. Either way, you lacked the autonomy to create the situation you would have preferred to live in. Relationships are complicated for most people because we often cede our autonomy to other people. We can’t control how they feel, how they react, or how they behave. We can attempt to influence how they feel and what choices they will make, but we can’t control them. It can be frustrating not to have control over something so significant--how your partner interacts with you and affects your life. With relationships, focusing on what we can control and the decisions we can make can help us reclaim some of those feelings of autonomy. Feelings of autonomy arise out of clearly differentiating between what we can control and what the other people in the relationships control. We change what we can, and accept what we cannot change.
Outside of personal relationships, autonomy also plays a big role in our jobs and careers. In most cases, losing a job feels much worse than quitting a job. If you are unhappy with your job, it's probably related to being required to do things you would choose not to do if you had the autonomy to make those decisions. Research with pre-school children studied the “Sawyer Effect.” The Sawyer Effect is based on a scene in Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer, in which young Tom cleverly made the chore of painting a fence sound so interesting that his friends volunteered to paint the fence for him. The study found that pre-school children who were offered a reward for drawing actually liked drawing and painting less when they were presented with future opportunities to do so. Getting the reward turned their intrinsic motivation into an extrinsic motivation. It took away their feeling of autonomy, because they were no longer choosing to paint for fun. By being rewarded they were no longer controlling their choices, and their motivation declined. We are more motivated by an ability to choose then by extrinsic rewards. In our jobs we want to focus on the outcomes or results rather than being told how to do something. Most of us want to understand why we are doing something and how it fits into the big picture, rather than simply being given a task with no additional information. We want our leaders to provide a vision of where to go, but we want to decide how we will get there.
In his book Drive, Daniel Pink cites Deci and Ryan’s work on Self-Determination Theory, the concept that people are motivated by internal rewards as much as external rewards. He summarizes: “Human beings have an innate inner drive to be autonomous, self-determined, and connected to one another… People oriented toward autonomy and intrinsic motivation have higher self-esteem, better interpersonal relationships, and greater general well-being.” Other studies have shown that autonomy results in more persistence at a task, which leads to higher grades, higher levels of productivity, and less burnout. In a 2007 study of two American Law schools, well-being deteriorated when autonomy was limited. Being unable to choose their courses, project topics, and relationships with professors had a negative impact on law students.
The link between autonomy and motivation is not a Western or a work-related phenomenon. The research has been confirmed all over the world and at varying income levels. No matter where you are from or how much you make, there is a desire to be autonomous. Increased autonomy leads to happier people.
Now that we understand how autonomy connects to happiness, here are a few activities to help you gain a feeling of autonomy.
Activity
1.Build an autonomy list – What things in your life do you get to choose?
a.People you spend time with
b.Activities
c.How you do things
d.What you eat
e.What you wear
2.Most electronic calendars allow you to highlight your appointments in a chosen color. Review this month on your calendar and put blocks of red for times when you don’t have autonomy or control over your calendar and blocks of green for when you do have autonomy. You can also print out one month of your calendar and do this with colored highlighters.
Review the amount of Red and Green. Do you have more or less autonomy than you thought you had?
Are there any areas you can move from red (no autonomy) to green (autonomy)?
3.Choose what gets done
a)Pick three small things you can accomplish today. This is your list and can include things your boss needs done, things your spouse or family need done, or just things on your list. The most important aspect is that you choose them.
b)Make sure those three things get done.
c)Each day pick three more things that you can control and accomplish.
Accomplishment of even the smallest things will help you feel in control and happier about yourself.
Chapter 6
Taking Control
The Negative Effects of Not Having Control
In the late 1960s several famous studies showed how removing control can actually lead to depression. Martin Seligman, considered by many to be the father of the Positive Psychology movement, conducted experiments with dogs who were shocked and then given the opportunity to stop the shock. One group of dogs could push a lever and the shocks would stop, while another group of dogs saw no clear connection between their actions and the shocks starting or stopping. The research found that the dogs that could control the shocks recovered from the experience while the dogs without control over the shocks experienced “learned helplessness.” In a later part of the experiment, when the helpless dogs were given the opportunity to control the shocks, they would do nothing. They would sit and endure the shocks, slipping into something similar to a depressed state. Similar experiments were done with mice and other animals with similar results. Animals that could control the outcome recovered, while animals that felt they couldn’t control the outcome became helpless, even when the opportunity for control was returned to them.
Related studies were done with babies given the ability to move a mobile by moving their head on a pillow, and separately with adults who were exposed to distracting noise, with only some given the ability to turn it off. The results were similar. The babies and adults without control learned “helplessness.” They would not attempt to control their environments, even when they were later given the opportunity.
On the positive side, the adults who could turn off the noise showed performance improvem
ent on subsequent tests. So while not being able to control the noise created helplessness, having the autonomy to control the noise increased performance over a control group not exposed to the noise. Not having autonomy hurts us and can teach us a habit of helplessness, while having autonomy makes us better and happier.
Lisa was a young supervisor who was great at her job before she got promoted. She could do an amazing amount of work and knew the ins and outs of every system. When we promoted her, she was so confident in her methodologies that Tim, her direct report, was not allowed to change how things were done. Tim, who was bright, was bursting with new ideas; but no matter what recommendations he made, Lisa shot them down. Her message was “my way works and is efficient, so we don’t need to make changes.” Instead of growing, taking on new projects, and getting promoted, Tim stagnated. He went from motivated to bored. As Tim stopped trying to solve problems, Lisa became busier and busier trying to solve them for him. Tim learned to be helpless and fairly useless working for Lisa. Eventually we had to move Tim to another team, where he blossomed. He once again became engaged and excited. Instead of feeling helpless, he started to feel like he mattered and could make a difference. Feeling like we have some control over how we do our work will help us feel happier, more productive, and more successful.
Taking Control
“You cannot control what happens in your life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.” Viktor Frankl
One way to think about taking control of your life is to examine the consequences of someone else being responsible for your happiness. If you believe that you cannot be happy unless your spouse, children, parents, boss, or friends take certain actions, you become a victim of their decisions. They have control of your happiness and they may or may not behave in a way that will make you happy. Even if they do the things that will make you happy, how often is that going to happen? All the time, every day? If your happiness is dependent on other people, and the chances of all those people behaving in sync with your happiness all the time is low, what are your chances of being happy? If you want to be happier, take control of your life by deciding to be happy, and then appreciate when other people are in rhythm with your happiness. Be happier by forgiving or overlooking when they are behaving in a manner that does not make you happy.
Depending on other people to make you happy gives them control over you. If they get to decide when you are happy and when you are not, they can also influence other aspects of your life. What would you be willing to do for this other person if you believed they would do the things that would make you happy?
“Happiness comes from within. It is not dependent on external things or on other people. You become vulnerable and can be easily hurt when your feelings of security and happiness depend on the behavior and actions of other people. Never give your power to anyone else.” Brian Weiss, MD
So what about the emotional impacts of their actions? What about when they make you sad, frustrated, or angry? Remember, being happy does not mean you do not experience negative emotions. It means you don’t let those emotions ruin your day or control your life. Feel the emotions. Embrace those negative experiences, and then choose to move forward and find something to be happy about. You can feel negative emotions without having to act on them. Many of us believe that if we are angry, we have to yell or scream. Releasing those emotions is just a part of having those emotions, but the two are separate. You can feel an emotion, and then you can choose how to act on it. Stephen Covey, in his book, The 8th Habit, calls it the millisecond between action and reaction. If someone cuts you off in traffic, is rude to you, or consciously disappoints you, certain feelings are automatically triggered. There is a small window of time, between the feelings being triggered and your physical reaction, when you get to own your life and decide how you will react. You get to decide whether those emotions will take control and result in a reaction you might regret or that could hurt someone else, or instead, a reaction that is in control and helps you experience and then move on from those feelings. It is not about controlling what you feel; it is about controlling how you react to what you feel.
We Control Our Lives
If someone walks up to you and slaps you, are you physically forced to slap them back or could you choose to walk away? This is central to the “Take control of your life” discussion. Although you might feel hurt, intimidated, angry, or a host of other emotions, you get to choose your response. You get to choose the action you take. This applies to any event in your life. Except under extreme circumstances, you are not forced by any natural law to react a certain way to an external event. You will feel emotions and they will influence what choices you think you have; but in the end, your action is still your choice.
In the millisecond between action and reaction, you control your life. When something happens to you, you have the option to choose what your reaction will be. Positive reactions will make your life and the lives of those around you happier, while negative reactions can have a negative influence on your happiness and the happiness of those around you.
Split-second reactions occur in many situations that are related to habits. Things like positive thinking and reacting with anger or frustration occur immediately after the stimulus occurs. But some of our actions are more long-term and thought out. I know a young lady whose parents are addicted to drugs. They are unable to support her financially, and she recognizes that their habits are a bad influence on her. She has been able to work and save her own money and is about to graduate college with an excellent grade point average. She has two great job offers and will do well in her career and life. Her parents often call her and attempt to pull her back into their negative environment, where they drain her financially or emotionally. She courteously says hello, explains her position, which is usually “Sorry, I can’t help,” and then she moves on with her life. The action is contact with her parents and her reaction is not to be pulled back into that negative environment, but at the same time, not to be bitter and angry about what her parents do not provide. In the moment between action and reaction she decides what her life will be like.
One of the reasons we often react to people and situations in a negative way is that we are focused on the challenges created by our own circumstances rather than evaluating and considering the circumstances of those around us. Stephen Covey tells a story of a passenger on a train who notices a man is letting his kids run wild all over the train. The father makes no attempt to control or discipline his kids. The passenger first ponders, then worries, and is eventually upset by this obvious lack of concern for any of the other passengers. The action is the kids being unruly and disruptive in the train. The passenger’s reaction is to stew on the negative emotions this creates and to eventually snap at the father with the built-up anger and frustration. When the passenger yells at the father to control his children, the father sadly explains his situation. They have just come from the hospital where the children’s mother, his wife, has died. The kids don’t know how to react, and the father is distraught with grief and just doesn’t know what to do. After hearing this information, the other passenger was devastated by his own lack of empathy. The challenge was, he had already reacted in a negative way to the stimulus. We are not privy to the private lives and thoughts of most of the people we interact with. We don’t know what's behind their actions and behaviors. One way we can become better at controlling ourselves in that millisecond between action and reaction is to pause and remind ourselves that we don’t know what is going on inside their heads or in their lives. If we assume there is a reason, bad or good, for them acting the way they are, we can often find more patience and charity in our reaction. It is not about us being right or wrong about our assumptions of their motivations. If we react more positively, no matter what the reasons, we will be happier and we provide them the opportunity to be happier.
Taking It to Another Level
Another story Covey tells is about a large, angry
person creating havoc on a train. A 6’5”, 280-pound man was yelling at and threatening people. Everyone was scared and cowering, and no one knew what to do. Then a small, older gentleman, showing no fear, walked right up to the angry man. He said something along the lines of “Whatever has happened to you must be horrible.” The large angry man paused for a moment to contemplate the smaller man. The angry man then hung his head and his shoulders and said “Yes.” The older, smaller man suggested they sit down and talk about it. Before the end of the train ride the older, smaller man had the large angry man curled up on the seat, crying and telling him the stories of his sadness and misfortune. The older man was able to control what were normal reactions for everyone involved: fear and flight. Everyone was avoiding the angry man, who clearly was a danger to their safety and possibly their lives. The small, older man had the compassion and empathy to understand that, for everyone, anger and yelling are reactions to something we're upset about. He chose a reaction to the stimulus that was courageous and helpful. I don’t recommend that anyone risk their health or lives to show empathy, but the older man's actions are to be aspired to when we're working on owning the choices we have between the action and our reaction.
In a previous chapter we discussed Dylan and Kyle, two young men with similar circumstances who are taking very different paths. In working with Dylan, we offered to help him construct a job search. We gave him ideas on what types of companies to consider, where to look, and what his next steps should be. So the action was help from someone else with a job search. Dylan’s chosen reaction was based on feelings of being pressured and feeling like his choices were being limited. As a result, he ignored all the advice he got, and three years later is still without a job. He continues to limit his opportunities for happiness. Meanwhile, we had similar discussions with Kyle about his job search. Kyle chose to take similar feelings of pressure and limitation and explore them. He asked questions about how to create the circumstances he was looking for; this led to additional deeper discussions about goal-setting and careers to help guide the job search discussions. Kyle was eventually able to create his own job search plan, and later found a job that works for him as a place to start. Both young men had similar circumstances in their lives, which led to similar feelings of pressure and limitation. Each chose to react differently, with one reducing his opportunities for happiness and success, and the other expanding his opportunities for happiness and success.