by Ray White
As mentioned above, we don’t just graduate from college in one day. Our preparation starts in high school, when we do our homework and keep our grades up. We attend class on a regular basis, and we study enough to score well on college entrance exams. Then we have to apply and be accepted into the college we will attend. Finally we have to find funding, attend classes, study, and overcome peer pressure and other obstacles to getting our work done.
We have to be disciplined and perform consistently for four, five, or more years. Getting decent grades in high school helps us be more confident about getting good grades in college. Attending class and doing our homework makes us more confident we can pass a test. Getting passing grades on the tests helps us believe we can pass the class. Passing a few classes and completing our first semester gives us confidence we can complete a full year and eventually graduate. Look for small wins to add to your confidence, and then build on those small wins to accomplish the next bigger task. Accomplishing small things today will give you the confidence to accomplish the big things in your future.
Being Perfect vs. Good Enough
Our accomplishments and small successes get lost in the list of things that did not go right. Many people miss out on celebrating the small successes because they are waiting for everything to go perfectly. As long as they know the results could have been better, it is not yet a success or accomplishment in their eyes. The challenge is, that time may never come--which means very little celebration, which severely limits your opportunity for positive feelings and increasing happiness. Focus on making the effort good enough vs. perfecting the results. We can control how much effort we put forth, but we can’t always control the results. Often there are other factors that come into play. Since we are human, being perfect is impossible.
Perfectionism creates expectations that are always over the horizon-expectations we think we are moving toward, but always seem just out of reach. Good enough enables us to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and shortcomings and celebrate the things that did go right. It gives us something to build on. Good enough provides us a positive feeling that we are making progress and lets us believe that we can accomplish even more. We can increase our happiness if we take the time to stop and think about our accomplishments and successes. If we try to be perfect, we may spend that time thinking about the details that did not go right, rather than the tiny successes we can build on.
Celebrating small successes and creating positive habits are connected. In order to create and sustain a habit, your mind needs some kind of reward for activating the proper behavior. A quick activity that represents your small “victory lap” or “victory dance” reinforces the positive behavior and makes you feel happier and able to take on another challenge. One method I use is the quick and inconspicuous thumbs up. I run several times a week to try to stay healthy. Every time I finish a mile, I give myself a “thumbs up.” It is a small celebration that represents a small accomplishment. It is my small way to reinforce a good habit of running.
One of our teammates wanted to create a habit of arriving at meetings two minutes early. He was always busy with constant back-to-back meetings all day long. Every meeting would run a few minutes over; and then the after-meeting discussions and normal life events, like eating and going to the bathroom, would result in his being late for the next meeting, which would cause it to run a little longer and would result in his being late for the meeting after that. We put some ground rules in place to break the cycle, like scheduling 45-minute meetings and leaving 15 minutes for the follow-up activities. We also created a tiny “victory lap.” Every time he was on time for a meeting, he would send an email proclaiming his small success. This provided a form of accountability, but it also provided the reward in his mind that would make him want to make it to the next meeting on time. He got a small celebration for each small success.
Create your own small “victory dance” or celebration. A literal two-step dance, a victory song, or some other small acknowledgement that you are making progress and succeeding will help you create positive habits and give your mind reasons to be happier.
Activity:
1.Create your own small “victory dance” or celebration.
2.Make a list of your accomplishments for the past week.
3.Give yourself a small “thumbs up” or celebration for each item you accomplished this week.
My personal celebration/”victory dance” is: ____________________
Ongoing Activity
1.Buy a journal or identify an area on your smartphone or tablet to take notes on a daily basis.
2.At the end of every day, write down the accomplishments you are proud of. Make sure you have at least three every day.
3.Write down the strengths that are exhibited by these accomplishments.
4.Do your small celebration.
or
5.Build a PowerPoint file, Pinterest board, or scrapbook with pictures of your accomplishments.
Owning Failures
Much like we should own our accomplishments, we should also own our failures. We should hold ourselves accountable for the events and results in our lives we can control. Failing a test, not completing a project on time at work, or not putting in the time and effort needed to complete a task are things we can hold ourselves accountable for. It is easy for us to say the test was too hard, work was too busy, or the distractions in our lives were too crazy. But blaming circumstances or other people gives control of our lives to someone else or something else. We should be accountable for what we could have done--started earlier, planned better, studied more. If we don’t own our failures, we can’t take credit for our successes. If when something goes well it was us, and when something fails it was someone or something else, then we don’t know when that someone or something else will interfere and cause us to fail; so we don’t have control over our successes and our lives.
There are always contributing external factors to successes and failures. The key to building confidence and happiness is to give 100% effort to overcome and work around those factors. If it's hard to get to work on time every morning because a roommate likes to stay up late, you can politely inform your roommate of your need to get some sleep, you can buy earplugs, or you can get a new roommate.
If you're too busy to complete a task, you can break it into smaller chunks or schedule a time when you will complete it. If you have to take a test or make an important presentation at work, start now. Study, create, or prepare a little bit each day to be prepared with plenty of time to spare, rather than trying to cram it all into the day or night before.
Failure is a natural part of life and learning. Everyone makes mistakes and has goals that end up not being accomplished or challenges that are created by not giving 100% effort. We also fail because of things outside our control. The trick is to understand that failure is not permanent. It is not what we will or have become. It is an outcome that we can learn from. It is an opportunity to get better.
We can always start again, learn from our failures, and create successes. No matter how big the failure or challenge, we can start each day anew and create successes by adjusting to what we learned by failing the day before. Instead of making failures a part of our identity, we can make them the keys to our future success. But this is only possible if we take responsibility for our failures. If we pretend they are someone else’s fault, then we become victims to the whims of other people. If we own our failures, then we can learn, improve, and take back control of our lives.
“If you make it a habit not to blame others, you will feel the growth of the ability to love in your soul, and you will see the growth of goodness in your life.” - Leo Tolstoy
Activity:
1.Make a list of recent failures.
2.Check the box/circle whether you own those failures.
3.Determine what you could have done to make the outcome different.
4.Give yourself a “thumbs up” for admitting and evaluating your failures. They are o
ften a more important part of your happiness than your successes.
Chapter 8
Control What You Can Control
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Part of taking control of your life is knowing what you can and cannot control. Your thoughts, your actions, your reactions, and your happiness are always within your control. Everything outside of you is not. We are all comfortable with the fact that we can’t control the weather or the performance of our favorite team.
We run into a challenge, however, when we are confronted with the possibility that we can’t control the behaviors of the people around us. It becomes even grayer when we start discussing life events and circumstances where we have a lot of influence, but where the ultimate direction includes outside factors.
A lot of confusion is created by our ability to influence but not control outcomes. Where does control end and influence begin? When does our influence become so small as to be ineffectual?
A great example of something we have a significant amount of influence over but can’t control is a promotion at work. We put a lot of time and effort into our jobs or careers. We spend time learning and getting the proper training and education. We put in the years to get the experience. We stay late to get special projects done. We attempt to intuit what our bosses want and make sure we deliver. Overall, we work really hard and hope to get rewarded for those efforts. These are all actions that we can take and we can control. Unfortunately, the decision to promote us lies with someone else. It is not something we can control. So we can get ourselves 95% of the way there, but someone else makes the final call. This can be extremely frustrating for most people. People often get angry and take that anger out on their friends, family, coworkers, and company--actions which can sabotage the next opportunity for the promotion they so desperately want.
This is where understanding what we can and can’t control really helps, and where understanding the difference between pleasure and happiness is important. A promotion is a pleasure. It is an external event. It is something that is outside of us. Recall that happiness is internal. It is how we think and feel about our lives. We can control our actions and what we decide to do, but we can’t control what others do. If we focus on the pleasure of the promotion, we no longer have control of our lives or our happiness. If we focus instead on the satisfaction that comes from doing a good job, learning something new, and being part of a great team, we can feel autonomy and happiness. The good news is that most of the research shows that excitement over a promotion lasts only about 90 days. Feeling good about ourselves for doing hard work, a good job, and being engaged in something challenging lasts as long as we make that a part of our lives. So we are better off finding happiness in the daily activities and challenges that prepare us for the promotion (all things we can control) than being unhappy and counting on the promotion, something we can’t control, to make us happy.
Another great example of what we can and can’t control is other people, especially those who are close to us. People close to us can have so much impact on our lives that we want to make sure it is positive and happy for them and for us. We want them to know what to do and how to do it so they understand how they can make us happy. They even tell us they want to make us happy. We can communicate and share all that information, and for the most part, they will likely do their best to live according to a plan that will make us and them happier. But inevitably there are areas of conflict where our ideal world and theirs don’t match. In those times we discover that we can’t control their choices and actions; we can only hope to influence them. They are going to make their own decisions, which may or may not leave us happy and contented.
Have you ever worn a lucky shirt (or other clothing or token), hoping to help your favorite team win a tough game? We desperately want to believe that we can influence the outcome of events that we have an emotional stake in.
When we don’t have control, we feel a sense of helplessness.
I was having lunch with a friend and he mentioned the impact traffic and someone cutting him off can have on his life. He could choose to be offended, get really angry, and let it ruin his day; or he could choose to believe that the other person had something really important happening and needed to get ahead. My friend admitted often giving instructions to other drivers under such circumstances--“USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL!” or “GET OFF MY TAIL!” (or worse...). He wondered, “Why do we feel the need to teach other drivers how to drive?” Could it be that we are altruistically thinking of the other driver and we want to help them be safer and more knowledgeable? Or are we concerned for the other people on the road and we want them to be safe? Or is it more likely that we are attempting to control something we have no control over?
If We Can’t Control It, Why Try?
The fact that you can’t control whether you get a promotion does not mean you won’t get the promotion. If you work hard, learn, and become a good team player, the odds are in your favor that you'll get the promotion. The important message, however, is that if you derive your happiness from the daily work, challenges, and activities, then the promotion will be the icing on the cake rather than the sole reward. Plus, being happier on a daily basis will lead to more promotions, raises, and other positive life opportunities. In a meta-analysis of more than 100 research studies, Laura King, Ed Diener, and Sonja Lyubomirsky concluded that “happy individuals are more likely than their less happy peers to have fulfilling marriages and relationships, high incomes, superior work performance, community involvement, robust health, and a long life.”
In the success and leadership classes we have taught, we make comparisons to Johnny Appleseed, the American legend who planted apple tree seeds all over the north and southeastern United States. Every day that you invest your time, share an idea, help someone get their job done, or find ways to help someone be happier and more successful, you are planting seeds. Not all of the seeds will sprout and blossom, but many will grow into appreciation, opportunities, and even promotions. Put simply, a lot of seeds and a little patience will lead to good things. Don't forget, though: take happiness from planting the seeds. What they grow into is an added bonus.
Time
“If you ever want to be in a position to choose happiness and take control of your life, then you will need to put yourself in a position where you are choosing what you do with your time.” HowtoHappiness
It will help you take control of your life if you become accountable for your time. We each have 24 hours in the day. What do you choose to do with your 24 hours?
“Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Does't thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.” Ben Franklin
You have 1,440 minutes every day. You get the same amount of minutes as everyone else, and you get to choose how to use those minutes. Most of us are busy and have a number of obligations. We have to go to work, get the kids to school, buy the groceries, prepare something to eat, do the laundry and the dishes, or help out with other obligations to our friends or families. (Remember that doing these things, no matter how necessary or unavoidable they seem, is a choice). Since you have chosen to do these things, how many of your 1,440 minutes do they take up? Ten hours at work plus an hour of obligations before work and an hour after work is 720 minutes. What do you do with the other 720 minutes? If you need 8 hours or 480 minutes for sleep, you have 240 remaining minutes. Can you find 5 minutes before you go to sleep or 5 minutes when you wake up? What activity can you borrow minutes from? Can you take control of some of your time at lunch? During what activities could you do more than one thing? For examp
le, during your commute, could you work on a plan for better health, walk part of the way, or listen to a book that is interesting or fun? My commute is 45 minutes to one hour long, and I spend much of that time listening to books about happiness and success. Alternatively, I sometimes sit in silence and work through challenges, or simply try to relax.
Start by choosing what to do with one to five minutes of your day. Focus on something you want to take control of--diet, health, exercise, spirituality, career, family--whatever you feel will help you take control of your life. If possible, carve out the same time every day so you can create a habit. If you're working on your diet, take five minutes every evening to write down what you have eaten, or five minutes every morning to plan what you will eat. If you're working on exercising more, take a quick five-minute walk, or do some push-ups or sit-ups. Take the five minutes to write down what you are thankful for or to remember what went well that day. A great way to choose to spend your found five minutes is to decide how you're going to carve out another five minutes (or even an hour) and what you're going to do during that time to take control of your life. I have three kids, work with several charity organizations, and have a demanding full-time job. In an effort to write this book without giving up any of those responsibilites, I've risen at 5 am every day exclusively to write for one hour. I have to go to bed a little earlier so I get enough sleep, but I get to start out every morning with passion and energy doing something I love.
Activity – Finding the Time:
1.Keep a notepad, journal, calendar, or notes on your smartphone or tablet.
2.Write down, in 15-minute increments, everything you do for a day.
3.Review your list. Where can you steal or add time?
Activity – Assigning the Time:
1.Make a list of slots of time you currently control – you probably have to go into work at a certain time every day. That time is already scheduled and focused. But what about your lunch break. What about your commute time? Could you expand the time between leaving work and arriving home, and insert a workout several days per week? What do you do as soon as you get home? Could you get up 30 minutes earlier each day to do something that makes you feel good?