by Ray White
Failure and Prioritization
“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill
Most of the people who ask me about success are really asking how not to fail. They want to know how they can do it all. One of the most common fears of failure is letting other people down. It is very common not to want to let anyone down. Unfortunately, that is an impossible task. Expectations come from friends, family, romantic relationships, peers, and bosses.
Of course these people want and expect the best from you, so the expectations are almost always overwhelmingly high. Also, they don’t coordinate with each other. Your boss doesn’t call your friend and change the due date of the project because you are going to the game that weekend. So the number of expectations is always growing. Just as time marches on, expectations eventually mount up to a level where it would be impossible to meet them all. Eventually expectations are missed, and we start feeling like failures trying to balance, explain, and excuse why we didn’t fulfill those expectations. If, however, we have our own definition of success and action plan to meet our goals, and we can live daily according to that plan, then we can re-categorize those failures to meet expectations as choices to do what best meets our criteria for success.
We can start resetting expectations with all of our stakeholders and communicate with them about what will and what will not be accomplished. Most, but not all, will appreciate your clarity of direction. More importantly, you will feel good about your choices and your accomplishments, and you can enjoy your successes rather than worrying about your failures.
In Chapter One, we talked about Tina. Tina was poised and confident, the kind of person that her peers wanted to emulate and every manager wanted to hire. She showed great leadership and had tremendous success in her early career. Now five years, two promotions, and one baby later, she was sitting in a restaurant, tears streaming down her face from the stress of trying desperately to be successful in so many areas of her life, while wondering what happened to the promise of happiness.
Tina is a great example of how we get caught up trying to meet everyone’s expectations, rather than prioritizing our goals and supporting actions. We are trying not to fail, rather than focusing on success. We have a list of goals and actions to accomplish those goals. If we prioritize those actions, we will meet many people’s expectations; but more importantly, we will be living our definition of success. We will be taking steps to fulfill our Higher Purpose. Unfortunately, that process also inevitably includes not meeting some people’s expectations. It includes experiencing failure in meeting those particular expectations.
Success Includes Failure
To successfully live the life we choose, we will have to prioritize our actions, and not meet the expectations of some people we love and respect. It is important to understand that it is impossible to meet all the expectations of everyone in our lives. We can try and struggle; but eventually we become overwhelmed, and it all comes crashing down. We have to choose to take actions that lead to our success and happiness, rather than choosing actions that prevent us from failing.
When we are presented with expectations that don’t fit into our action plan, we can politely reset those expectations. We can let people know that what they expect is important, but it is not something we can commit to because it doesn’t fit into our action plan for success. This is extremely difficult and one of the biggest challenges you will face. But it is critical to your ability to be successful and happy on a daily basis.
Many of the expectations sneak up on us. If your long-term goal is to be healthy, but your boss needs you to start a new project, do you skip your workout to get it done? The answer may be yes once, but how many other times will you say yes? Can you skip your workout for a week, for a month, for six months? We tend to believe that this is a one-time thing, and it won’t happen again. But those expectations don’t get smaller and fewer. They grow.
Even worse, by skipping your workout, you reduce your energy levels and your productivity, which affects your ability to complete the project. You can instead set expectations with your boss that exercise is an important part of your success and you will complete the project first thing the next morning when you will have more energy and can be more focused. You could also communicate that you will skip your workout this time, but you would prefer to fit workouts in as well as work projects. Ninety percent of the time, your boss will understand. They will have similar goals, or at least respect your sticking to your goals. Sometimes, however, they won’t. You will have to decide whether it is worth sacrificing your long-term health for a boss that is not going to support your long-term success. Are you going to sacrifice success because you are avoiding failure? Hard work and long hours are part of career success. But they will be more productive and you will be more successful if you fit them into a well-rounded action plan that supports your happiness and success. If you feel like you are making the choices, you will be happier and more successful than if you are forced by expectations to do things that don’t fit into your action plan.
Marriage and family are other examples. If your long term goal is a strong relationship with your kids or romantic partner, should you take on those extra projects or volunteer opportunities? Letting them pass you by feels like failure. Do they fit into your goals and action plan? Can you commit to them and still meet your goals related to your relationships? Can you still do what you need to do every day to be successful in your relationships? Success and happiness require that on a daily basis we choose actions consistent with our goals and action plans, and that we say no to opportunities and expectations that will interfere with our long-term success. We have to let go of the belief that everything is important and that we can always fit one more thing into our lives. These are difficult and emotionally charged decisions. They will require that we continuously find anchors in our Higher Purpose, definition of success, goals, and action plans. We have to believe that prioritizing our actions daily will lead to success and happiness. It is critical that we stop using our energy to avoid failure and start directing it toward daily success.
Don’t run away from failure; run toward success. Prioritize the actions in your life so they represent success on a daily basis. Prioritize and stick to an action plan that leads you toward your milestones for success.
Go back and re-read your goals and action plan. In the next chapter, we will talk about how to implement them with discipline.
Chapter 22
Implement with Discipline
“A man or woman becomes fully human only by his or her choices and his or her commitment to them. People attain worth and dignity by the multitude of decisions they make from day to day.” Rollo May
Happiness is not found at the end of the rainbow. It is found in each moment of each day and in how those moments connect us to our future. The key to connecting happiness and success is to be disciplined in implementing actions daily that will make you happy and successful. Happiness and success are not a destination; happiness and success are a way of living daily. Only daily action directed toward your Higher Purpose and definition of success will provide you with contentment, fulfillment, and satisfaction.
Happiness and success are a choice. We can choose to be the victim of our circumstances, or we can choose to make our lives different. Though it may be hard to admit, our past is a result of the choices we have made daily up to this point in our lives. We can continue with the old patterns, or we can make new choices. We can accept all the excuses we have for not doing something, or we can take action and change our lives one day at a time.
By this point in the book, we have discussed a Higher Purpose and a definition of success, which both provide something to strive for. You have goals or milestones to help you measure your progress along the way and actions to move you towards those milestones. Now let’s discuss how to implement those actions with discipline every day and how to overcome many of the obstacles
that interfere with success.
Getting Started
We will start with small changes rather than big changes. Small wins lead to other small wins. A lot of small wins together create change that leads to big wins. Small wins don’t all add up in a neat path to success. They are like planting a lot of seeds. A few seeds start to grow, so you nurture those seeds and learn how to help other seeds grow. Eventually the seeds you planted turn into an orchard that consistently and predictably bears fruit.
Baby Steps
The first step is to create a keystone habit—something you can do in only 15 minutes each day. It is important to note that we are only going to work on one thing each month. Let’s make one small change and then build from there. This applies to any habit you want to create. Start with baby steps and grow from there. If you are running into difficulty accomplishing a goal, find the smallest increment of accomplishment possible, and begin there. If you can’t run two miles, start by walking to the neighbor’s house and back. Do that over and over again to build up your confidence in your ability to succeed. Prove to yourself that you do have the self-discipline to accomplish a goal on a regular basis, and then extend the goal. Walk to the second neighbor’s house. Increase the distance whenever you feel confident but still a little anxious. Push yourself past your comfort zone, but not so far that you want to give up altogether.
Make Time Every Day
Set aside the first 15 minutes every morning. You may have to get up 15 minutes earlier or postpone one of your morning rituals. We want to start every morning on the right track and use the first 15 minutes to prepare for a successful day.
Research by Tom Corley showed that successful people were four times more likely to put their goals in writing and 80 times more likely to review their daily lists than were unsuccessful people. So you are going to put your Higher Purpose, definition of success, and three to five milestones in writing and review them on a daily basis.
On an index card or piece of paper, write your Higher Purpose and definition of success on one side and your three to five goals or milestones on the other side. These are your own personalized Life Instructions for happiness and success. Keep them in a place where you can quickly pick them up and where you can’t help but see them, even if you’re not looking. That could be on your nightstand, with your socks or other clothes, in the corner of your mirror, in the kitchen with the dishes or silverware, or on the desk where you keep your computer. It is even a good idea to make more than one copy and put them in multiple places. If you travel a lot, you may want to make an extra copy for your luggage and backpack.
At the same time every morning, pick up your Life Instructions and read the Higher Purpose and definition of success. After a few weeks you will have them memorized. Even so, continue to read them and repeat them to yourself every day. We want them not just to become something you can remember when asked; we want them to become part of your subconscious—something your brain is aware of, even when you are not. Then turn your Life Instructions over and review your three to five goals or milestones. Pick one milestone and spend the next 12 minutes taking action to move it forward. If your milestone is related to health and exercise, then put on your workout clothes. If it is related to healthy eating, then plan your meals for the day. If it is related to your career, then plan what you will accomplish today on a special project. If it is about relationships, then write a note to someone special or plan what time today you will call and talk to them. No matter what it is, find some action that will move you closer to reaching at least one of your milestones.
That’s it. Now you can go back to your normal routine for the rest of the day. Spend just 15 minutes, first thing in the morning for the 30 days. It is important to focus on the 15 minutes and make sure you build that into a habit. If you start out trying to commit to one or two hours, you will run into too many obstacles and possibly become overwhelmed by what you have to accomplish.
Stick to 15 minutes until not investing that 15 minutes makes you feel like you have missed something in your day. We are recommending 15 minutes for 30 days so it will become a habit. For many people, that may take less than 30 days; and for others it could take more. The key to forming the habit is to focus for 15 minutes at the same time every day and not miss any days until you feel uncomfortable if you don’t do it.
Month 2 through 12
Once you have established a habit of spending at least 15 minutes every day focused on your happiness and success, you can add in another habit. This book has covered a lot of different opportunities to help you be happy and successful. It is important that you not try to implement them all at once. Willpower is a limited resource, and you will want to focus it on creating one habit at a time. Once one habit is created and becomes automatic, you can focus your willpower on the next habit.
The first habit is every morning spending 15 minutes with your Life Instructions and moving one milestone forward. In Month 2, you can extend the 15 minutes to one hour. Start the first 15 minutes reviewing your Life Instructions and then spend the next 45 minutes extending the work on one or several of your milestones.
For example, we discussed using the first 15 minutes to get your workout clothes on if you were focused on a milestone related to exercise or health. Now you can spend the next 45 minutes actually working out. If your milestone was related to health and diet, we talked about using the first 15 minutes to plan your meals for the day. In Month 2 you can spend the next 45 minutes actually preparing the meals. In many cases you may have already done some of this. Month 2 will be focused on creating the habit of spending the full hour on your happiness and success activities. You are creating the habit of a consistent exercise schedule, daily food preparation, or whatever will help you reach your milestones.
Continue to add new habits in Months 3 through 12, so at the end of a year you have made significant progress toward changing your life. Most new habits will only require five to ten minutes of additional time each day. So you don’t have to worry about needing to add another hour into the day for each new habit. For example, in Month 3, you could focus on starting each day by thinking about three things you are grateful for, which should take less than a minute. In Month 4 you could end every day by thinking about three things that went great that day, another habit that would take less than a minute. See below for a list of what you might choose to accomplish in a year.
Month
Habit
1
15 minutes every morning with your Life Instructions
2
45 additional minutes moving one milestone activity forward
3
1 minute each morning reviewing what you are grateful for
4
1 minute each evening reviewing three positive things that happened that day
5
At 3 pm each day, spend 15 minutes moving your second milestone forward
6
Get to work 30 minutes early each day and spend that time planning and moving forward a milestone related to your career
7
At 1 pm each day, as you are finishing your lunch, call someone you love
8
At lunch each day, think about, plan, or talk about your next vacation.
9
At the end of each day, send an email to a friend or mentor telling them what action you took to reach your milestones
10
Do one random act of kindness each day
11
Write your dreams or other thoughts in a journal each day
12
Slow down and savor each meal. Take small bites and spend time appreciating the tastes, smells, and textures of your food
As you are looking at this today for the first time, it looks like a list. It seems like at the end of the year you have a long list of things to do. But that is not the case. We are building these into habits. If you practice them every day at the same time, eventually they will happen without your even thinking abou
t them.
On another note, don’t worry if all 12 of the activities don’t become habits. Six or eight habits that help you get closer to daily happiness and success will significantly impact your outlook on life in a very positive way.
This is just a sample list. You should make your own list. Every section of the book includes a list of activities you can choose from. Pick a concept you really want to focus on and do three or four activities from that section; or, most importantly, decide what activities you can do daily that will help you reach your milestones. Find anywhere from a few minutes to an hour each day to work on those activities.
As you begin to implement this process, you will run into a variety of obstacles. They might include:
1.Trouble getting started each day
2.Committing to a time or place
3.Missing days
4.Starting over after missing a week or more
5.Not having the discipline or willpower to follow through
In the rest of this chapter we will talk about how to overcome those obstacles so you can implement them with discipline on a daily basis.
Overcoming Obstacles
“The true test of a champion is not whether he can triumph, but whether he can overcome obstacles.” Garth Stein
Obstacle: Getting Started Each Day
Solution: Activation Energy and the 20 Second Rule
In Shawn Achor’s book, The Happiness Advantage, he talks about Activation Energy and the 20 Second Rule. Activation energy is the energy it takes to start something. The concept is that it takes more energy to get started then it does to keep moving. If you are studying for a test, it takes more energy to get your books out, get to the right chapter, determine what you are supposed to learn, and then sit down and actually start doing the work.