by Monty Python
First Young Man: Well they come up to you, like, and push you - shove you off the pavement, like. There's usually four or five of them.
Second Young Man: Yeah, this used to be a nice neighbourhood before the old ladies started moving in. Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops. '
Third Young Man: Well Mr Johnson's son Kevin, he don't go out any more. He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room.
(Film of grannies harassing an attractive girl.)
Voice Over: What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?
First Granny: (voice over) Well it's something to do isn't it?
Second Granny: (voice over) It's good fun.
Third Granny: (voice over) It's like you know, well, innit, eh?
Voice Over: Favourite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.
(Film of grannies carrying off a telephone kiosk; then painting slogans on a wall.)
Policeman: (coming up to them) Well come on, come on, off with you. Clear out, come on get out of it. (they clear off, he turns to camera) We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst - they go mad. As soon as they get their hands on their money they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
(Cut to cinema.)
Cinema Manager: Yes, well of course they come here for the two o'clock matinee, all the old bags out in there, especially if it's something like 'The Sound of Music'. We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken, all that sort of thing.
(A policeman hustles two grannies out of the cinema. Cut to reporter walking along street.)
Reporter: The whole problem of these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up and become accountants, stockbrokers and even sociologists, and they begin to wonder if it is all really...(disappears downwards rapidly) arggh!
( Shot of two grannies replacing manhole cover. Cut to young couple.)
Fourth Young Man: Oh well we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way for what our gran's become. I mean she used to be happy here until she, she started on the crochet.
Reporter: (off-screen) Crochet?
Fourth Young Man: Yeah. Now she can't do without it. Twenty balls of wool a day, sometimes. If she can't get the wool she gets violent. What can we do about it?
(Film of grannies on motorbikes roaring down streets and through a shop. One has 'Hell's Grannies' on her jacket.)
Voice Over: But this is not just an old ladies' town. There are other equally dangerous gangs - such as the baby snatchers.
(Film of five men in baby outfits carrying off a young man from outside a shop. Cut to distraught wife.)
Wife: I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. He was only forty-seven.
Voice Over: And on the road too, vicious gangs of keep left signs.
(Film: two keep-left signs attack a vicar.)
Colonel: (coming up and stopping them) Right, fight, stop it. This film's got silly. Started off with a nice little idea about grannies attacking young men, but now it's got silly. This man's hair is too long for a vicar too. These signs are pretty badly made. Right, now for a complete change of mood.
(Cut to man in dirty raincoat.)
Man In Dirty Raincoat: I've heard of unisex but I've never had it.
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Llamas
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9
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The cast:
SPANISH GUITARIST
Eric Idle
SPANISH DANCER
Terry Jones
SPANISH LADY
Graham Chapman
MAN
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(On screen we see a caption: 'THE LLAMA')
(A Spanish guitarist and a dancer in traditional Spanish costume, followed by a caption on the screen : 'LIVE FROM GOLDERS GREEN'. Man enters and walks up to a life-size photo of a llama. He delivers the following lecture in Spanish, with help from the guitarist and dancer, and superimposed subtitles.')
Man: (but in Spanish with subtitles in English) The llama is a quadruped which lives in big rivers like the Amazon. It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey. But it is provided with fins for swimming.
Guitarist & Dancer: Llamas are larger than frogs.
Man: Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shout:
Guitarist & Dancer: Look out, there are llamas!
(A Spanish Lady dressed in a Spanish frock, enters on a moped she blows up a paper bag and bursts it. They bow. Cut to exterior Ada's Snack Bar (a small cafe). Hand-held camera moves round the back to where an announcer is seated at desk with an old-fashioned BBC microphone.)
Announcer: And now for something completely different - a man with a tape recorder up his nose.
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A Man With a Tape Recorder Up His Nose
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
* * *
The sketch:
Announcer: And now for something completely different - a man with a tape recorder up his nose
We see Michael in a dinner suit on a small stage, with potted plants, etc. He ostentatiously inserts a finger up one nostril. We hear the Marseillaise. He removes his finger and the music stops. He puts his finger up the other nostril, and we hear rewinding noises. Once again he puts his finger up the first nostril and we hear the Marseillaise again. He bows. Shot of film of an old fashioned audience of women clapping.
Announcer: And now a film about a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.
Cut to Michael on the same stage, this time with Graham Chapman. Michael puts his finger up Graham's nostril and we hear the Marseillaise. He removes his finger and puts it up Graham's other nostril. We hear the sound of a tape rewinding.
Announcer: And now in stereo
Michael simultaneously puts a finger up hi own nostril and a finger on the other hand, up Graham's nostril. We now here two recordings of the Marseillaise together, but slightly out of sync.
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Kilimanjaro Expedition (Double Vision)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
* * *
The cast:
SIR GEORGE HEAD
John Cleese
BOB
Eric Idle
JIMMY
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene: Large study with maps and photographs on the wall and a large desk at which sits Sir George Head.)
Sir: Next please.
(Bob walks into the room and up to the desk.)
Sir: (looking up) One at a time please.
Bob: There is only me, sir.
Sir: (putting a hand over one eye) So there is. Take a . . .
Bob: Seat?
Sir: Seat! Take a seat. So! (looking over to Bob's right) You want to join my mountaineering expedition do you? (keeps looking off to right)
Bob: (rather uncertain) Me, sir?
Sir: Yes.
Bob: Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Sir: Jolly good, jolly good. (he ticks the sheet and then looks straight at Bob) And how about you?
Bob: There is only me, sir.
Sir: (putting hand over eye and looking both at Bob a
nd to Bob's right) Well bang goes his application then. (he tears up form) Now let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Bob: I thought there was only one peak, sir.
Sir: (getting up, putting one hand over one eye again and going to large map of Africa on wall and peering at it at point-blank range) Well, that'll save a bit of time. Well done. Now the object of this expedition is to see if we can find any traces of last year's expedition.
Bob: Last year's expedition?
Sir: Yes, my brother was leading that, they were going to build a bridge between the two peaks, (looks at map with one hand over eye) My idea I'm afraid. Now, I ought to tell you that I have practically everyone I need for this expedition ... so what special qualifications do you have?
Bob: Well, sir...
Sir: Yes, you first.
Bob: There is only me, sir.
Sir: (to Bob's right) I wasn't talking to you. (to Bob) Carry on.
Bob: Well I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.
Sir: Mountaineer? Mountaineer (looks it up in the dictionary) where the devil are they, mound, mount... mountain... a mountaineer: 'two men skilled in climbing mountains'. Jolly good, well you're in. Congratulations, both of you. Well, er, what are your names?
Bob: Arthur Wilson.
Sir: Arthur Wilson, right well look, I'll call you (to Bob) Arthur Wilson one, and you (to Bob's right) Arthur Wilson two, just to avoid confusion.
Bob: Are you actually leading this expedition sir?
Sir: Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.
Bob: And what routes will you both be taking?
Sir: Good questions... shall I? Well we'll be leaving on January 22nd and taking the following routes. (goes over to large map, clearly labelled Surrey) The A23s through Purleys down on the main roads near Purbrights avoiding Leatherheads and then taking thc A231s entering Rottingdeans from the North. From Rottingdeans we go through Africa to Nairobis. We take the South road out of Nairobis for about twelve miles and then ask.
Bob: Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?
Sir: Oh, yes I think most of them do down there.
Bob: Does anyone in our party speak Swahili sir?
Sir: Oh, well Matron's got a smattering.
Bob: Apart from the two Matrons ...
Sir: Good God, I'd forgotten about her.
Bob: Apart from them, who else is coming on the expedition, sir?
Sir: Well we've got the Arthur Brown twins, two botanists called Machin, the William Johnston brothers ...
Bob: Two of them?
Sir: No four of them, a pair of identical twins ... and a couple of the Ken Spinoza quads - the other two pulled out. And of course you two.
Bob: And none of these are mountaineers?
Sir: Well you two are, and we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blenkinsop... because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very, very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. (opens door) Jimmy? (Jimmy walks in wearing full climbing gear) I don't believe you've met. Jimmy Blenkinsop - Arthur Wilson, Arthur Wilson -Jimmy Blenkinsop... Arthur Wilson two -James Blenkinsop one, James Blenkinsop one - Arthur Wilson two. Carry on Jimmies.
Jintmy: (to Bob, reassuring him) Don't worry about the er ... (puts hand over eye) We'll get him up somehow. (Jimmy proceeds to walk round the room clambering over every single piece of available furniture. He doesn't stop talking. Causing a complete wreckage, he clambers over the desk, onto a bookcase and round the room knocking furniture over, meanwhile he is saying..) Now the approach to Kilimanjaro is quite simply over the foothills, and then we go on after that to ... ohh... to set a base camp, somewhere in the region of the bottom of the glacier when...(Jimmy staggers out healong through the door. There are loud crashing noises)
Sir: He'll be leading the first assault.
Bob: Well I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition sir, as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.
(Bob gets up and walks out slamming the door.)
Sir: Oh dear. (pause - look over at other? Bob) Well how about you?
Bob: (sitting in chair at other angle of desk) Well I'm game, sir.
(Cut back to two sirs, double image, split screen.)
Sir: So are we.
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Homicidal Barber
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
* * *
The cast:
BARBER
Michael Palin
CUSTOMER
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(An animated sequence that leads us to a suburban hairdressing salon. A customer comes in. The barber is standing in a white coat washing his hands at a basin.)
Customer: Morning.
Barber: (flinching slightly) Ah ... good morning sir, good morning. I'll be with you in a minute.
(Customer sits in barber's chair. Barber carries on washing. He seems to be over-thoroughly washing and re-washing his hands and lower arms. Barber turns and smiles humourlessly, at customer. At last he has finished washing. He dries his hands thoroughly, turns and coma over to the customer. There are very obvious blood stains on his coat and his lapel is torn off One stain could be the mark of a bloodstained hand which has slipped down the length of it. He picks up a sheet and shakes it out. Sound of iron and heavy objects falling on the floor. He throws it around the customer. As he knots the sheet at the back he and is about to pull it tight and strangle the customer. His face sweats, a wild look in his eyes. Then with a supreme effort he controls himself. Customer smiles reassuringly at him.)
Barber: How... how would you like it, sir?
Customer: Just short back and sides please.
Barber: How do you do that?
Customer: Well it's just... ordinary short back and sides...
Barber: It's not a ... razor cut? (suddenly) Razor, razor, cut, cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder... (controlling himself) Oh thank God, thank God. (sigh of relief) It's just a scissors...
Customer: Yes... (laughs, thinking the barber must be having a little joke)
Barber: You wouldn't rather just have it combed, would you sir?
Customer: I beg your pardon?
Barber: You wouldn't rather forget all about it?
Customer: No, no, no, I want it cut.
(At the word Cut barber winces.)
Barber: Cut, cut, cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder, Hitchcock, Psycho... right sir ... well ... (swallows hard) I'll just get everything ready. In the meanwhile perhaps you could fill in one of these.
(He hands him a bit of paper; the barber goes to a cupboard and opens it.)
Customer: All right, fine, yes.
(On the inside of the door there is a large medical chart headed: 'Main Arteries'. His shaking hand traces the arteries and he looks occasionally back at the customer.)
Customer: Excuse me, er...
Barber: What?
Customer: Where it says: 'next of kin' shall I put 'mother'?
Barber: Yes, yes ... yes.
Customer: Right there we are. (hands form to barber)
Barber: Thank you.
(He gets scissors and comb ready and comes up behind the customer and spreads his arms out, opening and shutting scissors as barbers do before cutting.)
Barber: Right!
(He can't bring himself to start cutting; after one or two attempts he goes to the cupboard again, gets a whisky bottle out and takes a hard swig. He comes up behind the customer again.)
Barber: Ha, ha, ha ... there, I've finished.
Customer: What?
Barber: I've finished cutting... cutting... cutting your hair. It's all done,
>
Customer: You haven't started cutting it!
Barber: I have! I did it very quickly... your honour... sir.,. sir...
Customer: (getting rather testy) Look here old fellow, I know when a chap's cut my hair and when he hasn't. So will you please stop fooling around and get on with it.
(The barber bends down to the floor and drags out a tape recorder which he places behind the barber's chair, talking as he does so.)
Barber: Yes, yes, I will, I'm going to cut your hair, sir. I'm going to start cutting your hair, sir, start cutting now!
(He switches on tape recorder and then he himself cowers down against the wall as far from the chair as he can get, trembling.)
Tape Recorder: Nice day, sir,
Customer: Yes, flowers could do with a drop of rain though, eh?
Tape Recorder: (snip, snip) Did you see the match last night, sir?
Customer: Yes. Good game. I thought.
Tape Recorder: (snip, snip, snip; sound of electric razor starting up) I thought Hurst played well sir.
Customer: (straining to hear) I beg your pardon?
Tape Recorder: (razor stops) I thought Hurst played well.
Customer: Oh yes ... yes ... he was the only one who did though.
Tape Recorder: Call you put your head down a little, sir.
Customer: Sorry, sorry. (his head is bowed)
Tape Recorder: I prefer to watch Palace nowadays. (electric razor starts up again) Oh! Sorry! Was that your ear?
Customer: No no ... I didn't feel a thing.
(The customer rises out from his seat, taking the sheet off himself and looking in the mirror and delving into pocket. He turns round for the first time and sees the cowering barber)