by Monty Python
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The sketch:
(Caption on Screen : 'THE ROYAL PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA GOES TO THE BATHROOM'. Cut to bathroom door, outside. Man knocks on door.)
Man: Have you finished in there yet?
(From inside comes a burst of the Tchaikovsky piano concerto. He tuts. Cut to letter and voice over.)
First Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object strongly to the obvious lavatorial turn this show has already taken. Why do we never hear about the good things in Britain, like Mary Bignall's wonderful jump in 1964? Yours etc., Ken Voyeur.
(Stock film of Mary Bignall's winning jump at the Rome Olympics. Letter and voice over.)
Second Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object strongly to the obvious athletic turn this show has now taken. Why can't we hear more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.
(We see another letter and another voice over.)
Third Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object strongly to the letters on your programme. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh. Yours sincerely etc., William Knickers.
(Stock film of the whole of an orchestra finishing an orchestral item. When they finish playing we hear the sound of flushing.)
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Interruptions
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11
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The cast:
CANNING
Graham Chapman
FIRST UNDERTAKER
Eric Idle
SECOND UNDERTAKER
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(ANIMATION: a beautiful and not zany introduction, perhaps with photos of famous historical characters, finishing with the words: 'The World of History '. Cut to man at desk. Caption on screen: 'PROFESSOR R. J. CANNING')
Canning: 1348. The Black Death, typhus, cholera, consumption, bubonic plague.
(Cut to five undertakers sitting on a coffin in a country road.)
First Undertaker: Ah, those were the days...
(Back to Canning at his desk.)
Canning: Now I'm... I'm... Now I'm not prepared to go on with this, unless these interruptions cease. All fight? Right. The devastating effect of these, em...
(Cut to film of hearses racing. Crashing out of shot. Sign: 'Accident Black Spot', and the undertakers picnicking.)
Canning: (he is packing up his papers and putting on his mac as he walks away from desk, camera pans with him) No, don't follow me and ... (camera zooms in) And don't zoom in on me, no I'm off, I'm off. That's it. That's all. I'm off.
(He walks out of shot. Empty flame. A short pause. An undertaker comes into frame.)
Second Undertaker: (to camera) Are you nervy, irritable, depressed, tired of life. (winks) Keep it up.
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Agatha Christie Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11
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The cast:
INSPECTOR TIGER
John Cleese
COLONEL PICKERING
Graham Chapman
LADY VELLOPER
Carol Cleveland
CHIEF SUPERINTENDENT LOOKOUT
Eric Idle
ASSISTANT CHIEF CONSTABLE THERESAMANBEHINDYER
Terry Jones
CONSTABLE
Michael Palin
SECOND UNDERTAKER
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Sketch opens with a scene of a drawing room of large English country house. Sitting around are various standard Agatha Christie type characters, Colonel Pickering, Lady Amanda Velloper, Kirt, Anona Winn. They drink tea, read etc. Outside there is thunder. Inspector Tiger enters the room.)
Inspector Tiger: This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody ... no, I must ask everybody to... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I ... I ... ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Phew. Understand?
Colonel Picketing: You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Inspector Tiger: (clicking fingers to indicate Colond Pickering has hit the nail on the head) Now, alduce me to introlow myslef. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow myslef. Introme -to-lose mlow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. (bangs himself on the side of the head) Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
All: Tiger?
Inspector Tiger: (jumping) Where? Where? What? Ah. Me Tiger. You Jane. Grrr. Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce myself I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Lady Velloper: Why not?
Inspector Tiger: Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no one has left it. Therefore ... the murderer must be somebody in this room.
Colonel Pickering: What body?
Inspector Tiger: Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the room body. Take the tablets Tiger. Anybody (as he searches for the tablets) with a body but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the ... (he takes the tablet) Albody me introbody albodyduce.
(At this moment a surgeon enters with two nurses and starts to operate on his head with sawing noises. Caption on the screen: 'THE SAME DRAWING ROOM. ONE LOBOTOMY LATER'. The surgeon is packing up. Inspector Tiger's head is bandaged.)
Surgeon: Now for Sir Gerald.
Inspector: That's better, now I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room. (he gives thumbs up to the surgeon who is at door) Now someone has committed a murder here, and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is ... who?
Colonel Pickering: Look, there hasn't been a murder.
Inspector Tiger: No murder.
All: No.
Inspector Tiger: Oh. I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait. (he sin on sofa) No, too simple, too clear cut.
(The lights go out. There is a scream followed by a shot. The light goes up. Inspector Tiger is dead. He has a bullet hole in his forehead, an arrow through his neck and there is a bottle marked poison on his lap.)
Colonel Picketing: By jove, he was right.
(Chief Superintendent Lookout enters, with constable.)
Lookout: This house is surrounded. I must ask that no one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper: Look out?
Lookout: (jumping) What, where, oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper: Why, what would we see?
Lookout: I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper: What would we see if we look out of the yard?
Lookout: . .. I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Ah ha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one. Ha, ha, ha, (he starts really laughing) Lookout of the Yard. Very good. Right. Now, we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights. (lights go out, we hear Lookout's voice) Good. Now then, there was a scream (scream) then just before the lights went up there was a shot.
(There is a shot. The lights go up and Chief Superintendent Lookout is sitting dead, bullet hole, arrow and all. In walks Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.)
Theresamanbehindyer: All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the ro
om and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
All: Theresamanbehindyer?
Theresamanbehindyer: Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right let's reconstruct the crime. Constable you be Inspector Tiger.
Constable: Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall - somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall, take the tablets Tigerbody. Alself me to my duce introlow left body in the roomself.
Theresamanbehindyer: Very good. Just sit down there. Right now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream. (constable screams) Somebody shoots you (pulls gun and shoots constable through head) and the door opens...
(The door flies open. Enter policeman.)
Fire: Nobody move! I'm Chief Constable Fire.
All: Fire! Where?
(He jumps. Immediately cut to undertaker as before.)
Second Undertaker: We're interrupting this sketch but we'll be bringing you back the moment' anything interesting happens. Meanwhile here are some friends of mine.
(Film of four undertakers carrying a coffin. They surreptitiously tip the body out of the coffin and go skipping lightly up the road. Letter and voice over.)
Voice Over: Dear Sir, I'm sorry this letter is late, it should have come at the beginning of the programme. Yours, Ivor Bigbottle, (age two).
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Literary Football Discussion /
Undertakers Film
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
Eric Idle
JIMMY BUZZARD
John Cleese
SECOND UNDERTAKER
Terry Jones
CONSTABLE
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Two chairs in interview set. Smart interviewer and footballer (who is not over bright) in blazer.)
Interviewer:From the plastic arts we turn to football. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow, we wimessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Jarrow United came of age, in a European sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Vimally annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanffino. Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kantian positivism and outstanding in this fine Jarrow team was my man of the match, the arch-thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield coguoscento, Jimmy Buzzard.
Buzzard: Good evening Brian.
Interviewer: Jimmy, at least one aging football commentator was gladdened last night by the sight of an English footballer breaking free of the limpid tentacles of packed Mediterranean defence.
Buzzard: Good evening Brian.
Interviewer: Were you surprised at the way the Italian ceded midfield dominance so early on in the game?
Buzzard: Well Brian... I'm opening a boutique.
Interviewer: This is of course symptomatic of a new breed of footballer as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of player, is it not?
Buzzard: Good evening Brian.
Interviewer: What I'm getting at, Jimmy, is you seem to have discovered a new concept with a mode in which you dissected the Italian defence, last night.
Buzzard: (pauses for thought) I hit the ball first time and there it was in the back of the net. (smiles and looks round)
Interviewer: Do you think Jarrow will adopt a more defensive posture for the first leg of the next tie in Turkey?
Buzzard: (confidently) I hit the ball first time and there it was in the back of the net.
Interviewer: Yes, yes - but have you any plans for dealing with the free-scoring Turkish forwards?
Buzzard: Well Bfian... I'm opening a boutique.
(Cut to undertaker.)
Second Undertaker: And now let's take a look at the state of play in the detective sketch.
(Cut to drawing room. There is an enormous pile of dead policemen from the Agatha Christie Sketch on and around the sofa.)
Constable: Alself me to introlow mybody...
(Inspector shoots him in the head. Caption on Screen: 'CONSTABLES 13 SUPERINTENDENTS 9')
(Cut to four undertakers carrying a coffin up a hill. One of them falters and drops. The others lower the coffin to the ground, take out a fresh undertaker, put the fallen one in the coffin, and proceed.)
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Interesting People
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
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The cast:
COMPÈRE
Michael Palin
BAYAN
Terry Jones
WALTERS
Eric Idle
DOVE
John Cleese
MANIAC
Terry Jones
BUZZARD
John Cleese
The sketch:
Compère: Hello, good evening, and welcome to yet another edition of 'Interesting People'. And my first interesting person tonight is the highly interesting Mr Howard Stools from Kendal in Westmorland.
(He puts a matchbox on desk in front of him. He presses a button on the desk and we hear applause. Releases button; applause stops abruptly. He opens the box a little and speaks into it.)
Compère: Good evening Mr Stools.
Voice: (from inside box) Hello, David.
Compère: Mr Stools, what makes you particularly interesting?
Voice: Well, I'm only half an inch long.
Compère: Well that's extremely interesting, thank you for coming along on the show tonight Mr Stools.
Mr Stools: I thought you'd think that was interesting David, in fact...
Compère: (shuts matchbox; applause) Mr Alan Stools from Kendal in Westmorland .. · half an inch long. (applause) Our next guest tonight has come all the way from Egypt, he's just flown into London today, he's Mr All Bayan, he's with us in the studio tonight and he's stark raving mad.
(Applause. Cut to Ali Bayan who looks at camera in a very mad way. Applause.)
Compère: Mr All Bayan, stark raving mad. Now it's time for our music spot and we turn the spotlight tonight on the Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir, (applause) with their fantastic arrangement of 'Men of Harlech' for bicycle bells only.
(Cut to six men in oilskins and sou 'westers. They sing 'Hen of Harlech ', and at the end of each line mournfully ring bells. Applause at end.)
Compère: The Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir. Really interesting. Remember, if you're interesting and want to appear on this programme, write your name and address and your telephone number and send it to this address: (reads caption) The BBC, c/o E. F. Lutt, x8 Rupee Buildings, West 12. (applause) Thank you, thank you. Now here's an interesting person. Apart from being a full-time stapling machine, he can also give a cat influenza.
(Cut to a smart dressed man who coughs capious into a cat basket. We hear a meow and a feline sneeze. Cut back to Compère.)
Compère: Well, you can't get much more interesting than that, or can you? With me now is Mr Thomas Walters of West Hartlepool who is totally invisible. Good evening, Mr Walters. (turns to empty chair)
Walters: (off-screen) Over here, Hughie.
Compère turns to find a boringly dressed man sitting by him.
Compère: Mr Walters, are you sure you're invisible?
Walters: Oh yes, most certainly.
Compère: Well, Mr Walters, what's it like being invisible?
Walters: (slowly and boringly) Well, for a start, at the office where I work I can be sitting at my desk all day and the others totally ignore me. At hom
e, even though we are in the same room, my wife does not speak to me for hours, people pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction, and I can walk into a room without...
Compère: Well, whilst we've got interesting people, we met Mr Oliver Cavendish who...
Walters: (droning on) ... Even now you yourself, you do hardly notice me...
Compère: Mr Oliver Cavendish of Leicester, who claims to be able to recite the entire Bible in one second, whilst being struck on the head with a large axe. Ha, ha, wow. We've since discovered that he was a fraud, yes a fraud, he did not in fact recite the entire Bible he merely recited the first two words, 'In the...' before his death.
(Cut to film montage of sporting clips.)
Compère: (voice over) Now it's time for 'Interesting Sport', and this week it's all-in cricket, live from the Municipal Baths, Croydon.
(Boxing ring; two fully kitted out cricketers, who as the bell goes, approach each other and start hitting each other with cricket bats. Applause.)
Compère: With me now is Mr Ken Dove, twice voted the most interesting man in Dotking. Ken, I believe you're interested in shouting.
Dove: (shouting) Yes, I'm interested in shouting all right, by jove you certainly hit the nail on the head with that particular observation of yours then.
Compère: What does your wife think of this?
Wife: (voice off, full-blooded) I agree with him.
Dove: Shut up!
Walters: ... At parties for instance people never come up to me, I just sit there and everybody totally...
(Man holding cat enters.)