by Monty Python
Registrar: No, you can't do that.
Man: Look, all I want you to do is change the wife, say the words, blah, blab, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.
Registrar: I'm sorry sir, but we're not allowed to change.
Man: You can at Harrods.
Registrar: You can't.
Man: You can. I changed my record player and there wasn't a grumble.
Registrar: It's different.
Man: And I changed my pet snake, and I changed my Robin Day tie.
Registrar: Well, you can't change a bloody wife!
Man: Oh, all right! Well, can I borrow one for the weekend.
Registrar: No!
Man: Oh, blimey, I only wanted a jolly good...
(A whistle blows. A referee runs on, takes his book out and proceeds to take the name of the man in the registry office, amidst protests.)
Referee: All right, break it up. What's your number, then? All right. Name?
Man: Cook.
(Cut to the two in the next sketch waiting. Cut back to referee, who finishes booking the man and blows his whistle. The show continues... )
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Silly Doctor Sketch (immediately abandoned)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21
* * *
The cast:
DOCTOR
Michael Palin
WATSON
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to the two waiting. On the sound of a referee's whistle they start acting.)
Doctor: Next please. Name?
Watson: Er, Watson.
Doctor: (writing it down) Mr Watson.
Watson: Ah, no, Doctor.
Doctor: Ah, Mr Doctor.
Watson: No, not Mr, Doctor.
Doctor: Oh, Doctor, Doctor.
Watson: No, Doctor Watson.
Doctor: Oh, Doctor Watson Doctor.
Watson: Oh, just call me darling.
Doctor: Hello, Mr Darling.
Watson: No, Doctor.
Doctor: Hello Doctor Darling.
(Sound of whistle. Instant cut to caption on screen: 'THAT SKETCH HAS BEEN ABANDONED')
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Mr. and Mrs. Git
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21
* * *
The cast:
HOST
Graham Chapman
MR. GIT
Terry Jones
JOHN
Michael Palin
MRS. GIT
John Cleese
MRS. STOKES
Carol Cleveland
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
WATSON
Graham Chapman
NUN
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)
Host Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!
Mr Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry - I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.
John: Oh ... yes, yes.
Mr Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know - to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson's just as bad eh?
John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.
(Mrs Git approaches.)
Mr Git: Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr... what was it?
John: Stokes-John Stokes.
Mr Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.
John: Oh, er, how do you do.
Mrs Git: How do you do.
(Mrs Stokes appears.)
Mrs Stokes: Darling, there you are!
John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.
Mr Git: Oh, is this your wife?
John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.
Mrs Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?
John: The Gits.
Mr Git: Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?
John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this... this... this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.
Mr Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git.
Mrs Stokes: (understanding at last) OH Oh well, it's not that bad.
Mr Git: Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hun. Yes.
(Mrs Git gobs colourfully into her handbag.)
John: Do ... do you live round here?
Mr Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 - you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus.
John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh.
Mr Git: Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door.
Mrs Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.
Mr Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.
Mrs Stokes: Well...
Mr Git: It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.
Voice Over: (and caption) 'And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch'
(Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.)
Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighhour. John, this is Mr Watson.
Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn't worry.
(Cut to nun.)
Nun: I preferred the dirty version.
(She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women's Institute applause film.)
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Mosquito Hunters
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21
* * *
The cast:
HANK
Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
ROY
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Big close-up Hank Spire (face only). He is obviously walking along, the camera is following him hand held.)
Hank: Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like. Goodday Roy.
(Pull back to reveal he is walking with his brother in fairly rough country location. They pull a small trailer with 'high explosives' written in large letters on the side. The trailer has bombs in it. Hank takes a bazooka from the trailer.)
Voice Over: (JOHN) Hank and Roy Spire are tough, fearless backwoodsmen who have chosen to live in a violent, unrelenting world of nature's creatures, where only the fittest survive. Today they are off to hunt mosquitoes.
(Big close-up Roy Spira. He is obviously searching for something.)
Roy: (voice over) The mosquito's a clever little bastard. You can track him for days and days until you really get to know him like a friend. He knows you're there, and you know he's there. It's a game of wits. You hate him, then you respect him, then you kill him.
(Cut to Hank Spire who stands peering toward the horizon. Suddenly he points.)
Voice Over: Suddenly Hank spots the mosquito they're after.
(Dramatic music. Crash zoom along Hank's eye-line to as big a close-up as we can get of a patch in a perfectly ordinary field. Cut back to Hank and Roy starting to crawl towards some bushes.)
>
Voice Over: Now more than ever, they must rely on the skills they have learnt from a lifetime's hunting. (tense music, as they worm their way forward) Hank gauges the wind. (shot of Hank doing complicated wind gauging biz.) Roy examines the mosquito's spoor. (shot of Roy examining the ground intently) Then ... (Roy fires a bazooka. Hank fires off a machine gun; a series of almighty explosions in the small patch of field; the gunfire stops and the smoke begins to clear) It's a success. The mosquito now is dead. (Hank and Roy approach the scorched and blackened patch in the field) But Roy must make sure. (Roy points machine gun at head of mosquito and fires off another few rounds)
Roy: There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.
Voice Over: But the hunt is not over. With well practiced skill Hank skins the mosquito. (Hank produces an enormous curved knife and begins to start skinning the tiny mosquito) The wings of a fully grown male mosquito can in fact fetch anything up to point eight of a penny on the open market. (shot of them walking, carrying weapons) The long day is over and it's back to base camp for a night's rest. (inside villa; Hank is cleaning bazooka) Here, surrounded by their trophies Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt.
Hank: Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter to lure it away from the flowers, and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter and attacks it with air-to-air missiles.
Roy: A lot of people have asked us why we don't use fly spray. Well, where's the sport in that?
(Shot of them driving in Land Rover heavily loaded with weapons.)
Voice Over: For Roy, sport is everything. Ever since he lost his left arm battling with an ant, Roy has risked his life in the pursuit of tiny creatures. (a peaceful river bank; Roy and Hank are fishing) But it's not all work and for relaxation they like nothing more than a day's fishing. (Hank presses a button and there is a tremendous explosion in the water) Wherever there is a challenge, Hank and Roy Spim will be there ready to carry on this primordial struggle between man and inoffensive, tiny insects.
(Pull out to reveal the brothers standing on a tank. Heroic music reaches a climax.)
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Poofy Judges
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21
* * *
The cast:
FIRST JUDGE
Eric Idle
SECOND JUDGE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Apropos of nothing cut to oak-paneled robing chamber in the Old Bailey. Two Judges in full wigs and red robes enter.)
First Judge: (very camp) Oh, I've had such a morning in the High Court. I could stamp my little feet the way those QC's carry on.
Second Judge: (just as camp) Don't I know it, love.
First Judge: Objection here, objection there! And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well - beautiful speaking voice ... well after a bit all I could do was bang my little gavel.
Second Judge: You what, love?
First Judge: I banged me gavel. I did me 'silence in court' bit. Ooh! If looks could kill that prosecuting counsel would be in for thirty years. How did your summing up go?
Second Judge: Well, I was quite pleased actually. I was trying to do my butch voice, you know, 'what the jury must understand', and they loved it, you know. I could see that foreman eyeing me.
First Judge: Really?
Second Judge: Yes, cheeky devil.
First Judge: Was he that tall man with that very big... ?
Second Judge: No, just a minute - I must finish you know. Anyway, I finished up with 'the actions of these vicious men is a violent stain on the community and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes', and I waggled my wig! Just ever so slightly, but it was a stunning effect.
First Judge: Oh, I bet it was... like that super time I wore that striped robe in the Magistrates Court.
Second Judge: Oh, aye.
(Fade out.)
* * *
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Mrs. Thing and Mrs. Entity
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21
* * *
The cast:
FIRST PEPPERPOT (MRS. ENTITY)
Eric Idle
SECOND PEPPERPOT (MRS. THING)
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Fade into a bench in a public park, garden or square. A pepperpot is sitting on the bench, another pepperpot comes by pushing a shopping trolley.)
First Pepperpot: Hello, Mrs Thing.
Second Pepperpot: Hello, Mrs Entity.
First Pepperpot: How are you then?
Second Pepperpot: Oh, I have had a morning.
First Pepperpot: Busy?
Second Pepperpot: Busy - huh! I got up at five o'dock, I made myself a cup of tea, I looked out of the window. Well, by then I was so worn out I had to come and have a sit-down. I've been here for seven hours.
First Pepperpot: You must be exhausted.
Second Pepperpot: Mm. Oh, have you been shopping?
First Pepperpot: No, I've been shopping.
Second Pepperpot: Funny.
First Pepperpot: I'm worn out. I've been shopping for six hours.
Second Pepperpot: What have you bought, then?
First Pepperpot: Nothing. Nothing at all. A complete waste of time.
Second Pepperpot: Wicked, isn't it?
First Pepperpot: Wicked. It'll be worse when we join the Common Market.
Second Pepperpot: That nice Mr Heath would never allow that.
First Pepperpot: It's funny he never married.
Second Pepperpot: He's a bachelor.
First Pepperpot: Oooh! That would explain it, Oh dear me, this chatting away wears me out.
Second Pepperpot: Yes. I bet Mrs Reginald Maudling doesn't have to put up with all this drudgery, getting up at five in the morning, making a cup of tea, looking out of the window, chatting away.
First Pepperpot: No! It'd all be done for her.
Second Pepperpot: Yes, she'd have the whole day free for playing snooker.
First Pepperpot: She probably wouldn't go through all the drudgery of playing snooker, day in, day out.
Second Pepperpot: No, it would all be done for her. She wouldn't even have to lift the cue. First Pepperpot: She probably doesn't even know where the billlard room is.
Second Pepperpot: No, still, it's not as bad as the old days. Mrs Stanley Baldwin used to have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and go out and catch partridges with her bare hands.
First Pepperpot: Yes... and Mrs William Pitt the EIder used to have to get up at three o'clock and go burrowing for truffles with the bridge of her nose.
Second Pepperpot: Mrs Beethoven used to have to get up at midnight to spur on the mynah bird.
First Pepperpot: Lazy creatures, mynah birds,..
Second Pepperpot: Yes. When Beethoven went deaf the mynah bird just used to mime.
(The picture begins to wobble as in flashback '; appropriate dreamy music effect)
First Pepperpot: (looking at camera) Ooh! What's happening?
Second Pepperpot: It's all right. It's only a flashback.
* * *
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Beethoven's Mynah Bird
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 21
* * *
The cast:
BEETHOVEN
John Cleese
MRS. BEETHOVEN
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to Beethoven's living room. A model mynah bird is opening and shutting its beak. Beethoven is sitting at the piano.)
Beethoven: You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.
Mynah: Just you wait... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! (Beethoven pulls a revolver and shoots the bird which falls to the ground) Oh! Bugger...
Beethoven:
Shut up!
Mynah: Right in the wing.
Beethoven: Shut your beak. Gott in Himmel... I never get any peace here.
(He plays the first few notes of the fifth symphony, trying vainly to get the last note. Mrs Beethoven enters.)
Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig!
Beethoven: What?
Mrs Beethoven: Have you seen the sugar bowl?
Beethoven: No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl.
Mrs Beethoven: You know ... the sugar bowl.
Beethoven: Sod the sugar bowl... I'm trying to finish this stinking tune! It's driving me spare ... so shut up! (she leaves; he goes into opening bars of 'Washington Post March ) No, no, no, no, no.
(Mrs Beethoven comes back in.)
Mrs Beethoven: Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?
Beethoven: Stuff the jam spoon!
Mrs Beethoven: It was in the sugar bowl.
Beethoven: Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.
Mrs Beethoven: I don't know what you see in that piano. (she goes)
Beethoven: Leave me alone!! ... (gets the first eight notes right at last) ... Ha! ha! ha! I've done it, I've done it!
(Mrs Beethoven comes in again.)
Mlrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?
Beethoven: What!!!!
Mrs Beethoven: PEANUT BUTI'ER...
Beethoven: I've forgotten it. (plays a few wrong notes) I had it! I had it!
Mrs Beethoven: Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?
Beethoven: I don't care!!
Mrs Beethoven Ooooh! I don't know. (she goes out)