by Monty Python
Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
First Pepperpot: What's that on top of the telly-vision set?
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a penguin.
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: It's been a long time there, now, has it?
First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?
Second Pepperpot: Standin'!
First Pepperpot: I can see that!
(pause)
First Pepperpot: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.
Second Pepperpot: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.
First Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.
Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
(pause)
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from next door.
Second Pepperpot: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!
First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?
First Pepperpot: I panicked.
Second Pepperpot: Oh.
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?
First Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo it's from?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!
Second Pepperpot: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
First Pepperpot: He knows everything.
Second Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.
First Pepperpot: They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"!! You can't stamp a huge lion "property of the zoo"!!
Second Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when they're small.
First Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?
Second Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.
First Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.
Second Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)
Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.
(the penguin explodes)
First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!
Man: It was an inspired guess. And now...
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There's Been a Murder
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22
* * *
The cast:
DOCTOR
John Cleese
MOTHER
Carol Cleveland
SON
Graham Chapman
MUFFIN
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to room, with doctor, mother, and son.)
Doctor: That's not a part of the body.
Mother: NO, it's a link though.
Son: I didn't think it was very good.
Doctor: No, it's the end of the series, they must be running out of ideas.
(Inspector Muffin the Mule bursts through the door.)
Muffin: All fight, don't anybody move, there's been a murder.
Mother: A murder?
Muffin: No... no ... not a murder... no what's like a murder only begins with B?
Son: Birmingham.
Muffin: No ... no ... no ... no ... no...
Doctor: BurnIey?
Muffin: Burnley - that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley.
Son: Burglary.
Muffin: Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary - that's it, of course. There's been a burglary. Doctor: Where?
Muffin: In the back, just below the rib.
Doctor: No - that's murder.
Muffin: Oh... er no... in the band... In the bat... Barclays bat.
Son: Barclays Bank?
Muffin: Yes. Nasty business - got away with £23,000.
Son: Any clues?
Muffin: Any what?
Son: Any evidence as to who did it?
Muffin: (sarcastically) Any clues, eh? Oh, we don't half talk posh, don't we? I suppose you say 'ehnvelope' and 'larngerie' and 'sarndwiches on the settee'! Well this is a murder investigation, young man, and murder is a very serious business.
Doctor: I thought you said it was a burglary.
Muffin: Burglary is almost as serious a business as murder. Some burglaries are more serious than murder. A burglary in which someone gets stabbled is murder! So don't come these petty distinctions with me. You're as bad as a judge. Right, now! The first thing to do in the event of a breach of the peace of any kind, is to... go... (pause) and ... oh, sorry, sorry, I was miles away.
Doctor: Ring the police?
Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.
Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea?
Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch - it won't help you in court.
Mother: I beg your pardon?
Muffin: I'm sorry, sorry. That's the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley.
Son: Burglary.
Muffin: Burglary! Yes - good man.
(Sound of police siren and sound of ears drawing up outside.)
Doctor: Who's Boskovitch?
Muffin: Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians.
Son: Classified information?
Muffin: Oh, there he goes again! 'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our 'classified information'!
(The door opens and a plainclothes detective plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)
* * *
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Europolice Song Contest / 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong' (song)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22
* * *
The cast:
MUFFIN
Michael Palin
DUCKIE
Terry Jones
GIRL
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
ZATAPATHIQUE
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(A door opens and a plainclothes deteaive plus ten PCs (the Fred Tomlinson Singers) enter.)
Muffin: Ah! Hello, Duckie.
Duckie: Hello, sir. How are you?
Muffin: I'm fine thanks. How are you?
Duckie: Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.
Muffin: Why's that, Duckie?
Duckie: Because...
(Rhythm combo starts up out of vision and Dective Duckie sings. Superimposed caption on screen: 'SGT DUCKIE'S SONG')
Duckie:
I'm a little bit sad and lonely
Now my baby's gone away...
I'm feeling kinda blue
Don't know just what to do
I feel a little sad today.
Chorus of PCs:
He's a little bit sad and lonely
Now his baby's gone away
He's feeling kinda blue
He don't know just what to do
He's not feeling so good today.
Duckie: (solo)
When I smile
The sun comes flooding in
But when I'm sad
It goes behind the clouds again.
Chorus:
He's a little bit sad and lonely
Now his baby's gone away
He's feeling kinda (they stop abruptly and say)
etcetera
, etcetera. (applause)
Muffin: A lovely song, Duckie.
(Eurovision girl comes in.)
Girl: And that's the final entry. La derniere entree. Das final entry. And now, guten abend. Das scores. The scores. Les scores. Dei scores. Oh! Scores. Ha! Scores! (cut to scoreboard in Chinese) Yes, Monaco is the winner - hall Monaco is the linner- oh yes, man, Monaco's won de big prize, bwana ... and now, here is Chief Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique with the winning song once again.
(The accompaniment starts as the singers hum the intro. Cut to flashy Eurovision set. Zatapathique steps onto podium.)
Voice Over: (hushed tone) And so, Inspector Zatapathique, the forensic expert from the Monaco Murder Squad sings his song 'Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong'.
Zatapathique: (spoken) Quoi? Quoi? Tout le monde, quoi? ... mais, le monde ... d'habitude ... mais ... je pense ...
Zatapathique and Singers:
Bing tiddle tiddle bang
Bing tiddle fiddle bing
Bing fiddle fiddle tiddle tiddle
Bing fiddle tiddle tiddle BONG!
(Credits over. Zatapathique finishes and bends over exhausted. An arrow indicates his rear)
Voice Over: Number thirty-one. The end.
* * *
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French Subtitled Film
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 23
* * *
The cast:
STIG
Terry Jones
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
PHIL
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Exterior large rubbish dump. Hand-held camera tracks to girl in simple white dress with red hair fourteen foot long, who is sitting on a chair holding a cabbage in her hands. After a time Stig, in white jeans, shirt and scarf enters shot and stands around uneasily.)
Stig: Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')
Girl: Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING'
Pause. Stig looks uneasy, glancing at camera.)
Stig: II fair beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT'S A NICE DAY')
Girl: Oui, oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES, YES')
Stig: D'accord...
(SUBTITLE: 'HEAR HEAR')
Stig: Venez-vous ici souvent?
(SUBTITLE: 'DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?')
Girl: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES')
Stig: Ah. Bon. Bon.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD, GOOD'
Pause.)
Stig: Je vois que vous avez un chou.
(SUBTITLE: 'I SEE THAT YOU HAVE A CABBAGE')
Girl: ' Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES'
Stig starts to laugh falsely, and then the girl joins in. It is a miserable attempt to capture joy and togetherness. The girl stops laughing before Stig does.)
Stig: Certainement il fair beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT'
Stig wanders out of shot but is very obviously' pushed back into the picture.)
Stig: Je suis revolutionnaire.
(SUBTITLE: 'I AM A REVOLUTIONARY')
Girl: Oh.
Stig: Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?
(SUBTITLE: 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?')
Girl: J'ai dit 'oh'.
(SUBTITLE: 'I SAID "OH"')
Stig: Ah. Tr's interessant.
(SUBTITLE: 'AH. VERY INTERESTING
Cut to pimply youth in studio.')
Phil: Brian Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there in an improvised scene from Jean Kenneth Longueur's new movie 'Le Fromage Grand'. Brian and Brianette symbolize the breakdown in communication in our modern society in this exciting new film and Longueur is saying to us, his audience, 'go on, protest, do something about it, assault the manager, demand your money back'. Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage, Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence underlying our society when Brian and Brianerte again meet on yet another rubbish dump.
(Different part of same dump, but not very different. Girl is still on chair but this time with a cos lettuce. Then Stig enters shot.)
Stig: Bonjour encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'HELLO AGAIN')
Girl: Bonjour.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD MORNING')
Stig: Je vois que aujourd'jui vous avez une co-laitue.
(SUBTITLE: 'I SEE YOU'VE GOT A WEBB'S WONDER TODAY')
Girl: Oui.
Stig: Bon.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD'
Intercut quick shot from war film: machine-gunner in plane.)
Stig: Il fair beau encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT'S A LOVELY DAY AGAIN'
Shot of Paris riots and clubbing.)
Girl: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES')
Stig: Bon.
(SUBTITLE: 'GOOD'
Shot of Michael being struck on head with a club by John.)
Stig: Vous pouvez dire 'a encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT'
Shot of collapsing building, then a man at a piano (Graham); the lid slams on his hands.)
Stig: Certainement il fair beau ce matin.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT CERTAINLY IS A LOVELY DAY ALL RIGHT'
Shot of aeroplanes bombing. Shot of chef receiving arrow in chest. Shot of girl kicking tall man on shin. Shot of rockets being fired from plane.)
Girl: Oui.
(SUBTITLE: 'YES
Shot of hydrogen bomb.')
Stig: I1 fait beau bier. Ha ha ha.
(SUBTITLE: 'IT WAS LOVELY YESTERDAY. HA HA HA'
Shot of ack ack gun. Shot of man receiving a punch in the head from a boxing glove. Shot of nun kicking a policeman in the crutch.)
Girl: Ha ha.
(SUBTITLE: 'HA HA. HA HA. HA HA.'
Shot of Spitfire. Shot of Korean soldier; then man being beheaded.)
Stig: Quel surprise de vous voir encore.
(SUBTITLE: 'WHAT A SURPRISE TO SEE YOU AGAIN'
Shot of Paris riots. Shot of man having his foot stamped on. Shot of · blazing building. Shot of man being poked in the eye with an umbrella. Shot of battleship firing broadside. Shot of man in underpants having a bucket of water thrown over him. Shot of soccer violence. Shot of man bring knifed by a Greek Orthodox priest.)
Girl: Je t'aime.
(SUBTITLE: 'I LOVE YOU')
Stig: Je t'aime.
(SUBTITLE: 'I LOVE YOU'
They smile at each other happily for a moment. Then they hear something ticking. They listen carefully for a moment and then both start to look fearfully at the cos lettuce. After a moment of terror the cos lettuce explodes, in slow motion, blowing them apart. As tatters and pieces of cos lettuce float through the air in slow motion, the camera pans down to some autumn leaves. Freeze frame.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FIN')
* * *
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Scott of the Antartic
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 23
* * *
The cast:
PHIL
Eric Idle
CONGER
Graham Chapman
SCHLICK
Eric Idle
McRETTIN
John Cleese
OATES
Terry Jones
SCOTT
Michael Palin
EVANS
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
Phil: Pretty strong meat there from Longueur who is saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must destroy us all. That was for O. Simon, K. Simon, P. Simon and'R. Sparrow of Leicester. Later on, we're going to take a look at John Wayne's latest movie, 'Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads' but now we look ahead. On Tuesday Chris Conger took a BBC film unit to the location where 20th Century Vole are shooting their latest epic 'Scott of the Antarctic'.
(Chris Conger standing with
back to pier and a few holiday makers behind him.)
Conger: Sea, sand and sunshine make Paignton the queen of the English Riviera. But for the next six months this sleepy Devonshire resort will be transformed into the blizzard-swept wastes of the South Pole. For today shooting starts on the epic 'Scott of the Antarctic', produced by Gerry Schlick. (walks over to Schlick)
Schlick: (American accent) Hello.
Conger: Gerry, you chose Paignton as the location for Scott.
Schlick: Right, right.
Conger: Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no snow here?
Schlick: Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex, which is a new white foam rubber which actually on screen looks more like snow than snow...
(Cut to shot of people nailing and sticking white foam rubber over things. It looks terrible. Others are painting the sand with white paint.)
Schlick: ... and 1,600 cubic US furlongs of white paint, with a special snow finish.
Conger: And I believe Kirk Vilb is playing the tide role.
Schlick: That is correct. We were very thrilled and honoured when Kirk agreed to play the part of Lieutenant Scott (cut to Kirk Vilb who is wearing fun open at the chest; he is having a chest wig stuck on and icing sugar squeezed on to his nose and eyebrows) because a star of his magnitude can pick and choose, but he read the tide and just flipped. (cut back to Gerry Schlick and Chris Conger) And directing we have a very fine young British director, James Rettin, who's been collaborating on the screenplay, of course Jimmy...