by Monty Python
Second Richard: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.
(Shaking his head sadly, the specialist leaves the ward and opens a door to another one.)
Specialist: But in here we have some very nasty cases indeed.
(ANIMATION: involving grotesque Hamlets.)
Hamlets: To be or not to be. That is the question. To be...
(Animation leads to close up of flowers.)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Gumby Flower Arranging
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25, it was also performed live on their album 'Monty Python live at City Center.
* * *
The cast:
D.P. GUMBY
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Superimposed caption: 'FLOWER ARRANGEMENT'
Pull back to show Gumby in studio with piles of flowers on a table.
Superimposed caption: 'INTRODUCED BY D. P. GUMBY')
Gumby: Good evening. First take a bunch of flowers. (he grabs . flowers from the table) Pretty begonias, irises, freesias and chrysanthemums, then arrange them nicely in a vase. (he thrusts the flowers head downwards into the vase and stuffs them in wildly; he even bangs them with a mallet in an attempt to get them all in) Get in! Get int Get in!
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The Spam Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch Not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 25, it was also performed on their Albums - Another Monty Python Record' ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff' and 'Lust for Glory'..
* * *
The cast:
MAN
Eric Idle
WIFE
Graham Chapman
WAITRESS
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man: You sit here, dear.
Wife: All right.
Man: (to Waitress) Morning!
Waitress: Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife: (shrieks) I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings: (singing elaborately) Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spaaam! Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam!
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The Queen will be watching
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
The sketch:
(Announcer standing in front of his desk.)
Announcer (John Cleese): (reverently) Ladies and gentlemen, I am not simply going to say 'and now for something completely different' this week, as I do not think it fit. This is a particularly auspicious occasion for us this evening, as we have been told that Her Majesty the Queen will be watching pan of this show tonight. We don't know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. We understand that at the moment she is watching 'The Virginian', but we have been promised that we will be informed the moment that she changes channel. Her Majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally but her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home to stand when the great moment arrives, although we here in the studio will be carrying on with our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. Thank you. And now without any more ado and completely as normal, here are the opening titles. (bows)
(Very regal animated opening titles.)
CAPTION: 'ROYAL EPISODE THIRTEEN'
CAPTION: 'FIRST SPOOF'
CAPTION: 'A COAL MINE IN LLANDDAROG, CARMARTHEN'
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Coal Mine (historical argument)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
FIRST MINER
Graham Chapman
SECOND MINER
Terry Jones
FOREMAN
Eric Idle
THIRD MINER
Michael Palin
FOURTH MINER
Ian Davidson
MORGAN
Terry Gilliam
MANAGEMENT MAN
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'A COAL MINE IN LLANDDAROG CARMARTHEN'
(A nice photograph ofa typical pit head. Music over this: 'All Through the Night' being sung in Welsh.)
Voice Over: The coal miners of Wales have long been famed for their tough rugged life hewing the black gold from the uncompromising hell of one mile under. This is (at this moment across the bottom of the screen comes the following message in urgent teleprinter style, moving right to left, superimposed 'HM THE QUEEN STILL WATCHING 'THE VIRGINIAN) the story of such men, battling gallantly against floods, roof falls, the English criminal law, the hidden killer carbon monoxide and the ever-present threat of pneumoconiosis which is... a disease miners get.
(Cut to coal face below ground where some miners are engaged at their work. They hew away fir a bit, grunting and talking amongst themselves. Suddenly two of them square up to one another.)
First Miner: Don't you talk to me like that, you lying bastard.
(He hits the second miner and a fight starts.)
Second Miner: You bleeding pig. You're not fit to be down a mine.
First Miner: Typical bleeding Rhondda, isn't it. You think you're so bloody clever.
(They writhe around on the floor pummeling each other. Th
e foreman comes in.)
Foreman: You bloody fighting again. Break it up or I'll put this pick through your head. Now what's it all about?
First Miner: He started it.
Second Miner: Oh, you bleeding pig, you started it.
Foreman: I don't care who bloody started it. What's it about?
Second Miner: Well ... he said the bloody Treaty of Utrecht was I713.
First Miner: So it bloody is.
Second Miner: No it bloody isn't. It wasn't ratified 'til February 17 14.
First Miner: He's bluffing. You're mind's gone, Jenkins. You're rubbish.
Foreman: He's right, Jenkins. It was ratified September 1713. The whole bloody pit knows that. Look in Trevelyan, page 468.
Third Miner: He's thinking of the Treaty of bloody Westphalia.
Second Miner: Are you saying I don't know the difference between the War of the bloody Spanish Succession and the Thirty bloody Years War?
Third Miner: You don't know the difference between the Battle of Borodino and a tiger's bum.
(They start to fight.)
Foreman: Break it up, break it up. (he hits them with his pickaxe) I'm sick of all this bloody fighting. If it's not the bloody Treaty of Utrecht it's the bloody binomial theorem. This isn't the senior common room at All Souls, it's the bloody coal face.
(A fourth miner runs up.)
Fourth Miner: Hey, gaffer, can you settle something? Morgan here says you find the abacus between the triglyphs in the frieze section of the entablature of classical Greek Doric temples.
Foreman: You bloody fool, Morgan, that's the metope. The abacus is between the architrave and the aechinus in the capital.
Morgan: You stinking liar.
(Another fight breaks out. A management man arrives carried in sedan chair by two black flunkies. He wears a colonial governor's helmet and a large sign reading frightfully important. All the miners prostrate themselves on the floor.)
Foreman: Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very faeces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.
Management Man: No idea. Sorry.
Foreman: Right. Everybody out.
(They all walk off throwing down took. Cut to a news reader's desk.)
Newsreader: Still no settlement in the coal mine dispute at Llanddarog. Miners refused to return to work until the management define a metope. Meanwhile, at Dagenham the unofficial strike committee at Fords have increased their demands to thirteen reasons why Henry III was a bad king. And finally, in the disgusting objects international at Wembley tonight, England beat Spain by a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron. And now, the Toad Elevating Moment.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The man who says things in a very roundabout way
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
The cast:
INTERVIEWER
Terry Jones
MR. PUDIFOOT
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'THE TOAD ELEVATING MOMENT'
(Pompous music. Mix to spinning globe and then to two men in a studio.)
Interviewer: Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr Pudifoot.
Mr Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?
Mr Pudifoot: Yes.
Interviewer: Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have very little of the discursive quality about them.
Mr Pudifoot: Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today. It's a form of defensive response to intensive interrogative stimuli. I used to get it badly when I was a boy ... well, I say very badly, in fact, do you remember when there was that fashion for, you know, little poodles with small coats...
Interviewer: Ah, now you're beginning to talk in a roundabout way.
Mr Pudifoot: Oh, I'm sorry.
Interviewer: No, no, no, no. Please do carry on ... because that is in fact why we wanted you on the show.
Mr Pudifoot: I thought it was because you were interested in me as a human being. (gets up and leaves)
Interviewer: Well... lets move on to our guest who not only lives in Essex but also speaks only the ends of words. Mr Ohn Ith. Mr Ith, good evening.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The man who speaks only the ends of words
The man who speaks only the beginnings of words
The man who speaks only the middles of words
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
The cast:
INTERVIEWER
Terry Jones
MR. ITH
Eric Idle
MR. SM
John Cleese
SCOT
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Enter from back of set as per Eamonn Andrews show Mr Ohn lth. He sits at the desk)
Mr Ith: ... ood ... ing.
Interviewer: Nice to have you on the show.
Mr Ith: ... ice ... o ... e ... ere.
Interviewer: Mr Ith, don't you find it very difficult to make yourself understood?
Mr Ith: Yes, it is extremely difficult.
Interviewer: Just a minute, you're a fraudl
Mr Ith: Oh no. I can speak the third and fourth sentences perfectly normally.
Interviewer: Oh I see. So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again?
Mr Ith: T's... ight.
Interviewer: Well, let's move on to our next guest who speaks only the beginnings of words, Mr J ... Sm... Mr Sm... good evening.
(Enter Mr Sm.)
Mr Sm: G... e...
Interviewer: Well, have you two met before?
Mr Sm: N...
Mr Ith: ... o
Mr Sm: N...
Mr Ith: ... o
Interviewer: Well, this is really a fascinating occasion because we have in the studio Mr ... oh ... I ... who speaks only the middles of words. Good evening.
(Enter Scot.)
Scot: .... oo ...... ni...
Interviewer: Um, where do you come from?
Scot: . .. u... i... a...
Interviewer: Dunfermline in Scotland. Well let me introduce you, Mr Ohn Ith...
Mr Ith: ... ood ... ing.
Scot: ... oo ...... ni...
Interviewer: J... Sm...
Scot: ... oo ...... ni...
Mr Sm: G... Eve...
Interviewer: Yes, well, ha, ha, just a moment. Perhaps you would all like to say good evening together.
Mr Sm: G...
Scot: . .. oo...
Mr Ith: ... d
Mr Sm: Eve...
Scot: ... ni...
Mr Ith: ... ing.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Commercials
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
The cast:
ADMAN
Eric Idle
MAN'S VOICE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(ANIMATION: a sketch advertising Crelm toothpaste. Cut to a soap powder commercial. Slick adman against neutral background. On his left is an ordinary kitchen table. On his right is a pile of sheets on a stand.)
Adman: This table has been treated with ordinary soap powder, but these have been treated with new Fibro-Val. (cut to top shot of interior of washing machine with water spinning round as per ads) We put both of them through our washing machine, and just look
at the difference. (cut back to the original set-up; the sheets are obviously painted white; the table is smashed up) The table is broken and smashed, but the sheets, with Fibro-Val, are sparkling clean and white.
(Traditional expanding square links to next commercial. Animated countryside with flowers, butterflies and a Babychain animal. A boy and a girl (real, superimposed) wander through hand in hand.)
Man's Voice: I love the surgical garment. Enjoy the delights of the Victor Mature abdominal corset. Sail down the Nile on the Bleed-it Kosher Truss. (the adman comes into view over the background; he holds a tailor's dummy -pelvis only - with a truss) And don't forget the Hercules Hold-'em-in, the all-purpose concrete truss for the man with the family hernia.
(He throws away the truss. The background changes to blow-up of a fish tank. The adman is sitting at a desk. He pulls a goldfish bowl over.)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
How to feed a goldfish
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
The cast:
ADMAN
Eric Idle
RSCPA MAN
Ian Davidson
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
* * *