by Monty Python
First Soloist: Proust, in his first book wrote about... fa la la...
Second Soloist: Proust in his first book wrote about...
Tenors: He wrote about...
(They continue contrapuntally, in madrigal, never getting beyond these words until they rallentando to say...)
All: Proust in his first book wrote about the... (gong sounds)
Voice Over: Very ambitious try there, but in fact the least successful of the evening, they didn't even get as far as the first volume. (the singers leave the stage)
Mee: Well ladies and gendemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsuladng the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits.
(Applause and music. A lady with enormous knockers comes on to the side of the stage. Roll credits:)
THE ALL-ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION A BBG PRODUCTION WITH MR I. T. BRIDDOCK, 2379, THE TERRACE, HODDESDON. IT WAS CONCEIVED, WRITFEN AND PERFORMED BY...
(Roll usual Mon!y Python credits and music. Behind them the lady accepts the cup and the singers come back on stage and admire her. Fade out.)
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Hairdressers' Ascent up Mount Everest
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 31
* * *
The sketch:
(Begins with a picture of the sun rising over two mountain peaks)
Announcer (Graham Chapman): Mount Everest. Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.
(Gong crashes, a disgusted voice interrupts)
Voice Over: Start again!
(A hideous clown in green plaid shirt, 14-inch wide blue polka-dotted bow tie, red curly wig, false teeth and an ugly mask steps in front of the picture of the mountain for a second and waves.)
Announcer: Mount Everest. Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. This year, this remote Himalayan mountain, this mystical temple, surrounded by the most difficult terrain in the world, repulsed yet another attempt to conquer it. (Picture changes to wind-swept, snowy tents and people) This time, by the International Hairdresser's Expedition. In such freezing, adverse conditions, man comes very close to breaking point. What was the real cause of the disharmony which destroyed their chances at success?
(Hairdresser #1 is a snowy, bundled up climber with a very gay voice. Hairdressers #2 and #3 are even more gay and windswept.)
Hairdresser #1: Well, people keep taking your hairdryer on every turn.
Hairdresser #2: There's a lot of bitching in the tents.
Hairdresser #3: You couldn't get near the mirror.
(Cut to the announcer, a stuffy looking older man, delicately trimming millimetres off the leaves of cabbages growing in his country garden.)
Announcer: The leader of the expedition was Colonel Sir John Cheesy-Weezy Butler, veteran K2, Annapurna, and Vidal. His plan was to ignore the usual route around the south and to make straight for the top.
(next part shows a map of the mountain)
Cheesy-Weezy: We established Base Salon here, and climbed quite steadily up to Mario's, here. From here, using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went, we moved steadily up the face to the north ridge, establishing Camp Three, where we could get a hot meal, a manicure, and a shampoo and set.
Announcer: Could it work? Could this 18-year old hairdresser from Brixton succeed where others had failed? The situation was complicated by the imminent arrival of the monsoon storms. Patrice takes up the story.
(cut to Patrice (Eric Idle) in a salon, very effeminately brushing and blow- drying a customer's hair.)
Patrice: Well, we knew as well as anyone that the monsoons were due. But the thing was, Ricky and I had just had a blow dry and rinse, and we couldn't go out for a couple of days.
(Picture of mountaineers climbing down mountain)
Announcer: After a blazing row, the Germans and Italians had turned back, taking with them the last of the hairnets. On the third day, a blizzard blew up. Temperatures fell to minus 30 degrees centigrade. Inside the little tent, things were getting desperate.
(Ricky (Michael Palin) and John Cleese are crowded inside a little tent, sporting beards, hairnets, and curlers. They sit beneath stationary hairdryers. Cleese is reading, Ricky is buffing his nails.)
Ricky: Well, things have gotten so bad that we've been forced to use the last of the heavy oxygen equipment just to keep the dryers going. (A woman hands him a cup of tea.) Oh, she's a treasure.
Cleese: Shhh!
(another mountain climbing scene)
Announcer: But a new factor had entered the race. A team of French chiropodists, working with brand new corn plasters and Dr. Scholl's Mountaineering Sandals, were close behind. The Glasgow Orpheus male voice choir were tackling the difficult north part. All together, fourteen expeditions were at the scene. This was it. Ricky had to make a decision.
(back to Patrice at his salon)
Patrice: Well, we decided to open a salon.
Announcer: It was a tremendous success.
(the following is accompanied by pictures of great mountaineering heros upon whom are pasted elaborate Marie Antoinette style hairdos)
Announcer: Challenging Everest? Why not drop in at Ricky Pule's, only 2400 feet from this cinema. (A huge pink neon sign reading 'Ricky's' appears on the mountain.) Ricky and Maurice offer a variety of styles for the well-groomed climber. Why should Tensing and Sir Edmond Hillary be number one on top, when you're number one on top?
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Fire Brigade / Our Eamonn
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 31
* * *
The cast:
MRS. LITTLE
Terry Jones
FIRST FIREMAN
Michael Palin
SECOND FIREMAN
Eric Idle
MERVYN
John Cleese
EAMONN
Graham Chapman
ANNOUNCER
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(We see little old Mrs Little on the phone in her hall. She is a dear little old lady and lives in a rather fussy ducks-on-wall house.)
Mrs Little: Hello, is that the fire brigade?
(Cut to the fire station.)
First Fireman: No, sorry, wrong number.
(He puts the phone back. Pull out to reveal four or five firemen in full gear, surrounded by fire-fighting equipment and a gleaming fire engine. The firemen are engaged in a variety of homely pursuits: one is soldering a crystal set, another is cooking at a workbench, another is doing embroidery, another is at a sewing machine. The first fireman is at the phone on the wall. He goes back to clearing up a budgie's cage.)
Second Fireman: That phone's not stopped ringing all day.
Third Fireman: What happens when you've mixed the batter, do you dice the ham with the coriander?
First Fireman: No, no, you put them in separately when the vine leaves are ready.
(The phone ring.)
Second Fireman: Oh, no, not again.
Third Fireman: Take it off the hook.
(The first fireman takes the phone off the hook. Cut back to Mrs Little on phone. She looks at the receiver then listens again.)
Mrs Little: I can't get the fire brigade Mervyn.
(Mervyn, her 38-year-old, 6' 8" son appears.)
Mervyn: Here, let me try, dear. You go and play the cello.
Mrs Little: Oh it doesn't do any good, dear.
Mervyn: Look. Do you want the little hamster to live or not?
Mrs Little: Yes I do, Mervyn.
Mervyn: Well go and play the cello!
(She looks helplessly at him, then goes into the sitting room, Mervyn dials.)
Mervyn: Hello, hello, operator? Yes we're trying to get the fire brigade ... No, the fire brigade. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
, yes, what? ... (he takes one of his shoes off and looks in it) Size eight. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, no of course not, Yes...
(Mrs Little appears, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.)
Mrs Little: (touching Mervyn gently on the arm) He's gone, dear.
Mervyn: What?
Mrs Little: He's slipped away.
Mervyn: What?
Mrs Little: The sodding hamster's dead!
Mervyn: (broken) Oh no!! What were you playing?
Mrs Little: Some Mozart concertos, dear.
Mervyn: What... How did he... ?
Mrs Little: His eyes just closed, and he fell into the wastepaper basket. I've covered him with a copy of the 'Charlie George Football Book'.
Mervyn: (handing her the phone) Right, you hang on. I must go and see him.
Mrs Little: There was nothing we could do, Mervyn. If we'd have had the whole Philharmonic Orchestra in there, he'd still have gone.
Mervyn: I'm going upstairs, I can't bear it.
Mrs Little: (restraining him) There isn't an upstairs dear, it's a bungalow.
Mervyn: Dam. (he storms off)
Mrs Little: (into the phone) Hello, I'm sorry to keep you waiting, It's just that... (she takes her shoe off and looks inside) size three, yes it's iust - we've lost a dear one and my son was ... yes, that's fight, size eight, yes and... Oh I see... yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, I see, yes, yes, I, I ... Yes, yes. No ... no... yes, · see ..... ; can't get the fire brigade Mervyn - ,will the Boys' Brigade do?
Mervyn: (off) No! They'd be useless!
Mrs Little: No, he doesn't want anyone at the moment, thank you. No, yes, yes, no thank you for trying, yes, yes, ... no, Saxones, yes, yes thank you, bye, bye.
(As she puts the phone down the front door beside her opens and there stands a huge African warrior in war paint and with a spear and shield. At his feet are several smart suitcases.)
Eamonn: Mummy,
Mrs Little: Eamonn. (he brings in the cases and doses the front door) Mervyn! Look it's our Eamonn - oh let me look at you, tell me how... how is it in Dublin?
Eamonn: Well, things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutional settlement.
Mrs Little: Oh don't talk. Let me just look at you,
Eamonn: Great to be home, mummy. How are you?
Mrs Little: Oh, I'm fine. I must just go upstairs and get your room ready.
Eamonn: It's a bungalow, mummy.
Mrs Little: Oh dam, yes. Mervyn, Mervyn - look who's here, it's our Eamonn come back to see us.
(Mervyn appears. He still looks shattered by the death of the hamster.)
Mervyn: Hello, Eamonn.
Eamonn: Hello, Merv.
Mervyn: How was Dublin?
Eamonn: Well as I was telling mummy here, things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutional settlement.
(The phone rings)
Mervyn: (answering phone) Hello, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes - what? what? ... (looking at Eamonn bare foot) Size seven. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes .... it's the fire brigade, they want to know if they can come round Thursday evening.
Mrs Little: Oh no, Thursday's the Industrial Relations Bill Dinner Dance. Can't they make it another day?
Mervyn: (into the phone) Hello, no Thursday's right out. Yes, yes, yes, yes... (fade out)
(Fade up on a dinner-jacketed announcer sitting at a table with a bowl of flowers on it. A hand waves bm inside the bowl of flowers.)
Announcer: And so it was the fire brigade eventually came round on Friday night.
(Cut to fire engines skidding out of the fire station and roaring away - speeded up. They skid to a halt outside the Litties' suburban house. Fireman pour out of the fire engine and start to swarm in through the windows. Cut to interior of Littles ' sitting room. It is laid out for a cocktail party. Mervyn is in evening dress and is sitting on the sofa looking very depressed Mrs Little in a faded cocktail dress. Eamonn still in warpaint with spear and shield~ The fireman appear.)
Mrs Little: Oh, so glad you could come. What would you like to drink? Gin and tonic? Sherry?
Fireman: (in unison) A drop of sherry would be lovely. (as she starts to pour drinks the firemen confide in unison) We do' like being called out to these little parties, they're much better than fires. The phone ring. Half the fireman go to answer it. A Fireman (off) Yes, yes yes.
Fireman: Well, how was Dublin, Eamonn?
Eamonn: Well, as I was telling mummy and Mervyn earlier, things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutional...
Mrs Little: (to camera) Look at them enjoying themselves. (shot of party in the hall; we can just see the fireman on phone; they keep looking at their shoe sizes) You know I used to dread parties until I watched 'Party Hints by Veronica'. I think it's on now...
(Panning shot across mountains in CinemaScope format.)
SUPERIMPOSED ROLLER CAPTION:
THE BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION
IN ASSOCIATION WITH TRANSWORLD INTERNATIONAL
AND NIMROD PRODUCTIONS PRESENT
AN ARTHUR E. RICEBACHER
AND DAVID A. SELTZER PRODUCTION
FOR HASBACH ENTERPRISES
OF CHARLES D. ORTIZ' ADAPTATION
OF THE PULITZER PRIZEWINNING IDEA
BY DANIEL E. STOLLMEYER
BROUGHT TO THE SCREEN FROM ROBERT HUGHES'S NOVEL
BY LOUIS H. TANNHAUSER AND VERNON D. LARUE
PARTY HINTS BY VERONICA SMALLS
A SELZENBACH-TANSROD PRODUCTION
IN ASSOCIATION WITH
VICTOR A. LOUNGE
ROLO NICE SWEETIES
FISON'S FERTILIZERS
TIME LIFE INNIT-FOR-THE-MONEY LIMITED
THE TRUSTEES OF ST PAUL'S CATHEDRAL
THAT NICE MR ROBINSON AT THE VET'S
RALPH READER
RALPH NADER
THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT
MICHAEL'S AUNTIE BETTY IN AUSTRALIA
A CINEMASCOPE PRODUCTION
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'Party Hints' with Veronica Smalls
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 31
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to Veronica in the 'Party Hints' set - a chintzy kitchen.) Veronica (Eric Idle): Hello, last week on 'Party Hints' I showed you how to rnakc a small plate of goulash go round twenty-six people, how to get the best out of your canapes, and how to unblock your 1oo. This week I'm going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you're having a party. Well obviously it'll depend how far you've got with your party when the signal for Red Revolt is raised. If you're just having preliminary aperitifs - Dubonnet, a sherry or a sparkling white wine - then the guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. So the thing to do is to get some cloth and some bits of old paper, put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. This will deal with the Red Menace on your own doorstep. If you're having canapds, as I showed you .last week, or an outdoor barbecue, then the thing to do is set fire ,.o all houses in the street. This will stir up anti-communist hatred and your neighbours will be right with you as you organize counter-revolutionary terror. So you see, if you act promptly . enough, any left-wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. Bye...
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Language Laboratory
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 31
* * *
The cast:
FIRST BOOTH
Eric Idle
SECOND BOOTH
Terry Jones
THIRD BOOTH
Michael Palin
MR. MANN
Graham Chapman
TICK
John Cleese
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
/> (Cut to a language laboratory. Mr Mann is showing Tick round. There is a line of booths, each lined with pegboard. Each has a person with a pair of earphones on with attached microphones, a tape recorder and a swivel chair)
First Booth: (ERIC) Bleck people. Bleck people. Rrrhodesian. Kill the blecks. Rrhodesian. Smith, Smith. Kill the blecks within the five principles.
(He starts to rewind the tape recorder. Nods at Mr Mann. They come to the second booth.)
Second Booth: I'm afraid I cannot comment on that until it's been officially hushed up.
Mr Mann: This is our politicians' booth.
Second Booth: While there is no undue cause for concern, there is certainly no room for complacency. Ha, ha, ha. He, he, he.
(They pass on to the next booth.)
Third Booth: Well I'll go, I'll go to the foot of our stairs. Ee ecky thump. put wood in 'ole, muther.
Mr Mann: taps him. He removes his earphones.
Third Booth: (normal) Yes?
Mr Mann: Ee ecky thump.
Third Booth: (trying it) Ee ecky thump.
Mr Mann: Ee ecky thump! (indicates more power)
Third Booth: Ee ecky thump!
Mr Mann: Excellent.
Third Booth: Thank you, sir. (puts earphones on, listens)
Mr Mann: It's a really quick method of learning.
Third Booth: Can you smell gas or is it me?
Tick: (who is very different) Looks jolly good.
(They come to the fourth booth where sits a very city-type gent.)