Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 73
Badger: (voice over) I'll put the lights on again for a pound.
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Prices on the Planet Algon
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 35
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
JAMES M'BURKE
Michael Palin
HARRY
Terry Jones
PROFESSOR HERMAN KHAN
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(An animated sketch, and then to a strange moonlike landscape. Eerie science-fiction music plays in the background.)
Voice Over: This is the planet Algon, fifth world in the system of Aldebaran, the Red Giant in the constellation of Sagittarius. Here an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate costs four million pounds, an immersion heater for the hot-water tank costs over six billion pounds. and a pair of split-crotch panties would be almost unobtainable. (cut to a budget-day-type graphic, with a picture of the product and the price alongside) A simple rear window de-misting device for an 1100 costs eight thousand million billion pounds and a new element for an electric kettle like this (picture of electric kettle) would cost as much as the entire gross national product of the United States of America from 1770 to the year 2000, (graphic of American GNP) and even then they wouldn't be able to afford the small fixing ring which attaches it to the kettle. (graphic of an electric kettle showing all the separate pieces detatched from each other, arrow points to the fixing ring)
(Cut to James M'Burke sitting at a desk. 'Algon I' motifs everywhere. Another expert stands by a model of the planet, and there is a panel of experts at a long desk who are all obviously dummies. Everyone has one of those single earphones.)
M'Burke: Well, our computers have been working all day to analyse the dramatic information that's come in from this first ever intergalactic probe, Algon... I ... (suddenly very excited as he hears something over his earphone) ... and we're just getting an interesting development now, which is that attachments for rotary mowers - that is mowers that have a central circular blade - are... relatively inexpensive! Stir in the region 'of nine m ten million pounds, but it does seem to indicate that Algon might be a very good planet for those with larger gardens ... or perhaps even an orchard that's been left for two years, needs some heavy work, some weeding... (very, indistinct piaures start to come through on the screen behind him) But we're now getting some live pictures through from Algon! Harry - Perhaps you could talk us through them.
(Cut into pictures from Algon.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LIVE FROM ALGON'
(Very fuzzy pictures of the Algon landscape. Panning and tracking shots hand held.)
Harry: (voice over) Very little evidence of shopping facilities here .. there don't seem to be any large supermarkets. There may be some on-the-comer grocery stores behind those rocks, but it's difficult m tell from this angle. It does seem to suggest that most of the shopping here is by direct mail.
SUPERIMPOSED TELEPRINTER CAPTION: DIGESTIVE BISCUITS; £8,OOO,OOO PER PACKET'
(Cut to James M 'Burke.)
M'Burke: Of course the big question that everyone's asking here is, what about those split-crotch parities? Are they going to be unobtainable throughout the Universe or merely on Algon itself?. Professor?
(Cut to a professor sitting beside a contour model of an area of Algon. It has a little model of the probe marb'ng where it has landed)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'PROFESSOR HERMAN KHAN, DIRECTOR OF THE INSTITUTE OF SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES'
Professor: We must remember that Algon is over 75,000 miles wide. The probes come down to this area here and we're really only getting signals from a radius of only thirty or forty miles around the probe. Split-crotch panties, or indeed any items of what we scientists call, 'Sexy Underwear' or 'Erotic Lingerie' may be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.
(Camera pans to include M'Burke.)
M'Burke: Professor, you were responsible for finding Scanty-Panties and Golden Goddess High-Lift Bras on planets which were never thought able to sustain life, and now that man has discovered a new galaxy do you think we're going to see underwear become even naughtier?
Professor: Oh naughtier and naughtier.
SUPERIMPOSED TELEPRINTER CAPTION: 'NO BANANAS ON ALGON'
M'Burke: Well so much for that ... But of course, the probe itself has excited a great deal of interest... for it contains uranium-based dual transmission cells entirely re-charged by solar radiation, which can take off a bra and panties in less than fifteen seconds. It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware to be specially designed to undress ladies, and so there are bound to be some teething troubles ... such as how to cope with the combination of elastic-sided boots and tights.
(He produces the bottom half of a tailor's dummy wearing boots and tights with panties over the tights halfway down. On the screen behind, more dim indecipherable TV piaures from Algon.)
M'Burke: But I think we're getting some pictures now from Algon itself, and it looks as though ... yes! The satellite has found a bird! The probe has struck crumpet and she looks pretty good too! Professor?
Professor: Ja - she's a. real honey!
(All we see on the screen is a blurred female figure.)
M'Burke: Well the pictures are a bit sporadic... I think probably... the solar radiation during the long journey to Algon... (the screen goes blank) Hoy! Look! Oh dear, I'm sorry we've lost contact. We'll try and re-establish contact with Algon...
(Cut to presenter's-type chair. Mr Badger appears at side of screen.)
Badger: Hello... The BBC have offered me the sum of forty pence to read the credits of this show. (sits) Personally I thought they should have held out for the full seventy-five, but the BBC have explained to me about their financial difficulties and ... er ... I decided to accept the reduced offer... so ... the show was conceived, written and performed by... the usual lot... (the signature tune is heard) Also appearing were Carol Cleveland, Marie Anderson, Mrs Idle, Make-up - Madelaine Gaffney, Costume - Hazel Pethig, Animations by Terry Gilliam, Visual Effects Designer - Bernard Wilkie, Graphics - Bob Blagden, Film Cameraman - Alan Featherstone, Film Editor - Ray Millichope, Sound - Richard Chubb, Lighting - Bill Bailey, Designer - Bob Berk, Produced by Ian MacNaughton for 92p and a bottle of Bells whisky ... it was a BBC colour production. That's just it. I'd like to say if there are any BBC producers looking in who need people to read the credits for them, I would personally...
(The camera pulls out to reveal the sixteen-ton weight poised above him. As the picture fades the weight falls on him.)
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Tudor Jobs Agency
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
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The cast:
ASSISTANT
Terry Jones
CUSTOMER
Graham Chapman
SECOND ASSISTANT
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Outside a shop. A sign reads 'Tuder Job Agency -Jobs a Speciality '. A man enters the shop. Inside it is decorated in Tudor style. The assistant is in Tudor dress.)
Assistant: Morning, sir, can I help you?
Customer: Yes, yes... I wondered if you have any part-time vacancies on your books..
Assistant: Part-time, I'll have a look, sir. (he gets out a book and looks through it) Let me look now. We've got, ah yes, Sir Walter Raleigh is equipping another expedition to Virginia; he needs traders and sailors. Vittlers needed at:the Court of Philip of Spain, oh, yes, and they want master joiners and craftsmen for the building of the Globe Theatre.
Customer: I see. Have you anything a bit more modern, you know, like a job on the buses, or digging the underground?
Assistant: Oh no, we only have Tudor jobs.
Customer: That can't be very profitable, can it?
Assistant: Well, you'd be surprised, actually sir. The Tudor economy's booming, ever since Sir Humphrey Gilbert opened up the North- west passage to Cathay, and the Cabots' expansion in Canada, there's been a tremendous surge in exports, and trade with the Holy Roman Empire is going... no, quite right, it's no good at all.
Customer: What?
Assistant: It's a dead loss. We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625.
Customer: I see.
Assistant: That's all?
Customer: What?
Assistant: That's all you say?
Customer: Yes.
Assistant: No, no, we were the tops then. Drake got all his sailors here. Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation. Shakespeare started off from here as a temp. Then came James the First and the bottom fell out of the Tudor jobs. 1603 - 800 vacancies filled, 1604 - 40, 1605 - none, 1606 - none. The rest of the Stuart period nothing. Hanoverions nothing. Victorians nothing. Saxe-Coburgs nothing. Windsors... what did you want?
Customer: Dirty books, please.
Assistant: Right. (produces selection of mags from under counter) Sorry about the Tudor bit, but you can't be too careful, you know. Have a look through these.
Customer: Have you got anything a bit... er...
Assistant: A bit stronger?
Customer: Yes.
Assistant: Hold on ... a... My Lord of Warwick!
Second Assistant: (off) 'Allo!
Assistant: Raise high the drawbridge. Gloucester's troops approach.
Second Assistant: (off) Right.
Assistant: Can't be too careful you know, sir.
(The wall of the Tudor shop slides back to reveal the interior of a Soho dirty bookshop in the back room... continued)
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Pornographic Bookshop
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
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The cast:
SECOND ASSISTANT
Eric Idle
NID
John Cleese
FIRST ASSISTANT
Terry Jones
MAN
Terry Gilliam
GASKELL
Michael Palin
MADDOX
Graham Chapman
FATHER
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(We see a bare room with a counter and magazines in racks on the walls at eye-level. Three drably dressed men are thumbing through books. One of them is a vicar, one of them is gathering a huge pile. Behind the counter is a Soho toughie in Tudor gear showing books to Mr Nid a tweedy, rather academic, respectable-looking man of senior years. The customer goes through, and the wall slides back.)
Second Assistant: There's a 'Bridget - Queen of the Whip'.
Nid: Yes..,
Second Assistant: Or 'Naughty Nora'... or there's this one: 'Doug, Bob and Gordon Visit the Ark Royal'. Or there's 'Sister Teresa - The Spanking Nun'.
Nid: Mmmm... I see ... you don't have anything specially about Devon and Cornwall?
Second Assistant: No. I'm afraid not, sir.
Nid: The one I was really after was Arthur Hotchkiss's 'Devonshire Country Churches'.
Second Assistant: Well how about this, sir: 'Bum Biters'.
Nid: No ... not really ... I don't suppose you have any general surveys of English Church architecture?
Second Assistant: No, it's not really our line, sir.
Nid: No, I see. Well, never mind I'll just take the 'Lord Lieutenant in Nylons' then, and these two copies of 'Piggie Parade'. Thank you.
Second Assistant: Right, sir.
First Assistant: (voice over) My Lord of Warwick.
Second Assistant: 'Allo?
First Assistant: (voice over) Raise high the drawbridge. Gloucester's troops approach!
Second Assistant: Right.
(He presses a button below counter and the wall slides back. The man with the big pile of books comes up to counter.)
Man: Just these, then.
(Enter Gaskell in Tudor gear. The wall closes up behind him.)
Gaskell: All right. This is a raid. My name is Superintendent Gaskell and this is Sergeant Maddox.
Second Assistant: Ah! Sir Philip Sidney. 'Tis good to see thee on these shores again.
Gaskell: Shut up.
Second Assistant: Your suit is fair and goodly cut. Was't from Antwerp?
Gaskell: Shut up. It's a disguise. Right! Confiscate the smutty books, Maddox.
Second Assistant: Sir Philip!. Prithee nay!
Gaskell: Listen, mate! Don't come that Philip Sidney bit with me. I'm not a bloody Tudor at all. I'm Gaskell of the Vice Squad and this is Sergeant Maddox. ',
(They all look at him blankly. He looks to Maddox for support and realize he isn't there.)
Gaskell: Maddox! Where's he gone?
Second Assistant: Sir Philip, prithee rest awhile.
Gaskell: Look. This is the last time. I'm warning you, I'm not Sir Philip Bleeding Sidney. I am Superintendent Harold Gaskell and this is a raid.
(Everybody resumee their book-buying and ignores him. At the counter the assistant is still totaling up the huge pile of books.)
Second Assistant: That'll be 540 quid sir.
Man: Oh, I'll just have this one then. (takes top one)
Gaskell: Maddox! (addressing everyone in shop; they ignore him) Look, this is a raid. (no reaction) Honestly, I promise you. (people start to leave through the rear door ofthe,shop; Gaskell blocks it) Where are you going?
Customer: I'm going home.
Gaskell: Right. (looks for his notebook but it's not in his Tudor clothing) I'll remember you. Don't you worry. I'n remember you...
Customer: Pray good, Sir Philip, that you...
Gaskell: Don't you start! Maddox! (the customer leaves; other customers start to leave) Listen, I can prove to you I'm a policeman. I can give the names of all the men down in 'F' division at Acton: Inspector Arthur Perry, Superintendent Charles Frodwell, my best friend, police dogs, Batch, Wolf, Panther, Manriling. How would I know those names if I was Sir Philip Sidney? (the vicar comes up to counter) Look, vicar, you know me. The Gargoyle Club - I got you off the charge. (the vicar leaves guiltily)
Second Assistant: Farewell, good Sir Philip.
(He goes out carrying a pile of magazines. Then the vicar goes, followed by the Tudor man.)
Gaskell: Hey, stop! (the door slams; Gaskell turns and looks round the empty shop; pause) Maddox!
(He rushes up to the sliding wall and beats on it. Then he turns and makes for the little back door and goes through.)
Gaskell: You'll never get away with this, you porn merchant. Blimey!
(He stops and gapes. We cut to his eye-line to see he is standing in a beautiful, green, Tudor garden. In the distance a Tudor house. A girrl is sitting on a stone bench, sobbing. Gaskell waller towards her, bewildered.)
Gaskell: Maddox!
(The girl looks up at him with beseeching eyes. She is young and beautiful.)
Girl: Oh good sir, how glad I am to see thee come. Forgive me weeping, but my love has gone.
Gaskell: Er, listen. My name is Caskell ... Superintendent Caskell of Vice Squad. Myself and Sergeant Maddox are on a raid. We are not Tudor people. We are the police.
(An Elizabethan gentleman appears through the trees.)
Father: Frances, what idleness is this? Why, good Sir Philip Sidney, (he bows extravagantly to Gaskell) What hast thee here?
Girl: (turning to Caskell with bated breath) You are Sir Philip Sidney?
Gaskell: ... Possibly... but I may be Superintendent Gaskell of the Vice Squad.
Father: Ah good, Sir Philip, thy sharp-tongued wit has not deserted thee. Come. Let us eat and drink. Stay with us awhile.
Gaskell: All right, sir. I think I will.
(They walk off together am in am into the idyllic country garden. The girl looks after them with hope in her eyes.Bring up Elizabethan music......continued..
....)
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Elizabethan Pornography Smugglers
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
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The cast:
GASKELL
Michael Palin
MESSENGER
Terry Gilliam
ELIZABETH GENT
Eric Idle
SPANIARD
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
WIFE
Carol Cleveland
MADDOX
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE LIFE OF SIR PHILIP SIDNEY'
(Mix through to a Tudor dining room. At the table a group of Tudor gentry are sitting listening to Gaskell. Evidence of a banquet, and two minstrels in attendance. Gaskell has obviously just finished a story. Applause and laughter.)
Gaskell: . .. then did we bust the Harry Tony mob, who did seek to import Scandinavian filth via Germany. For six years they cleaned up a packet - the day I got whiff of them through a squealer and within one week did a mop-up right good. They're now languishing doing five years bird in Parkhurst.
(Applause. They are all very impressed. Cut to exterior. A messenger on a horse rides full pelt straight towards the camera. It is dusk. He stops outside the Elizabethan house, leaps off and dashes into the house. Cut to interior again. They are still all laughing from his last story. The messenger bunts into room.)
Messenger: Sir Philip. The Spaniards have landed in the Netherlands. My Lord Walsingham needs you there forthwith.