by Monty Python
Lift Woman: Third floor ... cosmetics, books, Irish massage, tribal head'. gear, ants.. (Chris starts to get out) but not complaints about ants!
Chris: Oh, where do I go to complain?
Lift Woman: Straight on, then left, then fight past the thing, then, up the little stairs, then right by where it's gone all soft, then down the wobbly bit, past the nail, past the brown stain on the wall to your fight and it's the door marked exit straight ahead of you on the left.
Chris: Thank you.
Lift Woman: (the doors shut but we can just hear her voice) Fourth floor... kiddies' vasectomies...
(The ant counter. It is obviously the same place with a roughly made sign 'Complaints '. Chrir is standing there with the original Assistant, who now has a plate in his lip and an enormous false chin about eight inches long and six inches across.)
Chris: I don't want you.
First Assistant: (speaking with difficulty) Oh, something wrong with your little ant friend... ?
Chris: No! I'm not going to tell you.
First Assistant: Something missing in the leg department?
(The Manager appears.)
Manager: Can I help you, sir?
(Chris looks down and sees that the Manager is half in a sack.)
Chris: No! No! No! No!
Manager: Oh, it's all right, sir, it's for the sack race later on.
Chris: No, no, no, I want to speak to the General Manager, I want to complain.
Manager: Oh, well you want the Toupee Hall in that case, sir.
Chris: The what?
Manager: The Toupee Hall, Mr Ellis. (he hops off)
(Chris approaches a stocking counter where lady Assistant is sewing two heavies who are trying on nylons over their heads. Chris speaks to the Assistant.)
Chris: (embarrassed) Excuse me - could you tell me the way to the Toupee Hall, please?
Assistant: Sorry?
Chris: The Toupee Hall.
Assistant: The what?
Chris: The Toupee Hall.
Assistant: Oh, the Toupee Hall (loudly) Gladys, where are toupees now?
Gladys: Toupees? (people start to look)
Assistant: This gentleman wants one.
Gladys: (even louder) A toupee?
Chris: Well, no, actually...
Gladys: I think they're in surgical appliances now.
Assistant: That's fight, yes, you go left at artificial limbs and hearing aids, right at dentures and it's on your left just by glass eyes. It doesn't say toupees to avoid embarrassing people, but you can smell 'em.
(People by this time have formed a ring round to see who it is.)
Chris: Thank you.
(As he moves off people peer at his head.)
Woman: (to friend) You can see the join.
(Chris in order to avoid this embarrassment, dives into the nearest department. A sign over the door reads 'Victorian poetry reading hall'.)
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Poetry Reading (Ants)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 41
* * *
The cast:
OLD LADY
Graham Chapman
WORDSWORTH
Terry Jones
SHELLEY
Terry Gilliam
KEATS
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a poetry reading. Wordsworth, Shelley, Keats and Tennyson are present. Chris stands quietly in the comer hoping not to be noticed.)
Old Lady: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon,... Mr Wadsworth...
Wordsworth: Wordsworth!
Old Lady: Sorry, Wordsworth... Mr John Koots, and Percy Bysshe.
Shelley: Shelley!
Old Lady: Just a little one, medium dry, (a dwarf assistant pours her a sherry) and Alfred Lorde.
Tennyson: Tennyson.
Old Lady: Tennis ball.
Tennyson: Son, son.
Old Lady: Sorry - Alfred Lord, who is evidently Lord Tennisball's son. And to start off I'm going to ask Mr Wadsworth to read his latest offering, a little pram entitled 'I wandered lonely as a crab' and it's all about ants.
(Murmur of exalted anticipation. Wordsworth rises rather gloomily.)
Wordsworth:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high over vales and hills
When all at once I saw a crowd
A host of golden worker ants.
(Ripples of applause.)
Old Lady: Thank you, thank you, Mr Bradlaugh. Now, 'Mr Bysshe.
Shelley: Shelley.
Old Lady: Oh... (the dwarf refills her glass)... is going to read one of his latest psalms, entitled 'Ode to a crab'.
Shelley: (rising: and taking his place quietly) Well, it's not about crabs actually, it's called 'Ozymandias'. It's not an ode.
I met a travellet from an antique land
Who said 'Six vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert
And on the pedestal these words appear
My name is Ozymandias, King of &nts
(oohs from his audience)
Look on my feelers, termites, and despair
I am the biggest ant you'll ever see
The ants of old weren't half as bold and big
And fierce as me'.
(Enormous applause.)
Old Lady: Thank you Mr Amontillado. I'd like to ask one or two of you at the back not to soil the carpet, there is a restroom upstairs if you find the poems too exciting (she falls over) Good afternoon, next, Mr Dennis Keat will recite his latest problem 'Ode to a glass of sherry'. (she falls off the podium)
Keats:
My heart aches and a drowsy numbness pains
My senses, as though an anteater I'd seen
(panic spreads and the audience half rise)
A nasty long-nosed brute
(screams from the audience)
With furry legs and sticky darting tongue
I seem to feel its cruel jaws
Crunch crunch there go my legs
Snap snap my thorax too
(various screaming women faint)
My head's in a twain, there goes my brain
Swallow, swallow, swallow, slurp
(he loses control)
Old Lady: Mr Keats, Mr Keats, please leave immediately.
Keats: It's true. Don't you see. It's true. It happens.
Old Lady: (she bustles him out) Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize for that last... well I hesitate to call it a pram ... but I had no idea ... and talking of filth... I have asked you once about the carpet ... Now, I do appreciate that last poem was very frightening... but please! Now before we move on to tea and pramwiches, I would like to ask Arthur Lord Tenniscourt to give us his latest little plum entitled 'The Charge of the Ant Brigade'.
Tennyson: Half an inch, half an inch...
(Enter Queen Victoria with a fanfare, fillowed by Albert's coffin.)
All: The Queen, the Queen. (they all bow and scrape)
Queen Victoria: My loyal subjects, we are here today on a matter of national import. My late husband and we are increasingly concerned by recent developments in literary style (developing a German accent) that have taken place here in Germany ... er England. There seems to be an increasing tendency for ze ent... the ent... the ant... to become the dominant ... was is der dentaches Entwiddungsbund...
Attendant: Theme.
Queen Victoria: Theme ... of modern poetry here in Germany. We are not ... amusiert? (an attendant whispers) Entertained. From now on, ants is verboten. Instead it's skylarks, daffodils, nightingales, light brigades and ... was ist das schreckliche Gepong ... es schmecke wie ein Scheisshaus... und so weiter. Well, we must away now or we shall be late for the races. God bless you alles.
(Chris leaves. We cut to him outside a door with a
sign saying 'Electric Kettles '.)
Voice: Psst! Electric kettles over here, Sir.
(A hand holding a sign saying 'Toupees' beckons him. He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of famous bald world figures with toupees on the walls....continued...)
* * *
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Toupee Department
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 41
* * *
The cast:
TOUPEE MANAGER
Terry Jones
CHRIS QUINN
Eric Idle
BRADFORD
Michael Palin
CRAWLEY
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(A hand holding a sign saying 'Toupees' beckons Chris Quinn. He goes over to door and is ushered through. There are pictures of famous bald world figures with toupees on the walls.)
Toupee Manager: Don't worry, sir, you're among friends now, sir. (the manager has an appalling toupee; Chris sees it and tries not to stare; the manager introduces his assistants) Mr Bradford, Mr Crawley. (Bradford and Crawley come forward; each has a toupee worst than the others) These are our fitters, sir. We've had a lot of experience. in this field and we do pride ourselves we offer the best and most discreet service available. I don't know whether you'll believe this sir, but one of us is actually wearing a toupee at this moment...
Chris: Well, you all are, aren't you?
(They rush to a mirror.)
Bradford: Have you got one?
Crawley: Yes, but I didn't know...
Toupee Manager: I didn't realize that you two.., I thought it was me,
Crawley: Yes, I thought it was me,
Bradford: So did I. (to Crawley) That is good.
Chris: Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager's office was.
Toupee Manager: Just a minute - someone told you we all had toupees?
Chris: No.
Crawley: Oh yeah?
Bradford: How did you know?
Chris: Well ... it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
Crawley: What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.
Chris: Well, it's a different colour, for a start.
Bradford: Is it?
Crawley: Course it isn't!
Chris: And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair... it sort of sticks up in the middle.
Bradford: It's better than yours.
Crawley: Yes.
Chris: I'm not wearing one. (they all jeer)
Toupee Manager: Oh, I see, you haven't got one.
Crawley: Why did you come in here then?
Chris: They told me to find the manager's office here.
(They all jeer again.)
Bradford: Oh no, not again.
Crawley: That's a bit lame, isn't it...
Chris: It's the truth!
All: Manager's office. (they laugh mockingly)
Bradford: Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac Fishcries?
Toupee Manager: Dreadful, isn't it?
Crawley: Nylon?
Chris: It's not, it's real look. (he pulls it)
All: Oh yeah, anyone can do that.
(They all do the same. Bradford incautiously pulls his loose.)
Crawley: Come on, get if off.
Chris: Get away.
Toupee Manager: Look, do you want a proper one?
Chris: No, I don't need one.
Bradford: There's no need to be ashamed.
Crawley: We've all owned up.
Chris: I'm not wearing one.
(They all look at each other for a moment, registering 'a hard case'.)
Toupee Manager: Don't you see... this is something you've got to come to terms with.
Chris: I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant!
(They look at each other.)
Crawley: Pathetic, isn't it.
Bradford: Complain about an ant?
Toupee Manager: This is for your own good.
(He grabs Chris's hair. A fight ensues in which all the assistants get their toupees dislodged. Chris is backed up against a door marked: 'Strictly no admittance'. He suddenly ducks out through this door... and lands in the...)
* * *
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Complaints Department
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 41
* * *
The cast:
CHRIS QUINN
Eric Idle
COMPLAINTS MANAGER
Michael Palin
LADY
Carol Cleveland
MR. ZYNDERSKY
Terry Gilliam
COLONEL EWING
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch continues from 'Poetry Reading (Ants)' Cut to the other side of the door. Chris turns and double takes. It is the manager's office. There is a long line of people sitting waiting to complain. The manager looks up.)
Complaints Manager: (irritably) All right. Take a seat.
(Chris shuts the door and takes a seat at the end of a line often people waiting to complain: the German clothes prop man; the Icelandic honey week man; a Greek with a motor tyre; a man with a lawn mower with a cat sticking out of it; a man with a bandaged nose holding a dog with a bandaged nose; a lady with a bandaged nose; a lady with a bandaged nose and a pram with a small column of smoke rising from it; a rather butch lady with her head through a tennis racket; a man with a cigar in his mouth that has obviously exploded - his face is blackened and his collar awry; a man in a terrible suit with one arm twice as long as a normal sleeve and trousers that finish at mid-thigh. A uniformed shop attendant is sitting next to a rather well dressed lady in twin set and pearls, and her equally distinguished looking husband. The attendant is occasionally touching the lady's 'cheek and peering into her eyes. The lady and the husband stare straight ahead. Next to them is Colonel Ewing. At the desk is the lady with the flame thrower. Part of the manager's desk and the entire comer of the office are blackened and smoking.)
Lady: You see! There ought to be a safety catch on it, I mean ... ohhhh! (a spurt of flame shoots out) I mean, what if this fell into the wrong hands?
Complaints Manager: Yes, madam. I'll speak to the makers personally, all right.
Lady: Would you? It would put my mind at ease.
(She leaves closing the door. We hear the flame thrower.)
Lady's Voice: Sorry...
Complaints Manager: Next?
(The colonel gets up. As he does so Mr Zyndenky (the husband) indicates his wife and the attendant.)
Mr Zyndersky: He's still molesting her.
Complaints Manager: Yes, yes, I'll see to you in a moment, sir. (the colonel sits at the manager's desk)
Colonel Ewing: I've got a complaint to make.
Complaints Manager: Do take a seat. I'm sorry it's on fire.
Colonel Ewing: Oh, not at all. (he sits on it) I got used to this out east.
Complaints Manager: Where were you out east?
Colonel Ewing: Oh, Norway ... Sweden ... places like that... oh I'm awfully sorry, my suit seems to keep catching fire.
Complaints Manager: Extinguisher?
Colonel Ewing: Oh no, thank you, I think we'd better let it run its course. I was just thinking... Norway is not very east, is it? I should have said when I was out north. (he slaps at the flames)
Complaints Manager: Are there many fires in Norway?
Colonel Ewing: Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze. Wooden buildings, d'you know. I lost my wife in Norway.
Complaints Manager: I am sorry to hear that.
Colonel Ewing: Why, did you know her?
Complaints Manager: No, I meant...
Colonel Ewing: Oh I see. No, she wasn't a favourite of mine. We were out strolling across a fiord one day when one of the local matadors came out of h
is tree house and flung a lot of old scimitars and guillotines out that he'd got cluttering up his wine cellar and apparently rather a large proportion of them landed on my wife causing her to snuff it without much more ado.
Complaints Manager: Yes, yes - well look...
(Ding-dong of store PA. An announcer speaks.)
Announcer: Here is an important announcement about Michael Ellis. (Chris looks up at loudspeaker; everyone turns towards it) It is now the end of 'Michael Ellis' week. From now on it is 'Chris Quinn' week. (murmur of excitement)
Chris: What a rotten ending.
* * *
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Different Endings
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 41
* * *
The cast:
ASSISTANT
Terry Jones
CHRIS QUINN
Eric Idle
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
MALCOLM ALLISON
Michael Palin
BRIAN CLOUGH
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a polite, well dressed assistant at a counter with a big sign saying 'End of Show Department' behind him.)